Chapter 89: Kindness is Overrated
Hope you're all doing well. Here's the next chapter… if you like it, can you leave a review? Or even if you don't – you can tell me why or what I can do better if you want to. Thanx x
Jamie was getting really impatient. He loved and really cared about Daryl but why should he be the goddamn receiver all the time? And it had been months already! Surely, he'd built up enough trust by now? Besides, he was more than a decade older - it was practically his goddamn right! And he considered himself to have been very kind and generous with his young boyfriend, more than was expected actually.
While he showered gifts and favours on the teenager who took them with gratitude and joy in his eyes even as he protested that he didn't need them, Jamie was receiving nothing in return! Wasn't even allowed to see his boyfriend fully naked except under the cover of darkness or under the actual cover until he finally did by accident to his anger and horror. Not even given the truth about the scars on Daryl's back which he was convinced were from a belt or the cruel cuts from a painfully sharp knife as well as the cigarette burns across his torso. He'd even found a bitemark, for fuck's sake! But shown restraint and not said anything. Hadn't wanted to spoil the mood. Only kissed it better or was he trying to kiss it away? Luckily, the boy didn't notice and only sighed in pleasure.
Jamie didn't know what torture the younger Dixon had endured – probably both of them but he couldn't care less about Merle who seemed to be always trying to get in between them, who he'd wish would butt out frankly but he knew unlocking Daryl's past was the key to getting him to submit fully to him. The bristling protectiveness that Jamie sensed from him whenever he was there maybe wasn't surprising given Daryl's history of abuse, etched into his very skin and he'd eliminated the brother early on in the game because for want of a better word, Merle clearly adored his baby brother. But the depth of their feelings for each other seemed a little extreme for merely brothers who weren't even twins. Still, Jamie could put some of it at least down to what they'd been through as kids.
Although the teenager had remained stubbornly silent about his past, there were clues.
The conversation that he'd stumbled upon when he first laid eyes on the boy. Daryl and Merle's father had apparently gone AWOL with no trace. But neither of them seemed concerned or even sorry that he was gone. But Daryl clammed up or even started to tremble whenever Jamie tried to find out about his past – which was his childhood basically.
Sometimes, he seemed so tough and impenetrable that Jamie forgot how young he actually was.
Merle was in the way. Maybe Jamie would have to do something about him, especially if Daryl insisted on running back home to stay with his big brother once too often.
Daryl
He was patient and understanding, at least in the early days, I'd give him that. About 2 months into our relationship, I had still never let him or let him see my body except under the cover or the cover of darkness but he found out then anyway.
Before that, he used to joke: 'You're not deformed, I hope?' Taking it all on in that good-natured way that had made him so attractive to me in the first place. 'Or got a third nipple?' He chuckled. 'Hey, maybe that could be fun!' He turned serious. 'Why don't you let me see you, Daryl?'
'I jus'…because…' But I couldn't put the shame of my scars and all the other of Dad's marks all over my skin into words.
You see, I wanted to forget Dad. Forget the evil fucker had ever existed.
'Oh, come on, baby. You telling me that your body doesn't match your gorgeous face?' His eyes twinkled then as he leaned forward to kiss me. Then, he tried to undress me but I put my hands-on top of his. 'Don't – please don't.' I begged.
He looked at me funny but did as I asked. Then he just held me.
For all his understanding, I knew he was getting impatient at my inability to confide in him. That and the other thing. He was clearly a very dominant man and wasn't that what I had always wanted? Someone to make me feel safe? Then, why couldn't I tell him about my bad past?
It was bound to happen. I was getting dressed and he thought I was out and came upon me in our bedroom. With my back facing him.
He gasped and brought his hand up to his mouth with that expression I dreaded most of all.
Pity.
'Who did that to you, baby?' His voice was full of shocked concern.
And I hated it.
I whipped around to face him. Shrugged. 'It's nothing.' I tried to act like I didn't care but I could feel my body trembling when it had stopped doing that for a long time since my father was gone.
And I couldn't stop it.
And I knew he saw!
I felt so naked. Like he could see the things worse than just a little belt-whipping he'd done to me.
'Don't look like nothing to me.'
'Well, it is!' I lashed out in humiliation and embarrassment. I hated anyone looking at me like that.
'Who did it?' He repeated and his voice took on a dangerous turn now as he clenched his hands into fists at his side. His eyes were flashing fury. I had never seen him so angry.
'Jamie…Don't…It was an accident. I used to climb trees all the time but I fell…and…and the branches…' This lie even sounded pathetic to my own ears.
'Don't lie to me! Looks like whip marks to me. From a belt? Thought I just saw his fuckin' belt buckle on you just now…' His eyes opened in sudden realisation.
Sudden realisation made his eyes fly wide. 'That why you and Merle …' He softened his voice then when he noticed me backing away. 'Sorry, baby for yelling. I'm just so…and I just want you to...You can tell me the truth, Daryl. Maybe I can even help.'
Usually, I would have told him where to go but he was looking at me with such genuine concern. I swear now that his initial anger for me had passed, I could see tears in his eyes. For me. And I did love him so very much and it was his reaction and his real emotions made me come undone.
'I…I can't …please, Jamie…' I finally broke down. Wondering how it could still affect me when it had been so long ago and he'd done a hell of a lot worse to me before I finally got the guts to end him.
He rushed over to me. Stroked my hair but when he reached to touch my back, no doubt to explore my scars, I put a hand over his. 'Don't… Please don't.' I whimpered, hating my weakness. He took them away.
'I had my suspicions but I wanted you to tell me first. Didn't want to pressurise you.'
Great, I thought to himself. So everyone can see what he did to me. He was skirting around the subject of my Dad without saying his name out loud though. He couldn't think it was Merle who had done it to me. 'Jamie, it don't matter anymore...'
'Then why are you cryin', baby?'
I shook my head and wiped my eyes feeling stupid. 'Dunno.'
'It's OK. I'm here. I felt them before, you know. I knew what they were. Why you always pushed my hands away.'
I shuddered and buried my face in his neck, full of shame from that day. And the rest. He probably felt the tears dripping down on him but he didn't comment and started to rock us slowly.
Just like Merle did whenever I freaked out in the middle and I couldn't let him… How could they have been so alike? And yet so different?
How could I have been taken in so easily? Fallen so hard and fast for him?
'OK. But promise you'll tell me about them someday? And what really happened…?'
I nodded. Because maybe I could eventually.
'They're from an accident.' I insisted more firmly.
'OK. An accident'. But his tone clearly betrayed that he didn't believe a single word I said.
And I loved him for it. Pretending anything to make me feel better.
So, one day, Jamie decided to try again but by using a different tack. He told himself it that Daryl should be ready by now.
He plied him with alcohol to relax him until he climbed into his lap like he was wont to do. Like a child seeking comfort. Like he'd never had this from the people who had raised him. So, Jamie rocked them slowly in his flashy rocking-chair that had cost a bomb. When he was all relaxed, he tipped up his chin and kissed him slowly.
'Now, you know I'd never do anything to hurt you…' He smoothed his hair slowly. 'But…'
Daryl raised his head and narrowed his eyes from under his hand. Apparently not as tipsy or as cuddly as he at first seemed.
'But what?' He was immediately on the alert and looking up at him with eyes of frosty, blue glass.
Jamie lost his nerve. 'Nothing.'
Daryl sighed and ducked his head to the older man's chest.
Later, when he was under him (as usual) and Daryl was doing all sorts of incredible things with his hands while moving inside him, Jamie thought, he's incredible. So, what if he won't let me…this makes more than up for it and he didn't mention it again.
For a while at least.
Jamie stormed back to his house in a bad mood. Daryl ran up to him but he shook him off.
'Jesus! What's the matter with you?'
The older man shook his head to return his kiss. 'Sorry. Problems at work, you know what it's like.'
'Oh? Is the business OK? Tell me.' Daryl laid a hand on his arm and watched him with a concerned expression. But the teen couldn't know what it was like. Apart from helping out Merle with his off and on mechanic's business fixing cars, he'd never worked. Not really.
'Don't worry. It'll be fine. 'Sides, don't want to bore you with all the stupid details.' Jamie sighed as the younger man wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled them over onto the sofa. Daryl smelled so good like wood smoke and cherry wood. And youth. For his part, Daryl didn't miss the stench of whiskey from the other but wasn't put off, apparently.
Jamie had listened to the other men's conversations as they steamed in the sauna when it changed into who was selling and buying what land and property up to talking about their young lovers and that was what had put him a bad mood. Business was doing surprisingly well actually. All those men were a select group, those ones who preferred young males with an unspoken code of secrecy. Some were even married with children but dabbled in on the side. Others, like him, hid his lack of appreciation for the 'fairer' sex. They had all boasted about how they got what Daryl refused to give him and how good their 'boyfriends' were at it.
One creep, especially – who openly admitted that he preferred male prostitutes obviously under 18 and liked to use force – even pain - had especially got to him and he'd seen the flash of anger and disapproval passing amongst the others. The fleshy, red-faced asshole had drunk too much whiskey at lunch (they all knew that drinking was a bad idea before coming to the spa but they'd done it anyway) and his mouth ran away with him. He'd doubt the others would do anything about it though since they were all bound together in their secret life and if one was exposed, they all were but Jamie vowed he would make the bastard pay. One way he considered was making him lose money, perhaps by entering a bad business deal based on misinformation that Jamie personally gave him or spread around.
Disgusted as he was, the land developer had found himself being unwittingly turned on by the sick man's account of his sexual exploits. Try as he might, he couldn't stop himself thinking he was missing out on something that should be his by right. He didn't even want to think about all the money he'd already spent on him…
'Daryl…'
'Yeah?'
'Have a whiskey and bring me one too, kiddo. On the rocks, of course.'
He got up off him to obey.
'Good boy.' He patted his backside as he left making him turn around and give him a funny look.
Jamie grinned easily back at him while Daryl showed him the finger before he swaggered off to his large, marble-topped kitchen.
After he came back and they'd finished their drinks, they made out, both getting hot and sweaty. Jamie took his hand gently and led him up to the bedroom.
'Let me try something…' He started to undress him carefully.
Daryl already knew what he was going to say. What he wanted. Although to be fair, he'd only started making these kinds of requests recently and getting more demanding.
He shrunk back. 'No…I can't. Ever. Told ya…'
'Why not?'
'I jus' can't.' His eyes were big with terror and he recoiled back into himself. 'Don't know what's wrong with carryin' on like we are…'
'You know, if it's something to do with your scars…With who did them…Did someone really hurt you, Daryl?' He asked like he didn't have his firm suspicions of who it was. Why the person had apparently just 'disappeared' out of the Dixon boys' lives.
Daryl clutched himself and shook his head.
Jamie saw his trembling go into overdrive and almost backed off.
It wasn't worth it.
'Told ya I don't want to talk about it! Anyway, told you where they were from…'
Jamie was on the verge of contradicting him, 'No, you didn't' but thought better of it. So, he humoured him and didn't probe deeper. Doing that only made Daryl clam up more, he knew from long experience.
'Let's just try, OK?' He suggested gently. 'See, you can tie my hands behind my back or you can just hold them there if it'll make you trust me. You're the one in control.'
Jamie was gratified to see that he was actually taking time to consider his proposal.
'Uh…OK.' Daryl was curious despite himself to see if his latest partner could match up to Merle or the teacher…the only two men he'd willingly let do that. And he wanted to get over Dad. Merle wouldn't have it any other way and Rogers…well, he didn't even know he had a choice back then but he was pretty sure Carl would have refused, just like his brother. He had to admit that he liked it- liked it a lot - when they were inside him, just the bit before was the worst. Besides, he wanted to get over his Dad and what better way was there?
His boyfriend tried to calm himself and go slowly not to freak the younger man out. Jamie put his hands behind his back. 'Go get my dressing-gown cord, baby.'
Daryl shook his head. 'No need for that. I trust ya.' But something in his eyes showed the other that he was not fully convinced.
'Go get it anyway.'
But minutes later, when Daryl had tied his hands behind him and Jamie was just sitting there like that apparently harmless, not even doing anything, the teen freaked out and backed away into the opposite corner. He drew his knees to his chin and wrapped his arms around his knees, his breathing harsh and his body shaking and if Jamie didn't know better, he was clearly having a panic attack. 'I can't!' he cried.
Jamie felt a pang of guilt for his selfishness. 'Daryl, sweetheart, what's wrong? It's me whose got their hands tied behind him, I can't hurt you.' Yet he easily slipped his hands out of the loose knot the boy had made. 'Sh…'.
Daryl looked up at him warily as he approached. Especially staring at his freed hands and naked body. At his member but it was quiet now, no threat to him – he knew that but his Dad was in his head and Jamie was morphing into him right in front of his eyes; it was all he could do not to run out of there. He shook his head to clear it.
'Sh..'. He let the wealthy man pull him to him and kissed his temple. 'I'm sorry. Shouldn't have put pressure on you.' He kissed the top of his head and felt the Dixon let out a deep sigh and finally relax against him as he rocked them slowly. 'There's plenty of time for that, we only just met.'
'Six months ago! I just hate this! I'm sorry! Though I'd got over it…' He stopped and frowned as if he'd let too much out.
'Got over what?' The older man pounced.
But Daryl shook his head and set his lips together firmly closed. Dad was right. He felt deeply ashamed and embarrassed and momentarily considered just running back into his brother's arms and never looking back. Because he was still clearly too fucked up to be with anyone else apparently and only Merle got what he was thinking and feeling without Daryl having to explain. He often stopped without Daryl having to tell him to and he hadn't realised what a relief that was.
If he'd been older and a little wiser, he would have done just that. Got out of there.
Saved himself.
But he didn't know about the others. Not until it was far too late.
