Hello, hope everyone is well, still in these weirdest of times! Usual disclaimer applies, not marvel, don't own anything, making no money.
!Warning: There is a big focus on Amelia's pregnancy, talk of miscarriage and potential issues in this chapter, which may be hard for some people, so I wanted to mention it in advance.!
But it was something I personally really wanted to write. Not a Dr as I have repeated frequently.
Like I mentioned last time, it's post-Christmas, we've skipped a couple weeks ahead.
Chapter 19: All I Want is You
Time: 19:00
Amelia trudges in from work and dumps her bags beside the door, she groans and straightens, rubbing her lower back and squinting with the pain. As she rounds the corner she can hear the TV and she strolls into the lounge quickly spotting Bucky. He's alone and lying on the couch, flicking through the channels. She calls 'hey! You! Feet off!' Bucky peers over his feet at her and slowly swings his legs around, to sit. 'Happy?'
She drops down beside him, lifting her own feet onto his lap and smirking smugly, 'very.' Bucky mutters hypocrite, shaking his head at her.
He looks over and her eyes are closed, 'long day?' Amelia nods, eyes still shut, 'getting longer by the day.' Bucky pats her legs atop his own, nodding to her belly 'much kicking today?' Amelia smiles, 'no, but she was going hard at it a couple days ago, banging on my bladder like Tommy-Lee.' Bucky appears confused, 'Tony would get it' she sighs.
'Hey? What's that?' Amelia asks and Bucky stares around unsure, 'uh, what?'
She smiles, whispering 'silence.' Bucky grins, 'ah, yeah, they've gone to the store, should be back in twenty.' Amelia sighs, rocking a little 'time for a quick shower then, ughhh I can't get up, pull me?' Bucky seems concerned, she chuckles 'don't worry, I'm kidding, but five months down the line that is the kind of commitment I'm looking for, Barnes! No time to be shy.' Amelia walks away slowly, a heavy, tired gate and Bucky lies back down, he smirks as he hears 'I know your feet are on my couch!'
Stopping in the hallway she looks through to the dining room, spotting something. 'What the hell is the Christmas tree still doing here? He said he'd take care of it.' Bucky calls out, 'he asked me to.' Amelia rubs her back, staring at it, debating if she can drag it outside. 'So, are you going to? Sort it, I mean.' There's silence, only the TV murmuring lowly, he eventually throws out to her 'yeah, can do.' Amelia groans, the browning tree collapsed across the dining room floor. Turning away, pretending she never saw it for the sake of her blood pressure.
She takes the steps slowly, tugging her shirt from her skirt and kicking a toy horse to one side that is casually abandoned on the stairs. She thinks how she just needs more time, time to relax, time to clean up toys, time to cook, time to rest.
The bedroom is pristine, evidence that Steve was there at some point. The bed is made to military precision, ironed clothes hanging on the door. Amelia yawns, removing her work badge and tossing it on the dressing table, she doesn't care like Steve does. She looks at her smiley face on the pass from day one, all those years back. She thinks of the peppy excitement she had for the job and now all she can think about is Richard. Richard and his white teeth, his misogynistic comments, his… 'ughh, stop.' She's had enough of work, she thinks back to her lunch break spent with a woman from sports, two floors down, who constantly boasted the great benefits of folic acid for the weak pregnant folk.
Amelia eventually climbs into the shower and sighs out, looking to the ceiling and stepping under the hot spray. Closing her eyes, she thinks once again about work and what tomorrow has in store for her, another boring guest, a dull segment, a beauty regime, a fad diet. She questions why she doesn't love it like she used to, maybe being on the other side of it makes you realise it's not all fun and games. Cameras watching you, strangers prying into your life. She thinks of Richard once more and grimaces, he certainly has a hunger for hot news, one that she's not sure she ever had. She's convinced he will do whatever to get what he wants.
She groans audibly and tries to distract herself with thoughts of all the happy times spent with Steve in the shower. She suddenly feels like she could cry thinking about him, his soft hands and loving kisses, she's not even sure where he is right now, just "work."
She really thought this time there would be someone to rub her aching feet and persuade her, 'no, you don't look fat.' Instead she comes home to someone else's boyfriend, who looks terrified at the notion of rubbing aching feet and hasn't moved the dead Christmas tree.
She leans against the tiled wall and jumps a little at the coolness, bending to reach for her shampoo. She hisses in pain, as something grips and hurts. She stills and readjusts, standing and squirting the creamy liquid into her hand, rubbing it into her hair and smiling, thinking about the strawberry smell, Rosie's choice.
She steps back under the water and allows the foam to wash away, gently reopening her eyes deliberately, to avoid dripping shampoo. As she looks at her feet she notices pink, marbled swirls in the water. She stares at it and her heart begins to race. She checks her hands, the shampoo a thick creamy white. Looking back down, it washes away quickly, clear water bathing her feet. She shakes herself as if she dreamt it, desperately bracing one hand and reaching the other between her legs, praying everything is ok. Looking at her hand she can see darker swirls and saturated red.
Amelia once again reaches for herself, staring at watery blood dripping from her finger tips. It washes away and she cries out as it vanishes and she wonders if it was ever there at all. She hopes it's a nightmare. She's panting with panic and once again reaches down, seeing more red, a deeper, stronger red. She fumbles for the nozzle and turns the water off, throwing the glass door open and stumbling out, grabbing a towel. She scrubs at herself and cries out when she sees the white towel stained with her blood. She's desperate to know where it's coming from, what's happening to her.
Her breathing is rapid and she anxiously calls for Bucky. He doesn't answer, she screams louder, a shrill desperate cry of his name. She can hear him somewhere, storming closer, chanting her name back, 'Mia, Amelia, are you ok? What's going on? Amelia?' The door separates them and Amelia cries, 'no, something is happening, there's blood, it's everywhere.' Bucky tries the door and it's locked, 'you need to let me in, Amelia, right now.' She nods to herself, holding the towel to her front and lunging for the lock, almost in sync with the click of the lock, it opens and a startled eyed Bucky stares at her. He grasps her arms and pulls her close, 'it's ok, it's fine, we will go to the hospital. Everything's fine.' She nods against his chest, her wet hair and tears, mixing into his shirt. She looks down at herself, relieved not to see a pool of it, her mind imagines a puddle of red, a trail down her thigh. She feels faint with fear.
As Bucky steps back, his eyes lower and he notices blood on the towel. He swallows deeply and as she starts to look down again, he asks her, 'can you get dressed? And I'll drive us, ok? I will take your car.' He grips her arms, making firm eye contact. Amelia nods and as he starts to leave she grabs his hand, she's wet and so cold. 'Get Steve, please, just get Steve. I don't know where he is… he's… I…' Bucky nods and tells her to wrap up, stepping into her bedroom. He sighs, swallowing desperately, before springing back to life.
Bucky rushes around his friend's room, digging through her drawers, snatching a hoodie from her bedpost and joggers from an ottoman. A pale Amelia wanders into the room and he goes to her, pushing wet, lank hair from her face. He bends to her eye level 'Amelia, you need to hurry up, here, get dressed.' Amelia stares past him, looking to the bed, she doesn't accept the clothes 'what if there's no point? What if she's, what if… gone?' Bucky shakes his head fiercely at her, gripping her tightly 'there's always a point, come on, I'll help you.' He grabs the joggers and bends, offering them for her to step into. She balances on his shoulder and does as she's told. Bucky shimmies them past her hips and Amelia stands awkwardly, silently crying, 'my tummy hurts. Something's wrong.' Bucky ignores his own feelings churning inside, 'I know. But it will be ok. Here, lift your arms up.' She drops the towel to the floor and follows his instructions. 'Good girl, your sneakers are by the door, right? Ok? Let's go.' Amelia clutches his arm, whispering, 'Bucky, I'm so scared.'
Bucky thinks, me too. His voice is firm, 'Amelia, you've got this, we've got this, but we need to go and now.' He peers back at the room and swoops down, grabbing the bloodied towel and slinging it into the bathroom. Bucky follows her as she shuffles to the lounge. He pushes her along with comforting words, halfway down the stairs she looks like she might turn back. Muttering about making a fuss, 'maybe it's nothing, I think it's ok, I'll just get some sleep.'
He gives her a gentle tug down the last two steps and snatches her shoes up, ripping the laces apart and demanding she puts them on, while he hunts for some keys. Amelia is dazed and puts both hands inside her sweater, rubbing her belly from within the pocket. 'Ready?' She nods, his blue eyes begging her to follow him, 'great, well done, Amelia. Let's go. I got you.'
19:55
Steve glances down at his phone and smiles at Amelia's name and the sweet photo she added of herself, pouting and eating pancakes. He grins as he answers, 'hey, how was the big interview?' There's silence on the other end and then a deep breath, 'Steve?'
Steve's heart halts in his chest, wondering why Bucky would call from her phone.
'Steve? Look, its Amelia, something's happened. There was some blood, and umm, we are at the hospital.' Steve interrupts him in panic, 'what do you mean blood?' Steve has a vision of her slicing a finger rather than a carrot or knocking her head in the blasted cupboard under the stairs.
'She had a shower after work and she called me in, she was bleeding, it was everyw… there was a lot, I got her out and drove us to the hospital, we are just waiting for a scan.' Steve doesn't say anything, his face scrunching in utter confusion, she was fine this morning, tired, but fine and now… He stops, his heart feeling like it's dislodged and plummeted to the ground 'the baby?' Steve chokes the words out and again Bucky exhales, 'they can't tell much at the moment, they did some checks, they seem positive but they need to do a scan, we are just waiting.' Steve nods to himself, like his friend can see him. 'Look, Steve, you need to get here, Amelia… she's not doing too good. I don't know what…' Steve feels a flash of anger, that his friend thinks he might not put her first, assuring 'I'm coming, send me the details right now.'
Bucky returns from his phone call and spots Amelia, sat in the waiting room. She's pulled her hood up and is staring into her lap. People looking over at her with concern and intrigue, as she rocks slightly. Her laces are tucked inside her shoes, her shoulders damp from her wet hair.
Bucky sits down beside her, trying to be as calm as possible, 'I thought you might have been called in by now.' Amelia scoffs, mumbling lowly, 'apparently they have more important things to do…' Bucky looks up at the rushing doctors and nurses and knows that's not true. He doesn't know what to offer, looking around there's plenty people waiting to be seen. They are all very interested in each other, watching as a new person arrives and then there's Amelia, she just looks terrified. 'They offered me a bed, but I want to wait for Steve. I am fine here.' Bucky nods, thinking she's foolish for saying no. 'How, umm, how's the pain now?' Amelia sniffs beside him, she struggles to catch her breath in-between silent sobs racking her body. Bucky doesn't know what to do, what to offer. Nodding to himself and sitting back beside her. He stares ahead and closes his eyes, wiping his face, no idea what to do or say.
'I messaged Andi, told her you had some discomfort, that we've gone to the hospital.' Amelia inhales deeply, whispering 'thank you.' Bucky debates his next move and slowly offers his hand for her to take. She grasps it desperately, 'thank you for driving me.' Bucky wants to laugh at her timing, 'you're welcome, but don't thank me again.'
Amelia wipes her nose on the inside of her sweater, sighing, she croaks 'I had one job, Bucky. Just one person to look after. What if I failed at that?' Bucky stares down at their hands. He gently squeezes it and smiles up at her, trying to reach her eyes, from under her hood. 'I don't know anyone who cares about everything and everyone more than you do, there's no way you've failed, whatever the outcome, whatever happens.' Amelia doesn't believe him, shaking his hand away at his kind words. He swings an arm over the back of the chair and she slouches against him. 'I can't lose… I can't. I'm scared.' Bucky nods against her, 'I know, me too.' Amelia doesn't know if that makes her feel better or worse, that he's scared as well.
They go silent, looking up as a nurse calls someone else in.
Amelia quietly mutters, 'you remember as a kid, you would whack your head and it would really hurt, it would sting and you'd slowly reach up… but there was never any blood. It was never as bad as it felt.' Bucky laughs a little, agreeing with a silent nod. Amelia continues, 'but then today there was blood. It was my turn. So much blood.' Bucky opens his mouth to say something, anything. Her eyes are wide and blood shot, there's black makeup down her cheeks and her limp hair is drying into lank curls. "What if I did this? What if I'm the problem, I'm broken, just one job…'
Amelia looks past Bucky, her eyes widening before he can answer her question. He peers over and spots Steve at the desk, waving him across, eventually shouting his name.
Steve rushes across to the pair, bending in front of Amelia and pulling her tight to him. Bucky watches them and then catches the numerous eyes on them, all but growling at one occupant.
Steve crouches before her, slowly stroking her hood down, clasping her cheeks. 'Hey, hey, I'm here, I'm here. You're ok. It will be ok.' Amelia cries loudly when she sees Steve, leaning into him and throwing herself against him. She grips his shoulders, her nails digging in desperately. Steve glances down at her damp clothes and Bucky's jacket over her shoulders. Amelia is inconsolable, rambling endlessly, throwing questions and explanations at Steve.
'I'm so sorry, so sorry, what if she's gone? It's my fault, please don't hate me.' Amelia sobs and Steve wipes her hair softly, 'you have nothing to be sorry about, everything will be fine, it's fine. Look at me, Amelia, look at me. Amelia?' She turns away from him and tries to interrupt, 'Amelia? Amelia.' He is stern with her and she looks up at him suddenly, 'I trust you to look after our baby, you've done nothing wrong, okay? There's no one in this world I trust more than you.' She nods slowly, trying to hear his words, 'thank you for coming, I needed you here, I'm so sorry about work.' Steve looks down at her horrified, 'fuck work.' Bucky raises his eyebrows from his spot in the waiting room, people looking over with interest.
Steve kisses her hands, as they wring repeatedly. Bucky and Steve share a nod, as he holds her tightly. Bucky confirms, 'we came as quick as we could, just waiting to be called back in.'
A nurse appears, 'Miss Miller?' Bucky is shocked at that timing. Amelia wipes her nose in a flurry and waves a hand, 'that's me.' She's out of her seat before any more is said. She grips Steve's hand and they both leave solemnly, following behind the nurse. Amelia turns to Bucky, 'wait here?' He nods and watches them pad away, sinking into his seat and leaning forward to cover his face with his hands, 'shit.'
…
Steve helps Amelia onto the reclining chair, she lies back and crosses eight of her fingers in pairs, something she did as a child, her thumbs wriggling free. She can hear chanting in her head, please be there. Please be there. Steve sits down beside her, pulling a chair close and stroking more damp hair from her eyes.
But they don't speak.
The nurse arrives back in the room, greeting them softly, 'Amelia, I'm nurse Dayton and I've been asked to give you a scan and see what's happening, I understand you had some bleeding?' Amelia nods quickly, looking to Steve for reassurance. 'Uh, yeah, I had a shower after work and there was a little blood, when I put my hand there, there was quite a bit, I think it's stopped, I've checked four times since we arrived and the doctor before, he said it had stopped. He said it's common, I dunno, I tried to listen…' The nurse smiles sympathetically, 'that's ok, let's take a look.'
She prepares the equipment, and Steve reminds Amelia, 'everything will be fine, no matter what.' Amelia nods half-heartedly, staring at the ceiling and missing the happy flying elephants from her clinic visits.
'Ok, this is going to be cold.' She squirts the gel onto Amelia's swollen stomach and she hisses at the chill. Steve grips her hand tighter. Amelia is panicked, 'can you see it like that?' The nurse smiles comfortingly, 'at this stage, over the belly is fine and more pleasant for you.' Steve and Amelia both stare at the monitor eagerly. Steve coughs, squinting 'uh, what are we looking for?' The nurse keeps focus on the screen, kindly offering 'we are looking for a heartbeat.' A cold chill rushes over Steve and he just kisses Amelia's hand.
Amelia gives up on the screen and looks to the ceiling, she remembers her scans with Rosie. Being told it was a girl, shrugging at her shrieking, excitable sister, not really knowing how she felt. She knows that couldn't be further from the truth this time. Since telling Steve, she's gone all in. She wants to be a mom again, things aren't perfect, but she's as ready as ever.
She considers praying, the old fashioned line rattling around her brain 'God, I know I only do this when I want something…' She remembers praying every night for a month after her parents said they were divorcing. She bites her lip, suppressing another sob. She hopes someone can hear her pleas, anyone.
Steve stares intently at the screen, it reminds him of sonar and he tries to read what he can, but to no avail. He's nobody here, he's no hero. He's a dad. He watches Amelia tear at her bottom lip, fearful her teeth might pierce through. He strokes a calming thumb over her white knuckles and he tries to ignore the voice taunting him inside his head. Where were you? He feels confused. She just went for a shower, how did they end up here?
The nurse looks between the frightened couple, refocusing on the screen.
Amelia clenches every part of her body, convinced this is over, the nurse is going to tell her that, any moment now.
A gentle thump repeatedly sounds in the room. Steve looks up, expecting something to happen. Amelia remains still, holding her breath.
The nurse exhales, gradually turning the volume up higher, 'and there we go, a very strong heartbeat.'
Steve snaps his gaze to the screen, breathing out and watching the image. Amelia forces her eyes closed, trying to contain the tears spilling from her. Steve shakes her hand, encouraging her to look and she can't bring herself to. She'd pretty much given up on their baby girl. Convinced it was over. She feels guilt washed with relief.
'The doctor will be in to chat about the bleeding, but it's not uncommon at this stage and everything looks fine. We will likely keep an eye on you, more regular scans and such, but there doesn't appear to be anything there to worry about at this time.'
Steve exhales, thanking the nurse profusely, while Amelia slowly focuses on the screen, an image of their little girl staring back. She can hear the nurse talking, but she can't find the focus to listen. Staring intently at the black and white image of the sonogram. Amelia rudely interrupts the nurse, 'when will I feel her kick again?' The nurse answers her question politely and once again Amelia zones out, 'why did this happen?' There's an air of accusation to her tone and Steve gently calls her name, 'there's no way of really knowing at this time, like I said it's not uncommon. But I understand it's a very upsetting event for you both.' Amelia bites her lip angrily and nods. The nurse offers to print them a scan and Steve gratefully accepts. Amelia sits up and spins around on the chair pulling her sweater down over her blossoming bump. She gently strokes her tummy and quickly drops her hand.
When she looks up again the nurse is gone, Steve sits beside her, still and unmoving, gradually coming back to life 'shit,' he exhales in exhaustion, wiping his face. Amelia looks over at him, offering nothing. 'That was horrendous, I've never been so scared' he quickly jumps up and stands in front of her, cradling her face. 'Are you ok? She's alright, she's ok. I can't believe this, I was prepared for the worst.' Amelia scowls at him, thinking he gave up on her. He kisses the top of her head and pulls her close, 'we'll go home soon, ok?' Amelia hums in agreement against his shirt. Steve sniffs above her and she doesn't dare check if he's crying, knowing there's nothing she can offer him.
Steve pulls back, still holding her face, 'you didn't do this, you know that?' Amelia's brow pinches, she wonders how he knows her thoughts. 'You saw her, she's fine. Like the nurse said, not uncommon.' Amelia shakes free from him and stands, intimating she's ready to go. 'Amelia, we need to see the doctor, remember?' Steve looks perplexed by her behaviour, feeling only joy himself. She sits back down with a thump, 'of course I remember!' She snaps bitterly.
Steve retakes his seat, dragging it closer to her. 'I should go tell Bucky, Andi will want to know.' Amelia nods sombrely, 'know what?' Steve looks confused, 'that everything is ok.' Amelia slaps her hand on the hospital bed, 'don't! Stop saying that, everything is not ok.' Steve tries to reach for her hand, but she snatches it away, he speaks softly 'I can't imagine what that was like for you, but she is ok, they just told us.'
Amelia stares at the ground, quietly admitting 'I can't feel her.' Steve leans in, 'sorry? I can't hear you?' Amelia speaks louder and forcefully, 'I cannot feel our baby, Steve. She's hasn't kicked since I ate a fucking burrito with Natalie, two whole days ago. I should have noticed, I keep replaying the last two days, but nothing.' Steve swallows deeply, trying to remain unaffected, 'ok, well, the nurse just said that's fine, maybe she's sleepy?' Amelia scoffs at his poor attempts to make her feel better. Steve wipes his face and sighs, 'Amelia, what will it take for you to believe me?' She can hear the nurse in the hallway directing someone to their room and she lies back down, 'you can't do anything, I need to feel her move.' Steve stares at Amelia, having never seen her like this, not knowing what to offer at this point. 'I'm sorry I wasn't there for you,' Amelia laughs bitterly, 'please, don't make this about us.'
Another doctor enters and introduces himself, quickly taking a seat to discuss what happened.
23:30
Steve leaves Amelia on a bench in a hallway, passing her a paper cup of water. 'I'll be back, ok?' She doesn't move or respond. He doubts himself, but quickly walks to the waiting area. Spotting Bucky and nodding for him to go over.
'Hey, well?' Bucky holds his breath until Steve confirms, 'she's ok, they both are, they suspected it was something to do with the placenta at first, I've got the… Amelia's got some flyers, but they think it was just a one off, so who knows.' Bucky puts both hands above his head, exhaling. 'That's good. That's really good. Right?' Steve suddenly pulls him into a hug, 'thank you, for getting them here, for being there.' Bucky can hear the worry in his best friend's voice, 'I did what anyone would do, don't beat yourself up, could have happened whenever.' Steve pulls away, sniffing, 'we are leaving now, we've been here almost three hours, you should have gone.' Bucky holds firm, 'no, I promised her I would wait.' Steve agrees, 'ok, umm, well, let Andi know, will you? Are you two ok to keep Rosie tonight? We will see where we are tomorrow?' Bucky agrees, 'sure, whatever you need, how's she holding up?' He nods down the hall and Steve looks back, unable to see her due to the staff traffic. 'I don't know, but she'll be ok.' Steve starts to back away, 'do me a favour, don't mention it to Rosie, I'm not sure what we are going to say yet.' Bucky's words die on his tongue, he just watches as Steve leave, strolling back to Amelia without a proper goodbye.
23:55
Bucky steps off the elevator at the communal floor, he looks up, surprised to see a room of people waiting for him. There's silence and they watch him closely. Natasha stands up from the couch, folding her arms and asking him seriously, 'Barnes, what's the situation?' Bucky nods, not expecting the welcoming party. As he steps closer, Clint pulls away from the wall he is leaning against and Tony enters from the kitchen. Sam is sat on the sofa, Wanda and Vision opposite him. All eyes are on Bucky, he wipes his face, 'Amelia had some bleeding, I took her to the hospital, they suspect it's just a one off, there was discussion of something more, but at this point they aren't too concerned. She's ok.' The eyes still peer at him and he elaborates 'and so is the baby.' There's exhales of relief around the room, 'Steve is with her.' Natasha nods, Tony steps forward 'well, that's good news, best we could hope for, right?' There's weak mumbling and agreements from around the room, everyone a little shocked and upset. 'Poor Steve and Amelia,' Wanda worries aloud. Bucky looks at her but doesn't say anything. 'Andi will be here soon with Rosie, they need a place to stay. Amelia is not in a good way, she needs some space. We need to help where we can.' Natasha looks concerned, Clint asking 'what can we do?' Bucky wipes a hand through his hair, 'nothing, there's nothing we can do tonight.'
The group slowly disperse and Bucky moves off before anyone can ask him anymore, he has nothing else to add. He hears Natasha try to tell him something, but he can't. Opening his apartment door, he stops. A small pair of sneakers beside the entrance. He stares at them, realising Rosie is already here and instantly his mind starts retracing tonight's events. His stomach plummets as he replays bracing against Amelia's bathroom door. Bursting in and the sight of blood stained towels strewn over the floor. He hopes he did everything right, maybe he could have driven quicker, or not driven at all and called an ambulance. The apartment is dark and silent, just a glow from a lamp somewhere. He can hear murmurings, Andi reading to Rosie and the occasional giggle from the little girl, the world feeling just a little lighter…
AN: Ok, so I know this was tough in places, but I don't want to paint everything as rosie and wanted to explore this and the affect it will have on everyone. I know last week was super light and fluffy and there will be more of that, loads more, but that's not life. And part 2 is tougher all round.
I'm not a Dr and I just wrote to the best of my experience, but it's not perfect etc.
It was a situation that I hadn't really read Steve or Bucky being in.
Thank you for reading. Next week there are some very sweet bits, as well as some tougher parts and impacts from this chapter.
Stay safe x
