Pehea wau i ʻike ai i kou makuahine
Based on the characters and stories of Hawaii Five-0.
Hawaii Five-0 is owned by CBS and their respective creators.
Steve turned under the spray of the shower as he tried to wash the heaviness off. His knuckles bloomed with sharp streaks of red and purple. The wall had it coming, he decided. Glancing down to grab the bar of soap, he spotted Catherine's coconut body wash sitting on the ledge.
He should just throw it away.
Keeping it wouldn't bring her back.
Keeping it wouldn't make her want to stay.
But he was a glutton for punishment. Steve closed his eyes as he flipped the lid open and inhaled the seductive fragrance of coconut and vanilla and hibiscus. His mind drifted back to the previous morning. When she had woken him up before daylight peeked over the horizon. How her hands had worked over every inch of him. Her mouth- grazing, kissing, biting. The way she had trusted him and clung to him- her lifeline- as he carried them into new levels of blinding pleasure.
How they shared whispered I love yous and hushed promises. His memory shattered into fragments as the feeling of her hugging him on the porch pressed into his body. She had been shaking. As she said she was sorry, said that she would always love him- she had been trembling. Catherine had been terrified.
Steve stepped out of the shower and began to towel off. The toothbrush sitting next to his was mocking him. Taunting him. He picked up the phone to text her, but his fingers froze as they hovered over her name. She chose something other than him. He couldn't fault her for wanting to do good in the world, but why did that have to exclude him?
The polaroid rested on top of his gun and badge. He didn't have the heart to hide it away. That damn pictured had saved his ass more times than he could remember. It had been treasured and protected for over a decade. It had crossed oceans and hostile borders. It survived breakups and fights. There was no way in hell Catherine would have left it flippantly. She was his guardian angel…. Had been his guardian angel.
Catherine wrapped the blanket closer to her body as she sat on the couch in front of the wood stove. She wasn't quite sure what time it was, but it was dark again. The woodstove filled the cabin with a soothing heat, but she was still chilled to the bone. No amount of blankets, hot tea, or flames could cure it. Her stomach rumbled, but she didn't care. Just the idea of food had her eyeing the bathroom. She couldn't stomach it.
Pathetic, she thought. A Navy veteran who has been in the middle of firefights and life or death missions, pining over a breakup like a petulant teenager. Especially considering she was the one who instigated it.
"Nice to see you awake, Sleeping Beauty." Jude kicked the door shut behind him as he carried in an armload of chopped wood and a bucket full of kindling. "How you feelin'?"
"Fine."
His sharp laugh caught her off guard, "Bulllllllllshit. No one sleeps for-" He glanced at his watch, "Thirteen hours when they're fine."
"Shit." Catherine muttered as she closed her eyes and stretched out on the couch, "I hate emotions." She declared. "They're messy."
Jude wiped his hands on his Wranglers. Picking up her feet, he slid onto half of the couch and let her legs drape across his lap. "I believe you're mistaking feelings for paint. Or children." He shuddered at the thought of little, inexplicably sticky little people running around.
"Not a kid person?"
"I'm not a mess person." He corrected. "Blame it on the Marines. They beat order and cleanliness into our heads."
Catherine peered at him through a hooded eye, "Since the minute you met me, all I've been is a mess."
He chuckled, "I took pity on you."
She muttered a string of colorful profanities directed towards him before pulling the blanket over her face. Jude immediately tugged it back down and was met with a scowl. "I'm going back to bed."
"No you're not." He decided. "You're helping me bring in all your boxes so they don't get snowed on while we're in Kiev."
Catherine opened one eye and huffed as she threw the blanket aside and swung her legs off of his lap, "Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit, oh, I dunno…. Bossy?"
"Just you" He grinned.
Catherine followed him outside and began helping him haul in all of her belongings that the shipping company had delivered inside from the driveway. She didn't mind Jude's bossiness. Though she'd never admit it to him, their banter back and forth kept her entertained. Then there was the fact that he made it crystal clear that he would never try to be anything other than a friend and a brother. That in itself was a comfort. She didn't feel weird about staying with him. Didn't feel uncomfortable with him sleeping in the room across the hall. She didn't feel the need to snap into high alert when he had poked his head into her room midday while she was sleeping to make sure she was okay. Jude was reliable and honest. The only mark against him was the fact that he was a former Marine, and that was only due to her Navy bias. Paired with his easy charm and chiseled good looks, she couldn't understand why there wasn't a Mrs. Jude Beckett in the picture.
"I can hear you thinking." He groaned as he dropped the last of the boxes against the wall in the living room. "Let me guess. You're either wondering why I'm not married or why I'm not trying to hook up with you. And since I've already explained the latter to you, I'll take a stab at it and say it's the former."
She shrugged, "Just curious."
Jude walked into the kitchen and grabbed two water bottles out of the fridge. Tossing one to her, he said, "Just haven't found the right woman yet."
"And you think you're gonna find the right woman with your random R and R hookups?"
He grinned, "People have met their soulmates in weirder ways than that. You, for example. You and Charming met while you were on the USS Enterprise, right?"
Catherine rolled her eyes, "I'd hardly count falling for a co-worker as a weird way of meeting someone."
"Besides." He sat down on one of the kitchen barstools, "Who said I'm looking for something permanent."
She shook her head and waved a finger at him, "Nuh uh. Don't give me that. You've got 'family man' written all over you." Catherine studied the cabin. It was tidy and warm. There were throw pillows on the couch and blankets draped over every seating option. The knick knacks on the mantle of the fireplace weren't gaudy. Rather, it was quaint.
Jude tugged his shirt up and showed off a tattoo that started on his puffed-out chest and ended halfway down his ribs, "For your information, I've got 'Semper Fidelis' written all over me."
"Mmm. Quite the panty dropper you are." She mused with a sarcastic snicker.
"So are you and Prince Charming done for good?" His morose tone was a comfort to her. He wasn't reveling in her pain. He was the one who sat beside her and held her hand and didn't say a damn thing when she cried.
"We have to be." She looked down at her water and suddenly, had lost her appetite for even that. "I can't have him coming after me."
Jude shook his head and tossed his empty water bottle in the trash, "If you had told him, he probably would've understood. I mean, hell - the guy was a tier-one operator. He'd get it."
"How much do you know?" She hissed.
"Enough."
"Jude…." She warned.
Jude stood up and crossed one massive arm over the other. "I know about what happened with you and him and the kid in Afghanistan. I know that Coen isn't the one calling the shots. He's answering to someone in D.C., but he's more than happy to do it. I know that it's spelled out in your contract that he'll get charged if you don't comply. And I know that you're in love with him because this would be an insane thing to do if you weren't head over heels for the guy. But what I don't get is why you didn't tell him. He'd understand and he'd probably give you space to do what you gotta do. You left because you're a coward and you'd rather run than confront it head on."
"I'm going back to bed." She put her water back in the fridge and walked through the house.
"Catherine, wait." His arm shot out and grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her back to him. "You wanna know why you can trust me? Because I'm not gonna bullshit you. Ever. That's my promise."
Her eyes sliced through the tension between them, "You crossed a big fucking line, Beckett."
His grip on her wrist tightened. Jude didn't fight her accusation, he simply closed the space between them and murmured, "I'm gonna hug you now, Princess. Because you look like you need it."
And he did.
Jude's rock hard muscles became pillows as he pulled her against his chest and locked his mighty arms around her lithe frame. "I'm mad at you." Her words were muffled as she rested her head on him. "And Decker doesn't find out about this…. Ever." She threatened.
His chest rumbled as he chuckled, "It's just a hug, Princess."
Catherine tossed and turned that night. It wasn't because she slept the entire day before or because she was wrecked from the breakup or nervous from the upcoming op. The nightmares were back.
For three weeks, she had slept like a baby. Comforted in the safety of Steve's arms, the demons didn't dare mess with her.
First, it was the firefight in Kabul. She watched as Billy and Steve directed their teams with expertise that only comes from years of training. Steve saw her crouched behind the rubble, but instead of yelling for Billy to get her out, he took the shot himself. The bullet slammed into her chest, piercing her heart.
Then, it was Doris's house. The time she had stopped by after the break-in and admitted to Steve that she knew about Mangosta. The hurt and hatred in his face cut deeper than his words.
A montage of memories plagued her all at once. She watched a convoy of soldiers hit an IED. She saw Steve get blown back by the grenade and taken by Umar Hassan's men. Then, she was back in The Salt Pit, sitting in an interrogation room, watching Steve be beaten and tortured over and over again. Catherine thrashed in the bed. Her arms and legs were restrained by the tangled sheets. "NO!" She screamed out as the memory of Umar Hassan raising a machete over Steve's head filtered into her subconscious. "NO!"
Jude burst through the door like a linebacker trying to outrun a freight train, "What the fuck?! Are you okay?!" Catherine fought the bedding that tied her. She kicked and whipped her limbs trying to break free. He caught one ankle and blocked the swing of her arm, "Catherine, wake up." Her eyes blinked open and her limbs stilled, but the panic on her face couldn't be erased. He pulled back the layers of blankets that had wrapped around her and smoothed them out.
Catherine watched as Jude grabbed the back of the neck of his shirt and pulled it off, tossing it on the floor. Gently, he shoved her to one side of the bed and pulled the covers back on the other. "What are you doing?" She asked hesitantly, her voice shaking from the night terrors.
"You think you're the only one afraid to close your eyes at night?" Jude stepped out of his sweatpants. "You're not." The bed dipped under his weight as he crawled in beside her.
"Jude, what are you doing?" She whispered again.
He roughly pulled the blankets over both of them and yanked Catherine into his arms, her back caged in against the wide expanse of his chest. "I'm getting in the damn bed with you so we can both get some damn sleep. So, shut up and close your damn eyes."
"Jude?"
"What is it, Princess?" He murmured.
"Thanks."
"Mm. One more thing." He added.
Catherine tilted her head back and looked up at him as moonlight filtered in the room, "What's that?"
A devilish grin crept across his face, "Don't tell Decker."
Steve knocked on the hospital room door, announcing his arrival. "Eggplant parm." He plopped the styrofoam box down on the bedside table and sat down beside Danny's hospital bed.
"Nice to see you too." Danny mused sarcastically. "I thought you were dead or somethin'. Here I am, about to go under the knife and it's radio silence from you since we wrapped the case yesterday."
He sighed and scrubbed the stubble on his face, "Look, I'm sorry, man."
Danny gave him a once-over and waved his finger in Steve's general direction, "You look like you got kicked by a horse. What happened?"
"Catherine left." There was no way to make it sound better than it was. There was no use beating around the bush. She left and that was that.
"Shit. You're kidding me, right? Left like, she left to go see her folks for a couple days or left like… left-left."
Steve leaned forward and rested his forearms on his knees, "She's gone, Danny. For good."
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit shit. Maybe it was the drugs still leaking out of his system from the surgery, but Danny couldn't take the sullen look in his friend's eyes. "It's my fault."
"What the hell are you talking about." Steve's forlorn look suddenly flared with anger.
"I scared her off. Probably." Danny groaned as he tried to sit up, "Look, I knew you were thrown off by that call where she, uh, she was speaking Afghan…"
"Pashto." He corrected.
Danny sighed, "I met up with her and…." He pressed his palms into his face, "Fuck, I asked her if she was gonna leave again or if she was gonna stay for good."
Steve's nostrils flared as anger seethed out of every orifice. He stared down at his bruised knuckles, "You did what?"
"Yesterday, I uh, I called her up and asked her to meet me. Look, I knew you were gonna propose this weekend and I- I told her she needed to stick around. That you deserved to be happy. I sure as hell didn't think she'd pack up and skip town."
Pushing out of the visitor's chair, Steve made a beeline for the door. "I'm glad you're okay." He snapped. "Now I'm gonna go to a crime scene to clear my head and if I can't find one then just keep an eye on the news 'cause I'm probably gonna make one of my own. And I'll probably need some bail money since I just bought a fucking engagment ring."
Journal #4
Jude's Cabin - Winchester, VA
The nightmares are back. I miss Steve so much. I miss sleeping beside him. There's nothing that makes me sleep more soundly than laying in his arms. Jude came in and slept beside me after he woke up from the nightmares. I feel guilty about how soundly I slept after that. I felt like I was cheating on Steve. Damn it. We're not even together anymore and sleeping - clothed- beside another guy made me feel dirty.
My stuff arrived from Hawaii today just in time for me to re-pack for Kiev. I've never felt this tired in my life. I have no motivation to do anything. I just feel lethargic and lifeless. This op is going to be hell if I can't get my head right. Hell, it's going to suck either way.
Jude said something about Coen answering to someone in Washington. I can't help but think that he's right and when I find out who it is, they're going to have hell to pay.
Tomorrow we pack up and go to Langley to be read in on the op. I hope that being 7,500 miles from Steve will help, but let's be honest- I could go to Mars and he'd still have a hold on me.
Steve and Catherine sat side by side on the front porch as they watched Shelby toddle around the driveway. Will was hellbent on catching his sister's little feet, but to no avail. He cleared his throat and wrapped his arm around her bent knee. "You know, the last time we sat here was, uh, it was one of the worst days I've ever had."
Catherine nodded her head before resting it on his shoulder, keeping a watchful eye on the kids. "Me too."
"The day after you left, Danny told me about your conversation. When he, uh, when he asked you to meet up with him. You told him that there was nothing you wanted more than to stay. You told me if you could be in two places at once you would. You left the polaroid." Steve clenched his fist and pressed it to his mouth. "Dammit- I should have known. I should have known - that day on the porch… You, you looked terrified."
"I was." She admitted, looking down, "Even when we weren't together throughout all the years before that… I always knew you'd have my back if it came down to it. And when I left, I knew you would hate me and you wouldn't have my six anymore.."
Steve chewed on the inside of his cheek, "Did you know I was gonna propose?" He scratched the back of his neck, "I, uh, I know when you showed up before the Rabat op and you and Lynn…."
"Talked?"
"Yeah." He groaned at the awkward memory. "I know she told you…. But did you know? That I was gonna do it the weekend you left?"
Catherine shook her head, "No. I, um... I had a hunch. I thought maybe you wanted to go away on that trip so we could talk about it. Logistically. Make a plan. Run risk assessment. It wasn't something we'd ever really discussed in detail."
Steve chuckled, "You and your logic and risk assessment take all the romance out of a grand romantic gesture." He teased. Catherine leveled him a look that told him he didn't have any room to talk. He pecked the tip of her nose, "Shut up, Rollins." He grinned.
"Where were you gonna take me?"
"Huh?"
"The weekend you were gonna propose." She clarified. "You were all secretive about where we were going and wouldn't tell me what I needed to pack."
Steve grinned from ear to ear, "Why, Catherine McGarrett. I'm so glad you asked." He stated in fake sincerity. The rumble of a souped up SUV caught their attention. Lou and Renee Grover hopped out and scooped up Shelby and Will in their arms. "Bags are already packed, Lieutenant." Steve said as he stood up and offered her his hand. "Lou and Renee are staying here, so the kids are in good hands for the weekend." He stole a kiss before adding on, "So go give Shelbs and Will a hug. We're losing daylight."
AUTHOR'S NOTE
Happy Monday! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Leave your thoughts and comments in the reviews!
I'm so excited to write the Kiev op! If you've read Morocco, you already know a small sliver of what's to come!
Have a wonderful, wonderful week! Do some good in the world today!
XO,
-Mags-
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