Lots of JK dialogue. Not mine. Otherwise I'd be rich.
Severus turned to Albus with a haunted look on his face.
"You're dying," he said quietly and without emotion.
Albus inclined his head slowly and gave a grim smile which only served to annoy Severus even further. "Most definitely. How long do you think I have?"
Severus sighed and wiped a sweaty hand down his face. "It's difficult to say. Maybe a year… it's the sort of curse that strengthens over time. Serena's spell may have given you a few more months, but we both know what this kind of curse means."
Strangely, Albus smiled at this and inclined his head towards Severus. "I am fortunate, extremely fortunate, that I have you, Severus."
"If you had only called me a little sooner I might have been able to do more!"
Through the corner of his eye he caught sight of the broken ring and the glint of the sword that Serena had missed poking out of Albus' enlarged pocket. "Why? Why did you put on the goddam ring?"
"I was a fool," Albus muttered, looking into the distance unseeingly. "Sorely tempted…"
"Tempted by what?" When Albus didn't reply Severus growled and raised his hands in exasperation. "Did you think that breaking the ring would break the curse? Or that wearing it would somehow stop the magic? For fucks sake Albus, were you really that stupid?"
"I was delirious… no doubt," Albus suddenly sat up a little taller and smiled. "Well this makes things much more straightforward."
Severus frowned, fed up of Albus' word games, and slung himself heavily into a chair opposite him. "Meaning?"
"I refer to the plan Lord Voldemort is revolving around me. His plan to have the poor Malfoy boy murder me."
Severus rubbed his mark absentmindedly, whilst looking at the ring. He opened his mouth to protest but Albus raised a hand to stop him. He rolled his eyes.
"Fine," he muttered, succumbing to Albus' choice of conversation. "The Dark Lord does not expect Draco to succeed. He is merely punishing Lucius for the fuck up at the Ministry."
"In short, the boy has a death sentence placed upon him as surely as I have. Now, I assume his successor will be yourself?"
Severus rubbed his eyes as the memory of the Dark Lord's plan slipped back into his mind.
Yes, he thought dully. The Dark Lord had only trusted himself, Narcissa and Draco with the plan. Cissy had almost fainted. Draco was her only son and it was very clear that the Dark Lord had given him a task he could only fail. Lucius would pay the price very dearly indeed.
"That, I think, is the Dark Lord's plan. Obviously I won't be-"
"He foresees a time when the school will be in his grasp?" Albus interrupted.
Severus gave a curt nod.
"I have your word then, that if it does, you will do all in your power to protect the students of Hogwarts?"
Severus gritted his teeth and gave a stiff nod. This was just another binding promise Albus had forced upon him.
"Good, now then, firstly we need to help Draco, offer him advice, he likes you-"
"-much less since his Father lost favour."
"Well, ultimately, there is only one thing to be done to save him from Lord Voldemort's wrath."
Severus raised his eyebrows and sneered. "Are you intending to let him kill you?"
"Certainly not. You must kill me."
Severus was silent. His mind was spinning and he hated being out of control of his thoughts. He found he had to remind himself to breathe. Somehow, somehow he'd known this would be Albus' solution.
"Would you like me to do it now?" he said eventually in an ironic tone. "Or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?"
He felt as though he was in someone else's body, looking down at this ridiculous, unbelievable, improbable scene. Here he was, the master spy, being asked to kill one of his masters to please the other. He knew he had no choice. Severus was but a pawn in this game, but he wasn't on the board alone anymore, and his queen wouldn't be dragged down with him too.
"If you don't mind dying," Severus said roughly, his fists clenching tightly at his sides, "why not let Draco do it?"
"That boy's soul is not yet so damaged, I would not have it ripped apart on my account."
"And my soul, Dumbledore? Mine?"
"You alone know whether it will harm your soul to help an old man avoid pain and humiliation."
"Pain and humiliation? And my pain? This will mean the end of my life too."
"Severus," Albus sighed infuriatingly. "You have never before given much worth to your life."
Severus hissed. "And you know why that has changed. What about Serena's soul?" Severus almost whispered. "What about her soul when she hears that the man she sees as a Father is dead and that HER OWN HUSBAND KILLED HIM!"
Albus did not even flinch at Severus' rage, he merely watched as Severus flung himself out of his chair and stalked to the window, unable to look at those calm, blue eyes a second longer.
A long silence stretched out between them, punctured only by Fawkes rolling around in the ashes.
Severus knew what was happening, or what had happened, he corrected bitterly. It was too late to change it, after all. Severus was a tool, a weapon, a number, an object, and no matter how worthless he felt sometimes, he did know that he was the only one that could end this. Killing Albus would secure his place in the Dark Lord's ranks. He would be number two. He would be able to guide him and finally finally relay real information to the Order. Not that they would be speaking to him, of course, but he could find a way to do it secretly. Three years ago, everything would have been that easy to him. Those would have been his only thoughts… but now…
"So?" he said abruptly, turning back to Albus who was surveying him with such calmness that Severus wanted to stalk back over there and hit the old man. "What would you have me do with her? Once I've killed you, will she join the Death Eaters with me? Ready to be raped and abused by the Dark Lord's followers? Or shall she just be an Order outcast? Abandoned by all her friends? Jobless? Depressed?" He hesitated and then swallowed hard, "divorced?"
"You could explain to Serena what-"
"Nothing will come of explaining!" Severus snapped harshly. "Don't kid yourself as you always do! When I kill you, Serena will be my accomplice whether she knew about it or not. She will never be able to tell anyone. The Order will never believe that she did not know that I was a Death Eater all along! Never! Not unless-" Severus cut off suddenly and turned back towards the window as those dark, haunting thoughts crossed his mind. Was this what it had come down to? Was this the only way? He'd known he had always been destined for a miserable life, and he hadn't deserved anything less, but now he had tasted paradise it was so much more difficult to accept that he had to throw it away.
"I will do it," he said eventually, in a rough, gravelly voice. "On one condition. Serena will know nothing of our arrangement. She is not to know you are dying. She believes that Fawkes will keep regenerating every time the curse overpowers you. She thinks you are cured. I will tell her when the time is right, but you won't mention it to her at all. She has just lost another friend this month, she won't grieve for you as well."
Severus looked at his own reflection in the window. His face was gaunt and pale and his dark eyes stuck out against his white face and thin lips. When he eventually turned to face Albus, the Headmaster's eyes were sad and disappointed. Severus hated him more than ever.
"I agree with your conditions, Severus… so you agree to end my suffering, when the time is right?"
Severus gave a curt nod and set his future firmly in stone.
…
He was a fucking mess. Hiding in his basement because it was the only place that Wormtail couldn't spy on him. So here he was, a bottle of firewhiskey down, fighting the urge to cry like a fucking little girl because he was about to destroy the only thing he had ever loved in his entire life.
He had started to hope, he realised bitterly, he had started to actually project and think and imagine and nothing was more dangerous. He blamed himself. He blamed her. And he blamed that stupid fucking baby who had awoken in him something he had buried deep within himself for years.
But there was no hope now. Albus had seemed to that. Albus fucking Dumbledore. The man that would rip his life apart, take away his love, lose him his friends, and earn him the hatred of the entire wizarding world. Not that he cared about the others.
Don't you, though? His infuriating mind taunted him, bringing up images of Minerva and Remus. Two people he could actually call his friends.
But there was no doubt or negotiation. He was to be loathed and then killed by one side or the other, in the end.
And Albus… There were two things in the world that Severus did not think he could live without: Albus and Serena.
Albus, whatever Severus felt, despite the periodic hatred and frustration and fury… Albus was still the only father figure that Severus had ever had… And now he wasn't only going to lose him, he was going to murder him and be forced to laugh about it, instead of mourning the loss.
And Serena… Severus took another huge gulp of the firewhiskey and blinked back the hot stinging in his eyes. Serena. Serena. His love. His wife. His everything. How could he leave her? How could he make her hate him when she loved him so dearly?
You're more than capable, a cool voice inside his mind said pointedly. It was true, he thought. He was cruel and cold and vicious when he wanted to be. He would push her away and make her feel relieved to be rid of him. But was he strong enough to bear it? Could you watch her suffering and know he could stop it? Could he cause her pain willingly?
Better pain now than later, he tried to convince himself.
Either way, their relationship would be over within the year, that was set in stone. So why wait? Surely if he pulled away from her now, slowly, whilst she was surrounded by her friends, it would be better than a brutal betrayal in six months' time. For when Severus would be forced to kill Dumbledore, Serena would never understand and would never forgive him, and it was imperative that she didn't. He had to convince the Order that something had changed and that they were no longer a couple. If the Order saw that Serena turned against him too, perhaps they would accept her ignorance later on. Perhaps they would believe that she had no hand in it. Perhaps they would keep her in their midst.
Severus grabbed the jar of lionfish spines from the shelf behind him and launched it across the room, watching as the glass smashed against the stone wall and the small bones bounced off his desk, splattering salt water everywhere.
He roared in anger as he grabbed another jar and threw it to mix with the first. It was unfair! His mind screamed at him. Unjust! Maddening! Cruel! Vicious!
He didn't deserve better, he knew that, but he had been doing everything in his power to redeem himself for his actions as a young man and he had just thought…
He roared again and another jar joined the others. He recognised the rich liquid trickling down the wall as the honey from the golden bees which they had collected together on their honeymoon.
Severus' eyes stung and he blinked his pathetic tears away. He clenched his fists to try and stop the emotion but it was too difficult and he could feel the hot droplets dripping shamefully down his nose. His hands were shaking, his body was trembling, his chest was tightening and his lungs constricting and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't gulp in air, he couldn't draw a breath, he'd forgotten how to breath. His eyes were bulging, he pointed his wand at his throat, but there was nothing blocking it, he beat his ribs with a clenched fist but still he couldn't breathe, he hit himself again and again and he could feel his head getting dizzy, his vision began to swim, and all of this because of Serena.
Serena.
He heaved in the stuffy dungeon air as though he had died and come back to life. His throat made great rasping sounds as he sucked the air down his windpipe and pumped his lungs once more, breathing heavily and unsure, as though any breath could be his last. He wheezed and coughed and snot ran into his mouth. He wiped it away with the back of his hand and wasn't surprised to see more tears mixed in with his mess.
Half an hour later, he was curled up in the foetal position on the stone floor of his lab, trying to breath normally and contain his occasional sobs. He was pathetic. He was worthless. He was nothing but filth.
It took a further ten minutes before his legs would allow him to stand. He stumbled across the room to his foe glass, taking another large swig of whiskey to try and calm his nerves. He could see a squat figure with white eyes behind him, and he knew the glass was showing him Wormtail. Otherwise, the many other figures that swirled around behind his reflection were blurry and undetectable.
He forced himself to focus on his own face. His eyes were red and rimmed. His skin was a strange, sallow, yellow colour, as it had been in the previous war, and his hair was greasy and limp. He could see the thin line of a scar over his left eyebrow and his lips were cracked and dry. He looked old. He looked worn. He looked disgusting.
Severus looked around his laboratory, supressing the memories of Serena deep into the dungeons of his mind palace. He was on his own now, and he had a plan to put in place.
