Chapter 65 – How Could You! Prime P.O.V

Prime P.O.V

/So beautiful, so graceful, so wonderful/. I could not stop the train of distracting thoughts from running through my processor as I watched Phoenix wing her way through the sky and come to land a short distance away from where I had been standing with Ironhide and Jazz at the firing range.

For two years I had tried to step back and give her space to grieve and adapt to her new life and form. For two interminable years, I had kept physical contact with her to a bare minimum, only allowing myself to watch and admire her from a distance. It tore my spark in two and ate at my self-restraint, but I had to do it – for her, for us.

However, since that fateful afternoon earlier in the year when Phoenix had nearly done serious injury to Ironhide and Jazz when she almost let her powers consume her, I had found an opportunity to reconnect with her. The moment my servo touched her cheek and she leant into my touch, a fire was sent racing through me and all but crumbled my resolve. /There is no denying it now, you love her, you truly do. It is useless to fight it anymore/. The thought sent a wave of relief washing over me and I felt a massive burden lift off my spark, as though finally acknowledging and embracing my feelings towards her was right.

Nervous anticipation soon coursed through me. /How do I tell her? When do I tell her?/. After she had told me how much she had missed this connection between us and when she had said she wanted us to make time to be together, I almost confessed my feelings to her then. Yet once again, fate had a different idea, and we had been interrupted.

Would we ever get our moment?

Now, as I watched her walk towards me; smiling and her optics alight with that beautiful soul of hers, I knew the moment was fast approaching, I could not deny my feelings any longer. But first, there was something important that had to be done. Something that hopefully brought my precious Phoenix some joy, fun and answers. I addressed her as she walked towards me, ''Phoenix, I trust you are feeling well after your repairs?''

She smiled at me, ''Well enough Prime,'' and she nodded at Rachet, ''old hatchet here is a whizz with a welder.'' Rachet had smirked at her.

I continued speaking, ''I see. Well, if you are feeling up to it, we'll get on with the true purpose of our meeting here.'' I turned to look briefly at the others, who all nodded. ''Phoenix, we believe it is time for you to really test your powers. See what it is you can do.'' I watched her optics light up in excitement and felt my own spark twinge to see her so happy.

She yelled out, ''Are you serious? Right now?'' looking from me to Rachet and then to Ironhide and Jazz, as if testing we were playing some horrible joke on her.

I allowed a small smile as I replied, ''Yes Phoenix, right now.''

I watched the interaction between Phoenix and the others, especially my second in command carefully. Ever since OC had become ''Phoenix'', Jazz had paid her closer attention. I can't say as I blame him but his suggestive comments and openly forward behaviour at times really grated my nerves.

As far as I could surmise no one but Rachet knew of my growing feelings towards Phoenix. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought Rachet had confessed to Jazz how I felt and Jazz had been stirring me, goading me into making some sort of confession. However, I doubt Rachet would ever share anything I told him in confidence with anyone. It would be a betrayal of his code of ethics as a Medic, not to mention a lifetime friend. I guess Jazz just saw Phoenix in a whole new light and was not backward in coming forward about it – /unlike myself!/.

A small coil of jealousy wrapped itself about my spark like a cold snake and squeezed. If I did not act soon perhaps someone else – namely Jazz -would! I tried to quell the feeling and shifted between my pedes momentarily to dispel the sudden rising anxiety I felt.

I refocused my attention as Rachet finished reminding Phoenix that while we want to see what she is capable of, she is not to overdo it. I nodded and fixed her with a very serious stare, ''This is a test not only of your abilities when not holding back Phoenix, but a test of your ability to hold back if necessary. If you sense danger to yourself or any of us, you need to demonstrate self-restraint and sound judgement in ceasing the use of your powers immediately. Is that understood?'' I needed her to understand the seriousness of this situation and I tried to speak to her as though I was her leader, not someone who cared about her very deeply.

She nodded and returned my gaze with equal seriousness. ''Absolutely Prime. I understand and acknowledge what you are asking of me and assure you I will honour your request.'' She looked around at all of us. ''I would never want to do anything to hurt any of you, ever!''

Ironhide gave a loud snort, ''Could have fooled me! About 8 joors ago you were beating the ever-living energon out of 'Sides.''

Phoenix had the grace to look embarrassed for a moment before she retorted, ''Well Ironhide… Do you notice Sideswipe standing here amongst you? I said would never hurt any of you.'' She smiled sweetly at him and I only just managed to stifle a laugh.

/Oh my Phoenix how much joy you bring me!/, though out loud all I said was, ''Well, we had best get started!''. As we strode down the incline towards the field, I explained to Phoenix what her objective was and the parameters of the exercise. Phoenix understood and was ready.

She cycled deeply. ''Let's do this.'' Nodding her helm to all of us, she walked out as I had instructed.

I felt a part of me want to reach out and stop her and call it all off. I was worried, fearful something would happen to her. But I could not in good conscience prevent her from realising her true powers, her true self. I simply allowed myself to call out encouragement and a gentle warning, ''Good luck Phoenix, please be careful.'' And we all turned and walked back up the ridge to a safer distance, awaiting the display.

As soon as she approached the designated distance she came to a standstill and initiated the transformation process, seamlessly and smoothly changing into ''The Phoenix''. I was transfixed as I watched her change. /Power, beauty, terror and awe/.

As her wings burst into flames and she began to command the fire within her servos, I felt myself drawn to her and at the same time, I was also transported back to another time and another place to the only other femme who had captured my spark. For the first time in the longest time I allowed the memories to wash over me…

A vision of an attractive femme with white and pink armour plating, fine features and a strong, yet dainty appearance, flickered through my processor. Her optics held a vivacious spirit and determination, and her spark held my own.

Elita 1 had been special too. She too had possessed an amazing gift. Though it was nothing as ostentatious as bursting into flame and manipulating objects with her mind, her power had been no less incredible. She had been able to manipulate time itself, freezing it in order to correct one small mistake that could be the difference between life and death, victory and defeat.

She had only ever used it a handful of times as it drained almost all of her energy to the point of being near death, one of those occasions was to save my life. She did not even hesitate, even knowing what it would do – selfless and self-sacrificing to the end. She had loved me with all of her spark and I her… But she was gone…. And though I never thought it would be possible… I had finally allowed my spark to open itself up to another soul… one as bright as the sun itself…

A loud screech that seemed to encapsulate all the anguish, pain and spark ache I had felt at recalling the loss of Elita shattered my thoughts and catapulted me to the present moment.

I stood transfixed as I watched Phoenix send a massive wall of fire and power bursting forth from her servos and wings, obliterating all before it. My spark stopped as I took in the scene before me and the flaming figure at the heart of it. /She was incredible/.

In a matter of seconds all the piles of debris had been reduced to patches of fire burning all over the field, pillars of smoke rose from tiny patches of rubble that dotted the landscape before me, there were no large piles of scrap to be seen. I was vaguely aware of the shouts of awe and amazement from Rachet, Jazz and Irondhide. Phoenix seemed to falter, transform back into my robot mode and I sink to her knees.

I began to run towards her. /Primus please be alright!/. I called out to her, not caring if she or anyone else heard the concern and worry in my voice, ''Phoenix! Phoenix, are you alright?'' My face hovered before hers, worry and concern etched all over it and I clasped her shoulders with my servos, gently shaking her. ''Phoenix? Can you hear me?''

She looked at me, tilted her helm and blinked. She nodded slowly to indicate that she could indeed hear me. I felt the instant relief spread across my face and I could not help grasping her shoulders tightly for a moment. She smiled, ''I'm… I'm okay Prime.. I just… that was… intense.'' I held her close for a moment.

Eventually, after Rachet and the others were happy she was alright, I spoke gently to her, ''Do you feel able to stand?'' I turned to Rachet, ''Is it okay for her to stand?''

Rachet nodded. ''If she feels up to it, I don't see why not. She may feel a little shaky given the huge effort she just expended but she should be fine.''

Phoenix nodded and began to move herself to stand but I could not stop myself from wrapping my arms about her chest and help pull her carefully to her feet. She stumbled slightly and fell into my arms and I gladly and willingly caught her. I steadied her carefully and held her, making no move to extricate her from my grasp.

''Sorry Prime!'' she apologised quickly and looked up into my optics smiling weakly, ''guess I haven't quite regained control of my gross motor functions just yet.'' My spark tightened and sped up.

I stared into her optics, ''You have nothing to apologise for Phoenix, it is to be expected after your efforts.'' I shook my helm in amazement as I gazed at her and spoke in a whispered tone overcome with sudden emotion. ''Incredible. You are incredible.'' I began to bring one of my servos up towards her face, wanting to brush her cheek again but at the last moment I recalled we were not alone at the moment and I quickly placed it on her shoulder. I swear she almost pouted at my actions. A flash of hope burned through me.

Jazz's voice pipe up and I braced myself for what he might say, though I did not expect the words that followed, ''Well, I guess you could say Prime, that Phoenix has fallen for you,'' after a slight triumphant chuckle he added, ''or is it the other way around?'' Rachet had laughed out loud and Ironhide gave a deep chuckle.

Normally, I would have instantly dismissed and rebuked the comments in a bid to maintain a façade of control and authority, but I could not bring myself to do so. It was true. I had indeed fallen for Phoenix.

I felt myself give in to my feelings and I locked my optics onto hers, willing her to see how I felt within them and I spoke softly, directing my reply to her even though it was aimed at Jazz, 'Indeed Jazz.'' Out of the corner of my optics I noticed Jazz, Rachet and Ironhide's expressions reflect the shock they felt at the closest thing to an admission of feelings from me.

Phoenix had furrowed her optical ridge for a moment in confusion as she seemed to internalise my comment and try to decide what I had meant by it. After a moment she shook her helm, and I felt a part of my spark ache at the silent dismissal. /Why didn't you just tell her! You are so weak, Megatron was right/, I felt the thought mock me.

She seemed to be trying to move her dermas as if she was attempting to say something, but nothing would come out. /Had I scared her? Had I embarrassed her?/. A million thoughts and feelings churned through me though I refrained from speaking.

The moment to say anything more seemed to have been and gone. Neither of us knew what to say. It seemed as though Jazz's ''innocent'' comment had once again pushed us towards the edge of that precipice, and we were standing there on the edge together, but something had stopped us from jumping.

At that point Ironhide spoke up, which a part of me felt grateful for and also angry at myself as I felt the moment fade away like smoke, ''Well, I guess we could call Phoenix's effort here today a success? Rachet? Prime?''

Rachet spoke first, ''Ah yeah, Ironhide, I'd say so.'' I detected the slight disappointment in his voice.

I remained silent, simply listening to the exchange between Rachet and her. I still did not trust myself to speak.

Shortly after Phoenix seemed to accept Rachet's assessment of her abilities, I felt myself bristle as Jazz walked over to her and reached up to give her a playful pat on the shoulder, ''See, told ya lil' lady, you'd pack a punch. You were amazing!'' He smiled warmly at her and something in me snapped and spurred me into action.

I stepped towards them and slightly between Jazz and her, puerile I know but I thought perhaps actions may speak louder than words. ''Yes. Phoenix you were amazing, incredible. Though there was never any doubt from any of us I wager, that that would be the case.'' She cast her optics to the ground at the praise I was giving her. ''However,'' I intoned as I had to make the concern that had crept into my spark and processor at her display known, ''as successful as today's efforts were, it also brings into play a more serious matter.''

I cast my optics around the small group of trusted warriors, advisors, friends and medics. ''The urgent need to keep Phoenix a secret from the Decepticons for as long as possible.'' I returned my penetrating gaze to her as she had once again raised her helm. ''With her power and abilities if the Decepticons were to find out about her existence they would stop at nothing to try and capture her for their own evil machinations or, destroy her to spite us and stop us from holding any sort of advantage.'' My tone held barely checked anger and fear at the same time as the thought of that happening to her tore at me. Everyone nodded in agreeance - except her.

I felt myself tense as I had a feeling, I knew what was to come.

Phoenix spoke up, ''Well hang on Prime, while I appreciate the sentiment and motives behind your words, I am not sure I like what they imply. I have no desire to remain hidden behind locked doors, skulking around the base like some mysterious monster. That would be like trading one prison cell for another. While I am thankful for your concern for my well-being, truly I am, with all due respect Prime, I will not be kept under lock and key due to Decepticons.'' Her optics flashed fire as she spoke, and she seemed to be fighting back rising anger.

I turned to face her more directly, as I felt my own anger fuelled by my fear force my servos to clench by my sides. Rachet, Ironhide and Jazz stepped back away from us slightly as the mood changed and they sensed a rising tension between us. ''Phoenix,'' I began with a slight edge to my voice, ''I don't think you fully understand the gravity of the situation and what the Decepticons are capable of. Yes, you have fought against some of them and you have had a glimpse of what they are able to do, but you have not had to endure their depravity and their thirst for domination and revenge for millions of years. You would be seen as a prize to claim and bend to their will or destroy!''

My voice had risen as my emotions, which were usually so carefully held in check, seemed to be slipping past my barriers. ''They would stop at nothing, and I mean nothing, to get to you. Do you have any idea of the carnage and death that could bring about?'' Both of my servos were now clenched in tight fists.

Phoenix raised her servos to her hips equally defiant, ''Yes Prime I do have some idea, I was in Mission City that day and I lost Chase in Shanghai, so YES, I do have some fucking idea what they are…'' Her voice had also risen. Rachet, Ironhide and Jazz had stepped further away to leave the two of us facing each other in a battle of wills.

I flinched when she had mentioned Chase's name and a felt a surge of pain flash through me as I recalled my inability to save him. However, I was not deterred, and I interjected her comments furiously as I felt the emotional dam burst, ''NO YOU DO NOT!'' I roared.

Phoenix flinched, her servos momentarily leaving her hips in shock at the anger radiating off me and in my voice. Even though a small part of me wanted to reach out to her and grab her servo and apologise, I could not bring myself to stop, I had to make her see why she had to be cautious. ''YOU have NO idea of what they are truly capable of, you have had a taste, a glimpse. They would hunt you down mercilessly and ceaselessly, capture you, torture you till you begged for mercy or until you took your own life. If they knew what you were capable of, they would level entire cities, continents to claim you. Millions would be killed,'' I had subconsciously stepped closer to her, my face reflecting the pain and anger that had bubbled to the surface as I recalled going through this with Elita and how no doubt she had perished at their hands.

The thought that I had not been there to save her gnawed and clawed at my spark like a rabid, wild animal, spurring my fury at myself on. /I would not make that mistake twice!/.

My optics fixed hers with a fiery stare, my right servo had unclenched and was now stabbing the air, accentuating every word I said as I inadvertently drove home how much I cared for her and feared losing her, ''We could not protect you – I could not protect you. I WILL NOT LOSE YOU TO THEM TOO PHOENIX!'' I felt my chassis rising and falling rapidly with the emotion and anger I had allowed to explode from a place deep within my spark. My face was so close to hers as he had stepped up to drive home my words. I hoped she could see the pain, the frustration and the absolute fear written in them and I think she did as she seemed to back down.

My voice then dropped to a whisper so even Phoenix could barely hear it as I hung my helm in defeat and I confessed the truth behind my fear and my desire to keep her safe, ''I made a vow to Chase I would watch over you and keep you safe at all costs.'' I paused and ex-vented deeply, ''I cannot lose you Phoenix - I simply can't.'' Even though I had initially promised Chase to keep her safe to honour his memory and because I had cared for OC deeply as a friend, since that horrible day, I had grown to love OC - Phoenix as she was now known- very deeply and the thought of losing her destroyed me – I could not go through that. /Now, surely, she knows how I feel about her. There could be no doubt/.

I slowly raised my helm hoping she would smile at me and acknowledge my feelings – perhaps, hoping against hope to even return them. Instead, I was met with an icy voice whispered as quietly as my own had been moments before, ''You what?'' her servos now clenched by her sides and her body radiating anger, pain, disbelief, rejection, fear and a myriad of other feelings I could barely take in at once. Though at the fore was anger and pain.

I felt my frame shrink, withering under her barely contained rage and my shoulders slump at the sound of the icy tone in her voice. /This is NOT how I thought she would react/.

I slowly raised my optics to hers. My voice remained a whisper as I began to explain myself, ''I made a vow to Chase that night he died, and I brought you back from the beach. I promised him I would protect you, keep you safe from harm and watch over you.'' Phoenix appeared to be shaking as a range of emotions assaulted her. I cycled deeply and stood slowly back up to my full height, preparing for the renewed verbal slinging match between us. Besides, I was only protecting her, my promise had been made out of a sense of honour and duty towards Chase and a deep care and concern for OC as she had been then, a care that had grown into love. /Why was she so mad at me? Can't she see why I did that?/.

I continued in my explanation, ''I promised him I would lay down my life for you, as he no doubt would have and that I would care for you for as long as the sun and the moon would endure''. My optics shone brightly at her as I remembered the moment and I felt my feelings towards her bubble to the surface again. My gaze did not falter as I finished speaking, ''I gave him my word as a Prime''.

Her face contorted in anger and pain at the painful memory I had caused to resurface but something else seemed to flash through her too, another emotion I could not quite place. I had never seen her like this before, especially with me.

She raised a servo in the air as if to slap me across the helm. I did not move. If she needed this to release some of her pain and hurt at whatever wrong I had done to her, I was prepared to receive the blow and a thousand more. She started to bring her servo down towards me..

But the blow never landed. She made a loud sobbing noise and clutched at her waist before she turned to leave.

Panic and fear wrapped around my spark and I instinctively reached out a servo to grab her arm and prevent her from leaving me. She spun on her pede and yelled at me in a voice dripping with anger and vehemence, a voice that shook me to my core, ''DO NOT TOUCH ME! How dare you? How dare you make such a promise! How dare you use me…pretend to care..''

At her words my optics widened in shock and I slowly shook my helm, releasing her arm as realisation sunk in as to how she had perceived my words and actions. /She thinks I only care about her out of some feeling of obligation towards Chase! Primus no!/.

She covered her dermas with her servo and turned on her pedes running off over the ridge, transforming and taking to the sky. I could not stop her. I was unable to move as the weight of our misunderstanding and the subsequent fallout crashed down upon me like a mountain.

I watched her disappear into the fading light of day. She did not turn back. She did not see me fall to my knees, overcome with despair and grief. I was vaguely aware of Rachet, Ironhide and Jazz rushing up to support me but I did not hear their words at first, all I could hear were her words echoing through my processor and audials like verbal bullets.

I cycled air through my intakes so deeply as I fought back great sobs of pain and regret. I felt my anguish ripped from me as I cried out, ''Phoenix, come back! What have I done?'' In that moment, the great ''Optimus Prime'', supposed saviour of his people, Earth and the Universe, the mech who supposedly had all the answers, rarely made a mistake and always triumphed, clutched at his chest as his own spark tore in two.

I felt as though the one I loved was lost all over again. And once again – it was all my fault!