Pehea wau i ʻike ai i kou makuahine

Based on the characters and stories of Hawaii Five-0.

Hawaii Five-0 is owned by CBS and their respective creators.


Steve leaned back on the chaise lounge with Catherine securely in his arms. Journal in hand, he flipped the page with his thumb and kept reading as he traced soothing circles on her arm. She grimaced as her eyes scanned the page in front of her.

The room they had booked at the base of Mauna Kea offered some much needed peace and quiet. Away from the hustle and bustle of Honolulu, away from the demands of two tiny children, away from the distractions and pressure of marriage and jobs. Catherine shivered as a breeze blew in from the ocean and tucked herself closer to his chest.

He lazily grabbed a blanket from the back of the lounge and draped it over her bare legs. Pressing a kiss to her temple, Steve waited until her eyes were closed to continue reading.


Journal #4

Kiev, Ukraine

I thought it was just nerves. I thought maybe the sandwich I got from the cafeteria at Langley gave me food poisoning. I thought maybe it was stress from leaving Steve and having everything turned upside down again. But here I am, alone in the safehouse, staring at a pregnancy test that has two pink lines.

I don't know why I texted Caroline from the burner. I don't know why that possibility popped into my head, but it did. I guess it was mother's intuition kicking in early. She swore up and down that she wouldn't tell Jude or Coen and left me the tests at the dead drop.

Coen's furious at me. Not about the pregnancy. He doesn't know. I've only made contact with Farah Ahmad a few times in the couple weeks we've been active. (Ironically, the last time was at a local pharmacy. I was able to ask her in Pashto if she had recommendations for a miracle cure for food poisoning. She had a good one. Too bad it wasn't food poisoning.)

I'm scared. I don't know what to do. Do I tell Coen and have him pull me out? Even if I do tell him, will he pull me out? Is feeling this bad normal? I know there are things I'm not supposed to eat, but I have no idea what they are. I guess it's good that I haven't had an appetite for much of anything.

What do I tell Steve? I have to tell him at some point. What if he's seeing someone and I wreck his life… again.

I guess the upside (is there an upside?) is that I'm not actually losing my mind. I've never cried as much as I have in the last few weeks and I guess now it all makes sense. Fucking hormones…

I'm scared, but I'm calm.

Steve is going to have aneurysm face when I tell him. Scratch that. He's going to have an actual aneurysm. That vein on his forehead is going to explode. I remember watching him with Joan when she was just a baby- he was so good with her, so natural. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I was with him. I miss him. I love him. Now, in some capacity, I have him with me.


Journal #4

Kiev, Ukraine

It's been a week since I found out and I still haven't told Steve. I haven't told Caroline the results or Jude, and I sure as hell haven't told Coen. The upside to Coen being a complete and total asshat is that unless I need something, I don't have to check in but once every two weeks, so that at least gives me until the end of the week to make it out to the dead drop to leave intel on Ahmad and Kushnir.

If my math is right, I'm probably somewhere around ten weeks along. God, it feels so surreal. I still can't believe it. (Well, apart from the throwing up all the time. That makes it pretty damn believable.)

Every time I feel like I have the courage to call him from the sat phone (Thank you for the phone tip, Jude), I dial and I hear him pick up and I can't do it. A few times, all he said was 'hello' or 'McGarrett'. That nearly brought me to tears. (Hormones.) Today I told myself I was going to call. I was going to tell him everything- the blackmail, the CIA, the baby - all of it. But he answered the phone and said my name. I couldn't do it. The only thing I saw in my mind was his face the day I sat on the porch and told him I was leaving.

Jude is right. I'm a coward.


"Brenner." Steve pushed the door to his office open with a scrape. He wasn't in the mood to be interrupted by a suit while in the middle of questioning a suspect down in rendition. Especially when said suspect was some hotshot analyst who decided it would be a good idea to illegally download a list of covert operatives and take it out of the country.

The man in the suit turned and nodded at Steve. "Commander. Sorry to barge in like this, but this couldn't wait."

"Oh, no problem. What's up?"

"Our engineers were able to identify which files Chris downloaded. The good news is any field ops that have been mentioned have been shut down. Most of the agents have been recalled."

"Great."

Brenner sighed, "The bad news is there are still a few deep cover operatives who, at the moment, can't be reached."

"All right. Well, you'll be happy to hear that Dalton took steps to encode those files on that drive in such a way that only he can access them." Steve crossed his arms, "So for now, the information is safe."

"That is good to hear. Of course, no encryption is foolproof." Brenner argued. "The people that are behind this will throw everything they have into breaking it."

There was something about his tone that was putting Steve on edge. He couldn't quite place it, but he had that feeling that something was going awry that he wasn't privy to yet. "I'm sure you're right. But at least we've bought ourselves some time to find them. At the very least, time to find those operatives who were potentially compromised now and pull them out of the field."

"Actually, that's why I'm here. You might be able to help with that."

"How so?"

"Your name came up in connection with one of the operatives. The CIA's been desperate trying to reach her, but they've had no luck. I think everyone's hoping you might have a direct line."

Steve cleared his throat and clenched his jaw. "All right, Brenner. I... I don't know where Doris is, okay?" He withheld his desire to roll his eyes and instead settled for pursing his lips in a thin line of frustration.

"I'm not talking about your mother, Commander. I'm talking about Lieutenant Catherine Rollins."

He blinked. This was a joke, right? "What?"

"Apparently, she's called you a few times from a sat phone."

Steve stammered his way through the explanation Catherine had given him the day she left him. "Yeah, she's, uh, she's doing aid work in South Asia."

"According to the information that we have, she's involved in a clandestine operation in Kiev."

"Ukraine?" He blinked again. Catherine was in the CIA? Every muscle in his body seized. The blood pumping through his veins was replaced with lava. His heart was crushed and his mind was afraid. His pulse raced. Brenner's voice turned into a distant echo as the room began to sway.

"Yes. Do you have any way of reaching her? My understanding is she's not scheduled to check in with her handler until the end of the week. Of course, the fear is that by then it might be too late." Brenner realized Steve hadn't heard a word since 'Kiev'. "Commander?" He repeated, "Do you have a direct line to Lieutenant Rollins?"

Why the hell had he deleted the number she had called him from? Steve knew it was her. There was no other explanation. Why the hell had he been so petty and eager to put the past behind him that he deleted the fucking call log? "No." He admitted. "No, I don't."

Steve didn't hear another thing out of Brenner's mouth. He turned and flung the office door open. Chris Dalton was going to pay for what he had done and so help him, Steve was going to put a bullet in Dalton himself if something happened to Catherine.


"Orders came down." Caroline Marshall strode through the warehouse as Jude, Decker, Coen, and the rest of the team were furiously packing up their op gear and the intel that Catherine had gathered, effectively removing any trace that they had ever been there. "We move out."

Jude glanced up from the box he was packing, "So there's a breach in the system and we're just supposed to leave her in the field?!" He barked.

If Caroline wasn't so used to Jude, she would have been terrified. But, she knew he was just looking out for the team and damn if it didn't make her proud. "Policy says that if there's a breach we roll everything up and get out of the field."

"So where are we going?" Decker piped up.

"American soil. The U.S. embassy. Not too far from here." Coen said. "Even if we've been compromised, we should still be able to make it."

Jude nearly flattened the packed box in his hands, "Again, so we're just supposed to leave her in the field."

Coen shrugged, "If we make contact we open her up to greater risk of being exposed. This is why we sever the U.C. agent from the support team. If one of us goes down, the whole op isn't blown." He shot a glare at Jude, "I know about the sat phone. You told her to break protocol just so she could talk to her boyfriend. Some security agent you are." He sneered.

He felt the burner phone in his pocket vibrate. His fist clenched as the aching desire to beat Coen into the ground coursed through his veins. Caroline cleared her throat. Jude looked between her and Coen. "I understand that that is what the policy says." Satisfied with his answer, Caroline called Coen over to look at something, but not before giving Jude a head nod towards the back door.

Jude quickly slipped the burner out of his pocket. His veins turned to ice when he read the text.

Princess: Send a medic.

Going after her wasn't even a second thought. Protocol be damned. Jude grabbed the med bag and thanked his lucky stars that he had gone through combat medicine training in the Marines. He grabbed his own pack and dipped out the back door.


Jude pushed his way into the front door of the safe house. Sweeping through the front of the house, gun drawn, he confirmed the lack of hostiles before locking the door behind him and calling her name. His pulse quickened when there was no response. "Princess!" He called out again.

A muffled thump from the back of the house caught his attention. Jude darted down the hallway and pushed open the bathroom door. "Fucking shit, what happened?!" He whispered as he dropped down to his knees on the cool tile.

Catherine took a shallow breath and slowly turned her head to look at him from where she was curled up on the bathroom floor. "Need a medic." Her pale complexion had turned into a ghostly white. Streaks of red painted the floor and stained the hem of her shirt. Had she been more conscious, she would have been mortified to have him find her on the bathroom floor wearing nothing more than one of Steve's oversized Navy t-shirts.

Jude picked up the burner phone that was just out of her reach and set it on the sink. Moving quickly, he unzipped the med bag and pulled out rolls of gauze and tape. "Shot or stabbed?"

"What?" The word was barely a whisper.

"The blood." He began calmly. "Were you shot or stabbed? Did you fall? Do you remember what happened?"

It took every ounce of strength and courage she had to shake her head, "The baby."

His eyes went wide and his heart ceased to beat. Jude froze in place, his hands stilled. "You're pregnant?"

Catherine nodded listlessly. Her throat was dry and her lips were cracked, "Something's not right."

Pregnancies and miscarriages weren't something they covered extensively in combat medicine. Hell, when they had been in Qala-i-Mirza, he had been lucky enough to be able to patch in an actual medic to walk Catherine through delivering that baby. But Jude had seen enough medical dramas with his foster mom that he knew the signs, even if they were a little dramatized. General Hospital mixed with his formal training would have to do. He offered a half-cocked smile and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "You're gonna be alright, Princess. I've got you." He dug deeper into the bag and pulled out a bag of saline. "When was the last time you ate or drank?"

She licked her lips and let out an exhausted sigh, "Been a day or so…. Haven't felt like much."

She winced at the coolness of the alcohol swap he rubbed on top of her hand. With swift, steady hands, he inserted the IV and taped it down on top of her hand. He hung the fluid bag on the towel hook and opened the roller. "That's gonna make you feel real cold, but you'll stay hydrated." He looked down and calculated the situation. There was too much blood. She was too weak. Too pale. "Does Charming know?"

"No."

"How far are you?"

"Ten… weeks… I think." Her body convulsed of its own accord as pain seized every muscle with a vengeance. "Oh, God." She cried out. Strands of hair stuck to her sweat-covered face. Jude gently peeled them off her skin and brushed them away.

He took a deep breath and held her hand as her body began to relax again. "Catherine, I'm not going to lie to you. There are three things you need to know. First is, the rest of the team has been pulled out of the field. There was a security breach on the CIA server and our identities are compromised." He cracked a wry smile, "That's the best of the three things." Jude looked down into her tired eyes, "The second thing is that I think you're having a miscarriage. And it's gonna be real hard, but I'm gonna be here the whole time. You're not gonna go through this alone."

Tears filled Catherine's eyes, "What's the third thing?"

"I think you should call Steve."

Her bottom lip trembled as she grimaced in pain, "I can't... I can't do that to him. C-can't tell him just for it to be a loss..."

"Hey." His soothing voice calmed her. Jude reached down and let his fingertips trace soothing circles on her back. "I'm not gonna make you do something you don't wanna do. But if it was me? I'd wanna know."


"Can you sit up for me?" Six hours later, Jude had kept his promise. She wasn't alone. Carefully, Catherine pushed herself up against the bathroom wall. The t-shirt she wore was soaked in sweat and blood. Nothing about life was neat and tidy, she thought. Whether it was bringing life into the world, living it the best you could, or watching it end - it was all messy.

She was grateful that Jude had stayed by her side. Even if she had made that phone call, there was no way Steve could have made it to Kiev. Still, she wished it had been him holding her hand, reassuring her, encouraging her.

Jude pressed the cool stethoscope to her chest, listening to her heart and lungs. He offered her a weak smile as he gingerly peeled the tape off of the back of her hand and removed the IV. "Let's get you cleaned up, Princess." Wrapping one arm behind her back, he helped her to her feet and into the shower. "Tell me if you're lightheaded, okay?" Catherine nodded, but when he reached for the hem of her shirt she tried to sidestep him, losing her balance in the process. Jude caught her in his arms and steadied her, holding her up against his chest. "Let me help you. Nothing I haven't seen before." He reassured her as he reached down again. Averting his eyes, he helped her out of the soiled t-shirt and tossed it aside. Jude took her hand and wrapped her fingers around the support bar along the wall. "Hold on to it, Princess." He turned on the water and scooted her closer until she was under the spray of shower. "I'm gonna clean up out here. Let me know when you're ready for a towel. And don't fall down in there."

He pulled the curtain closed and surveyed the bathroom. It looked like a warzone and an operating room collided. She'd been through hell. Working quickly, he gathered the few cleaning products he could find and scrubbed the bathroom until it would pass a drill sergeant's white glove inspection.

"Towel." Catherine said as she shut the water off. "Just toss it over the curtain." Jude did as she asked and waited until she was covered to pull back the curtain and help her out.

Disregarding her protests, Jude scooped her up in his arms, carried her down the hallway and into the bedroom. He set her down on the bed and pawed through her bag. "What do you want?"

"Just a tshirt and some sweats."

He found the requested items and handed them over. Stepping out so she could dress, he dipped into the kitchen, rummaging around until he compiled something resembling a balanced meal. Jude set the plate in front of the bedroom door and knocked. "I gotta make a call. Holler if you need something. Okay?" Padding into the back room, he pulled his burner out and dialed. He didn't wait for the other party to answer. As soon as the call connected he said, "Doris. We need to talk."


Journal #4

Kiev, Ukraine

I lost the baby.

I lost the baby and I lost the last piece of him I had.


Journal #4

Kiev, Ukraine

I've been through more pain- physical, mental, emotional - this year than I could have imagined. Every piece of me feels like it's been ripped out and sewn back together. I still look like me, but I'm not the same. I don't know if I'll ever be the same. I don't think I can ever go back to Steve, because even if he wanted me back as much as I want him, truth is, I'm not the same woman he was in love with.

Caroline got in touch and told Jude that our covers were safe. The rest of the team left the embassy and picked up where the op left off. The kicker is, the breach went down on O'ahu. And Steve was the one who saved my ass. Jude heard through Elliot Brenner that Steve knows about my working for the CIA now.

Steve knows the truth, and he still saved me. I guess our score is settled now. All I can think about is how angry he is that I lied to him. He knows I'm in, but he doesn't know why I did it.

Something happened after the miscarriage. Jude helped get me back on my feet a few days later and I went out into the city and I did my fucking job.

I have to stop feeling guilty.

Guilty about Billy's death.

Guilty about leaving Steve under false pretenses.

Guilty about Jude getting me through the miscarriage instead of Steve.

Guilty about not telling Steve about the baby.

Wounded doesn't have to mean broken. I have to move forward, grateful for the support and community that I have. Moving on is going to be a battle, but much like war, there's strength in numbers.


"When you told me about it…. When we were on our way to Morocco… You, you never told me it was that bad." Steve's voice croaked. "You, uh, you just said you got real sick…"

She rested her forehead in the crook of his neck, "What was I supposed to say?" She whispered, "I had ruined your date with Lynn… We were on a C-130 to Rabat and ended up having sex even though you were seeing someone else. I couldn't dump the details on you like that..." She wiped the tears away from her eyes and took a deep breath, "You deserved to know - and I should have called you and told you sooner than Morocco, but I didn't want to burden you with the mess of it all." The corner of her mouth quivered with unwieldy emotion, "And then we got the call after it happened that you and Five-0 had recovered the files that had our identities." Tears welled up in her eyes again, "I had just lost a part of you and you saved me."

He exhaled a shaky breath. "Jude was there with you?" Catherine nodded. Steve had been persistent about Jude Beckett. She, on the other hand, had been cagey and diverted the conversation anytime he tried to broach the topic. He pressed a kiss to her shoulder, "I'm glad he was."

Catherine relaxed in his arms, "I was really scared…"

"I wish I had been there for you. Been there with you through it." He confessed. Steve shifted and laid back in the chaise, pulling her down beside him. "Why don't you talk about him, Cath?"

"Because I don't know where he is." She finally admitted.

Steve felt the pain in her voice. He knew the feeling all too well. The feeling of leaving someone behind. Freddie's stupid grin popped into his mind. "Is that why you've been helping Five-0 out with cases a lot since you moved back? To have access to the server so you can track him down?"

Catherine nodded. "And why I played ball with Coen when we were in Spain on our honeymoon… I thought maybe I could get some information out of him about Jude's whereabouts."

He didn't want to ask, but he did, "Is it rescue or recovery?"

"I haven't heard from him since my last op. He got reassigned to a long-term op before I got out. I haven't been able to get in touch with him since."

Could be either, Steve thought. He tilted her chin up and kissed her lips, "You are fiercely loyal and excessively stubborn, so pull your very pretty head out of your very fine ass and let me help you find him."


AUTHOR'S NOTE

Whooo, that was a heavy one to write. Leave your thoughts and comments in the reviews, loves.

XO,

-Mags-


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