Although they were slowly healing, things didn't get back to what they called normal for a long time. The week after their hike was hard work. Luckily they were both extremely busy with classes, but the short time they spent together in Severus' quarters was oddly strained. They would mark essays as usual, but the snide comments and remarks that usually came from Severus were absent, and when she would ask him questions or point out an interesting article she had read, he would reply very succinctly and turn back to his task. Their debates weren't passionate, their conversations weren't personal, they were simply being polite, not daring to incite an emotional reaction from the other.
She would spend at least half an hour lying on the sofa, playing her guitar every night, but where Severus would often sit beside her and thread a hand through her hair, now he stayed in his armchair and didn't make any sign of being interested in her presence at all.
The worst part was at night. Severus hadn't touched her since the evening when he had snuck into the bedroom in the darkness and pulled her tightly into his shaking arms. The distance between them in bed made her think of February when she couldn't bare for him to be too close to her and it had taken her long minutes each time to be able to calmly slide closer and closer to him and force her body to trust him again.
She wondered if Severus was suffering from the same post-traumatic stress. She had thought carefully as she had climbed the mountain about his needs. She thought that he may be wary of nudity, as she imagined the two women in Lucius Malfoy's ballroom would have been naked, so she made sure to pull on a pair of black leggings and a long, black t shirt before going to bed. She imagined that he would struggle with any kind of intimate touching, so she made sure to stay on her side of the bed, and simply stretched out her hand towards the centre of the sheets, allowing him to take it if he wanted to.
He didn't.
On the fifth night of lying awake side-by-side under the covers, she finally stretched out and grasped his hand which lay rigidly beside his body. She slipped her fingers between his and tried to supress the darkness that surged through her at the contact. Severus simply gave her hand a squeeze and then slipped out of her grasp once more, turning on his side, his back to her.
Strangely enough, they had to thank Umbridge for bringing them closer together. The following week, Serena received a letter stating that Umbridge would be inspecting her seventh-year class with the Ravenclaws that Monday afternoon. The Friday before, they had found Sybil in tears in the Divination classroom after being put on probation, and Serena really wasn't in the mood to be smiling sweetly at bloody Dolores Umbridge.
She threw the letter down on the kitchen table where Severus was drinking coffee and reading The Prophet.
"Bloody hag," she snapped. "It's my turn now, this is absolutely ridiculous, I can't believe Albus is letting this happen!"
"Albus has no choice," Severus replied curtly, turning a page without looking at her.
"Of course he does," she snapped, "this has gone too far, surely if he spoke to the school governers-"
"The school governors are petrified of Fudge, you heard Black's account of what's happening at the Ministry. Everything is being monitored, every member of staff is being scrutinised. Fudge is outing supporters of Albus.'
"Yes well it's a fucking joke," she snapped. "I'm a bloody good teacher and I don't need her to come and judge that or ask me bloody personal questions in front of the kids. Christ!"
"You're a pureblood, answer her questions and she'll leave you well alone. It's not that bad."
She snorted, "Rich coming from you! You were an absolute nightmare apparently! The Gryffindors said you were fuming!"
"Ah, so you talk about me behind my own back with the Gryffindors, do you?" he asked in a silky voice, looking up at her with narrowed eyes.
"Yes," she replied, her eyebrows raised, "ever since Ernie McMillan told me that you were interested in the Charms position because you had been asking the Hufflepuffs questions about my programme and authority in the classroom-"
What had started out as a one-sided angry outburst quickly became banter and teasing and the tennis-like feel to their taunting, poking back and forth, reminded Serena of the time they had spent learning Occlumency in his office two years ago.
She had to supress a smile and knew that Severus loved finding someone who dared fight with him in such a flirty manner.
When she left for her classes that morning she actually felt as though her heart was a little lighter, despite Umbridge's visit. The man she had seen that morning had almost been her Severus back to normal.
When she returned to their quarters that evening she was scared to find Severus back to his usual, cold and distant self, but she was relieved to find a raised eyebrow and a smirk on his lips, as taunting as it was.
"So," he said slyly, drawing out the word infuriatingly. "You insulted Umbridge, did you?"
Serena gaped. "I did not insult Umbridge!" she cried, pulling off her cloak and slumping down into the sofa.
"Oh? And I quote, 'Who are you to judge my program, I bet you didn't even get an Outstanding in Charms," unquote."
Serena felt her cheeks blushing and saw Severus' eyes soften. "Well, she started criticising the content I was teaching the seventh years. It's ridiculous. She said we should be on simple conjuring charms for the NEWT year and nothing more complex is needed, they mastered the basics weeks ago! I'm not wasting a whole year of their life when they could be learning charms that will actually help them in the real world!"
"That, my love, is the problem, Umbridge doesn't want them prepared for the real world."
Serena felt her heart leap at the slip in his sentence and only just recovered in time to cover her shock.
"Yes," she stuttered, flustered, "Well that's only because they've painted Harry out to be a freak."
Severus cleared his throat heavily and stood up abruptly. "I must patrol the hallways. If you'll excuse me."
"Fuck," Serena muttered to herself as his dark figure disappeared. He had clearly read her face and realised his slip of the tongue. Yet it wasn't a slip, she thought frustratedly. He would always call her his love and she was enthralled by the words sliding off his silky tongue just for her. But now, it appeared, it was too intimate for Severus.
"Time," she murmured to herself, lying back on the sofa and resisting the urge to open a bottle of wine. "It's just going to take time."
…
As the second week went on, their talks and debates became more and more natural. Severus had been called to the Dark Lord on the weekend, and although she had feared that it would make him worse, it seemed to have helped him compartmentalise his personas more easily and when he came back, although stiff and stony, he had shared the happenings with her and spent the evening criticising Albus.
By the end of the third week she was no longer walking on egg-shells and they seemed to have found their usual rhythm, in the day time, at least.
The nights were still the same story. Severus wouldn't touch Serena, and whenever she dared turn and caress his arm or rub a hand over his chest, he would seem to lean into her touch for a split second before hastily turning away.
She found herself sitting in the Grimmauld Place kitchen with Remus on the following Saturday night, long after Sirius and Samuel had gone to bed, the other man's concerned eyes piercing her intensely.
She sighed and took a sip of her red wine. Although she had seen Remus several times at Grimmauld Place since that horrible weekend, they had always been surrounded by people and they hadn't had a chance to talk properly.
"So," Remus said eventually, giving her a small smile. "What's happening?"
She grimaced. "I think I got him back just in time… It's taken weeks but… I think he's trying to force himself to move on, you know… I… I still feel his self-hatred and his anger, but… less so than before."
Remus listened intently and nodded. "If there is anyone who can put that man back together it's you."
She grimaced, "yeah, almost."
He raised a questioning eyebrow.
Serena sighed and rubbed her cheeks that were quickly reddening. "I… we haven't… we haven't had sex," she finished rather bluntly, burying her face in her glass.
"Ah."
They sat in silence for a moment until Remus spoke in the warming, understanding and patient voice that she loved him for.
"From what you describe he has suffered a sexual trauma… It is only natural that any form of intimacy will take time… His body may not be ready to-"
"It's not his body," she said quietly. "His body reacts just fine… I've seen his hard-ons in the morning… I can feel his desire when I touch him… it's his mind that's the problem. He's punishing himself. Or protecting me. Or both."
Remus, who was clearly struggling with the image of Severus' penis looked away and took a long sip of his wine.
"You mean, you think he is punishing himself by foregoing all sexual activity to repent for his sins?"
"Something like that. Or else he doesn't want to contaminate me with his dirty, sinful body." Her tone was sarcastic but there was truth behind her words.
"Or," Remus said thoughtfully, "he simply thinks that you don't want him anymore… have you been… explicit enough?"
"Of course," she sighed, "he freaks out even when I take his hand in mine."
"Yes, but that's not really a sexual act is it," Remus said. "I mean, nothing in hand-holding says, 'get your wand out', does it?"
She almost snorted her wine over the table. "No," she said weakly, "I suppose not, but I mean, come on, he knows I'm crazy about him, and sex, it's been three weeks for god's sake, I had to get myself off the other day just to get rid of a bit of stress!"
It was Remus' turn to snort. "Too much information darling."
"Well, just being honest," she muttered light heartedly. "Okay… so I need to be more… explicit…."
"Yeah, I don't know, go out and buy some new outfit that will make him unable to resist you."
Serena raised her eyebrows, but the idea had some merit. It seemed she was taking a trip to Diagon Alley.
…
She felt ridiculous but the glass of whiskey she had just necked was slowly warming her up from the inside and giving her the confidence she needed. She went to the bathroom mirror and surveyed herself for a final time. Severus would be back any minute.
She had gone for black, obviously. A detailed lace three piece with sheer black stockings and silver suspenders. The thong was miniscule but seemed to give her bum a nice shape, and the bra pushed up her small boobs and made them look a lot bigger than they actually were without using an engorgio charm. She had finished off the outfit with the killer black high heels that Severus liked, and a deep red lipstick.
The only smudge on the landscape was the rough scar, slicing through her smooth stomach and ruining everything. She hadn't dressed like that in a long time, she thought darkly. She pulled her scarlet cloak from the wardrobe and draped it over her shoulders, pulling the belt tie tight around her waist and hiding her outfit from view. It wouldn't do to jump on him too early and scare him away.
She took a last glance into the mirror which complimented her cheekily and then walked through to the kitchen, her high heels clicking on the stone floor strangely.
She had just put water on the stove when Severus entered, a scowl on his face and a small vial in his hand.
"Good evening," she said lightly, smiling at him as naturally as possible and trying to ignore the fact that she had started sweating under her cloak.
Severus looked her up and down from the lipstick to the shoes and frowned. "Are you going out?"
"No," she said without looking at him, "just bought a new lippy I wanted to try out. What do you think?"
Severus' eyes widened and he simply shrugged, placing his vial on the kitchen table.
"What's that?" Serena asked curiously.
"Fake Veritaserum," he said grimly. "Umbridge asked for some, and I am not giving that hag any, so I made a fake version which resembles closely. The drinker will have some symptoms, mildly want to be honest, but in reality they could fight it easily."
"Genius," she smiled. "Come and give me a hand, will you? I wanted to make something nice for tonight."
Without a word, he shrugged off his cloak and rolled up his shirt sleeves, before washing his hands. They hadn't cooked together in a few weeks, and Serena had chosen a particularly complicated recipe.
They were soon dancing around each other in the small kitchen, the heat of the stove and the delicious scents wafting over them. Their bodies were closer than they had been in a long time and Serena made sure to deliberately touch his hand when she took ingredients from him, or to brush against his body when she leant around him to get to the chopping board.
It took about ten minutes, but the air was soon crackling with magic and much more. She could feel the connection between them, and knew Severus could too. When she had leant down to take a casserole dish from out of the bottom cupboard, she made sure Severus got a glimpse of her stockinged leg, and his eyes had followed the gap in her cloak ever since.
She couldn't decide when the opportune moment to pounce was. She felt strangely nervous, no matter how ridiculous she knew it was. She was worried that if she waited too long, Severus would push the intimacy away and find and excuse to not help her with the end of the meal, just as he would run away whenever they got too familiar.
When she couldn't take anymore she cast a stasis charm on the pots and gently slid the wooden spoon from out of Severus' hand.
"Wh-"
"I did have other plans before we eat," she said mysteriously, gesturing for him to follow her into the living room.
He frowned impatiently but followed her all the same.
She very gently placed a hand on his chest and guided him into his armchair.
"Serena," he said in a hard voice, "What are you-" He let her push him into a sitting position all the same, but stopped talking when she placed a soft finger to his lips.
"I just want you to hear me out," she said softly. "I… I'm not sure if I've read the signs properly, I hope I have, but it's sometimes difficult to tell when you've relied on feeling emotions freely all your life… But… I'd like to think that I do understand my husband.
"Anyway, we've made so much progress over these last few weeks, Severus, but there's still one thing that is missing."
Severus wasn't stupid. "I'm not sure this is appropriate," he interrupted. "You don't-"
But as Serena untied the red ribbon around her waist he fell silent and his eyes, once hard and cold, burned with fire as he devoured her with his gaze.
Her cloak fell unabashedly to the floor behind her and Serena took one confident step towards him, giving him a good look at her cleavage as she placed one hand on either arm of the chair.
"I thought this might please you," she half-whispered, trying to look innocent. "But if you don't find me attractive then I'll just-"
"Wait," he said hoarsely, as she went to move away. His hand flinched towards her and then seemed to think better of it and grasped the arm of the chair instead. Serena knew that no woman had ever dressed this way for Severus before. It was a first for him, and he was clearly struggling to resist. She felt powerful.
"I thought about what you might like," she said in a hushed voice, bringing her red lips closer to his parted ones and feeling triumphant as his eyes looked straight down at her breasts. "I know you like to feel my breasts in your hands, and squeeze my arse cheeks… and I thought you would enjoy me being the same height as you…"
"Serena…" he had clearly tried for conviction and failed. She slid herself slowly into his lap and let one hand rub up his chest to his neck, where she planted a bright red kiss. His erection was rock hard beneath her and she rubbed against it unsubtly.
"I think you should touch me," she whispered into his ear, her tongue tracing the lobe naughtily.
Severus let out a breath he had been holding and then spoke again. "Serena, I- I don't think I should… I… you don't realise… I…"
"I do realise," she whispered, continuing to rub herself against him. "You're punishing yourself, you're not letting yourself feel pleasure because you don't think you deserve it anymore, but Severus, you're punishing me too… I need my husband… I need to know he loves me, I need to know he is attracted to me, and I crave your touch…"
She heard something like 'Morgana's tits' muttered under his breath before his forehead pressed forwards into hers and he brought a trembling hand up to cup her face.
"I don't want to punish you, my love, I don't… I… I did a terrible thing, and… nothing can take that back."
"Nothing," she agreed, closing her eyes. "But I just want to move on. I need you Severus, I need only you… please…"
She felt Severus shift and then heard him whisper under his breath, "Sentimente Assimile."
She knew he believed her when his two hands came up to thread through her hair tenderly.
"You impossible woman," he whispered hoarsely into her ear.
She smiled and let her own hands roam over his shirt before undoing the buttons to get to his chest and the black hair below.
"I think you should touch me now," she murmured seductively, and her eyes fell shut when Severus' warm hands found her shoulders and back.
He explored her body as though discovering it for the first time, and she felt the wonder and contentment resonating through his body. The palms of his hands found her hips and he traced her lace thong with his fingertips, causing her to shudder with anticipation. When she opened her eyes she found a look of pure hunger on his face, and his eyes burnt with the fiery passion she had missed.
When he placed a soft kiss on her collar bone, she felt the magic crackle wildly around them and her stomach gave a jolt of thrill and pleasure.
"I missed you," she whispered, her full, red lips caressing his jaw bone teasingly. "I have longed for your touch for so many nights, Severus."
His fingers squeezed her hips and his eyes filled with intensity as they bore into her own.
"I have longed for many other things, too," she added with a whisper, threading her hands into his hair and scraping her nails along his scalp.
"Oh?" he said throatily, swallowing hard.
"Yes," she purred in the most seductive tone she could manage, "I dreamt that you would sweep me off my feet, carry me to the bedroom and make love to me as though it was the last time..."
Severus' eyes grew wide and they seemed more alive than they had in a very long time.
"That, I can do," he replied in a throaty voice, and she couldn't help but giggle as he lifted them both from the armchair and held her in his arms as if she weighed no more than a feather.
