This chapter was suggested by CHSHiccstrid. Hope you like it!


Entry 59

Spring has returned, and finally, Berk feels normal again. Well, as normal as it can be, at least.

The people are back on their feet, with trade up and running again, so there's that. But I'm still in no better standing than last time I wrote. In fact, I now have all the evidence I need to say without doubt that my dad hates me.

It was pretty early midday, and Dad had dragged me out of the house to follow him on his chiefing rounds (why he's even bothering to try and teach me anything anymore is beyond me.) As we were out, we had to stop for a naming ceremony. Another man in the ward, whose wife was clearly with child, made an offhanded comment, obviously not meant to be heard.

"Just better hope ours turns out better than that Haddock woman. Makes me wonder what she'd done so poorly."

The wife responded, "I'm sure nobody could fail as badly as she. I mean, several mishaps only to end up with THAT runt boy? It's no wonder a dragon got her."

"Should have taken them both, if you ask me."

I looked away, praying my dad hadn't heard them. But he did.

Within a moment, he had marched up to the couple. "Nobody on this island dare say a word about Valka. If I ever hear ill word of her again, I won't hesitate to ship the perpetrator to Outcast Island." He raised his voice, addressing the whole building. "Understood?"

Several solemn faces nodded, and the offending couple looked almost frightened.

And then, he motioned to me, and we left. And, despite the lingering hope, never did he mention a thing about me.

We went home, rather than continue work around town. I expected this, since talk about my mom is the only thing that ever gets to my dad. And once we were back inside, I simply went upstairs, leaving my father to his mood... and I to mine.

There it is. That's my final confirmation. That says everything my dad won't say about how he feels about me.

I'm not even worth defending anymore.

People have always talked; it's what humans do. Even I'm prone to talking too much, and it's come back to bite me before. And all my life, people have said things about my family. About how my parents tried so hard, yet still came up short; about how it had something to do with my mother, that it was her fault. Back then, my dad would do the same thing he did today: defend her. But he would also defend ME. I used to be part of his rule; no ill word about Valka Haddock... and no ill word about her son.

But now… he no longer cares. People can say whatever they want about me, and it's of no consequence to them. Yet still, say something about my mother, and it's off to Outcast Island with you. My dad feels the same way about me as the rest of his people: I'm just… Hiccup.

I truly have no place in Berk. That's clear to me now. And I'll never have a place in Berk if I don't do something big, something only a real Viking would do.

I can't risk sinking any lower. I'm barely keeping my head above water as it is… if just a couple more waves crash by, I'll drown.

A memory flashes in my mind, of that visit with the Beserkers, and how it felt to be so close to death. There was nothing I could do, and a moment came where I accepted that this truly was it. But I can't accept this now. I just keep fighting it, keep trying to stop the inevitable. Because some part of me, some stupid, stubborn, HOPEFUL part of me just can't give up.

I want to believe that this isn't all I have; I want to believe there's really more for me, somewhere in the future. I want to believe I can make a name for myself, worth more than just the one I was given. I want to believe that people still care about me, deep down. I just can't see anything right now.

And yet… that little piece of me continues on. I just hope it can last long enough to come true.

Until next time…

-H


Bit of a headcanon there with Valka and Stoick.. I don't think Hiccup was their first attempt at having kids. It just adds another layer of sadness to the story haha.