Chapter 66 – Prime Goeth before the fall…
Prime P.O.V
''Prime! Prime? Are you okay? What do you need us to do?'' I was vaguely aware of Rachet talking to me. He had crouched down before me, his servo on my shoulders gently shaking me, just as I had done to…
Phoenix.
She was gone. She had left me. So much anger. So much hurt. All over a misunderstanding and my own implacable fears and insecurities.
Ironhide and Jazz flanked either side of me, their own faces showing considerable concern and sorrow at the sight I must have presented. Under normal circumstances I would have been mortified to have appeared so vulnerable and emotional in front of others. I was ''The Prime.'' Primes are not meant to let emotions consume them. They are not meant to be demonstrative or susceptible to weakness and yet here I was – miserably failing in every way.
I raised my helm to Rachet's face and forced myself to focus on him. ''Rachet… I… what have I done?'' I could not keep the hurt and regret out of my voice.
Rachet let his servo squeeze my shoulder struts in support, ''Prime you have done nothing that cannot be mended with an honest conversation that is well overdue and a spark felt apology.'' His optics offered hope and encouragement.
I shook my helm, ''She thinks… she thinks,'' I looked at Ironhide and Jazz and closed my optics. /Do I admit how I feel in front of them?/.
''She thinks ya don't love her, that your affections are tha result of some honour bound duty ta Chase,'' Jazz supplied for me with a small smile on his dermas.
Just when I thought I could not register anymore emotions; shock tore through me and I blinked my optics and flinched, ''You.. you know?'' I turned accusatory optics towards Rachet who removed his servos and held them up in the air in surrender. My voice dropped to a low and threatening whisper, ''Did you tell them Rachet?''
''Absolutely not Prime! I would never betray your trust like that,'' the old Medic looked hurt at my accusation.
Jazz snorted, ''Prime please, give me some credit! I am your Special Operations Expert and your Second in Command. Do ya not think I notice things? Do ya not think I have learned ta read and pay attention ta not only tha things you do say but sometimes, more importantly, tha things ya don't say?'' He had a small smile on his dermas. Nothing cocky or gloating, if anything it was rueful. ''I have known for some time that ya have had feelin's towards Phoenix, even back when she was OC, I knew there was something there between ya both.''
I felt my dermas try to move to express how utterly shocked I was at this admission and at how deluded I had been to think I was fooling anyone, least of all those closest to me, that what I felt was nothing more than friendship. A thought flashed through my processor, ''Why have you been making suggestive comments towards her? Making out as though you liked her? If you knew how I felt towards her why did you do that to me?'' I had my theories, but I wanted to know.
''Because ya were bein' so incredibly thick helmed about it all! I knew that if I left ya ta your own devices,'' at this point Jazz stopped and turned to Rachet. ''Well actually Optimus, we knew. Ya see after ya had been killed and Rachet was talking ta me, I told him how I knew ya had feelin's for her and that she, more than likely retuned them.'' I felt myself scoff at this comment now, Jazz ploughed on ignoring my self-deprecation. ''So after ya had been repaired and we gave Phoenix a few months ta settle in, WE started ta try and well.. manipulate tha situation, ya know, give ya both a ''nudge'' in tha right direction 'cause Primus knows how stubborn ya both can be!'' Rachet was nodding.
I shook my helm in disbelief before turning my gaze to rest upon Ironhide. Raising an optic ridge I inquired of my weapons specialist, ''And you? Did you know too?''
Ironhide shrugged his shoulders and made a non-committal sound, ''I may be older than you Prime but I'm not blind. As Jazz said, we have learned to pay attention to the things you don't say after all of these millennia. Actions often speak louder than words and whenever you and Phoenix are around each other, well until just now that is,'' I flinched at the recollection of her flying away and her words, ''it was obvious to anyone with half a processor that there was something between you both that extended beyond friendship.''
I nodded slowly and cast my optics to the ground. /What a fool I have been in so many ways/. I should have known better than to think my most trusted friends and loyal soldiers would not have noticed my feelings. I felt embarrassed by my own arrogance and ignorance.
My spark still throbbed in pain and I left my servo on my chest in some vain attempt to soothe it as I slowly rose to my pedes. I looked at each of them in turn, ''I am sorry my friends. I should have known I could trust you. I have trusted you with my life all these joors, I should have known I could trust you with my secrets.''
Rachet extended his servo again and patted me on the shoulder, ''Prime, there is nothing to apologise for. At least not to us,'' and he gave me a knowing smile.
''Yeah, we all good Prime,'' Jazz beamed. ''Mind you, I am so glad ya finally had ya epiphany 'cause I was gonna have ta make good on a lil' threat I had made ta Rachet almos' a year ago.''
Both Ironhide and I looked at Jazz quizzically whilst Rachet merely began to laugh.
''Ya see if you didn't come around and admit your feelin's ta Phoenix before tha end of this year, I was going ta… well…. I was goin' ta try and embarrass you into it by publicly announcing I had feelin's for you!'' Jazz looked a little embarrassed but also somewhat relieved and a huge grin was plastered on his face.
I felt myself freeze as I processed what he had just said. My optics blinking rapidly in disbelief and shock.
Rachet gave a small sigh, ''I am kind of sad you did just admit it to us Prime. I was actually hoping Jazz would have had to do that. It would have been..''
''So the last thing he ever did,'' I supplied for him, but I had a teasing tone in my voice and had allowed a small smile to spread across my dermas. I reached out and patted Jazz on the shoulder in silent thanks for his friendship and good humour.
Jazz smiled back as he placed his servo on mine, ''Yeah pro'ly, but it would have been so worth it ta have seen ya face.'' I shook my head at his impudent comment and gave a small laugh. After a moment Jazz sobered and slipped back into the role of my second in command. ''So, Prime, what's tha plan? What would ya like us ta do? I know she can't truly be that mad at ya – she loves ya; I know she does!''
Though my spark seemed to beat faster of its own volition as his words, I shook my helm slowly, ''Jazz I just don't know, she has never spoken to me like that before.'' My optics dimmed at the recollection of her face contorted in anger and pain. ''I hurt her, I never meant to, but I did and badly.''
Ironhide, who had said very little then chose to speak up, ''Well Prime, have you thought that despite the apparent vehemence of her words to you, they are only masking the depth of her own feelings towards you?''
At my apparent lack of understanding Ironhide rephrased his meaning. ''In other words, she spoke in such anger towards you just now because she feels such love towards you. The reaction was merely an effort to counterbalance the feelings inside her. If she feels such love towards you, when she misinterpreted your comment just now, it stands to reason that her response to that overwhelming love and care towards you would be to immediately feel such anger, resentment and hurt towards you for supposedly duping her into possessing those feelings in the first place.'' He folded his arms over his huge chest and had a smug look on his face.
Rachet, Jazz and I stared at Ironhide for a moment. ''Ironhide… that is.. really quite profound and insightful. I confess I had not even thought about that.'' I shook my helm, ''to be honest I have scarcely allowed myself to believe she could be in love with me.''
I cast my optics to the heavens. ''You all know how long it has been since my spark pulsed for another. How long it has been since I have loved someone,'' I looked at them all, allowing a small amount of fear and indecision shadow my features.
Rachet then stepped up to me, placing both servos on my shoulders and gave me a determined and authoritative look, ''Far too long Prime. Your spark has ached for far too long, been lonely for far too long. And you have put off filling that void, soothing that ache for far too long as well! For the love of Primus! Please, go and talk to Phoenix, tell her how you feel. Explain what happened. Fix what has broken between you so you can both be whole.'' He smiled at me and then at the others who were all nodding in agreement, ''If anyone deserves to be happy it is you. Now go, find her! And that's an order!''
I ex-vented deeply and gave a small chuckle at the role reversal. ''You are right – about everything Rachet. I don't know if I can fix it – but I do know I will not give up. Not on her – not on us.'' Jazz, Ironhide and Rachet all gave a nod of approval and agreement at my newfound determination and attitude.
Jazz spoke up, ''She flew off in a North Easterly direction Prime towards..''
I shook my helm, '''No Jazz, I will not follow her there. I will wait for her on our beach. I know she will return there.'' I looked at Ironhide. ''If half of what Ironhide said a moment ago is true, and from what I do know of Phoenix, she will eventually head to our beach for solace and comfort and, because she knows that that is where I will be waiting for her to answer her questions. Jazz…'' I started to ask but he cut in.
''Of course, Prime, I will assume command of the Autobots effective immediately while you attend to important matters.'' He winked at me.
I nodded my helm towards him and the others. ''Thank you all for your support, wisdom and friendship. You honour me greatly.'' They all nodded in return, their optics bright with emotion and I turned, transformed and headed off to the one place I both longed to be and dreaded to see.
Phoenix P.O.V
/''I made a vow to Chase I would watch over you and keep you safe at all costs. I cannot lose you Phoenix - I simply can't.''/. His words still echoed around my spark and my processor like a mental slap.
I had landed on the far side of the island and was pacing like a caged animal trying to dispel some of the intense emotions swirling inside of me. Two fireballs danced on my palms growing in intensity as they mirrored my emotions. It was all I could do at the moment to not let fire burst forth from my servos and decimate whatever lay before it.
I closed my optics and cycled my vents in an effort to calm myself down and re-centre myself. I felt the flames begin to die down until they extinguished. I had also given my word to someone that I would remain in control of my powers and not let them consume me. That I would exercise restraint and sound judgement. I snorted out loud and snarled to myself, ''he had no right to give his word to Chase about me! He lied to ME!''
I sat down upon the sandy ground and drew my knees up under my chin in an attempt to comfort myself. I felt a sob working its way up from deep inside me and I allowed it to escape as some sort of strangled yell. Waves of hurt, rejection, anger, pain and confusion rolled off me.
I began to rock slowly as I cast my mind back to our fight moments ago, the biggest fight and disagreement we have ever had. While we had had our share of arguments since we had known each other, what had just transpired between us, that was on a whole other level. I shivered at the memory and my own reaction.
That deep baritone voice I had come to love so much had barely come out as a whisper, and as it did it broke my spark with the deceit and lies implicit in the words he spoke. /''I made a vow to Chase that night he died, and I brought you back from the beach. I promised him I would protect you, keep you safe from harm and watch over you''/. I shook with renewed anger and grief as his words continued to wash over me. /''I promised him I would lay down my life for you, as he no doubt would have and that I would care for you for as long as the sun and the moon would endure. I gave him my word as a Prime''/.
I closed my optics as I let the words sink into me and slowly suffocate my spark, I felt as though it would surely stop pulsing with the tremendous weight that now settled about it and the way in which it felt like it was being torn in two. I raised my helm to the heavens as the evening sky began to reveal my stars above me and I let out a bereft moan and clutched at my chest. /Primus but this hurts! Why? Why would he lie to me? Why would he pretend to care for me so much?/. Without realising it I yelled out loud to the sky, ''WHY?''
I hung my helm and felt my chassis rising and falling deeply as I struggled to contain my emotions. /Why did he make me believe he had feelings for me when he obviously never did?/. How dare he make such a promise to Chase, my Chase about me! How dare he promise something he cannot keep.
I snorted out loud and a new wave of pain washed over me as I recalled his death at Megatron's servos. When I had heard of Prime's death, I had nearly died myself at the sheer magnitude of grief I felt. It still haunted me. I laughed a crazed laugh of someone who was being pushed towards the edge of sanity, ''and for what? He felt nothing for you anyway! He feels nothing for you – just a sense of duty to your dead fiancée''. The acid in my own words caused me to flinch.
I closed my optics tight and rocked back and forth a little faster. I shook my helm. /To think I have wrestled with my feelings about Prime for so long and now, when I have finally come to realise I do indeed love him, in fact nearly told him a few times, NOW I realise he does not share those feelings in the slightest!/. I could have dealt with unrequited feelings. I have liked someone before and had them not return those feelings. You eventually move on and get over it but to have someone pretend to have feelings for you, act in a manner that suggests they care deeply for you when in truth you are just some burden, some obligation, that I can NOT deal with! I WON'T deal with that betrayal. ''Not from HIM!'' I heard myself growl out loud.
I shot to my pedes and cast my optics across the bay towards ''our beach''. I gave a self-depreciating snort at the use of the word ''our''. How can it be ''ours'' when there was clearly never really an ''us"?
Yet, even as I began to transform back into ''The Phoenix'', the mythological bird who rises from the ashes to be reborn, I couldn't help a nagging feeling within the deepest part of my spark and my processor. /But it is not like him. He would not treat someone this way. You know him. Surely there has been some sort of misunderstanding?/.
For a moment, I stood there, hesitantly, questioning my course of action, my own reaction. With a shake of my helm, I strode forward and leapt into the air, my massive wings taking me soaring into the sky and headed for the one place I knew I would find my answers waiting patiently and expectantly for me.
