Numb. That's what Tonks felt. Numb. She thought that was what she had been feeling all year but no, she had never felt this sort of emptiness before. It would be terrifying if she just wasn't so tired. Tired of everything. She exhaled quietly, suddenly feeling very achy. Bruises that she hadn't realised she had were starting to throb and she was pretty sure she had some cuts from the stinging she could feel. But she just couldn't bring herself to care at all. Not when Dumbledore was dead. Not with Bill lying in front of them, mauled. Everything else seemed so small and pointless. Certainly not worth worrying about.
Then Molly and Arthur were striding up the ward, Fleur just behind them, her beautiful face terrified.
And suddenly Tonks felt her heart lurch and she felt something again. Pain. Shock. Sympathy. Regret. They all warned in her at it was all just too much. She saw McGonagall jumping up and hurrying to greet them but she couldn't hear what she said. Blood was rushing in her ears.
However, she was of sound enough mind to get up hastily with Remus so all the Weasleys and nearly-Weasleys could get nearer to the bed. Somehow, they ended up even closer together despite neither of them wanting to even look at each other. But that didn't matter right now.
Again, they turned to Remus for answers on Bill. Which was unfair. How was he supposed to know everything to do with werewolves just because he was one? They didn't know everything about humans despite being one! And Remus was being too nice. He was always too nice. He should just tell them to go away.
Like Fleur basically did with Molly. She put her in her place. Made her aware of just how much she loved, she loved Bill.
Normally, Tonks would be amused by how shocked Molly was at Fleurs outburst but it just made her feel kind of sad. Did Molly really think Fleur was that shallow? Did she know the woman at all?
Both women were crying and hugging each other and suddenly Tonks just couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't! All her anger and frustration and pain and Merlin knows what else burst out of her.
You see!" she said in a strained voice, glaring at Remus. "She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"
"It's different," said Remus, barely moving his lips and looking suddenly tense. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely-"
She almost growled in frustration. Why was he such an idiot? He was supposed to be the smart one!
"But I don't care either, I don't care!" said Tonks, seizing the front of Lupin's robes and shaking them. "I've told you a million times..."
Why wouldn't it get into his thick skull? Why wouldn't he listen? It felt good to give him a good shake. This is what she had wanted to do all year.
"And I've told you a million times," said Remus, refusing to meet her eyes, staring at the floor, "that I am too old for you, too poor... too dangerous..."
None of which freaking mattered! None of it had ever mattered!
"I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus," said Molly over Fleur's shoulder as she patted her on the back.
"I am not being ridiculous," said Remus steadily. "Tonks deserves somebody young and whole."
She really did growl this time. That line annoyed her every time. Who was he to dictate who she should like? Love?
"But she wants you," said Arthur, with a small smile. "And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so."
He gestured sadly at his son, lying between them.
"This is... not the moment to discuss it," said Lupin, avoiding everybody's eyes as he looked around distractedly. "Dumbledore is dead. ..."
"Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world," said Professor McGonagall curtly, just as the hospital doors opened again and Hagrid walked in.
He said something about Dumbledore's body, which made them all flinch - none of them wanting to think of it.
Harry was led away by McGonagall, leaving them all standing around more than slightly awkwardly. Fleur was still in Molly's arms, the teens looking everywhere but at any of the adults.
Tonks was still breathing heavily and completely uncaring of what was going on around her. All that mattered was him. He had always been the only thing that had mattered. Why couldn't he see that?
"Let's take this outside," he muttered, looking at her but not really.
"No."
Tonks was amazed at the steadiness of her own voice but she had never been so sure of anything in her life before. She was not going to give him a chance to run. Not this time. They had all lost enough. Too much.
"Nymphadora, please."
"You can say to her what we all already know, Remus John Lupin," Molly's scolding tone suddenly cut in. "Right here in front of all of us. It's not exactly new facts."
Tonks jumped. She had forgotten they technically had an audience.
"Excuse me?" Remus asked, bewildered.
Cracking a small smile, Tonks looked away briefly to hide it. He really was clueless. That used to endear him to her but she refused to let herself feel like that now. No way. Not when she was annoyed with him.
Molly made an impatient noise. The kind she usually reserves for her children and certain recaltriant Order members. Like Mad-Eye.
"Don't be obtuse, Remus. Everyone in this room knows how much you and Tonks love each other."
Tonks made a spluttering noise as Ron muttered a "I didn't know". Did she really have to say it that bluntly? Apparently, Remus thought so too as he had that deer in the headlights look on his face.
"Well, I mean- it's like... You don't-" he babbled nonsensically.
Suddenly, Fred and George burst in, returning from wherever they had been. Tonks noted that their eyes were red-rimmed, they had probably been trying to process what happened away from their parents.
"How is he?" one asked
"Has there been any more news?" The other added.
Tonks really didn't have it in her to check who was who. It didn't really matter right this second anyway.
Then she realised that Remus was trying to get her attention. She raised an eyebrow at him and he pointed towards her, then him and finally at the door. Looking back at the thoroughly distracted Weasley family, she nodded. Carefully, the two of them got up and made their escape. Tonks didn't think she could take much more emotional outbursts today.
"Mum, were you hugging Fleur?" she heard one of the twins asked just before the door shut behind them.
"Walk with me?" Remus asked, gesturing at the corridor.
Nodding silently, Tonks followed him down - thankful to get away from the Hospital Wing. She hadn't realised how stifled she had felt in there until she'd left.
They trudged along the corridor, neither speaking. The closer they got the Careful Entrance Hall the more debris and scorch marks were on the floor. There were more students milling about as well. With a start, Tonks realised that this was the start of a new day. Weird. It didn't feel like any time had passed yet it also felt like days had passed.
Eventually, she got fed up with the silence. Turning around, she folded her arms and stared at him.
"What are we doing, Remus?"
"Trying to find a way to put things right," he admitted quietly.
"Put what right?"
She didn't want there to be any misconceptions this time. She couldn't afford it. Not again.
He gestured between them. "Us."
"There's an us?"
He gulped but met her eyes. "If you want there to be."
Relief flooded through her and Tonks let go of the breath she hadn't realised she had been holding.
"I think I made that pretty obvious back there," she said thickly, trying not to cry.
Remus chuckled. His voice also sounding a bit wet. They lapsed into silence again, both of them not really knowing what to say.
"I want this to work this time, Remus."
Amber eyes met hers. "As do I."
She wanted to ask why he hadn't before. What changed? Was this going to be real? But it wasn't really the time for questions, was it? Not tonight. It was something that they had to talk about, clear the air, but not tonight. It would keep for a few days.
They kept walking in silence but it wasn't uncomfortable anymore. Not exactly easy either but not uncomfortable. It was a start.
"I never stopped lov- caring about you, Nymphadora," he said emphatically, breaking the silence.
She squeezed his hand. "Me neither."
He let out a relieved sigh. "Good."
Did he really think that she had stopped? After that outburst of hers in the Hospital Wing? Really?
"You really are an idiot, you know that?" Tonks said in exasperation but this time there was a smile on her face.
She couldn't help it; she was actually happy! Remus still cared and he didn't want to pretend anymore!
"Maybe you can help me be smarter," he said with that gentle smile of his that she had really, really missed.
Hooking her arm in his, Tonks smiled right back.
"I'd like that."
