Chapter 58: Losing Control
"Exploding snap?"
I sighed. As much as I welcomed the reinstatement of my friendship with Harry and Ron, I was now painfully aware of how much they really did slow down my work. But I valued a game of exploding snap with Ron and so I set my runes essay aside.
"Exploding snap," I said, a genuine smile upon my face. It was the first in a very long time.
We played a couple rounds before I finally announced that it was time to get back to work.
"Come on Hermione," Ron whined. "One more game?"
"You still haven't finished your potions essay or started your herbology assignment," I pointed out. "And both are due tomorrow."
Ron sighed and dragged his work towards him across the table. Though I did finally start getting my work done, Harry and Ron were asking me so many questions that it was hard for me to stay focused on my own assignments.
After about twenty minutes, Ron shoved his essay in my face. "Here, how's that?" he asked, as unmindful as ever that I had my own work to do. I sighed, immediately falling back into the habit of revising Harry and Ron's essays for them. Though Ron didn't thank me, I knew he was grateful.
As the days passed, I became more and more irritable. It was even worse than in the first term. At least then I had been sleeping. Now I couldn't use the time turner except for class and I was only getting two or three hours of sleep each night at best.
It was in care of magical creatures that I finally snapped. Harry, Ron, and I had been talking with Hagrid about Buckbeak's appeal and how we still had a chance to change the Ministry's mind. Hagrid was crying because he was upset about Buckbeak's sentence and Malfoy made a comment that I couldn't ignore.
He was making fun of Hagrid for having emotions, said it was pathetic and that he wasn't worthy of being our teacher. And suddenly all the anger and frustration I'd been feeling since the beginning of the year came to the surface.
To say I was angry with Malfoy would have been the greatest understatement of the year. And while it certainly wasn't fair to blame him for my current workload, my sleeping situation, or the problems I'd been having with Harry and Ron recently, there was quite a bit that was his fault. He'd been the cause of Hagrid's pain all year, the reason he'd been forced to amass a case and stress and now face saying goodbye to his beloved hippogriff. He was the reason I'd had to spend so many days in the library researching similar cases for Hagrid in an attempt to build him a solid case.
Without even realizing what I was doing, I marched over to Malfoy, raised my arm and swung it straight into his face. I felt pain shoot through my arm, but I didn't pay it any attention. I put all my emotions, the rage, the despair, the frustration, the irritation, the bone-wrenching tiredness, and the disgust with how little the Slytherin cared about other people into it and as I began to yell at him, I raised my fist for a second strike.
Before I could land another punch, Ron grabbed my arm from behind and pulled me back. I yelled at him to let go, angry that the momentum I'd had was now gone. But I was a witch, I remembered. I had a wand. I pulled it out and pointed it straight at Malfoy's now very red face. As I tried to decide which spell to use, Malfoy took a step backwards and then spun and ran away in the direction of the dungeons. His face was one of pure fear, and that alone was satisfaction.
For a second, I let myself feel proud. Never in my life had I done something quite like that. I was not a person who favored physical confrontations. I even avoided getting caught up in the kinds of duels that Harry and Malfoy occasionally had in the hallways. I was the fight with words type, or more often the avoid fighting at all type. But this felt good. This felt like all my pent-up feelings finally having an outlet.
I still felt very worked up and I decided that I should probably cool off a bit before attempting to go to a lesson. So, I decided to go to the common room and spend the period studying. I would use the time turner to repeat the hour later and actually go to class. I was willing to defend myself to Professor McGonagall if need be.
As we got closer to the charms classroom, I looked for an opportunity to slip away, and found one when I saw a small alcove behind a tapestry on the wall to my right. I slowed down almost imperceptibly and then slipped into the alcove while Harry and Ron carried on to the classroom. When they were sufficiently far away, I slid out again and made my way to Gryffindor Tower.
It wasn't until I started digging around in my bag for my arithmancy books that I realized that my hand was still hurting from hitting Malfoy. I hadn't anticipated how hard his face would be. I grabbed my wand and performed a quick healing spell, immediately feeling much better and much calmer. The anger I had been feeling had dissipated.
I spread out my books and began working on filling in my number charts, but I started feeling more and more tired as I progressed through my work. I hadn't gotten more than three hours of sleep each night for over a week and my body was begging for a nap.
In the end, I decided that I would close my eyes for ten minutes and then I would be refreshed and I could return to my homework.
Before I knew it, I was being shaken awake. Harry and Ron stood over me, confused and wondering where I'd gone off to and why I hadn't joined them in charms class.
I cursed myself as I realized I'd slept much longer than I'd intended. I couldn't go back in time and repeat it now either, because if I did, I would be messing everything up. Harry and Ron hadn't seen me in charms and that had led them to wake me up and remind me of charms. If I used the time turner and went to charms, Harry and Ron would not have this conversation with me, and I wouldn't remember to go back and attend charms.
Harry and Ron mostly remained confused as to how I could have forgotten about a class I'd been about to enter, but I dodged their questions as best I could since I still couldn't tell them about the time turner. Ron seemed worried that there was something seriously wrong with me, and so instead of staying and undergoing more scrutiny, I told them I needed to talk to Professor Flitwick, which I did if I was going to make up for this mistake. I grabbed my bag and ran out of the common room, not stopping until I was just outside Professor Flitwick's classroom.
"Professor, I'm so sorry!" I cried as I entered the room and turned towards his office, where he was seated at his desk, grading papers that looked suspiciously like the one I had been supposed to hand in today.
"Ms. Granger," Professor Flitwick acknowledged me. "I trust you had a good reason for missing my class today?"
"I'm so sorry," I repeated. "I was doing homework, and I meant to come to class, but I fell asleep and then it was too late. I've just been so tired recently," I explained. "What have I missed?" I asked.
"We did cheering charms today," Professor Flitwick replied. "I won't penalize you for missing the class, but I will advise that you take great care in learning today's spell. We won't be spending another class on it, and it may turn out to be quite important," he said, giving me the sense that this would be the charm he would be testing us on in June.
"Of course, Professor, thank you," I said. I began to reach into my bag to hand in my essay, but Professor Flitwick stopped me.
"I'm sorry Ms. Granger, but your essay was due at the beginning of class. It is now almost two hours late and I simply can't accept it. I'm going to have to give you a zero for the assignment," Professor Flitwick informed me.
I dropped my bag and gaped at my Professor. A zero? Had I heard right? He was giving me a zero? This would be my first zero ever. My first failed grade. It was the first time I had failed to hand in an assignment on time as well. I couldn't believe myself. I was supposed to be better than this.
"I suggest you get to your next class," Professor Flitwick said as a group of sixth years began to enter his classroom and settled themselves at the desks. "You wouldn't want to miss that lesson as well."
I nodded mutely and raced to Divination, arriving just as the ladder descended to allow us to climb up. I lamented about the missed lesson, but Harry and Ron continued to seem puzzled and confused with me as we ascended to the stuffy classroom and settled around our usual table.
Today, there were crystal balls on them, meaning we were moving onto the next unit. I was glad. Maybe I would have better luck with crystal gazing than I had with tessomancy, cartomancy, and palmistry thus far. Particularly frustrating had been palmistry. At this point, we had all studied each other's hands at length, and it was entirely doubtful that anyone was going to suddenly develop more lines to study, so we were just re-predicting the same things every class.
Once Professor Trelawney had introduced the subject and assigned us to start our first attempts at crystal gazing, I set myself to work with the same determination as in any other subject. I really did try to see something, but it became blaringly obvious quite quickly that there was nothing more than a bunch of swirling fog in the crystal ball on the table. I became irritated and wished this had been the class I had missed instead of charms.
After a while, Professor Trelawney began making the rounds. When she came over to where Harry, Ron, and I were sitting and started to predict Harry's death once again, I decided that I'd had enough. She predicted Harry's death every class, and clearly Harry was still with us. She could just predict his death for the rest of his life, and surely one day he would die, but that hardly made her a reputable Seer. Everyone dies at some point in their life, after all.
It had been a trying day already and I was sick and tired of wasting an hour up in this stuffy tower twice a week when there were more important things I could be doing. So, when Professor Trelawney outright told me that I was too stupid for her class, I cracked.
I was taking twelve classes and I was at the top of eleven of those classes; divination excluded, obviously. I spent every waking moment studying and learning, helping my friends with their assignments, and I'd even found time to research Ministry cases for Hagrid even though it was completely unrelated to any of my classes.
I threw my bag over my shoulder and angrily stomped out of the room. Why should I waste my time in divination if I was apparently so bad at it? Professor McGonagall was making me give up two classes at the end of the year anyway, why not drop divination now?
I still had about forty minutes before my next class, so I returned to the common room to learn how to do cheering charms. When it was time for transfiguration, I was still incredibly wound up, and even herbology was not enough to calm me down.
By eleven o'clock that night, I was still so incredibly furious about Professor Trelawney and sleeping through charms and Malfoy, yet so terribly exhausted at the same time. I felt like Ron might be right, I was finally starting to crack. I was at the end of my rope. I'd been struggling and fighting with myself and trying desperately to do everything all at once. But I couldn't do it anymore. I needed relief.
So, making sure that there was no one around to witness it, I gave in and did what I had been avoiding since Christmas break. I still remembered the spell as clear as day. I suppose I would have felt guilty if it had been another day, but I was so beyond caring anymore, I just wanted something to make me feel better.
I pointed my wand at myself and said the spell: somno exhaustio. I felt the familiar wave of calm wash over me, the same one I felt whenever Professor McGonagall used the spell on me at the end of the week.
When it was over, I was no longer even the smallest bit tired. In fact, I felt like I could run around the castle ten times and still have the energy to get through all my homework without any sleep. With renewed vigour, I plunged back into my herbology essay and silently rejoiced when I realized I didn't have to do any divination homework.
With my tiredness gone, my other concerns and frustrations seemed to dissipate. Catching up on charms seemed so easy now in light of my newfound energy. I could no longer remember why I hadn't done this sooner.
