CT: Considering how much of a knack Rayfa has for performing and how much Inga loves and supports her, if he had succeeded in his plans and assassinated Ga'ran, I could easily picture one of his first courses of action being to establish Rayfa as Khura'in's first pop idol. However, since this is Inga we're talking about, Rayfa wouldn't be wearing anything more revealing than her regular outfit and he would assign the entirety of Khura'in's police force to ensure that no boys get within 20 feet of his little girl. And to top it off, since no one has the right to compete with his daughter and risk crushing her dreams and making her cry, Inga would probably expand upon the DC Act to make it where if anyone other than Rayfa forms a music group in Khura'in, they will be immediately executed with no trial whatsoever on the grounds of treason.
JP: I've said it before, and will say it again…I have long since embraced every aspect of my hilarious partner's portrayals of Inga and Her Malevolence's (blood-soaked/tearstained) nightmare hellscape of marriage as canon – including but not limited to their Kafkaesque connubial calisthenics…Just in time for Halloween 2020 - like it needed any help getting any scarier with all that's happening in the world - some delightfully ghoulish West Asia humor!
"Death To Rebels"
Sung to the tune of
"Death to Squishies" from the video game
Ratchet and Clank 3: Up Your Arsenal
"Inga, to what do I owe the pleasure- and I use the term loosely- of you suddenly summoning me to this pigsty that you call your private quarters when I could be devoting my time to more worthwhile pursuits?" Ga'ran impatiently asked, her foot impatiently tapping as she sat in a chair in Inga's private quarters.
"Hold your horses, Ga'ran. There'll be plenty of time to fly around on your broomstick and terrorize the people of Munchkin Land after my computer decides to not make my life even worse than it already is and play the damn video already!" The Minister of Justice snarled as he repeatedly clicked the refresh button his laptop's monitor. "Though to answer your question, in anticipation of all the complaints we'll be getting from parents about that Ga'ran Kids PSA that you're forcing me to air before the premiere episode of 'The Plumed Punisher's' next season, I've decided to create a new one starring Rayfa to replace it."
"You will be replacing nothing, Inga!" Ga'ran snapped. "If children can see a version of you shirtless and not be traumatized, then nothing will faze them. And even if a few disgruntled parents voice that 'Let's Help Her Eminence!' isn't appropriate for television, then I'll make it so that they can no longer voice complaints."
"That's because those children haven't seen the unspeakable things you've subjected me to in this very room, or my kitchen, or that broom closet in the Ministry of Justice that I happened to walk by that one day. If those children saw even half of those things you do with your fist and tongue, then you'd see a bunch of terrified kiddies running for the hills, see!" Inga snidely retorted.
"As tempting as that would be, Inga, I don't think that it would be very effective on account of how the children would miss it if they blinked." Ga'ran tittered. "Though speaking of which, I find it quite amusing that you feel that 'Let's Help Her Eminence!' will give children nightmares, yet you were perfectly content with the idea of changing 'The Plumed Punisher's' theme song to include a portion about her loving your 'rock-hard' abs until I rightfully rejected it. I swear, Inga, after having to suffer through that pitiful attempt to stroke your own ego, I can't help but feel a bit apprehensive about what this video will entail. Oh, what am I saying? Nothing you write could possibly be worse than that theme song."
"Now, Ga'ran, don't go saying that kind of stuff 'til after you see the video. Who knows, maybe unlike sunshine and human decency, you'll actually take a liking to it and- Oh, thank goodness, it's starting!" Inga rejoiced as the video started playing, showing Rayfa standing on a large, brightly lit stage with the actors playing the Plumed Punisher and Inga from the show in-costume and dancing behind her before she started singing."
{Inga}
I see our country,
And here's what I see:
Dhurke and his minions spreading pain and misery!
I hate those rebels,
They threaten our lands!
That's why I say,
We must now take a stand!
Do you love the Holy Mother?
Then these words you should utter!
To all those who love our nation and all it represents,
We must steel ourselves and bring the fight to those thugs!
By the Holy Mother's pained pleas,
Our noble work won't end until we see,
Dhurke on the ground dead!
"I can't believe I'm saying this, Inga, but you somehow managed to defy my expectations..." Ga'ran noted with a slight look of shock.
"Told ya you'd like it," Inga smirked as he chomped down on his cigar stump.
"And just like our nights of passion, you're acting all high and mighty despite the fact that I'm not even close to finishing." Ga'ran groaned as she scowled at her husband.
"And like how you whisper in my ear that I should feel blessed while I'm screaming in terror on those nights of punishment, you're making no sense," Inga replied with a growl of irritation.
"Then allow me to explain myself with words that are of a length that you are very familiar with: short." Ga'ran snidely responded as she glowered at her husband. "You actually managed to produce something that was an even bigger failure than that self-pandering revised theme song. That song Rayfa sung- if you could refer to that train wreck as such- was short, bland, and had absolutely presence to it whatsoever. It was the musical equivalent to your performance in the bedroom, whereas "Let's Help Her Eminence" is a masterpiece that captures the nuanced beauty and raw passion of my lovemaking."
"If you mean that it's long, scary, and makes me wanna jump off a cliff afterwards, then I fully agree with you." Inga sneered.
"The issue here isn't whether or not you're capable of handling a real woman, Inga- which you can't- but rather, how you have managed to sink to a new nadir of incompetence and disappointment and mind you, that also includes our Disney roleplay night last March, Gaston, or should I say Garcon?" Ga'ran snidely retorted.
"One," Inga snapped with a raised finger, "it's kinda hard for a guy to perform when his banshee wife is dressed up like freakin' Cruella De Vil, complete with skunk hair and skin grayer than the lucky corpses of the mooks I've executed that don't have to look at you! And two," the Minister of Justice raised a second finger, "I didn't write that song, Rayfa did. See, Rayfa was so excited when I asked her if she'd be willing to star in a pre-episode PSA for 'The Plumed Punisher' that she insisted that she help out by writing a song to sing, and you know I can't say no to those puppy dog eyes she flashes me. I may be married to you, but that doesn't mean that I don't have a soul!"
"Figures." Ga'ran scoffed with a roll of her eyes. "Like Amara, that girl's creativity is as lacking as her bust size, and her execution is as pitiful as her Dance of Devotion is clumsy and off-tempo."
"Now listen here, Mama Methuselah, you can insult me- I've built up a tolerance to it over the years in addition to going numb below the waist- but I'm not gonna stand by and let you insult my daughter!" Inga snarled, getting right up in his wife's face, much to her surprise. "That girl is talented in everything she does and has the personality of a saint, and if I hear any more insults directed at her come out of that unhinged jaw of yours, I swear to the Holy Mother, I'll take out a spray bottle full of water and start squirting you until you're nothing but a puddle absorbing into my carpet! And don't think for a second that I'm afraid of the prospect of your crazy-ass guards killing me, 'cause at this point in my life, I'll welcome it with open arms and-"
At that moment, much to Inga's horror, he was cut off by his wife crashing her lips into his own, giving him the kiss of his life, pressing her hands on her husband's cheeks in order to keep his head in place as he frantically tried in vain to escape.
"What the hell, Ga'ran?! I thought I told you at our wedding not to do that to me anymore!" Inga roared while frantically rubbing his lips against his sleeve, his eyes filled with terror as he leapt out of his seat and quickly took several steps back.
"I'm sorry, Inga. I could hardly help myself." Ga'ran replied with a sultry grin as she licked her lips. "It's just that it's so rare that I get to see this side of you- so assertive, so in control- and it makes me feel like a woman." The Queen stated as she got up from her seat and sauntered towards her husband, whose only response was to continue backing away until his back was against the door. "So, Inga, how's about we get more… comfortable before continuing our discussion regarding our daughter's ineptitude from the bed?" Ga'ran asked in a seductive tone, gently tracing her finger on the Minister of Justice's chest, causing him to shudder as he frantically searched for the doorknob.
But unfortunately for Inga, right as he found the doorknob and was about to leave the room and run away as far as his legs could take him, Ga'ran grabbed both of his hands and started dragging him towards his bed as he desperately tried to free himself from the Queen's manicured talons just as he started crying and screaming in terror.
Dual (because you know, we're a duet!) shout out of thanks and replies to the following awesomesauce readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading! 😊
Chapter 100
NintendoAceAttorneyFan
JP: I have never had the pleasure of playing Kingdom Hearts yet but all my friends are fans and I certainly I'm aware of the storyline and dynamic… But to be compared to anything Disney is generally a lovely thing in this case the handsome Sir Blue Knight and his beautiful fair maiden very much have a fairytale dynamic (which in my works, translated into romance!) that Team Rodent is famous for, and inspires most of us to swoon! It's on my to-do list It is always such a pleasure to hear from you… And we get a double dose since you're one of our lovely readers on AO3 as well!
Cheers!
JP
CT: Thank you for the kind words! Readers like you are one of the reasons JP and I love writing these parodies. As for "Kingdom Hearts", you've just given me a fun idea that I won't mention for the sake of keeping it a surprise.
TheFreelancerSeal
JP: I guess I should have written a disclaimer when I wrote that last Phaya romance… May cause diabetes! At the very least buddy I'm pretty sure all that teeth scouring give you a gleaming million-dollar smile! At least it did last time I saw you! Don't sell short Chrom and Sumia though… I've read those works of yours and you definitely have a knack for fluffy socks style romance yourself! Are Nick and Maya a better couple though overall? The more I write than those dorks, the more they may be my favourite couple in pretty much all media – at least as far as animation and video games although Belmont and a certain beautiful magician are pretty close second! There are some things cross singing/TE readers are inevitably going to see from these songfics which will undoubtedly be in upcoming chapters of Turnabout Everlasting (still looking really good to get that chapter out this month by the way!)… As for when Nick finally puts that ring on her finger officially… Remember all we've seen so far was his "first draft" proposal… 😉
CT: While I have written parodies for "Kidnap the Sandy Claws", "Oogie Boogie's Song", and "Jack's Lament", this is the first time that a parody for "This is Halloween" was covered on this fanfic.
As for this most recent parody, I was originally going to have it where instead of Phoenix yelling 'objection', Apollo would have done it as he burst into the room, livid at the fact that Phoenix ordered him to hold the fort over at the Anything Agency on the grounds of him, Trucy, and Athena going out to a crime scene to investigate, only to discover that they and pretty much everyone else in the universe is having a jolly good time singing a song without him. At that point, everyone would be furious at Apollo on account of how they would have to start the entire song over from the very beginning. However, I decided against it on account of it killing the mood at the end.
Forgreatcoffee
JP: the idea of Nick and Maya being Jack and Sally is ghoulish yet heartwarming although I would like to think that those to do have a love that is… Everlasting! If memory serves me correctly, you are the one who suggested slide whistle effect to be added the wedding video to torture The Dragon Lady in prison in TE! That effect is definitely a sound that cannot be beat… Except of course for the sound of a tuba being played while Stewie Griffin follows of corpulent character down the street! Regarding the huge jacked man… I love how Ryan Reynolds repeatedly likes to prove that nobody is that straight since he is a happily married father and publicly declares his bromance with the gorgeous Australian repeatedly… Even going as far as announcing to his face on camera… "You're fucking gorgeous!" I imagine Mr. Reynolds must've seen the same boots commercial that I did! 😈
Good thing Phoenix is hot enough on his own and Maya doesn't need to see that commercial as preemptive foreplay before the Phoenix Wright Freedom express channels through her tunnel … oh, Señor Java you are a BAD boy! Mia was one lucky girl! 😉
You're welcome for all the years of said entertainment… Readers like you definitely make the unpaid love and labour worthwhile!
CT: Considering Pearl's superhuman strength, I personally feel that a more appropriate sound for Pearl rolling up her sleeve would be that of a shotgun being cocked. After all, if Pearl unleashed her full power on some poor soul, chances are their skull would be shattered like the Sacred Urn after a single slap.
Mr. Coffee
chloemcg
JP: now that you've place the idea of an art contest in my mind milady the question of course is… What subject would be fair play for Laurice Deauxnim and Phoenix the ex-art student to be drawing? And just like my wonderful copilot said… We neither of us are able to post as often anymore unfortunately but I love this fandom too much to be going anywhere anytime soon – no matter what! How can we when we have wonderful and loyal readers like you? 😊
CT: Don't worry. We're still well and love writing these parodies. The reason why we haven't been pumping them out so fast is because my and JP's schedules have been even more hectic than usual in the last few months. But even if it takes us longer to do so, we won't stop uploading until we're done.
DJJ680
JP: I have a headcanon that pearly has already appointed herself maid of honour for this phantom future wedding she is positive is destined to happen along with colour swatches inside said book of wedding planning if there such thing as a maid of honour Zilla I am sure that's going to be her… But she is so cute and her slabs of fury are so terrifying that I cannot imagine either Nick or Maya opposing any objections to her "voluntold" objections. How much do you want to bet she makes Phoenix come down the aisle in a white tuxedo on a white horse which has the misfortune of having a fake unicorn horn strapped onto it just to make the whole handsome prince coming for his beautiful (Pink) Princess fantasy complete? Thank you so much for the kind words – you are awesome!
As for Dual Destinies… They were really mean getting my hopes up that Phoenix was gonna make that F-bomb with that drawn-out fuuuuuuuu…. FUDGE! And then there was the time everyone is ganging up on him and he declared then to be most unkind… And darkly referred to the lot as "meanies" which I imagine is what that "M" rating actually stood for… 😆
CT: Personally, when it comes to "Dual Destinies", with the exception of that creepy bloody Athena image and one of the cutscenes having a pool of blood forming around her, I've never understood the M-rating. After all, the first game had us staring at a picture of Gregory Edgeworth's body covered in blood, "Justice for All" had that image of a deranged Turner Grey right before his death, and "Apollo Justice" not only had an image of a Meraktis outright strangling Alita with a lamp cord, but also Romein LeTouse dying before our very eyes in a pool of his own blood, yet they all got T-ratings. My guess is that this was probably due to the rating system being more lax then, which is how "Ocarina of Time" and "Majora's Mask" got E-ratings despite all the disturbing stuff they had.
As for your question regarding Pearl, the answer is quite simple: every second from the moment she learned of Phoenix's existence.
Peoplepersonsof DooM
JP: I know you're celebrating having a dedicated fanfic that's also several years old with the Fated Turnabout, Lyn, which you have been cranking out at such an enviable rate that if you weren't my homegirl I would be jealous! It means a lot that you take time out of your busy schedule of making me laugh like a loon on loon tablets both in your works and off-site to still read my stuff and this particular songfic. I especially like that you can appreciate Nick and Maya since I know it's not your primary ship. Thanks for the kind words how… See on the other side! 😊
CT: I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed the parodies, Lyn! To be honest, I can't believe that JP and I have posted 100 chapters of this fanfic. I know that I sound like a broken record at this point when it comes to mentioning how it felt like just yesterday when JP and I were writing our first parodies, but it feels like the time just zipped right by in the blink of an eye. It just goes to show you that time really does fly when you're having fun.
