Chapter 65 – Pleas of the Desolate

Bella

Sounds around me were becoming louder and echoing, as I struggled to open my eyes, feeling disoriented and hot under the blankets with which I had been covered. Edward was sitting in a chair next to the bed I was in, his head leaned back against the window, sleeping soundly. He looked so tired I didn't have the heart to wake him. I was trying to remember exactly how I had gotten here. The last thing I remembered was…oh no.

The memories of the traumatic events I had witnessed before I had passed out came flooding back to me, causing me to start shaking all over again. I tried to control the sobs, but Edward must have been sleeping lighter than I had thought, because he was up in the bed, pulling me into his chest before I even saw him move.

"Shhh, Bella, it's okay, it's okay…" he whispered to me, as he rocked me in his arms.

"Edward, it was because of me!" I sobbed. I couldn't stop shaking, grief and fear racking my body, as I babbled about Laurant and Dr. Stanley. I was wracked with grief for all the people who had died because of me, and I feared that I would be next. "I'm so sorry…"

Edward continued to hold and rock me. "Bella, no," he said softly, "It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."

In my heart, I wanted to believe him, but I knew if it weren't for my existence, none of this would have happened. I wasn't sure what I had done to trigger these horrible events, but I feared I had somehow figured in the deaths of so many innocent people. I felt like I should have been dead already, too, so no one else would die because of me. I was so far gone in my head that I didn't even realize I had uttered these thoughts out loud.

"Stop it, Bella!" Edward snapped at me, shaking me slightly. "You had no control over any of this. Don't even think about dying! Please, don't, I couldn't bear it!"

Edward wrapped me up in his arms and was sobbing into my neck, his entire body racked with the force of his emotions and exhaustion. Seeing him this way shook me to my core, and it made me realize what I was doing. I was letting my guilt and fear affect my husband. He was convinced that I truly hadn't done anything wrong, that I lived to make life better for others, not take it. I realized wishing my own life away would take yet another life with it…Edward's. We were two parts of one whole, and if one of us were to die, the other one would be so devastated we most likely would not survive it.

I told myself there was nothing I could have done to stop Laurant, or whoever had killed Dr. Stanley. There was nothing I could have done to stop them from making the choices they had. But still, the lights of eighteen lives were now extinguished, and my heart broke with the senselessness of it all. I cried with Edward, holding him to me.

"I'm sorry, I'll come back later," a voice said behind us. I released Edward, and we both looked to find a very apologetic hospital chaplain standing in the doorway. "If this is a bad time, I can come back."

Edward sat up and pulled me into his lap, as he motioned for the priest to come in. It had been so good to see Alec again at the wedding, or Father Lebuteur, as he now was called. He had looked so happy at our wedding, glad to be helping Edward, who he said had provided him with hours of pleasant, soothing music up in the Sanctuary. Father Lebuteur looked tired and drawn now, no doubt from all his ministrations to the crash victims and their families. His eyes lacked the spark they'd had at our wedding, and I could only imagine how seeing so many dead and injured children had drained the light from them. When he looked at me, my heart broke at the desolation I saw there. I knew how he felt. I was miserable, too, and I had only had to deal with the living. He had spent hours giving last rites and making burial arrangements with the families, all because of a senseless, selfish act.

"We're happy to see you, Father, but sad that it's under such tragic circumstances," Edward said to him, motioning for him to sit. "Thank you for coming to check on Bella."

The priest attempted to smile at me, but he looked pained. "You know I wouldn't neglect my friends, even at times like these. Bella, I know you knew the jumper, as did I, from our childhoods. Poor Laurant, he was always terribly misguided. This whole business is just tragic. I'm sure redemption and justice will be had at some point, so calm yourself for now, dear girl."

I couldn't help the tears that started escaping my eyes. "I'm trying, Father, but I think he was following me, and he maybe was obsessed with me or something. I just don't know. If he jumped because I got married, then maybe it was because of me…"

"Bella, dear, I know how people like you are. You'll keep internalizing this until it makes you ill. Please, let me help you through this. Come up to my office. I also provide grief counseling, and I'm sure we can work through these feelings of guilt you're battling. Edward, would you be opposed to Bella meeting with me?"

Edward looked into my eyes and then asked, "Do you need us both to come?"

"I think it'd be best to start with just Bella. First sessions are usually best one-on-one, so there's no fear of saying anything that might be difficult in front of each other, similar to confession, if you will."

Father Lebuteur got up, shaking Edward's hand. "I look forward to our session, Bella. I'm sure I'll be able to help you see your true role in all this."

I was sobbing again, and Edward wrapped his arms around me, rocking me while I wept. Father Lebuteur clapped his hand on Edward's shoulder as he left.

We finally headed home after two exceedingly long days, where my mom and dad met us at the door with hugs and kisses, as we rushed into the house. It was still bitterly cold, and Edward had given me his coat, so we were freezing by the time we made it inside. Mom ushered us into the living room, where I snuggled up with Edward under a blanket, while she went to make hot chocolate and get some of the leftover wedding cake. Dad had been watching one of the local news broadcasts when a story about the accident came on.

"…Funeral services are pending following further investigation into the death of Laurant Dubois, the man allegedly responsible for the accident in the early hours of Sunday morning that claimed the lives of sixteen children…"

I closed my eyes and buried my face in Edward's chest. As he held me to him tightly, the reporter continued to explain about what had happened during the accident in graphic detail.

"…Sources say Dubois committed suicide by jumping off an overpass into the path of an oncoming school bus due to emotional distress over an unrequited love interest. Irina Dubois, the sister of the deceased, had this to say…"

I listened painfully, as Irina Dubois described Laurant's obsession with someone whose new relationship had sent him into a spiral of unfathomable depression. She looked so sad, describing how broken up her family and his fiancée were over the tragedy and the loss of so many other lives.

"…None of us had any idea. For all we knew, he was happy…"

I had stopped listening. It was all too much, and all I wanted to do was go to bed. Edward stood and picked me up, carrying me upstairs to our bedroom. I was so drained, I barely remembered him laying me down on the bed before I was out.

My night was filled with images of children's mangled faces, and the sounds of screaming and crying. It made for a very restless and uncomfortable sleep.