Pehea wau i ʻike ai i kou makuahine
Based on the characters and stories of Hawaii Five-0.
Hawaii Five-0 is owned by CBS and their respective creators.
Journal #7
Mali to Rabat
"What's the worst that could happen?" Infamous last words.
Why the hell had I said that to Jude on our way to Dulles? Let me recap the last twenty or so hours for posterity.
I showed up at my ex-boyfriend's house and interrupted his date. With his girlfriend. Told him that his estranged mother was being held at a CIA blacksite, and then his girlfriend tells me he had been planning on proposing…. To me.
That's not even the worst of it.
THEN, We get on this cargo plane and after being in the air for all of thirty seconds, Steve and I get in a steel-cage match for the next seventeen hours. Oh yeah, and we had sex, mind you, while he's actually dating someone else.
Now Steve knows everything. He knows about the blackmail. He knows about the miscarriage. I don't know where my head's at. Being with him- hell, being near him has me completely wrecked. He's three feet away from me in this charter to Rabat and I can barely look at him.
He asked if after this we would stay in touch. So badly, I wanted to scream YES. But he's seeing someone. As much as I want him on my side, watching my six- I can't blur those lines anymore. Our lives have to be separate. Lynn seems like a nice girl. None of this is her fault. Like I told Steve, she doesn't deserve the shit he and I put each other through. As much as I want to crawl over into his arms, I can't. Lynn isn't the other woman. I am.
As much as I want to crawl over and be with him, Jude doesn't deserve that either.
Fuck. Jude doesn't deserve that? Where the hell did that come from?
I'm so screwed.
Steve glanced over at Catherine from his seat in the private charter jet. She had that little line on her forehead as she was writing in a leatherbound journal. There was a little number seven on the spine. It made him chuckle. She was still his Catherine- that little line only appearing on her forehead when she was totally focused or completely irate. Frankly, after their screaming match on the flight to Mali, it could have been either.
He indulged himself another look. The SEAL hoodie he had brought nearly swallowed her whole. The gold anchor necklace glinted around her neck. He shifted in his seat and shoved his hand into his pocket. He didn't know why he had brought it. Then again, he didn't know why he had packed a few of those damn protein bars that she liked. The ability to pack effectively apparently goes up in smoke when your ex crashes your date and whisks you away for a clandestine operation. Steve cleared his throat to get her attention. When Catherine looked up, he handed her the polaroid, "Tag." He offered a lopsided smile, "You're it."
Catherine's lip quivered, "I thought you'd burn it…" She took the polaroid from him, their fingers brushing, sending sparks flying.
"Burn my good luck charm?" He chuckled, "No." Steve swung his legs into the aisle between their seats to face her. "The day you left… You, uh, you left it on my pillow. Upside down. You were leaving me a breadcrumb, weren't you?"
She nodded, "Yeah. I was hoping you'd pick up on it." Catherine tucked her pen into the page she had been writing on and slid the journal into her bag, "I didn't want you to think I left for no reason. I… I did it for you."
"How, uh, how are you doing with everything?" He asked before shrugging, "I mean, I know you told me a little on the, uh, last flight…" Steve moved into the window seat and patted the vacated space beside him.
Reluctantly, she moved over and sat beside him, "Things are… They're a little quiet right now. Which is nice… We get a little R and R in between assignments so I'm just getting settled into my new place. We have to report to Langley for briefings and stuff, but it's not bad. Kind of like the SEALs, you know?"
"We?"
"The, um, the team I'm on."
"You like your team?"
A tentative smile flickered at the corner of her mouth, "Yeah. I do, actually. Our team lead's been CIA from the get-go. She's great. Sometimes we'll have agents from other teams depending on what the op needs, but for a while it's just been me, a former Marine, a former Green Beret, and my handler."
"The jackass, right?"
"Right." She grinned.
Steve let out a dry chuckle, "If I ever run into him, I'll kick his ass."
"Please do." Catherine looked over and studied the lines on his eyes, "What's on your mind?"
"How'd you know about Doris? How'd you hear about what happened?"
Oh boy. "My, um… partner. He's close with her. They've known each other for a while and worked together for a few years now. Doris sent him a message saying that if she didn't give him the all clear b a certain time to get you involved because apparently you'd know what to do. Makes sense now that you said she'd set it up so you went to the blacksite a while back."
The tic in his jaw flared as Steve stared out at the window, "You, uh, you told me you weren't seeing anyone."
"I'm not."
"Cath, come on. Be straight with me." Steve didn't notice any of her classic tells, but there was something there that he just couldn't quite put his finger on.
Catherine gritted her teeth, "So what if I'm seeing him?"
"You told me you weren't seeing anybody." He reiterated.
She turned and faced him fully. "And what would have happened if you had been home alone when I showed up at your door? Would you really have told me about Lynn?"
Steve let out a sharp breath and shook his head, "Not the same thing."
"It's exactly the same thing!" She exclaimed.
"Catherine, you were pregnant with our baby and didn't tell me!" He leaned forward and rested his head on the seat in front of him, "Damn it. You've had time to process this. I haven't. Why didn't you tell me? I just… I can't wrap my head around it."
"They wanted me to."
"They?"
"Jude… My partner." She let out a shaky breath, "And Doris."
Flames danced in his eyes, "Doris knew?"
"Yes." Catherine stated harshly, "Like I said, she's tight with my partner."
Steve was caged in. The tactile memory of putting his fist through a wall the day she walked out on him burned against his skin. He wanted to get out. Needed to get out. Needed to run. Needed to be anywhere but trapped on another fucking plane with her.
They'd been separated for more than a year, but Catherine could still read him like a book. "Did you ever stop to wonder why you weren't implicated in the Columbia thing with Danny?"
His head snapped over, "How the hell do you know about that?"
"Doris may have left you and Mary, but she didn't stop looking out for you." Catherine held up the polaroid, "That goes for me too." She pushed out of the seat and went to return to hers, but Steve grabbed her arm and yanked her back, "Seriously? You've GOT to stop doing that."
"What did you do?" His eyes narrowed in on hers, "What did you do to keep me out of the Columbia deal?"
Catherine pulled her arm out of his grip, "Oh me? I got unceremoniously kidnapped by your mother and her henchman, aka, my partner, and we went dark. The powers that be were more worried about us going rogue and spilling their secrets than they were about taking you down."
Steve slipped his hand into hers and gently pulled her back down into the seat, "That was real stupid, you know that right?"
"Did you miss the part where I said I was kidnapped? Doris didn't give me much say in the matter."
He tightened his grip on her hand and closed his eyes, "Why do you keep doing this?"
"Doing what?"
Steve turned his head, "Reminding me how much I need you." He scrubbed the stubble on his jaw with his free hand, "God, Cath, I- I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't know how we're supposed to move on from this if we keep getting thrown back together. And now that I know about the…. The baby." He stammered.
"I promised you I'd have your six." Catherine stated, "And you and I don't make promises we can't keep." She sat quietly as the tension hung heavily between them. "I'm gonna try to sleep a little." She muttered.
"Cath, just stay." He pushed the armrest that separated them out of the way. "Come here."
"Steve, I'm not going to-"
"Damn it, woman. Stop being so fucking stubborn and just get over here." He hissed as he pulled her down into his arms. Catherine was stiff as a board as he shifted against the window to let her recline against him.
Once upon a time, she would have loved this. Once upon a time she would have fallen asleep immediately.
Steve wrapped his arms around her and rested his hands on top of her belly, "What was it like?"
"Huh?"
"When you, uh, when you found out you were pregnant."
Catherine closed her eyes and decided to indulge herself. They'd already done the worst they could do. She began to relax and curl into his embrace, "I was scared. I, um… I didn't tell anyone." She sighed, "I was worried that if I had to be pulled out of the field that they'd drop me from the assignment and you'd get extradited. The night of the security breach that you dealt with, the rest of the team had gone to the embassy in Kiev to ride it out or get extracted. That was the night that… it... happened." She tucked her head underneath his chin, "I wanted to call you when I found out. I did. I tried… I just… I didn't have the courage."
Steve's finger trailed around her neck and dragged out the silver chain from beneath the hoodie. "You still wear 'em?"
"Yeah." She admitted as he held the dog tags in his hand. "They helped me get through the bad days. The days when I was really angry. Or sad." She tilted her head back and looked up at him, "Or missing you."
Steve leaned down and buried his nose in her hair, "We've put each other through hell."
"We've been through hell." She countered.
"Tell me something."
"Hm?"
"Was any part of you happy about the pregnancy? I mean, I, uh, I know it wasn't something we'd planned on, but you know… Were you ever… I dunno… Excited?"
Catherine closed her eyes and slowed her breathing to match the steady rhythm of his heart, "Yeah." She admitted. "I, um…. I was scared, but I dunno. I guess I just felt really calm when I found out. I had a part of you with me. I wish you had been there. For all of it. I… I wanted it to be you."
Steve sighed and held her steady against him as the plane began to bump through a patch of turbulence. "Me too."
Before Steve and Catherine were surprised by Grover, Chin, and Kono showing up to lend a hand, they had a snowball's chance in hell of getting out alive. Even with the additional team members, they had a large snowball's chance in hell of getting out alive.
Regardless, some good luck, prayers, and a little C-4 got them all out without being waterboarded or detained indefinitely.
Catherine gave Kono another hug before glancing over to see Steve and Doris talking. His face showed all of the emotions she saw when they first boarded the plane to Morocco: sadness, grief, loss - but there was another emotion hidden in there: peace. Maybe even a little happiness.
Doris walked over and gave Catherine a gentle nudge before glancing between her and Steve. She didn't didn't hesitate to have one last conversation with him.
Steve turned with his hands on his hips, "Hey."
"So, uh, I'm gonna be catching a ride with them." Catherine admitted as she dropped her bag on the pavement. She had to own up to the fact that she was a little sad to not have another seventeen hours for them to scream at each other. "I got a… a new assignment and Doris is gonna drop me off on the way."
"Do me a favor, tell me something…" Steve started.
"What's that?"
He rubbed the corner of his eye, "Are you happy?" He paused. She had told him time after time on the plane that she wanted him to be happy, but he had never asked her if she was. "Doing what you're doing." He clarified.
Catherine felt a bit of trepidation before answering, "Yeah." She confessed. Her lip quivered, but she nodded and responded with resolve, "I am."
"Alright…" Steve shuffled his feet, "Good. That's good."
Catherine twisted her head towards the plane as she heard the jet engines whir. "I should go.." She motioned towards the plane.
"C'mon." He pulled her in for a hug. Somehow he didn't want to let her go, but in another way, he felt that it was time. "Thanks for comin' to get me." He tried to crack a smile, but it faded quickly.
Catherine reached down and grabbed her duffel, "You know… just because I'm not in your life doesn't mean I don't still care about you." She choked back the tears that were fighting their way out.
"I know..." Steve looked at the ground. "I know." He mumbled.
"See ya around, Sailor." She smiled as she turned to walk up the stairs to the plane.
Catherine paused as she stood at the bottom of the steps. They had spent seventeen hours biting each other's heads off about every little thing that had bothered them over the last two decades, but the one thing that she hadn't dared to bring up was eating her away inside. "I know about it.." She revealed.
"What?" Steve was lost as to what she was referring to.
"I know… what you were gonna do before I left." She continued.
The puzzle pieces were fitting together, "Wait a minute…" He thought for a moment, "Did Lynn…"
Catherine smiled, she was a little flustered and didn't want Lynn to take the fall, "It was a, it was an accident. She didn't mean to."
Steve nodded.
"I'm sorry." Catherine didn't know what else there was to say.
Steve shook his head and huffed before smiling, "Just, uh… You know, just out of curiosity..If I'd have asked, what would you have said?"
Catherine thought for a moment, although she really didn't know why the hell she had even hesitated. She knew the answer from the moment she had met Steve McGarrett almost twenty years prior. She exhaled to calm herself before blinking back tears, "I would have said yes."
They stood in silence for a moment as they reflected on what had been and what could've been.
Catherine turned and walked up the steps and into the plane. Steve followed behind and helped her raise the clamshell door.
"Hey.. Lynn…" Catherine swallowed, repeating her words from their trip into the country, "She seems like a nice girl."
Steve tried to hide the grimace on his face and the pit of guilt in his stomach.
"I hope that works out." She forced a smile. "'Cause you deserve to be happy." She looked at him one last time before raising the door and shutting it.
Steve smoothed his palm across the outside of the plane door, wishing for one more minute with her.
As the jet taxied down the runway, Steve turned his back and walked towards his team. He knew Catherine was right. He deserved to be happy. What she had said as their transport into Mali descended came back into his mind:
"And if the answer to the prayers you prayed is "not right now", then I think life will have a way of bringing us back together someday."
"Sweetie…" Doris stretched out her arms as the plane began to taxi. Catherine dropped her bag on the floor of the jet and hugged Doris as tears streamed down her face. "Sweetheart, it's gonna be alright."
Catherine couldn't hold it in any longer. She didn't even care that there was an old man watching. "I told him everything." She sobbed. "He… He would've been such a good dad." She collapsed into the seat beside Doris and buried her face in her hands, "What have I done? I was getting over all this… I was moving on. Now what? I just ripped the scab open again."
"I had a hunch. I saw the way he still looks at you." Doris soothed. "Catherine, it's okay to grieve. It's okay to grieve again and again and again. Because, truth is, grief never ends, but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It's the price of love."
Jude stood with his arms crossed as the door to the jet lowered to the ground. Wispy copper hair blazed in the wind as Doris descended onto the tarmac. "Red." Jude nodded towards Doris. He pulled her into a bear hug, "How 'bout next time you just tell us where you're going and what you're doing so we can save a little time on flying all over the damn place."
Doris grinned, "What's the fun in that?" She glanced over her shoulder and caught a glimpse of Catherine exiting the plane, "Be gentle with her." Doris urged Jude, "She got put through the ringer seeing him again." Turning, she gave Catherine a pat on the arm and said her goodbyes as she joined Yao Fat in the plane for wherever their next destination was.
"Hey." Catherine forced a tired smile.
Jude stepped forward and closed the space between them. Pulling her collapsing frame into his arms, he said, "I've got you, Princess."
Journal #7
Kabul Safe House
Grief is a strange, wicked creature.
I remember my first tour in Kabul. I was wrecked afterwards. I came home a completely different person than when I left. After that one, when I would prepare for a deployment, I'd make myself try to forget the people I was leaving behind- My parents. Amy. Steve. Sometimes that's the only way to make it. To be the warrior you need to be in order to survive.
Seeing Steve again. Kissing Steve again. Being intimate with him again. I realized that absolutely nothing had changed- I had just gone into survival mode. I'd tried my best to forget him. To forget what we had. What I felt when I was around him. Steve lodged himself in my heart a long time ago, and I don't know that there will ever be room for anyone else to take that place.
Sometimes, though, you need a place to fall apart. To lick your wounds and heal. A place where you know your pieces will be safe while you work on putting them back together. Jude is that place for me.
I'm a mess. I feel like I'm back where I was when I first joined the house here. Completely broken. Angry. Devastated. But there's something else. I guess in a weird way, I feel a little bit of peace. A little bit more closure. If this really is it for me and Steve, I can sleep at night knowing that what we had was real. It wasn't a dream. It was a little bit of magic that, for a time, belonged to me.
Steve sat with his feet propped up on his desk as he listened to the infuriating hold music that was blaring over the speaker of his desk phone. "They could fucking interrogate people with this shit." He muttered as he turned the page of Catherine's journal. A quiet chuckle escaped as he realized that Gina had probably chosen the hold music for that very reason.
His eyes darted across the page as he read her account of their trip to Morocco. In the twenty years he and Catherine had known each other, they had never screamed at each other as much as they had on the flight out of Hickam. A flicker of jealousy burned inside him as he read Jude's name… again. Steve had no reason to be jealous, really. After all, he got the girl. Still, Catherine had been cagey about the nature of her and Jude's relationship and it made him wonder.
In a perfect world, none of this would have ever happened. She wouldn't have needed Jude to pick up the pieces because she and Steve would have gotten engaged the first time. Would have had the baby, or at least been there for each other when things went sideways.
Steve hated the idea of being indebted to someone. Maybe that's why he had been on hold with Gina Haspel's office for twenty minutes.
"Steve McGarrett." Gina laughed as she picked up the call, "Haven't heard from you in a while."
He violently snatched the receiver out of the cradle and pressed it against his ear. "Gina. We need to talk about one of your agents."
AUTHOR'S NOTE
Writer's block, a transitional chapter, and election night results are the perfect storm for a struggle write. I really don't have much to say down here because my brain is exhausted.
Love, peace, and chicken grease, y'all.
XO,
-Mags-
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