Chapter 90: Ghosts

Daryl deals with some ghosts from his past. He tells Merle that it's over between them because now he's with Jamie. But is Jamie all he seems? Ha ha - some real shockers coming up over the next few chapters.

Please leave a review if you can, it would really inspire the writer. Thanks x

Daryl

With hindsight afterwards, Merle wasn't being an asshole about my boyfriend just out of mere jealousy or to wind me up. He had sensed something off with my 'Sugar Daddy' as he called him scathingly from the very beginning but I just didn't want to listen.

As the months rolled on and I was still unable to give him what he wanted, Jamie gradually got more insistent. The fact he never gave up asking me when I was going to be ready should have raised a red flag and told me that our relationship was never going to work. But I was very young and totally stupid in love.

Plus, I started to think about Rogers and what Merle said about him abusing me or at least taking advantage. Hell, I didn't even know back then I had a choice! And I didn't want to be pushed into anything before I was ready. That's why I was so stubborn, I guess.

Jamie started laying on the guilt-trips and pressure after my 19th birthday when he spent a bomb buying me designer clothes and other gifts that I appreciated but didn't want. He very good-naturedly put up with my brother too and stayed civil in the face of his disgusting dining habits in the expensive restaurant and cocktail bar he took us to after. Gulping down the expensive imported brandy like it was water and barely hesitating a minute before ordering another (at my boyfriend's expense), Merle stood out like a bad thumb. I'd only realised how disgustingly we ate when Jamie told me to slow down, take a rest between meals and to close my mouth while I chewed.

He'd started laying out all the knives and forks and spoons - same type we got in the restaurant he had at home to teach me dining etiquette. He'd wrap his arm around me from behind while he lay one hand on top of mine as he asked me to identify each salad fork, soup spoon and the different bowls and plates, etc, etc... He'd praise me when I got it right and lightly slap my hand when I made a mistake. I didn't mind – it didn't hurt. That was just before he'd start kissing my neck and touching me up over then under my clothes until neither of us could stand it anymore and we forgot all about the dining lesson.

Fuck all that - after it ended badly between us and badly was the understatement of the year, I wanted to get rid of any trace of him. We were Dixons and we decided that it was the other person's problem if they couldn't accept who we were but that's another story. Still, I had to give it to my older boyfriend, his eyes didn't flicker nor did his expression even hint that he despised my brother for being a crass, dumb redneck hill trash but he kept that casual, benign smile of his plastered on. That expression of his that was so warm and inviting that it made you let your guard down.

Made you trust him.

I could tell that my brother was annoyed that he couldn't get his mask to crack when he didn't even try to mess around with me under the table even though it was my birthday. In the past, he would like to get kinky and surprise me, particularly on special occasions like this one and try something new on me in bed or drive me to someplace new. An exciting, deliciously dangerous place because it would be somewhere a little exposed with the chance of getting caught.

I had to admit that I mostly relieved at his new-found restraint but a little part of me also felt disappointed. Even though in no way did I want to go back to how we were before I met Jamie, I still missed him like a brother despite the visits which never seemed long enough. He'd always been there (although on and off) for as long as I'd been alive and he'd literally kept me alive.

Merle must have been really disheartened because he thanked Jamie graciously (for him). The older man, for his part, barely glanced at the bill even though he must have been surprised - probably annoyed at how much it was with all the extra brandies. I could tell that Merle was also deeply uncomfortable, thinking his one gift of a slender silver chain engraved with my name on it under the initials D and D put him to shame compared with all of my boyfriend's gifts. But to me, it was the best!

Mostly because I knew how long he must have saved to give it to me and the entwined D and D had a special meaning for us. He knew by my reaction although I tried my best not to show that I preferred one man's gifts over the other. Of course, he did, Merle was my brother after all and he knew me better inside and out more than most big brothers ever got to know their little brothers.

If Jamie was aware of this, he didn't show it.

Happier now, my damn brother tried to kiss me as soon as we were alone and feeling bad for him and grateful too, I kissed him back in the unattended coat-room while Jamie was paying the bill.

'How about a treat for the birthday boy?' He whispered in my ear and went to unzip my tight, black L&V PVC trousers. 'Fuck, I want to make you feel good so damn bad...'

But I put my hand over his, stopping him. 'I can't do it to him again. Not when he's so good to me.' I remembered guiltily the one and only time I'd cheated my older lover with my lover-brother.

'Why not?' Merle nuzzled my neck and wrapped his arms tight around my waist. And it felt so damn good like coming home. Believe me, I was tempted.

'It's your birthday, Darlena. Surely you can really enjoy ya sweet self today of all days?'

'No, Merle, NO!' I firmly put his arms away from me. 'I'm with him now – it's serious. We've been together for more than a year now.'

He looked downcast, making me feel bad for him again and opened his mouth as if to argue but zipped it back up. I had to give him credit for holding back from badmouthing Jamie but he couldn't stop himself smirking at the presents. I knew he didn't approve of the designer clothes - the PVC pants topped off with a black leather jacket and the smart, plain white T-shirt to complement them. It just wasn't Dixon but I wasn't about to admit that to my brother. Jamie had even insisted on doing my hair that morning too and gelled it so it stuck up in spikes. Not my style but I said nothing because I wanted to make him happy.

'Your present was the best by the way.' I twiddled the silver pendant between my fingers thoughtfully. 'Thanks.' I kissed him on the lips and he brightened up at that.

'I knew it!'

'Let's go back in.' I led the way where Jamie was waiting for us.

A few days after, Jamie said something he'd never said before when I refused again, 'Come on, honey. It's the least you can do for all the fancy dinners and clothes I'd been giving you, sweet cheeks.' Then he gave an easily laugh as if it was meant to be a joke.

But I knew better because afterwards, his lips were set in a straight line and the laughter didn't reach his eyes. He just stood there and waited expectantly as if I was suddenly going to say 'Yes' after being insulted like that.

'Didn't ask you to! You think I'm ya whore?' I couldn't help myself in my fury. He denied it of course and apologized again and again. Eventually, I let him pull me onto his lap before he pulled down my pants and made it up to me with his mouth.

And there it was, he expected something from me. I never asked for any of that stuff, I told him that again and again that I liked it but didn't need it whenever he brought up. Not that I wasn't grateful. But showing gratitude shouldn't involve getting panic-attacks or being terrified out of my wits.

Yeah, I know, I know. I let my brother, why couldn't I let him? And he'd never hurt me, never hit me, hadn't tried to force himself on me (as if he could!) and always took care of me.

Feeling sorry for him, I did try a few times but when it got to that point ... I couldn't go through with it and always made him take it out. He'd sigh but didn't complain or try to make me feel guilty.

Not then.

Missing my brother and wanting a change of scene, that weekend I went back home. He hugged me before he dragged me from the porch inside where the alluring cooking smells came from.

I hated that house but since I'd been away, the ghosts had seemed to have retreated a little. He kissed me eagerly while I laid restraining hands on his chest.

'Merle...' I warned.

'What?' Can't a guy show that he's pleased to see his little brother?

'Not like that he can't.' Of course, he'd tried to slip his tongue into my mouth!

'Then why ya here, Darlena?'

'Jesus, Merle! Does everythin' with you have to be about sex?'

'No, of course not! I made us a nice dinner.' He puffed out his chest proudly but I could tell that he was upset.

I hugged him and pecked him on the lips. 'Thanks, Merle. It smells nice.'

He beamed. 'Spaghetti Carbonara.' He pronounced with a little difficulty.

'Wow!' I was really touched that he'd gone to all that length to make what I'd eaten on my last birthday in the fancy Italian.

He handed me a cold beer while he went back to finish cooking in the kitchen.

'Did you meet any nice girls lately?' I called out to him, trying to distract him from me.

'A couple – ain't sure if they're nice, though.' He shot that line of conversation down in a hurry and there was a brief silence before he came out with the steaming plates of pasta.

'Merle – you know I'll never feel about anyone else like I do about you. You're my big brother...and you know...you know...all my secrets. Well, most of them anyway. But I can't be like that with you. It's wrong.'

'Whatever.' He banged the plates down on the table, suddenly turning angry. 'Dunno why I bothered. In fact, why you here when you got a rich Romeo at home? My food ain't good enough – sorry, I ain't runnin' a 5-star restaurant here. And this here ain't no 5-star classy hotel- can't compete with him, can I?'

'Don't be like that.' I knew I would have to do something to make him feel better so I went over to him and got onto his lap. I'd grown almost to his height but was still pretty light and skinny.

'Please Merle.' I wrapped my arms around his neck and he kissed my cheek.' You know I love you best of all...jus' not like that. Yet why did part of me not believe my own words.

He said nothing and didn't react.

'You know we can't ever do that again...I really like Jamie – I think he could be it.' I pressed my point painfully because I knew how much it would hurt him but he had to know the truth. 'And you need to find someone for yourself, Merle. We're brothers and it ain't healthy, it's sick.'

'Ya sayin' none of it meant a thing?'

'No. What I mean is...he messed us up by what he did. Neither of us were in our right minds when we ...when we...you know…'

He nodded reluctantly and hid his eyes from me. Then he kissed my cheek to let me know that he understood even if he wasn't happy.

'Find a girl or a boy – 'cept I don't think you like any of them except me, do you, bro?'

He chuckled at that but I could see that he was still upset.

'Come on. Up. Food's gettin' cold.' He put a brave face on things and didn't try to change my mind like he knew he had to let me go.

And I loved him for it. For letting me go.

Yet after dinner, when we'd had a few beers followed up by whiskey, we fell back into old habits. Watched Saturday night TV on the old sofa and I could see Dad sitting in his armchair opposite us, drinking and smoking. Ignoring us like we weren't there and staring at the flickering screen.

Were we ghosts to him too?

I shuddered. Merle noticed and put his arm around me as I tried to squirm away.

'It's OK – think I'm gonna try somethin' after you told me not to?'

'No.' I slumped and relaxed against him. When I looked over again from under Merle's hand, Dad was still there. I shivered.

'Yeah...I see him too. He don't say nothin'. Jus' sits there like he used to, drinking his whiskey and smoking' his cheap smokes. When he wasn't puttin' them out on us, that was.' The crappy TV show was suddenly forgotten.

I shivered again and looked away. Merle took his face into my hands and looked into my eyes. 'Don't worry, he can't hurt us no more.'

I shrugged him off and looked down at the bare-thread carpet. 'Don't, Merle. Don't talk about him. 'Cos ya know what I did...'

'What? What you did to him? What about what he did to you? Ya think his ghost is gonna come back and haunt ya, that it, little baby Darlena?'

I whimpered – something I didn't do very often these days but there it was. When he called me that, something always came undone deep inside me.

It was also something to do with being in that house, I immediately felt tense and on edge anyway.

When I dared to look again, our father was gone. I blinked and shook my head. Was I going crazy? But Merle saw him too!

I decided to change the subject. 'Merle, when you gonna move? Sell this dump and get outta here? Get away…from him?' I whispered.

'Why? It's free rent, ain't it?'

'Yeah...But you remember where I offed him!' I jerked my head towards the window looking out onto the yard.

'Should have been me. If I'd been a better big brother...wouldn't be you carrying this...' He grabbed me suddenly by the shoulders. 'Don't you ever mention it again, to anybody, you hear?'

I bowed my head out of habit. 'Yes, Merle. I mean 'No'.'

He ruffled my hair, all anger forgotten. 'You did what you had to, Daryl. No point feelin' guilty about it. Evil bastard deserved it.'

We sat in awkward silence while he started running his hand through my hair. I leaned closer to him because he was telling me in his own way that he didn't want anything else from me. That whatever I decided to give was good enough for him.

Except I didn't believe him.

Daryl

I was on the verge of sleep when he got up from the sofa and turned the TV off. 'Comin' up to bed, Darlena?'

I stared at him. 'You think that's a good idea?'

He gave me an exasperated look and sighed melodramatically. 'I meant your own room, dumbass.'

'Yeah, sure.' We went through the same pantomime every time I came to visit but nobody was fooling anyone where I'd actually end up sleeping.

Because my bedroom held a lot more worse memories of Dad than even the living room. The times when I'd woken up, for instance, and he'd be waiting for me between my legs after slathering me with lube or butter if we'd ran out. That was after I finally let myself go to sleep in exhaustion from listening out for his footsteps on the stairs and landing. And then there was his ghost…

Of course, Merle knew exactly what to say. It was our well-worn script.

'Come in with me. Like we used to, what do you say to that, Darlena? I'll keep you safe, promise. Didn't I always?'

I was secretly relieved that he was the one to suggest it.

'You think that's a good idea?'

'Come on, I ain't gonna try nothin'. I know you're with him now.'

'Better not.' I growled while he grinned in that way that drove me crazy.

We climbed the stairs and after emptying our bladders, I prayed that I wouldn't have a thumping hangover the next day. We'd drunk quite a lot and I no longer had the tolerance for a Merle drinking marathon since Jamie cut down on my drinking. He didn't like me drinking more than him.

I got into his bed, fully clothed, not quite trusting him completely when he started to strip. Right in front of me! No doubt to try and tempt me with his muscles and toned body.

'No, Merle. You can't!' I suddenly felt a wave of panic. He was going to try something after all.

'But I always do...'

'In the middle of winter?' I asked, sceptical.

'Don't feel the cold.' He shrugged and sighed but he kept them on, just the same. Dixons didn't wear pyjamas.

'My prissy little sister, Princess Darlena.' He muttered.

'Fuck you, Merle. I know how you think, that's why!'

He got in at his side, fully clothed except he took his boots off. He had that musky, male, I-need-a-shower, boozy, cigarette plus Old Spice smell which I hated by the way because it reminded me of our father. Right along with the whisky breath. Yet, strangely it was comforting because it was him and not Dad.

His bed was far bigger than mine so plenty of room for both of us to keep a decent distance between us and I planned to keep it that way. But of course, he had different ideas.

'Come here.' He scooted over to my side where I was curled up in a tight ball as small as possible.

'No, Merle. Don't.'

'Sh. Jus' wanna be close to ya, is all.'

'No.' I moaned but I didn't mean it and he knew it. The truth was I needed him. Still didn't feel safe in this house with the bad memories.

'Sh...Jus' wanna hold you, is all, like we used to. Remember?' He wrapped his arms around me and like we always did, I snuggled up to his chest out of habit before I could stop myself. The familiar warm feeling of safety swept over me, too powerful to resist. I'd never felt it – not this intense, anyway with anyone else, not even with Jamie. He'd come close but he couldn't beat flesh and blood. Blood was blood and he was mine and I was his.

Merle chuckled when he felt the tension fade from my body and pulled me to him closer.

'See? No need to feel guilty, we ain't doin' nothin' wrong.'

'Some people might disagree...'

'Fuck 'em.' He kissed the top of my head. 'I missed the fuck out of you, little brother, you know that?'

I nodded against him.

'Tell me one thing, though. Tell me the truth.' He paused.

'Does he ever hurt you? Like... get rough sometimes?'

'What? Jamie? You mean even rougher than you?' I countered sarcastically.

'Yeah. I mean - does he make ya do shit ya don't want to do?' I knew what he was getting at, what he was obsessed with but refused to help him out.

'No, of course not! Besides, you think I can't stop him if I want to?' Now it was my turn to be sarcastic.

I thumped his chest. 'Night.' I said, letting him know that I intended to go to sleep and sleep only.

'Night.' He stroked my arm before he put his arm back round me. Spooning me from behind but keeping his hardness away from me for once. 'Don't let the bed-bugs bite.'

I had to admit that him holding me as I went to sleep felt nice and I'd forgotten how good it felt. Jamie did too but it wasn't the same as with my brother.

The same day we did brother stuff...now it was my turn to go out and treat Merle to new clothes and a nice meal but he wouldn't have it.

'Ain't takin' his money, 'cos it is his, ain't it, Darlena?'

'Merle...'

'I don't wannit! Ain't no charity case.'

'He never said that...he jus' wants me to enjoy myself with you, is all.'

'Don't care. It's insultin', that's what it is! Him thinkin' I can't treat you now and then when it's my job!'

'Merle...'

In the end we went Dutch and ended up in the best local bar.

Marty's.

He looked at me. 'Well, hello there, stranger. Where ya been at, Daryl? It's been a couple of months since you came back home.' He asked as if he didn't know. Maybe he was hoping the opposite. I should have listened to him and to Merle and never gone back there.

I usually managed to make it back home at least once a month but I'd been gone 3. Merle still came to restaurants and bars and other places when Jamie invited him. I naively thought at the time it was nice of him to invite my brother to make me happy – like he knew how important Merle was to me.

'Still livin' with Jamie.' I answered.

He frowned before he could stop himself. 'So, you're still with that big hotshot?' He sighed and I noticed how he lowered his voice.

Merle put a big brotherly arm around me. 'Yeah he is. You heard him about buyin' up all the land round here?'

Marty nodded. 'It was him who bought Creasey's place too down in the woods a few weeks back...and it ain't barely more than a shack with a few old outhouses thrown in. Don't know why...real estate here ain't worth half as that even down in Bridgewater. Property prices ain't gonna go up anytime soon with the recession and all either.'

'I don't know what he's playin' at.' Merle shook his head. Suddenly, I got angry at them talking about him like that especially when he wasn't here to defend himself and shook my brother's arm off my shoulders.

'Shut up, both of ya.' I stood up and glared up at both of them. 'You don't know what you talkin' about! He's a property and land developer, an investor...Done better for himself than either of you and he knows what he's doin'!' I blushed when I realised that other customers – most I had known for years were staring at us and listening. I hadn't meant to get so personal either. I don't know why I said all that – money and status never used to mean anything to me.

I looked down at the ground. 'Sorry.'

At the same time, I sensed Merle shaking his head behind me and exchange hopeless looks with his best friend before Marty nodded.

'No, we're sorry, Daryl...didn't mean nothin' by it.' He gave my brother a hard look. 'Jus' talkin' 'bout business, is all. Nothin' personal.' I opened my mouth to reply but nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt a heavy hand clap my shoulder.

'Well, well.' One-eyed Joe and his shadow were suddenly behind me, breathing hot stinky whiskey dog-breath down the back of my neck. They had slipped in without either of us noticing – Merle sure wouldn't have gone out of his way to call them up either. He'd never been able to stand them either apart from not wanting to answer their incessant questions about our Dad's whereabouts. Everyone else had stopped asking ...probably believed that he'd got drunk and had a fatal accident somewhere like we planned them to. But that pair of old dogs seemed to have an uncanny nose for the truth. Unfortunately.

We'd managed to avoid them for a relatively long time but should have known they'd be out on a Saturday night.

Merle rolled his eyes because they thought that being our father's friends still gave them the right to harass us about Dad every chance they got. Even after more than 2 years! They seemed to have nothing else in their miserable lives.

Joe continued to harangue us and out of instinct, I cringed away Joe's tone grew more mocking. 'So, it's true what they say. Ya are jus' a homo, after all...' He slurred and staggered about until his crony grabbed him and steadied him.

'Don't be too hard on him, maybe it ain't his fault. Remember what happened with Mikey...' Smitty tried to pull his drunk friend away and was trying to calm things down but as usual with his big, dumb mouth, he only made things worse.

'What the fuck did you jus' call my brother, fucker?' Merle whirled round, his tone dangerous. 'And what about Mike?'

I blinked and recoiled when I heard that hated name of the other person, I'd done my best to scrub from my memory over the years. It was as if Smitty had thrown an icy bucket of water right into my face. Even Dad had forbidden us to mention his name under our roof after he attacked me and no doubt told his buddies not to either. They'd been there – they'd heard what my father did to his best friend when he found him with me. He'd beaten the shit out of him and thrown him down the stairs and ordered my brother to take out the broken man and kill him. And to make him suffer long and hard before he let him have that sweet mercy. Even that sick piece of shit had held me and stroked me night and day for weeks afterwards to try and take my pain away and keep the nightmares at bay. Telling me over and over it wasn't my fault, that 'Uncle Mikey' was just a very, very sick man. I was only 13 when he tried to rape me. Funny, he used to be my favourite 'Uncle' out of all of them.

How the world turns.

I also knew that there had been rumours about me and my teacher so I guess nobody was really surprised about Jamie. They probably knew about me and Eric too. I knew people knew. Yet, until now, they would never have dared say anything to my face because of whose brother I was, especially when he was with me. And I had generally felt accepted. Probably because they thought I wasn't into guys by choice – I had been made that way because Mike had made that decision for me.

But they didn't know what my own father did. He started three years later where 'Uncle Mickey' left off and finished the job again and again and again every day for months until I was bleeding after.

So, Smitty bringing up what had happened to me was a direct slap in our dead father's face and ours too. Although to be honest, I don't think he did it to hurt me, he was trying to make what Joe had said about me better. He just had foot in the mouth disease and wasn't very bright.

It used to be considered suicide to mess with a Dixon. Were we losing our reputation? Just because Dad was gone and I liked to mostly fuck guys?

'Who you calling a 'homo'? Me and my brother snarled at them both at the same time, rounding on them. Everybody was watching, enthralled.

'Back off or get out. Don't be go spreadin' shit you know nothin' about.' Marty told them after he saw Merle's face go red with rage and he whirled on them. Fists clenched and I found myself mirroring him, working in perfect sync, protecting each other's backs.

'Right that's it, ya wanna fight, go outside.' Marty ordered, realising that Joe had said the worst thing he could and extreme measures needed to be taken by us.

But coward like he was, Joe backed off when he saw that we were going to kick his ass, Smitty or no Smitty. I wasn't a kid anymore, bigger and stronger than a year ago.

'Only jokin',' he ruffled my hair but that was the wrong thing to do.

'Don't fuckin' touch him!' Merle pushed me away behind him and drew his fist back and landed him on the floor.

Smitty just stood there and sniggered, his efforts at peace-keeping forgotten quickly in his miniscule brain.' Ooh, better watch out, Joe. Big Bro's gettin' angry.'

Before either of us could react, Marty banged the glass he was washing down on the wooden bar top. 'What did I say?' He yelled and groaned.

'Want some help?' One of the middle-aged regulars offered, glaring at the four of us.

'No, I'm fine. Leave it, Jack.' I swear if he could have afforded a bouncer or two, we would have been thrown out long before this already. Calling the cops was naturally out of the question.

'Sorry, Marty.' Merle said looked over his shoulder back at him. 'We didn't start it, they did.'

'Ya want some too?' I snarled and rounded on Smitty while his buddy got up from the floor, holding his bleeding head where it had struck a barstool as he fell. 'I ain't a kid anymore, not so easy to push around and you two are gettin' past it.'

They staggered out with Smitty supporting Joe. All eyes in the bar on us and I wanted the floor to eat me up just then.

'We better make sure they understand.' Merle looked at me, all serious. Leaving our drinks on the table, we followed them out.

'Back in a minute.' He nodded at Marty who nodded in return.

Out in the parking lot, we caught up with them.

'Joe.' Merle grabbed his shoulder and whirled him around. 'From now on, I want you to stop botherin' us, you hear? Yeah, you were friends once with our Dad, don't mean we are, got it?'

'Ooh, I'm really hurt to hear that.' Joe scoffed and put on an exaggerated hang-dog expression.

Smitty stopped and watched us.

'That goes for you, too. Got it?' I growled at him and moved menacingly closer and I was pleased to see, he backed off. He didn't answer, just looked at me with that slightly vacant look he always wore. No surprise, he always looked at Joe to see what to do and followed his lead. He had no mind of his own, probably couldn't even take a dump without asking for Joe's permission first.

I grabbed him around the throat when he didn't answer. 'I said, have you got it?'

Smitty just looked back at me with his empty eyes. 'Fuck! Is there even anyone there?' I knocked on the side of his head before I released him in disgust, knowing my brother was smirking from where he was at my side.

'Why ya sayin' that, Daryl? We never hurt ya, only tried to look out for you for your father's sake.' Smitty actually spoke before Joe and took the initiative.

'Yeah, right. Then what was all that about me being a 'little homo?'

'Weren't me who called ya that. Joe was just jokin' with you.'

'Can't we do that?' Joe tried to appear reasonable.

'No, ya fuckin' can't. Because he ain't.' Merle snarled and grabbed him by the throat. 'Stay away from us in future. We got nothin' to say to you. Especially not about our ...de...our father.' He quickly corrected himself.

'Where is he? Your Daddy?' Smitty opened his mouth again.

'Fuck.' My brother released Joe and grabbed his own head and shook it in disbelief. 'What did I just say, moron? More than 2 fucking years later and you still don't us, not even what the cops said. 'There was no evidence of foul play', he quoted. Like talking to a pair of brick walls.'

'No evidence doesn't mean somethin' bad didn't happen to him. Only means the cops don't know. One of you killed him, didn't he? Come on, jus' admit it boys, no-one could blame ya...he used to beat the crap out of both of ya pretty badly, didn't he? We're his friends but we didn't like that part of him.' His voice turned wheedling as he his eyes flicked between me and my brother. 'My money's on Merle. Daryl don't have it in him.'

This was the most I'd ever heard Smitty say all in one go.

'Told ya, he's jus' gone. How many times do I have to say it? Even the cops gave up. ' Merle argued back. 'Now, why can't you jus' fuckin' let it go?'

'Because we don't believe ya.' Smitty answered now his face was full of expression – a sly one, mirroring Joe's.

I grabbed him by the collar and shook him. 'OK- ya want the truth? If I give it to you, you gonna leave us alone then?'

'Daryl...' Merle warned, shaking his head at me and mouthing What are you doin? 'You don't have to...'

'Yes, I do! Don't ya see?'

'Daryl, shut the fuck up!'

I ignored him. 'You wanna know what really happened? I'll tell you if you promise not to tell anyone.'

They both nodded their heads like hyenas, eyes blazing with the need to know.

'Daryl...' Merle warned again but again, I ignored him.

I sighed like I didn't want to say what I was about to. Like I was protecting my old man. 'He was drunk as usual. He beat the shit out of me and told me that he hated me and that I wasn't his son.' I made my lips tremble like I still felt the pain of it.

Merle played his part to perfection as well as he put a comforting arm around me and held me tight.

'He said...He said that he never wanted to set eyes on me ever again and that if I didn't leave, he would. So, I just lay on the floor, bleedin'. Must have passed out but before I did, I heard him stumble out, slam the front door and get in our old beat-up truck and drive off.' I paused for maximum effect while they stared and let tears come into my eyes even if Dixons never cried and my voice cracked slightly.

Their eyes goggled.

'He never came back.' I finished triumphantly and liked to think I had passable acting skills. 'That was the last time I saw him. I guess he must really be dead after all this time.'

I saw that they were finally starting to buy it.

'That's right.' Merle was nodding with relief. 'We reckon it's true what we told ya before that he had an accident but they never found no body...he probably swerved off down a ravine on the mountain. He was drunk as a skunk.'

'Yeah. Never did believe that story about leaving for a woman. He would never have left that house - not the memory of your mother. Practically was house-bound in the end.' Joe agreed.

'But then why did he decide to leave Daryl that night, then?' Smitty actually showed some intelligence and put a spanner in the works.

I wasn't worried. 'Yeah, well, like I said he was drunk and high - did I forget to mention that? I remember now he snorted some meth and coke, right in front of me. So, he was out of his mind when he drove off.' I embellished my lie, sensing I was finally winning them over. 'He was so angry at me. It was like he hated me. And…And…I don't know why.' My voice trembled and it wasn't all acting. 'You know what can happen once you add chemicals to booze.' Their eyes darkened with understanding and I knew that they were thinking of Mike and what he did to me.

'Now what you say sounds more like it. 'Joe shook his head in sympathy. 'I'm sorry, son, it ended that way with your father. Why didn't you jus' tell us the truth, Daryl? We know what he was like. We could have helped you. Made sure you were OK – even helped you to look for him. Why keep us wondering what happened to him all this time? We were worried sick about him!'

'We did tell try to tell you the truth - OK maybe I left that part out about him beating the shit out of me and saying he was leaving because of me because maybe I felt ashamed (I bowed my head and looked at the ground) but you'd already decided it was us! head! And I guess we didn't involve you because ...we were afraid that everyone would think like you did! That we killed him and then the cops would come sniffing around and blame us just because of who we are. They've been gunnin' for a Dixon since I don't know when. Send him down for good. And the whole time we didn't know any more than you did!'

'Yeah.' Merle nodded. 'Weren't no secret that we weren't the fuckin' Whartons.'

That's the fucking understatement of the century, I muttered to myself.

'You gonna stop hasslin' us now?' Merle asked.

'Sure.' Joe was contrite now. 'And I'm sorry about what I called your brother – real sorry. Didn't mean it. I know he ain't…it was the drink talkin'. And thanks 'cos at least we really know what happened now. That's all we wanted – the truth. We won't bring it up with you again, bye.'

With that, they left us and we parted ways.

Merle grabbed me then and smacked my lips. 'Ya were fuckin' brilliant, baby brother! They should give ya an Oscar! They fuckin' fell for it! Morons!

'Yeah, it doesn't even make sense, not really! Do you think they're really gonna leave us alone?'

'Don't matter. Who cares what those idiots think? As long as they buy our story.'

I looked up at him, smiling in relief. He hugged me tight and I could feel how hard he was. I gasped and shoved him away.

'Merle...'

'Alright...alright. I know. Hands off.' He raised them in mock surrender. 'It's taken a long time to get used to all this 'You can look but you can't touch' business.'

He lowered his voice and whispered with his hot breath into my ear. 'But fuck, I'm hard, little brother. You do that to me.'

I smirked at him. 'Can't help you with that, sorry.' I turned my back on him until he ran and caught up with him. We made our way back home in companionable silence, it was only a short walk after all.

I glanced down and noticed that his hard-on had got even bigger, if that was possible. He saw me and smirked at me but then turned away.

As soon he unlocked the door to our house, he ran inside, pushing me aside.

'Need to take a piss.'

'Hurry up, Merle!' I banged on the door. 'I'm burstin' too!'

I heard him chuckle as his heavy stream dried up. Followed by his moans and jerking off noises.

'Fuck ya, Merle! Ya disgustin'! I need to go!'

'You..can't...complain...' He panted. 'You refuse to touch it.'

'Damn right I do! Clean up the fuckin' mess when ya finished, ya hear?'

He chuckled filthily to that but I wasn't going to hear him cum. I put my fingers in my ears and went into the living room to turn the TV on full blast.

'Disgustin' pervert.' I muttered. The blonde bimbo presenter on the screen drowned out his noise – just about. If I focused on her tits that was and I cursed him because he was moaning as loud as possible just to mess with my mind. To make me jealous? Show me what I was missing or to make me feel guilty for not helping him out?

'Asshole.' I deliberately pushed past his shoulder when he came out grinning. At least he had his flies done back up.

'There was a time when ya used to lick my sex juices right off me...and swallow them.' He leered at me and ran his tongue slowly around his lips. 'You used to suck me like a lolly pop and swallow it whole sometimes.' He taunted.

'I can do it to you if ya like.' He whispered and I had to admit his dirty talk was turning me on but I refused to be tempted.

I didn't answer but I could hear his dirty laughter as I went into the bathroom, trying not to think about what he had just been doing in there.

My big brother was a fucking pervert. Yet it looked clean, he had probably done it over the toilet bowl and flushed it away.

At least I hoped so.

'Ya keep it up and I'll go back to Jamie's tonight.' I snarled at him when I came back.

He looked worried.

I sighed. 'Merle, ya gotta let me go. It weren't right what we did – it wasn't decent. We're brothers for fuck's sake.'

'Since when did ya care about that?' He snapped back.

That's when I saw him. He was sitting in the armchair in the same clothes he'd had on when he died. His head was even bleeding from the cut I'd inflicted and I forgot all about our argument I backed off. 'Merle...'

Without realising, I was backing into my brother. He stopped arguing and automatically put his arm around me. 'What's wrong, baby brother?'

'It's him.' I whispered.

'Who? I can't see nothin'.'

'Merle – Dad's sittin' there again!'

'No, he ain't.'

He was right, I looked back and Dad had gone.

'Fuck.' I shook my head. 'Think I've been takin' too many of ya pills again, Merle.'

He laughed at that.

'Come here.' He pulled us down onto the sofa in front of the TV.

'No... don't. Ya got clean hands?'

He snickered at that. 'Still my prissy Princess Darlena, huh?'

'Better than being a brother-fucker.'

He chuckled at that instead of getting angry. 'Guess I deserved that. But seriously, I was only kiddin' before. But what's a guy to do, huh?'

'Hold me, Merle. I think he's still here.' I didn't like how I sounded – afraid and whining. Yet, he was only to happy to oblige as I lay my head in his lap - nowhere near his dick so he wouldn't get any funny ideas while he stroked my hair.

Then, I tentatively looked up from under his hand to see if Dad was still there and breathed a sigh of relief to see that he was gone. Meanwhile, I was still trembling like crazy but his touch was beginning to calm me down like it always did. I don't think either of us were really looking at the TV.

'Don't worry, I ain't gonna let him hurt ya.' None of us considered how strange it was that we were talking about a dead man.

'He died in violence...killed by his own son – can't get much worse than that. Don't that make a good ghost story?'

'Yeah – but he deserved what you did to him. Go to sleep and stop talkin' nonsense.' He brushed back the strands of hair that were far too long (Jamie wouldn't let me cut it) on the back of my neck to kiss the cigarette scar there. The electric shock touch of his lips on that particular place made me squirm dangerously close to his dick and probably that was his intention and he reached under me and tickled my stomach. Like he used to do when I was small before he went back to petting my hair with one hand and chugging his glass of whiskey with the other.

Eventually I did doze off, his fingers gently moving through my hair in the same pattern over and over did that to me. I must have slept only for half an hour or so and when I woke up, the first thing I looked for was Dad but his armchair was empty.

'What's that at the window?' Merle's program had finished and his words woke me up startled. We both looked at it but there was nothing there.

'Come on, up.' He gave me a gentle shove off him. 'Let's go up to bed. Make us some pancakes and maple syrup in the morning, how would ya like that, huh, boy?'

'Yes, Merle.' I said meekly and he looked up at him from under my fringe and he brushed it out of my eyes. He'd reverted back to treating me like a little kid again so I started to act like one without even knowing. However, I would go back to Jamie the next day because, he would be back from his business trip by then. He'd been away so he hadn't minded me coming to visit my brother.

He held me all night like he always did, just like the night before with no fooling around like he'd promised and it was the best night's sleep I'd had in a long time with no bad dreams about Dad. It was something I discovered that I needed in relationships – the reassurance that the other person cared and that I wasn't just being used.

Neither of us noticed we'd left the curtains to the living room open despite the cold. We burnt a log in the fire-place and sometimes it made the room too hot and stuffy and we liked the clean, fresh smell of pines. We almost always left them open on hot nights and one summer night this would prove to be a huge mistake.

One of biggest of our lives just because we wanted the sweet relief of the night breeze.

Big mistake.

We should have been more careful.