Warning: The following chapter contains T-rated graphic content that surpasses the K+ rating of this story.
Mutants Are From Venus
"Ugh, I don't know how much more of this inane, chaotic insanity I can take," Mastermind gasped holding his head. "All I want right now is some aspirin, a mattress and a full, uninterrupted month to sleep."
"Dream on, Bonzo," Sabertooth gagged while attempting to clear his sinuses. "Like there'd ever be a month-long break between these stupid jumps."
"Sorry, Masty. Doesn't look like you'll get any of those things around this place," Pyro said.
"And what a place this is," Remy whistled at their surroundings. The Acolytes had appeared near the coast of a sparkling blue-green ocean. A range of volcanic-looking mountains could be seen in the distance while the landscape was covered with a startling variety of lush, exotic flora. "Where the heck did we end up? Another rainforest?"
"I do not think so," Piotr studied a towering lily-like plant. "Even rainforests do not have flowers the size of telephone poles."
"Or purple sunflowers with leaves shaped like deformed chainsaw blades," Pyro added. "They're kinda pretty."
"The smell isn't bad either," Sabertooth gasped talking a few experimental sniffs. "It's a heck of a lot better than the stuff I ran into in Java." He stuck his nose near a large, low-hanging tulip-shaped bulb bigger than his entire head. "Kind of a mixed bouquet of a warm foot rub and a cool beer all rolled into one…"
"AH-AH-AH-ACHOOOOOO!"
"Huh?" Mastermind gaped as Sabertooth was suddenly propelled head over heels backward. "Did that plant just sneeze?"
"I think it did," Piotr blinked in shock.
"Huh, that's different. A flower being allergic to Sabes," Pyro commented. "Whenever he usually breathes on a plant the poor thing just wilts and droops down on the spot."
"Pffft!" The plant with overgrown tulip-shaped bulbs abruptly shook itself off, rose out of the ground and proceed to roll away after forming its exposed network of roots into a set of mesh wheels.
"O-kay," Mastermind's eyes were as wide as saucers. "I did not just see that."
"I didn't see it either," Pyro blinked. "But if I didn't see what I thought I saw, what did I see?"
"Gahhh! What the heck was that?" Sabertooth spat wiping his face. "Yuck, I got some kind of sticky goo all over me!"
"I am not sure," Piotr stared after the departed plant in shock. "And you would not believe me if I told you."
"Masty," Remy said slowly. "What's the reading on the machine?"
"Huh? Uh, just a second," Mastermind tore his gaze away from Sabertooth's sprawled form and stared at the related screen just as it finished clearing up:
October 31, 1,893,347,136 B.C.
Jaszai Patera, Venus
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Mastermind howled at the machine. "It's bad enough being tossed into all the stupid, random, crazy time periods on Earth! Now we have to deal with being in a stupid, random, crazy time period on Venus!"
"WHAT?!" Remy, Piotr and Sabertooth yelled.
"Venus? Really? Yay!" Pyro whooped and danced around in delight. "This is great! I always wanted to come here!"
"I bet Magneto and your parents have always wanted the same thing," Sabertooth grunted.
"Wow," Piotr was stunned. "That explains the bizarre plant life."
"Who cares about that?" Remy looked around in disappointment. "Where are all the hot Venusian femmes who'd like to make intimate first contact with a fine, healthy example of male mutantcy?"
"No doubt devastated at having such a ludicrous fantasy shattered at the realization of having to settle for you," Mastermind snapped.
"Hello!"
"Huh?" The Acolytes spun around and saw a large, branching tubular plant open up revealing one particularly elegant tube filled with a milky, pleasant-smelling liquid. Lying half-submerged in the tube like it was a single-person hot tub soaked a human-looking figure with long red hair, gold-tinted skin and a noticeable female form.
"Whoa!" Mastermind's pupils dilated noticeably. "I take it back. Maybe Gambit was right after all."
"Hey there, shelia!" Pyro chirped. "Fancy meeting you here!"
"Oh my!" Piotr blushed and quickly covered his eyes. "Um, um, sorry!"
"Relax, Piotr. You can look," Remy assured him. "She's obviously not human."
"No kidding," Sabertooth grunted.
"Really? Are you sure?" Piotr carefully peeked through his fingers and saw the figure, though apparently female, was minus several anatomical attributes most humans considered to be a public visual taboo. "Oh my. She looks like one of my sister's old undressed dolls."
"That or she's wearing a really thin, skin-tight, one-piece body suit," Remy grinned.
"Well, this is different," The female figure casually smiled at the Acolytes. Her appearance was analogous to that of a middle-aged human woman. "I have never seen any muses show up who looked like you before."
"Muses?" Mastermind frowned in confusion.
"Uh, what is she talking about?" Piotr asked.
"I have no idea," Remy shrugged.
"Huh, that is weird," The woman cocked her head to the side. "I can not understand you. My muses have always spoken in a recognizable language before. Gee, now I know how everyone feels when they try talking to me."
"Boy, this shelia seems a few logs short of a bonfire," Pyro commented.
"Look who's talking," Sabertooth grunted.
"Here madame," Remy stepped up and slipped a spare translator into the woman's ear. "This should help you out."
"Oh wow," The woman blinked in surprise. "This thing works great. And it feels so solid. You lot are the best muses I have ever had!"
"Uh, you are welcome," Piotr ventured. "I think."
"I don't know what's more disturbing," Mastermind moaned holding his head. "The fact that we are casually communicating with a real live resident of Venus or that I'm not nearly as shocked at witnessing such a ridiculous, improbable event as I should be."
"Looks like your sanity level has finally caught up with the rest of ours, Masty," Remy smirked. "Might as well sit back and enjoy the ride."
"Sure. Why not? My mind is clearly gone. What else do I have to lose?" Mastermind groaned and addressed the woman. "So, what's your name, signora?"
"Don't you know, silly? It is…" The woman then said something untranslatable.
"Uh, what did she say?" Pyro frowned whacking his ear. "My translator must be malfunctioning or something."
"It's not the translator that's malfunctioning," Sabertooth snorted.
"There is no way I could even try to say that name," Piotr blinked. "She used sounds the human tongue simply can not reproduce."
"They can if you do it right," Remy wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"The closest I could come to that is 'Dionaea'," Mastermind whispered. "Maybe she will accept it as a mangled nickname or something."
"Fine, Dionaea it is," Remy smiled turning on the charm. "So, Dionaea. What's all this muses business?"
"You are so silly," The woman christened as Dionaea giggled. "You are my muses along with all the other ones. Different muses are always popping up and disappearing all the time."
"O-kay," Mastermind thought for a moment. "That explains nothing."
"Just like the Firebug," Sabertooth growled. "He never makes sense."
"I love my muses," Dionaea went on. "They give me so many ideas! You see, I am a writer."
"Really?" Pyro grinned. "So am I!"
"Oh no," Sabertooth groaned. "Not another one!"
"You lot showed up just in time," Dionaea smiled happily. "Fans and admirers from all over will be arriving soon for the reveal of my latest work. I always try to tell others about my muses, but they can never see them even when my muses are standing right in front of them."
"Oh great, her other muses must all be hallucinations," Mastermind groaned. "She's insane."
"Well, duh," Remy gave him a look. "She's a writer."
"But since this little translating device is solid, you all must be solid so everyone should be able to see you!" Dionaea beamed. "I will be vindicated at last!"
"Uh, we will have to see about that," Piotr coughed nervously. "Why don't you tell us more about your work?"
"Good idea! That way you muses will be all caught up and able to lay some new inspiration on me," Dionaea grinned holding up a brightly bound tome the size of a typical hardcover book. "I just finished my latest work and am looking for more ideas for the next one."
"You wrote a story?" Remy asked.
"Well, technically it is a story in a series of stories of mine," Dionaea explained. "Which are all unofficial outtakes of a series of stories that are a branch off of another series of stories that belong to an officially licensed author."
"Oh no," Mastermind moaned. "She's not just a writer. She's a fan fiction writer!"
"Really? Yay!" Pyro cheered. "Way to go, shelia!"
"My stories are actually far more numerous and detailed than the sub-series they are based on," Dionaea stated modestly. "They focus and extrapolate on a group of secondary characters that the sub-series barely mentions or otherwise ignores."
"That sounds terrible," Piotr commented. "What a horrible way to be treated."
"It's a fiction story, Russian," Sabertooth grunted. "None of the characters are real."
"They're as real as the readers make them to be, Sabes," Pyro said philosophically. "After all, how are fictional literary characters different from any of us?"
"A lot of people seem to like my stories much more than the original ones," Dionaea went on. "In fact, they are so popular they have their own character and plotline enthusiasts with fans and readers spread all over the planet."
"Hmmm, not bad, madame," Remy admitted. "That's one way to reach and entertain the masses."
"There has been a lot of anticipation over the release of this story," Dionaea proudly displayed her manuscript. "It has been difficult keeping the contents secret, but it will definitely be worth the wait!"
"You don't say," Mastermind grumbled glancing down at the machine. "I can't wait until this stupid thing manages to finally send us back home!"
"I know how ya feel, shelia. I get nervous too whenever one of my novels is about to be released," Pyro said. "Hey, wanna swap autographs?"
"Sure. That is a splendid idea," Dionaea smiled picking a pen-like thorn from the side of the large plant she rested in. "I have never received an autograph from one of my muses before."
"Gee, I wonder why…ahhh!" Mastermind yelped as Dionaea casually stabbed her herself with the thorn.
"Stop! You are hurting yourself!" Piotr yelled in horror.
"What are you talking about?" Dionaea asked peeling off a strip of plant stalk that had the same consistency of dried calfskin. "Haven't you ever seen someone sign their autograph before?"
"Not like this," Mastermind blanched as Dionaea withdrew the embedded thorn while making sure it was well coated with a gold, blood-like liquid. She then swiftly wrote on the strip of thin plant matter in a curved, elegant script before proudly handing it to Pyro.
"Oooh, thanks shelia!" Pyro gazed happily at the strange letters which had quickly turned a dark green upon being written. "This'll make a perfect souvenir!"
"Wow, talk about leaving a personal touch," Remy blinked as the wound Dionaea had made with the thorn slowly healed itself. "Uh, do you always jot things down using that technique?"
"Of course," Dionaea said matter-of-factly. "How else would people know a given work was a true original if it was not written in the life fluids of the author?"
"Oh boy," Mastermind groaned. "That's one way to enforce literary copyrights."
"Well, I have shown you mine," Dionaea looked at Pyro expectantly. "Aren't you going to show me yours?"
"Do not even think about it," Piotr blushed while looking at Remy warningly.
"Aw, you're no fun," Remy smirked fingering his trench coat.
"You bet!" Pyro chirped borrowing a pencil and piece of paper from Piotr.
"Wait, you forgot to dip the stylus in your life fluids," Dionaea pointed out.
"Oh, uh…" Pyro hesitated for a moment. "Sorry shelia. I can't spare any of my life fluids at the moment. Hmmm, what can I do? Oh, I know!" Pyro suddenly stabbed the pencil through Sabertooth's exposed wrist and quickly yanked it out.
"Gahhhhhh!" A surprised Sabertooth roared. He furiously backhanded Pyro aside as bright red blood gushed from his punctured radial artery. "You crazy Firebug! I'm gonna rip your hands off for that!"
"Interesting," Dionaea leaned forward as several generous blood splatters landed in the milky liquid she was soaking in. "I have never seen any life fluids that color before…AAACCCHHHHHH!"
"Huh?" Remy blinked as the Dionaea began to suddenly scream and convulse wildly. "What the?"
"GAAAUUUGGGKKKKKK!" Dionaea shrieked as her once gold-tinted form rapidly turned orange. She seemed to stiffen for a moment before going limp as her entire body quickly dissolved into a shapeless orange-colored goo.
"Oh my gosh!" Piotr paled staring at Dionaea's liquified remains in horror.
"Glulp!" Mastermind turned and threw up.
"Ahhh! Shelia! No!" Pyro cried getting to his feet. "You can't go yet! You haven't even seen my autograph!"
"What the heck just happened?" Mastermind shakily wiped his mouth. "Was that a natural process?"
"I doubt it," Remy carefully inspected the now orange-stained contents of the plant's tube. "Her whole form just melted away right after being splashed with Sabertooth's blood. His blood must've acted like some kind of acid or been poisonous to her like cyanide or curare, only a lot more extensive."
"No kidding," Piotr looked ill.
"Ahhh! You murderer!" Pyro wailed pointing at Sabertooth. "You killed the shelia!"
"Eh, big deal," Sabertooth grunted. "It's not like it's the first sentient alien lifeform we've ever knocked off by accident. The fact she was a fan fiction writer was a bonus. Though I got a funny feeling I missed the wrong author…"
"Way to go, Sabes," Remy shot him a dark look. "Guess your healing factor doesn't end up helping everyone it's exposed to."
"Sabes' healing factor itself might have caused that," Pyro pointed as the rest of the tube-like plant began to wilt noticeably. "Maybe it saw that shelia's own body as a threat or foreign infection and eliminated it in an effort to turn her form into one more like Sabes'."
"In that case, maybe she lucked out," Mastermind muttered morbidly. "I know I'd rather die than end up being like Sabertooth."
"That can be arranged!" Sabertooth growled flashing his claws just as all the surrounding plant life began to shake and sway ominously. "Oh great. Now what?"
"Uh oh," Piotr gulped. "I think Dionaea's expected crowd of literary fans are about to arrive."
"Boy are they gonna be disappointed," Remy shook his head.
"So will we if they catch us standing red-handed with what remains of the body," Mastermind realized. "Quick, hide!"
"Too late," Pyro said as the forest of flora seemed to burst apart. "Here they come!"
"Ah, finally!" Dozens of exotic, overgrown bulbs, gourds and blossoms opened to reveal hundreds of bare figures who shared a general resemblance with the late Dionaea's initial appearance. "The transition times through the east tubes certainly were slow. I told you we should have taken the western root system instead!"
"Never mind that! Let's get a good listening spot before they are all taken!" Other plants leaned over revealing more native Venusians soaking in various tubes and cavities filled with milky liquid. "I can not wait to hear the great Lady of Literature read her latest masterpiece aloud!"
"Say, where is she?" The crowd of literary lovers looked around expectantly. "She should be right here."
"Whew, that was close," Remy whispered to Mastermind as the Acolytes stood unnoticed nearby. "Nice job hiding us in an illusion just in time."
"We won't remain hidden if you keep running your mouth of like that," Mastermind hissed with his eyes glowing in concentration. "I've never created an illusion for a bunch of alien minds before."
"Oh no! Look!" One of the closest Venusians pointed at Dionaea's vacant tube plant. "Something terrible has happened! Looks like our beloved author has been killed!"
"No!" The crowd gasped in shock.
"And even worse, the manuscript comprising her latest work is gone too!" Another Venusian yelled.
"NO!" The crowd wailed in horror.
"Sheesh, it never fails," Pyro shook his head disappointedly. "People care more about the status of a story than they do about the author."
"Duh," Sabertooth snorted. "Stories actually have value."
"Where is the manuscript?" Piotr wondered looking around. "I saw it sitting on the edge of the tube while Remy was inspecting Dionaea's remains…" He trailed off in realization. "Oh no. Do not tell me…"
"Okay, I won't," Remy grinned holding up the missing manuscript. "C'mon, Piotr. The femme was dead anyway. And Pyro already got a souvenir. I just decided to nab one too. Besides, what harm could it do?"
"You did this!" One group of Venusians pointed at a section of the crowd accusingly. "You eliminated the author in hopes of preventing her from releasing a storyline that contradicted your preferred ending!"
"Look who is talking?" The leader of the accused Venusians shot back. "You and your lot have secretly hoped she would die before finishing her work so you could take over and write the rest of the series yourselves!"
"Both of you traitors are to blame!" A third group of literary lovers declared. "You could not stand that the author was about to finalize our favored romantic couplings and destroyed her and the manuscript in jealously!"
"WHAT?! AAAGGGHHHHHH!" The mob of Venusians howled breaking into a dozen different fights and factions as they attempted to establish the supremacy of their preferred character arcs, plots and views over each other. "YOUR PATHETIC ROMANTIC FANTASIES WILL NEVER BECOME CANON! THE AUTHOR WOULD WANT US TO CONTINUE HER LITERARY LEGACY! GIVE US THE MANUSCRIPT! ONE OF YOU FANATIC LUNATICS MUST HAVE IT! DIE!"
"Does that answer your question?" Piotr gave Remy a look.
"O-kay," Remy blinked as the mob of enraged Venusians began to violently tear into each other. "Man, these people take their fandoms way too seriously."
"Huh, talk about shipping wars," Pyro quipped at the scene. "And I thought arguments could get ugly online."
"Great, we're in the middle of a brawl between members of an apparently plant-based society who are attempting to kill each other over a dead fan fiction writer's missing work," Mastermind moaned while struggling to maintain his concentration. "And I thought Mars was nuts!"
RUMMMMMMBBBLE!
"Oh geeze, what now?" Mastermind groaned pressing his hands against his temples. "Do I even want to know?"
"Please tell me that was your stomach," Remy glanced at Sabertooth.
"Not this time, Cajun," Sabertooth pointed at the distant, smoking series of volcanos as the ground began to shake violently.
"DIE YOU DISGUSTING ROMANTIC COUPLING SUPPORTERS!" The mob of fanatic Venusians howled at each other in exact synchronization with several volcanic eruptions. "YOUR UNREALISTIC PLOT TWISTS WILL BE WIPED OFF THE VERY FACE OF THE PLANET!"
"NOT IF WE WIPE YOU OUT FIRST!" More volcanos spewed and emitted lava in time with other Venusians' cries. "YOU WILL ACHIEVE FINAL LITERARY MASTERY OVER OUR DEAD BODIES!"
"IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES!" Fissures and vents began to break out over the entire alien landscape.
"Uh oh, this is not good," Piot gulped. "It appears the natives are somehow able to influence the activity of this planet's volcanoes."
"No, ya think?" Sabertooth snapped.
"Maybe it's just a coincidence," Mastermind babbled nervously while struggling to keep his balance and illusion. "Even mutants aren't able to control geological forces on this scale."
FA-WHOOOOOOOOOMMM!
"On second thought," Mastermind blanched at the aroused volcanic chain proceeded to shoot tons of burning tephra and sulfuric-laden clouds into the atmosphere.
"Okay, time to go," Remy gulped. "Let's get outta here!"
"Aw, do we have to?" Pyro whined. "Things are really getting interesting!"
"Yeah, in a full on down-the-rabbit-hole, dunked in a vat of happy juice, what-are you-on-and-where-can-I-get-some, absolutely psycho kind of way!" Mastermind shouted as he attempted to activate the machine. "At the rate these lunatics are going at it they are going to make the entire planet completely uninhabitable!"
"That should dramatically increase the value of all the souvenirs we picked up," Remy smirked patting his pocket where he had stashed the purloined novel. "This is one manuscript I'm never putting down!"
One time jump later…
"You lost the manuscript?!" Remy yelled incredulously.
"I am sorry," Piotr shuffled his feet looking very apologetic. "I just set it down for a second."
"I trusted you! You promised you'd be careful unfolding the foldouts and studying all the pictures!" Remy shouted in frustration. "How could you just carelessly set it aside like that?"
"So he could stop Pyro from playing with the huge roasting spit in the kitchen and burning us all to a crisp," Mastermind said standing outside the large, medieval Italian villa the Acolytes had appeared in.
"Not that it did any good," Sabertooth growled at the giant blaze consuming the fancy country house.
"WHEEEEEE!" Pyro happily skipped about the raging fires while cackling maniacally. "IT'S BARBY TIME AGAIN, MATES! BRAISED BOAR SNOUTS FOR EVERYONE!"
"MY VILLA!" A disheveled, wealthy-looking noble shrieked as his servants dragged him away from the inferno. "NOOOOOOOOO!"
"Well, looks like Pyro has succeeded in lowering Italian property values again," Mastermind groaned hold his head. "Let's go before we end up getting into another fight with a town guard."
"No! Not without the manuscript!" Remy prepared to reenter the burning villa. "Come on! We have to find it!"
"Are you crazy?" Piotr blocked him in his armored form. "You could be killed!"
"What's your point?" Sabertooth quipped.
"Come on, Gambit. It's not worth risking your life to save a book by some lousy fan fiction writer written in a language no one can even read," Mastermind grumbled. "It's probably nothing but ashes by now anyway."
"I suppose you're right," Remy sighed. "I just hate the thought of losing a priceless, one-of-a-kind souvenir like that."
"I know how you feel. The pictures and sketches in the book really were unique," Piotr patted his shoulder. "Maybe it will survive somehow and we will come across it again sometime during the next few hundred years."
"Yeah right. Like that could ever happen," Remy snorted as the Acolytes went to collect Pyro.
Meanwhile, on the opposite side of the burning villa…
"Bleah! What a nightmare!" A scholarly-looking figure staggered away from the blaze with arms loaded down with books. "Thank goodness I was able to save so many irreplaceable scrolls and codices from destruction."
"Hmmm, which one is this?" The figure held up a strange, brightly bound tome. "I do not recall ever seeing this particular manuscript before. I wonder where it came from?"
"Such unusual pictures and writing in it too," The figure briefly flipped through the manuscript. "Well, I can study it in more detail later. Though I may have to make a few minor additions and alterations to it…"
Historical notes: The Voynich Manuscript is a hand-written, illustrated codex utilizing an unknown writing system consisting of 240 pages with several additional pages having apparently been removed. The text is accompanied by numerous drawings, charts, diagrams and foldouts, none of which have ever been positively identified or deciphered. While various theories and attempts to trace the history of the codex have been suggested and conducted over the years, the exact origin, author and purpose of the Voynich Manuscript have never "officially" been determined.
Venus currently consists of a dry volcanic landscape, poisonous atmosphere over ninety times denser than Earth's and an average surface temperature of over 800 degrees Fahrenheit (426 degrees Celsius). However, it has been hypothesized Venus may have once contained shallow liquid water oceans and Earth-like climates which it may have retained for nearly 3 billion years. While various searches and attempts have been conducted over the years, no definitive proof of life existing or having existed on Venus has ever "officially" been determined.
