Pehea wau i ʻike ai i kou makuahine
Based on the characters and stories of Hawaii Five-0.
Hawaii Five-0 is owned by CBS and their respective creators.
Before Catherine could slam the door to her Corvette, the tears rained down her cheeks. It was time.
First it was the call from Zaafirah that interrupted her morning with Steve. She had heard the creak of the floorboards as she listened to Zaafirah give her updates on baby Shahzadi and knew that he had overheard her. Steve had an elementary understanding of Pashto, but she knew how her end of the conversation had sounded. Cryptic.
After Steve had bailed, leaving a trail of smoke and fury behind him, the call from Coen came. New assignment. Ukraine. A joint op between the Afghanistan team and a few Europe operatives with her right in the middle. She had three days to get to Langley to be read in on the op before they rolled out for the long term assignment.
Then Danny. It was the perfect storm.
She didn't fault him. He didn't know about the CIA. About the blackmail. He was just looking out for his boy. Had she been in his shoes? If someone had been Jekyll and Hyde with Amy or Kono or Mel - she'd stand up for them too. But the way he asked her to not leave again- it's like he could see the writing on the wall.
She had to go.
Catherine parked the Corvette in front of her packed storage unit and slid the keys in between the visor and the roof. She thought back to Steve's weekend plans. She had begged him for hints of where they'd be going and what to pack, but all he offered was his dopey, lopsided smirk, a promise to help her pack the night before, and a "classified".
The taxi rumbled as it peeled onto the highway towards Steve's house. She fired off a quick text to Jude before shoving her phone back into her pocket.
Catherine: Wheels up at 1900. Pick me up in an hour?
Jude: Copy. You gonna be okay?
Catherine: No.
The truck lurched to a halt as Steve caught sight of her crouched on the front steps of the porch. That damn ring was burning a hole in his pocket. But he saw the bag and he knew. Each step down the concrete path felt heavier and heavier. His shoes were filled with lead and his heart was churning in trepidation.
One look at him and the butterflies inside turned into swords. "I'm sorry." She trained her eyes on the ground. She had been shot. She had been wounded in battle and essentially left for dead. She had been kidnapped. But this? This was the worst pain of all.
Steve huffed in frustration,"You just got here."
"Look, Steve, it's not that I don't love you- I do. But I have to go away for a little bit." She surprised herself by not breaking down into tears. The look on his face crushed her. The hurt hidden by indifference. It was his military face. The one when he wanted to punch something or yell at someone, but had to stifle the urge. When he crossed his arms over his chest, she knew it wasn't to flirt and turn her on. It was a subconscious effort to protect himself.
"How long?"
Catherine stared into the grass as she ran her hands up and down her legs. "The truth is, I don't really know." She managed one look at his face before her throat constricted. "God, this is so hard." She stammered, pressing her fingertips into her tear-filled eyes. She wanted to tell him everything, but she couldn't let him play the knight in shining armor. She knew that he would put himself at risk to keep her out of it and she couldn't let him do that. She had to walk away. "I need more than what a relationship can give me right now."
Heat flared against his thigh as he felt the ring branding his skin. "Okay. What do you want?"
"To feel needed."
"You are." How could she not see that? How could she be so hard headed that she didn't see how much he needed her? Steve wanted to grab her by the shoulders and kiss her senseless until she remembered just how much he needed her.
Catherine shook her head as she swiped the tears away from her cheeks. "No, not like that. See, when your phone rings, someone needs you. Okay? And you can help them. And I want to feel that."
"So come back to Five-0."
"No. Steve, Five-0 is you. It's always gonna be your thing, okay? I need to build something on my own."
Steve scuffed his boot into the gravel and reluctantly sat down beside her, "So you're going back to Afghanistan?" He huffed.
Catherine looked down. She was a shit liar when she was crying. He would see her tells. All those nights playing poker on the Enterprise flooded back into her mind. The time that he chased her down after she abruptly left the game. "No- Nepal. That earthquake hit them hard. I'm going to be running helidrops for the Red Cross. Getting those supplies to people who need it the most is where I can… I can make a difference."
"All right, well, that's a two-month op at most."
"Could be more."
He gritted his teeth. The tic in his jaw flared as he pursed his lips and bit back the emotion building in his throat, "You know, Catherine, if you want out of this thing, why don't you just look me in the eye and tell me you want out of this thing?"
The corner of her mouth trembled as she shook her head and forced herself to look him in the eye, "If I could be at two places at the same time, I would."
"Yeah, but you can't, Catherine." He exclaimed. "And-and you're choosing the place where I'm not!" Steve bit down on the inside of his lip to keep the tears from spilling over. "I mean… Listen, if you leave today, I can't… I can't wait for you. Not anymore. You understand?"
It was exactly what she knew needed to happen, but that didn't make it hurt any less. Hearing him say the words was the nail in the coffin. Love is wanting the other person to be happy even when you're not with them. "Yeah. I understand."
"Okay, I'll drive you to the airport."
She shook her head, "I already called for a ride. I'd rather say goodbye to you here." Catherine stood up and bit down on her lip so hard she tasted copper. "Come here." His arms snaked around her as she tucked her head into the crook of his neck, "I'm so sorry." She sniffed. "I will always, always love you, okay?"
Steve stepped back as she grabbed her bags and slung them over her shoulder. He wanted to pull her back by the arm and kiss her until she forgot what year it was. He wanted to grab that fucking ring out of his pocket and drop down on one knee right then and there. But she kept walking. She tossed her bags in the back of the SUV and shut the door behind her. He watched as she cupped her hands over her nose and mouth as she cried. "Aloha." He whispered as the SUV bumped down the driveway.
He stalked into the house and slammed the front door behind him so hard that it rattled every pane of glass in the house. He felt the palpitations as he tromped up the stairs. The pricks on his skin and the rush of adrenaline as he took one step into the bedroom. The room they had shared. The bed they had made love in. Where they had bared their souls to each other. When he spotted the square of film laying on top of his pillow, he wanted to rip it all apart- brick by brick. He wanted to grab the shiplap, the drywall, and take it down to the studs with his bare hands. He wanted to burn the whole fucking house down.
Gingerly, he picked up the polaroid. With shaky hands, he turned it over and read the decades old note scribbled on the back.
I've got your six. -C
His arm moved of its own accord. He spun and clenched his hand into a fist as it careened into the drywall with a satisfying crunch. Steve sank down onto the bed and ran his dust-covered hand down his jaw. He pulled out the engagement ring box, but paused when his fingertips brushed against a crumpled piece of paper.
She had written it on a slip of paper no bigger than a stick of gum and tucked it in his pocket when they said goodbye on the porch, using Doris's brush pass technique.
I love you more than you know. -C
When Steve was a little boy, he had heard the legend that when someone's heart breaks, so does a piece of the world. Fissures, valleys, cliffs- cracks in the sidewalk even. The texture earth stood as a testament of the stories of its inhabitants. If it was true, watching Catherine walk away had created a chasm that would swallow the Grand Canyon.
Jude was silent as he drove to Honolulu International. He peered into the rearview mirror and caught her red-rimmed eyes before turning his attention back to the road.
Catherine wiped the back of her hand across her cheeks and did her best to compose herself as she pressed her phone to her ear, "Zulu-Seven-Six-Three-One."
Coen's crisp voice echoed over the line, "Are we secure?
"We are."
"Where are you?" He snapped.
Where the fuck did he think she was? Disney World? What she would give for the chance to punch him in the face one more time. "On my way." She bit back.
"What about your cover?"
"He didn't question it."
Coen's words were laced with disdain as he asked, "Are you sure you can do this, Lieutenant?"
Jude caught Catherine's hesitancy. He offered her a subtle nod of support. Catherine sucked in her emotions and gave Coen his damn confirmation, "Absolutely."
Jude pulled into the rental lot and loaded up his arms with their bags. He placed his hand on her back and led her into the airport terminal. Thank fuck for self-service check in, he mused. He pulled her passport out of her bag and took the responsibility of getting her checked in. Trading hers for his, he repeated the process until they had boarding passes to D.C. in their hands. As they waited in line to go through security, his heavy hand on her shoulder stilled her heartbroken tremors.
Finally boarding the plane, Jude shoved her into his window seat and squeezed his colossal upper half into her middle seat. When she glared at him in a silent 'what the hell', she realized that he was acting as a human privacy barrier, shielding her grief from prying eyes and nosey passengers. His double wide shoulders and pectorals shrouded her from the rest of the travellers.
Jude reached down and grabbed the water he had picked up at the gate. Rummaging around, he found two bottles and chased out three pills. He turned her palm up and dropped them into her hand. "Take them." He demanded, handing her the water. When she looked up at him with tear-filled doe eyes, he sighed, "One Dramamine, two Advil." He clarified, "Crying gives you headaches." He had observed her enough at the safe house in Kabul to know her habits.
"H-how do you know ab-bout the Dramamine?" She whispered, fingering the pills in her hand.
Jude pointed to himself, "Spy." The plane began to taxi down the runaway and Catherine did as she was told, handing the water bottle back to him afterwards. "Good girl." She closed her eyes to avoid seeing the island grow smaller and smaller as they lifted off the ground. Jude's gruff voice caught her off guard when he said, "I'm going to hold your hand now, Princess." And he did, offering his superhuman strength to her as he closed his hand around hers.
Whether it was pure exhaustion or her body's way of surviving through intense anguish, Catherine slept the entire nine hours to Dulles. When she woke up, her cheek sported a permanent crosshatch imprint from the shoulder of Jude's henley. One stocky arm kept her captive against his side. "Morning, Princess." He murmured, sliding his headphones off of his ears and around his neck.
Catherine looked out the tiny window as the plane circled Washington D.C., "It's dark outside." She rubbed her puffy eyes and looked out again.
"It's zero-two-hundred. Technically morning." He said, bending down and squishing his shoulder into the cramped space in between the seats. "Eat." She looked at the bag of airline pretzels he offered and shook her head. Jude scowled and popped the bag open, forcing it into her hand, "Eat the damn pretzels, Princess."
"Jude, I'm not-"
His stern look told her she didn't have a choice in the matter. Begrudgingly, Catherine obliged and slipped one into her mouth. "That's what I thought." His grim tone was sullied by the smile flickering at the corner of his mouth.
Catherine swiped through her phone, searching for a cheap hotel room as she followed Jude out of the airport. She heard the chirp of his keys as he unlocked the most intimidating truck she had ever seen. Lifted tires, tinted windows, and black paint on every square inch made the vehicle a beast. Even the lettering on the grill that spelled out RAM pointed to the fact that the car was made for a mercenary. Maybe a redneck mercenary, but a merc nonetheless. "I found a room a couple miles away. Mind dropping me off?"
Jude tossed their bags into the bed and opened the passenger's side door, "Yes."
"Yes, you will or yes, you mind?"
"I mind. You're not staying in a hotel."
"Excuse me?" She sneered.
"You're staying with me." He stated definitively. She gritted her teeth and clenched her fists until her nails dug into the soft flesh of her palms. "Get in the truck."
"I'm not in the mood right now, Beckett. I'll call myself a fucking cab to take me to the-" Before she could finish, her feet left the ground and the world turned upside down, "What the fuck?!"
Jude looked over at the police officer who had started towards them. He waved and shot him a grin, "Everything's fine." He reassured the cop.
"Everything is NOT fine." She shrieked as he hefted her over the wide girth of his shoulder. "Put me down, Jude!"
She was ablaze. Anger crackled off of her, sparking electric air in the parking lot. Anger was good, he thought. It was stronger than defeat and more formidable than fear. "As you wish." Jude grinned as he plopped her down in the passenger's seat and slammed the door shut. When he slid in behind the wheel, he was nearly shot dead with the look she served him. "You're staying with me." He declared.
Catherine pressed her fingers to her temples. "You're seriously kidnapping me? Again?"
"Why, Jude. Thank you for taking me to your house so I can sleep in a bed that isn't infested with bedbugs and cigarette burns." He mocked in a high pitched falsetto. His eyes narrowed in on hers as his voice returned to it's thunderous rumble, "You're staying with me until we have to report to Langley. Besides-" He glanced over at her once more before twisting the key in the ignition, "You look like hell."
October in northern Virginia was marked by a frosty chill in the air. As Jude navigated the beast of a truck up the steep hill, Catherine saw the glow of lights on in the cabin and a billow of smoke pluming out of the chimney. She jumped down from the running board and circled to the front of the truck. Jude manhandled their bags with one arm as he pushed into the back door of the cabin. Catherine followed him into the kitchen and peered into the den where a wood stove was pumping out a comforting heat. Jude read her mind before she could get the words out, "Neighbor started it up for me when we landed." He tilted his head in the direction of the neighbor, "Lives a couple miles past the trees. I let him hunt on my property as long as he drops my truck off at the airport whenever I'm in town."
"That's nice..." It was nice. The cabin was cozy and clean and far more comfortable than a seedy hotel. Catherine felt the weight of the day returning, pressing on her shoulders. She should have been getting ready for her weekend away with Steve, not preparing for a clandestine operation in eastern Europe.
Jude placed his hand on her back and led her to the bathroom. Pushing her inside, he tossed a towel in after her, "Shower." He commanded.
"It's five in the morning. I'm gonna go to bed." Catherine tried to push past him, but that was like trying to shove a dump truck out of the way. Fruitless. "Jude…"
"Catherine." He teased. "Get a shower. You'll thank me in the morning."
"It is the morning."
"Get in the fucking shower, Princess." He ordered. "Or I'm gonna get in there with you and it'll be more like waterboarding than a bath."
Catherine shoved him out and shut the door. As she stepped under the stream of water, she pressed her hands to the cool tile and braced herself as she sobbed.
Journal #3
Jude's Cabin - Winchester, VA.
I left Steve today. I know it was something I had to do. I keep reminding myself of that. But part of me wanted him to fight for me - for us. I wanted to hear him say he loved me one more time. I wanted him to kiss me. To ask me to stay. And he didn't. And that crushed me just about as much as having to leave did.
All he said was that he couldn't wait for me anymore, and God that broke me. All the times we chased each other through the Navy- playing hard to get, breaking up and getting back together, all the pain and shit we put each other through for so many fucking years just ended on his front porch.
I left, but he let me.
I wish I had kept the polaroid. Something to remind me that all this was worth it. That this nightmare is for the greater good- his good. I want him to be happy. I want him to be safe. And that means me leaving. I just wish I had the picture to remind me that for a moment in time, we existed. And we were happy.
Journal #3
Jude's Cabin - Winchester, VA
Oh my God. What have I done?
Catherine straightened the crooked picture frame on the bedroom wall and frowned when a shower of dust sprinkled onto the floor. She pulled the picture off the nail and frowned. "Steve?" She called out.
Steve jogged up the stairs, taking two at a time. "You okay?" He burst through the door, breathless, journal in hand.
"Wanna explain this?" She pointed to the fist sized hole in the drywall and held up the picture frame that had concealed it for years.
"The wall had it coming." He quipped. Catherine's raised eyebrow told him he would have to do better than that. "I'll fix it."
Her finger trailed around the jagged edges of the busted drywall. "What happened?"
Steve sighed and planted his hands on her shoulder as he stood behind her and studied the damage he had done. "You left."
"Oh." Her head hung low, "I just…. I didn't know. You… you held it together so much better than I did that day…" Her voice turned into a hoarse whisper, "I just…."
"Didn't want me to let you go?" He gingerly lifted up the journal. "Catherine…" His voice broke as her name escaped his lips. Her head crashed into his chest and he wrapped his arms around her, protecting her from all the hurt and pain of the memories that were plastered to the walls.
Catherine rested her forehead on his chest and closed her eyes as the steady rhythm of his heart steadied hers. He was her anchor. Her lighthouse. "I had to leave… But part of me wanted you to fight me on it… And you let me get in that car."
His arm closed around the back of her head, cradling her against him. For what seemed like an eternity, they stood there. Frozen in time. Their embrace turned into a gentle sway as they slow danced in the silence. Steve brought his mouth to her ear and gently murmured, "We existed. And we're happy."
AUTHOR'S NOTE
We made it through 6x03! Whoop whoop! Leave your thoughts and comments in the reviews!
Have a wonderful Sunday, loves!
XO,
-Mags-
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