Very sorry for the delay. Computer issues. Enjoy! And thanks for reading, as always.
Serena had sat up half the night before she realised that Severus wasn't coming.
The others had bombarded her with questions on her return, but she didn't know what she was allowed to share, other than the fact that Albus had been gravely injured and that with Severus they had managed to save him.
She had written to Severus in their diaries, but he hadn't replied, or hadn't read it, and so at three o' clock in the morning she turned out her wand light and slid a little deeper into her bed.
She didn't see him again until two days after Albus' incident. When she had spoken to Albus about it, he had merely said they had needed to discuss his treatment and that he had wanted to discuss a few things man to man with Severus. Serena would have believed him except that he couldn't look her in the eye.
Two days later, she was hurrying downstairs with a crying Lavinia held tightly between her arms. "It's okay baby girl," she murmured, bouncing her up and down slightly as she entered the kitchen. "We'll get you some- Severus?"
Severus, who had been bending over the map of safe houses with Moody straightened at once and surveyed her and Lavinia with an air of disinterest.
"Are my suggestions feasible?" he said in a low drawl, his expressionless eyes fixed upon her.
It took her a moment to realise that he wasn't talking to her.
"Aye," Moody said, nodding, "I'll see what I can do. It all depends on the McMillian's though."
"Indeed," Severus said quietly. "If you'll excuse me, I have places to be."
Serena gave him a small smile as he walked towards her and realised to late that he wasn't going to stop. "Sev-"
"I am late," he said shortly, before his gaze turned to Lavinia who was now sobbing loudly. "And you clearly have your hands full with more… pressing matters."
"We need to talk about-"
"Another time," he interrupted quietly, before side-stepping her and hurrying out of the kitchen.
She frowned and then turned to see Moody who was watching her suspiciously. She scowled at him and went to prepare Vinnie's breakfast.
It was three more days until the next full Order meeting. The Order members gathered in droves in the kitchen and Serena took her usual place at the back, waiting for Severus to join her. Surprisingly, when he entered, he didn't even bother looking around the room, he kept his head down and took a seat at the table, which he rarely did, sandwiched between Moody and Minerva, his back to her.
She frowned. She couldn't even send him a mind message or a smile and she couldn't help thinking that his choice of seat was calculated. Severus never did anything without using his brain first.
Albus laughed off his black hand, told them all it was a wonderful story but that it would have to wait for another time, and moved on to talk about Harry Potter. She was relieved when Albus explained to the room that he would be moving Harry to the Burrow this weekend, and that they would no longer need to be covering him from that weekend. The team that had been watching Miss Granger's muggle house would also be able to stand down as she, too, was joining Harry at the Weasley's.
She had to endure Hagrid's report on the giant rampage which, thanks to Samuel's obliviating team, they had managed to convince muggles was a hurricane, and listen to Minerva talking about the bridge collapse, all the while trying to get Severus' attention. She coughed twice before Moody turned to glare at her, and she didn't dare try anything more obvious.
When Albus closed the meeting, Serena hurried through the crowd to Severus, who had turned and was already heading towards the door, a stony expression on his face. She followed him up the stairs, wondering if he was leading her to a more private place, but when they emerged into the hallway, she realised he didn't plan on stopping.
"Severus, wait?"
He froze and turned around slowly, his face and eyes void of all expression.
She approached him cautiously. "Hey," she said softly, searching his face and looking for any clues to indicate how he was. "I haven't seen you properly since what happened to Albus."
Severus inclined his head in acknowledgment. "Albus must take seven different potions a day. I admit that with my other… work, my time is rather limited."
"That's okay, I understand," she said softly, noting how tired he looked. "Is there anything I can do to make your life easier?"
A strange expression flashed across Severus' face, something that looked like humour and fear, but then his features smoothed over as usual and she wondered if she had imagined it.
"No," he said shortly. "I must go."
Serena reached out her fingers to brush his cheek, but he jerked back quickly and scowled. "I must go," he repeated, before turning on the spot, reaching the door and apparating away.
Serena stared sadly at the spot where he had disappeared. War was hard.
…
It didn't take her long to work it out this time. All the signs were there. Every clue pointed towards what she had feared. But after he had shrugged off her presence a fourth time a week later, she was resigned to what was happening. Severus was pushing her away again.
"Good afternoon Albus," she said sweetly, peering around the door of his office at Grimmauld Place. The old wizard looked up from his handsome mahogany desk and smiled at her warmly.
"Serena, my dear."
"May I take up five minutes of your time?"
"Of course." He stood up and gestured to the plush chintz armchair on the opposite side of the desk. With another extravagant wave of his hand a large platter of biscuits settled in between them. They made Serena feel sick.
"How are you Albus? Are you recovering well?"
"I am," he said cheerfully, turning his charred, blackened hand back and forth in the light. "I take several potions a day and I feel better and better. I have learnt from my foolish mistakes."
"What happened Albus?"
Ah," he surveyed her over his glasses with sparkling, occluded eyes. "But my dear, such a tale will take more than five minutes, it must wait, I'm afraid."
She nodded and tried to smile, keeping her own occlumency shields fixed firmly in place. "Albus, I have a few questions I need to ask you," she said calmly, staring intently into his blue eyes and watching closely for any sign he was lying or avoiding the truth. "That night, after I left… I need to know what you spoke to Severus about."
Albus had the nerve to look slightly bemused. "But Serena, that is between myself and Severus. Surely he would share such information with you if he saw fit-"
"Albus," she interrupted, forcing herself to keep her tone polite. "You know very well that whatever happened between the two of you has changed him. You can see that his behaviour has changed, you're not blind, now, as his wife, I need to know-"
"Serena, we had a simple discussion about my treatment-"
"Don't lie to me, Albus," she warned through gritted teeth. "You know very well, I know you do, and I am asking you very politely to tell me. Severus is pushing me away. You know what this will do to him. Severus can not be alone, Severus can not be allowed to close in on himself and start down that slippery slope to self-loathing. He just can't. He is too important to your cause and he is too important to me!"
Albus' eyes had stopped twinkling and his hands which had been reaching towards a biscuit were now folded across his chest, the blackness hidden by his dark blue robes. "I can't help you,' he said simply. "You are imagining secrets where there are none."
Albus jumped as Serena's hand slammed down onto his desk. Her hand throbbed and she ground her teeth together to stop the insults from pouring out of her mouth.
She took a deep breath through her nose and sighed. "Albus," she said tightly in a calmer tone, "This is my marriage."
Albus smiled.
Serena nearly hit the desk again.
"I'm afraid I really don't know what you're talking about, dear."
With clenched fists, Serena rose slowly to her feet and glared down at him. "You will regret this when I found out what's happening," she snapped.
She turned on her heel and made sure to slam the door as hard as she could behind her.
She stalked through the hallways and down the flight of stairs to the second floor, she was just taking the next set of stairs when a snuffled sound caught her ears and she froze. Her head turned towards Remus and Sirius' bedroom and she took a few steps closer to the wooden door, straining her ear towards it. The sound came again and her stomach dropped, all tension falling from her shoulders and anger melting away to be replaced with sadness.
She tapped gently on the door and placed her hand on the knob. "Remus?" she said quietly, gently turning the handle. "Can I come in?"
The sounds stopped and she held her breath for a few moments before a weak "yes," sounded through the door.
She pushed the door open the rest of the way and stepped into the room. The heavy curtains were pulled together and she had to squint her eyes to find Remus, sitting on his bed, his head in his hands. She shut the door with a click behind her and padded across the carpet to sit down next to him and pull him into a tight embrace.
"Shh," she hushed, rocking him slowly and holding him to her, one hand rubbing up and down his back as he shook into her shoulder and clutched at her tightly.
"I'm- I'm sorry- I'"
"Don't," she whispered soothingly into his ear. "Don't explain, I know, I understand."
"It's just got too m-much."
"It's okay," she murmured, kissing his temple and smoothing down his hair. "I've got you. Ride it out."
They rocked back and forth for long minutes, Serena trying not to think about the cavernous hole buried deep down within her soul, where Kingsley and Sirius used to be, and Remus letting out all of the pain and anguish through hot, heavy tears.
When Remus managed to calm himself, he blew his nose and sat up straight, running his hands through his hair. His skin had turned a light pink colour and he looked away from her, as though ashamed.
"You can hide from me as much as I can hide from you, you know," she smiled softly, squeezing his hand. "Take a moment, I'll go and get dinner started… you'll be okay, Remus, I promise."
He nodded, still not looking up at her and she moved towards the door.
"Thanks," he said quietly.
"Any time," she replied softly.
…
The pointless attempt to get information from Albus and the sad reminder that life was too short, had pushed Serena to confront the problem.
She had an opportunity on that Thursday evening and she took it.
The house was empty except for Remus who was putting Lavinia to bed, and Serena was writing a letter to the French Minister for Magic. She sensed his presence when he came into the kitchen. She knew he had a report to drop off for Albus, and that he was supposed to be picking up some building plans that Moody had left for him. Serena had purposefully moved them onto the far end of the kitchen table, so that Severus would have to move past her to get to them.
She heard him pause at the bottom of the stairs, but she carried on writing, well aware that she had just ruined her letter by writing the same word twice. As the sound of his boots on the stone floor resumed, she couldn't help but tense as he walked behind her to retrieve the documents.
He hadn't even said hello, she thought bitterly.
She took a deep breath and gathered her courage.
"Fool me once, fool me twice," Serena said in the driest voice she could muster, still not looking up from her parchment. She heard him turn towards her but once again, she refused to look into his eyes and let him try and deduce her emotions. Her anger was bubbling just below the surface, as it so often was these days, and she knew him well enough to know that he wasn't far from exploding too.
"If you have something to say, spit it out girl," he snapped viciously, "and stop speaking in riddles."
She raised her eyebrows and crossed her t's rather deliberately. "I am spitting it out, I thought I was being rather clear for a man of your intelligence, Severus." Her voice was airy and light and she knew it was annoying him just as much as her words were. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Except it's not just twice is it, this would be the third time that you will have attempted to push me away and blot me out of your life, surely you'd have learnt by now that it is of no use. We are in far too deep for that."
"I don't know what you're-"
"Oh please," she interrupted, struggling to keep the hardness out of her voice. She finished her sentence, noticing that her handwriting had become rather wild at the end, and put down her quill. When she finally looked up at him, his face was a well-practised sheet of calm and neutrality. She didn't have to look far, though, to see the tell-tale clenching of his hands or the twitch above his right eyebrow. "Must we do this little dance where you pretend stupidly you don't know what I'm talking about? It really is beneath us both."
"You're testing my patience," he growled, taking a step forward on the other side of the room.
Serena had to bite her lip to stop herself from swearing. She pulled out her wand and in a whirl, she cast several privacy charms around the kitchen. "Testing your patience? Your patience? How dare you? Twice you have tried to run away from this, and twice you have failed! The first time because you feared an emotional rejection, which I understand, and which I have forgiven you for! The second time because you feared I would hate you and because you were struggling with your self-worth because of what you were forced to do! I understand this and I have forgiven you! And now? Now you dare to try this again! You dare to try and push me away? To try and make me hate you? You run away from me, you avoid me, you flinch from my touch, you forbid me from connecting with your mind, you speak to me like utter shit once more, and I want to know why! And no!" she snapped, standing up sharply as he went to interrupt. "No, don't you dare tell me that we're at war and that I don't understand and that we don't have time for sentiment and that I'm being selfish and naïve, don't you dare!" She was shouting now. "You can keep playing that game and keep trying to make me doubt myself but I'm know you too well for this by now! So what has happened! What could possibly be so serious that my husband is ready to give up his marriage!"
Severus sneered at her and his top lip curled in anger. "How naïve, such a little girl, I am risking my life everyday trying to keep you and your little friends alive, and you dare be angry at me because you're not getting enough attention. You are playing games here-"
"What the fuck is that?"
Severus had pointed at her with his finger, and something across the back of his hand had made Serena's blood freeze. "Severus?" her voice was suddenly weak and quiet and she felt tears prick behind her eyes.
"Severus? What's… that's… that's a mark from an unbreakable vow."
Severus had thrust his hand behind his back, but it was too late. Serena had seen the extremely thin, red lines, criss-crossing over the back of the pale skin of his hand. Severus had taken an unbreakable vow within the last twenty-four hours.
"What has he made you do now?" she snapped, her thoughts turning to Albus with panic and anger. "Severus, what has he made you promise? You have to tell me! I can help you with this!"
Her blood was pounding in her head, her breath was almost coming in sobs, and her rage built up so deeply inside of her that looking at his calm expression almost pushed her over the edge.
Severus looked at her with dead-pan eyes and turned on his heel to leave.
"NO!" before she could comprehend what she was doing, the slabs of stone closest to the steps shattered, throwing pieces of stone across the room and a gaping hole in the floor. Severus froze and turned robotically towards her, his lip curled back into a snarl. He raised his wand and went to jump over the hole but she hit the door with a sealing barrier and shot an immobilising jinx at him for good measure. He jumped back just in time and span around, his cloak billowing behind him and his eyes flashing.
"You're not walking away from me," she said in a trembling voice. "I won't allow it- bombardia!" He had turned on the spot and made to march towards the fireplace but her bombardment spell got their first and the wooden mantlepiece cracked and fell along with the bricks that had held it up, crashing into a dusty pile in the grate.
"This is the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix," Severus growled, his wand in his hand. "Not some toy for you to destroy whenever you feel injustice-"
"This is a fucking building," she snapped, "and nothing is more important to me than you. You are not running away from me, not again, I won't let you."
"And did you ever simply consider that I don't care anymore?" he hissed, advancing on her as though she was prey, his eyes full of hatred and his lips curled into a snarl. "That I don't care about you, or what you feel? That I don't feel anything anymore? You were fun at first, you know, and yes, I did have feelings for you, I did convince myself I could love you, but now I'm bored of trailing you around behind me-"
"Silencio!" she screeched, but Severus deflected her curse with a lazy flick.
"Did it occur to you?" he continued in a low voice, "did it? Or were you too narcissistic to consider that I could have just stopped being interested-"
"You may be able to fool the Dark Lord and Albus to boot, but you have never never been able to lie to me," she hissed, taking a step towards him. "All I see in your eyes is loathing. And I know very well that it's aimed at you. You couldn't hate me if you tried, but hating yourself? Yes, it's all too easy for you. So I will ask you again, what has changed? What is Albus making you do? What is the Dark Lord making you do? Because something has happened and it's scared you so much that you're willing to throw us away. You are so terrified so you want to protect me from it by pushing me away, instead of using our relationship as a strength to fight it. Is it worth it?" she asked, just two feet away from him now. She could almost smell the sweat that had started to collect on his forehead. "Is it? Causing me pain? Hurting me? Hurting yourself? Is it really the only option-"
"Keep talking and you will really know what hurt feel likes," he snarled at her, and although the venom in his words hurt her, the anger was in control. "You're delusional and childish-"
"I don't need to touch you to know that you're in love with me-"
Bang! Whatever spell he had shot at her had thrown her off her feet and as her coccyx hit the floor painfully she couldn't help but let out a grunt of pain. The shield spell she had thrown up instinctively was strong, but she didn't need it. Severus had gone.
"What on earth, Serena-"
Remus leapt across the hole in the floor and ran towards her. She felt her stomach drop. This would only make it worse.
"I'm fine, Remus, just lost control-" she mumbled, getting to her feet and surveying the room that looked as though it had been hit by a muggle bomb.
"Serena, what's happened-"
"Nothing," she said a little more sharply than she would have liked. "Sorry," she muttered apologetically, "Just, help me clean up this mess, will you?"
Together, they pointed their wands at the fireplace and the stone slabs and managed to set the room back to normal.
"There is nothing normal about this, Serena," Remus tried again. "You're hurt! Severus hurt you."
"I'm fine!" she snapped loudly at him, giving him a warning glare. "Drop it." She picked up her ruined letter and marched up the repaired stairs, hot tears escaping her overflowing eyes and falling onto the parchment. What was she supposed to do now?
