He'd heard me coming, so he slowly turned around then stopped when he saw me, our faces lit by the light of the moon lilies and golden fireflies as they fluttering noiselessly around us. A symphony of crickets and croaking as well as the soft trickle of water surrounded us, blending in a musical harmony of natural sounds as I tensed up, not knowing whether I wanted to defend this special place of mine or just leave. Deciding to be the bigger person, I took a deep, calming breath before speaking, addressing him formally with a bow. "My greetings to you, Fire Lord Zuko."
"Kayo…" He looked so different compared to when I'd last seen him. He, Sokka and I were all the same age, so now that we were twenty, our bodies had almost fully matured. His hair had grown longer, and because of that it was less messy when tied in a partial topknot, the rest allowed to sit against his back just below his shoulders. He'd grown taller. Broader too. Damn it, I didn't really have time to think about it before since I was in a rush to leave, but Zuko really had grown handsome. "You're…not going to run away, are you?"
"Well that depends. You're in my spot right now, so I'm not inclined to give it up." I answered dryly as I stepped out of the treeline, picking my foot over a bush and started to dust myself off, pulling leaves out of my hair. "I want to meditate for a while." Nodding his head in understanding, Zuko stepped aside and I walked past him without sparing a second glance, going over to the single rock that sat in the middle of the creak which was large enough for me to sit on before I made myself comfortable.
Sitting in the lotus position, I closed my eyes in order to relax, though cutting off my vision only heightened my other senses. My ears picked up as Zuko moved and sat down a few feet away from me, and after opening one eye slightly to take a look, I found he'd also taken up a meditative pose facing me. I left him to it, forcing myself to accept this proximity. I'd have to get used to this, after all, we were going to be in a meeting tomorrow and we'd probably have to talk with one another. I should start getting myself comfortable with him so that I could at least maintain a calm demeanour.
His silence started to bother me though. Every few seconds I was taking a peek to see if he was doing anything, but he was far calmer than I was, keeping his eyes closed and head bowed slightly, meditating peacefully whilst I began to fidget. Is he not going to say something? Why is he just sitting there? Does he have to meditate here? Did he choose to stay because I showed up? Was he unable to sleep too? Well good. I hope he gets tormented by nightmares every night. Growing increasingly impatient, feeling like he was taunting me with his silence, I eventually slammed my hands down on my knees and snapped. "Well are you gonna say something or not?!"
"You said you didn't want to hear my voice or listen to anything I had to say, so no. I'm not going to say anything." I fumed.
"That was two freaking years ago! Damn it Zuko! You listen to me now?!" I could strangle him. I wanted to. Maybe I should. I could plead insanity, because right now I felt close enough to the verge of insanity that I could make it look real convincing. He opened his eyes and relaxed his shoulders, placing his hands together neatly in his lap as our eyes met again, warm gold against stormy grey.
"I should have listened to you sooner."
"You think?" Damn him, why does he have to do this to my head? I feel like I could rip out my brain and not care because then I might actually have some peace of mind.
"I'm sorry, I don't want to anger you. I'll go now." Getting up to leave I pulled my hand away from my face in order to look at him, slightly bemused at how placating he was being so I sighed, feeling a twinge of guilt.
"No, I'm sorry. I'm just…I'm just bitter, I guess. Stay. We should talk." Wanting to at least try and resolve things at least for the sake of my friends, Zuko nodded his head gratefully and came back, sitting down a little closer to me so that we didn't have to talk from opposite sides of the clearing. The fireflies continued to float, dancing from luminous petal to petal all around us as I rubbed my head, trying to think of something to say, how to begin. Where should I even start? Was I the one in the wrong here? Am I being petty and selfish by this point? But I can't deny how much I'd hurt after all that happened, how betrayed I felt that Zuko didn't trust me enough to let me help find the right path together.
"I'm guessing it's a stupid question to ask if you're still angry with me." Zuko finally started, as if purposefully giving me the opportunity to take up the opening to attack him with all the anger and hate I possessed, but I was too tired to feel such exhausting emotions, so I didn't.
"Honestly Zuko, I don't know how I feel anymore. It's been such a long time, I've actually forgotten some of the reasons why I felt the way I did. Perhaps they were insignificant in the long run, but running away and avoiding you was the only way I could think of to just make it all stop."
"No, they weren't insignificant, because I remember. I've thought about every reason why you had to leave every day since the last day I saw you. I was wrong to try and chain you to my side, and even more wrong to make you stay in a place where you were unhappy. I could see what all that work was doing to you, how much pressure you felt but refused to admit, and I did nothing." Zuko's voice had mellowed greatly, which was something I now considered. It was no longer the voice of a boy on the cusp of becoming a man, but was now fully and completely a mature voice that sounded much deeper than I expected it to be. It was…soothing. It prompted me to want to hear him talk more.
"I wasn't unhappy though." Admitting the truth, I glanced up at Zuko, managing to hold his gaze for a moment before I looked away again. Pushing my hair back from my face, I held it back as I exhaled deeply. "I actually enjoyed the work as it gave me a sense of purpose I'd never had before, and I got to be with you, be useful to you even. What I found difficult was watching you deteriorate and being unable to help you because you refused to let me in. Do you have any idea what it feels like to watch somebody you care about more than anything to shut you out, and you are left with this feeling of utter uselessness? I couldn't stand it, Zuko. That's what broke me, in the end." His expression deepened with sorrow.
"It was not my intention for you to get hurt, Kayo, in fact I pushed you away because I didn't want to bring you down with me. In my own way, I was trying to protect you, but that was wrong too. I've done…so many things the wrong way…I don't have any excuses for any of them. Just regrets." Closing my eyes for a while to think things over, I wondered if there was any hope that we could ever go back to the way we were. Deep down, I wanted to. After all we'd been through together, good and bad, I wanted to have that connection with Zuko again, but I was afraid of being hurt again. "Do you think that you will be able to forgive me one day?"
"It's not that I don't want it, it's that I don't know how to." Looking at him once more, I regarded him studiously. "You've done so well as Fire Lord the past two years. Turns you, you didn't need me at all."
"That's not entirely true. There were times when there was nothing more I wanted than to just hear your voice. A few times I could have done with you smacking me on the head and telling me I was being an idiot and make better sense of things." At this Zuko smiled, and I couldn't help but feel a little lighter as well. I did used to flick him on the head quite a bit, guess I shouldn't have really done that after he became Fire Lord.
"I wouldn't have had to flick you all the time if you didn't have such dumb ideas all the time." I retorted with an edge of jest, making Zuko laugh. It was deep and warming, like the taste of spiced wine in a bitterly cold evening. Thinking about the cold, I shivered and pulled my covering closer around me, starting to feel the chill which Zuko instantly noticed.
"Are you cold?" I didn't answer, but Zuko was already moving towards me, sitting back down on the other side of the creak where all that lay between us was a sliver of water. Drawing in a breath to focus on his inner fire, Zuko held out his palm towards me and created a fire for me to warm up with, the flames expanding and shrinking with his breath and brightening up the area around us so that our features were more easily distinguishable. He just watched me for a moment, becoming lost in thought as I held my hands towards the fire, unable to help but smile nostalgically.
"This takes me back." I murmured, thinking of all the times Zuko would notice that I was cold and make a fire for me in his hand, sitting close to me in order to share the warmth. Making a soft hum of agreement, as if thinking of the same memories which we shared, Zuko started to reach out towards me. Instantly I stiffened, beginning to draw back so Zuko paused but didn't pull away, waiting for me to settle before he pulled a few leaves from my hair that I'd missed. Then, he smiled at me just like he used to, and it made my heart waver and flicker in my chest.
"I've missed this. Thank you for agreeing to talk to me."
"I'm a coward by nature, so instead of facing and dealing with my problems and feelings I just ran away from them. You deserved what you got, but that doesn't mean I'm going to despise you for the rest of our lives. Our friends get hurt by our distance and my conflict, and I don't want that." I told him honestly, drawing myself up in an attempt to give off a strong image, mostly to myself. "At first I thought I was just protecting myself from being hurt further, but after a while, I just stayed in hiding. I felt safe that way, because every time I looked at you…" My voice broke and tears start to gather at my eyes, making me bite down on my lip angrily to be losing control so soon. "Every time I thought of you, I'd feel like screaming everything just welled up inside. You know for a long time after, I had a problem with my bending? The emotions just wouldn't come out, so I couldn't bend like I used to. Even now it's not as powerful and controlled as before, but I just can't…I can't…"
Staying silent either because he knew not to speak or because he had nothing he could think of to say, Zuko listened and watched me as I clenched my teeth and my shoulders started to shake, pressing my eyes closed as the tears began to make themselves known. When I felt his hand touch my face and begin to rub them away, my first instinct was to lean into his touch, wanting that comfort that I had used to rely on but then I turned my head away, pulling back from him which Zuko accepted. "I keep on feeling angry at you, like I want to blame you for everything, because I feel like you've broken something inside of me. My water bending is a part of who I am but now it's like I'm disconnected from a part of myself, and it's all your fault!"
Swinging out an arm just to emphasise my words, the water around the creak gurgled, a splash spurting upwards and sloshing against Zuko's face as he merely lifted a hand to block it. Damn it…damn it…with how angry I felt right now, that should have been a tidal wave. Not some pathetic watery hiccup. "You're afraid to let your emotions go, because you're going to have to hurt more before you can heal." I laughed weakly.
"Since when did you learn to talk like Uncle Iroh?"
"Between you and him, I was bound to pick up a thing or two." This time when Zuko tentatively reached towards me again, I turned my face away but placed my hand on his, lowering it down gently in a silent request for him not to try and touch me just in case I really did lose it. "This is all my fault Kayo. You're right to blame me. If there's a way for me to fix even a small part of this, just tell me."
"I don't have the answers to this Zuko. Not this time. I've spent two years burying everything under ice and snow, I'm not even sure I want to dig it back up." Wincing slightly with hurt, Zuko's eyes gazed at me with pain and a sense of trepidation.
"Are you saying we can never even be friends again? Not even to start over?" This gave me pause, wondering that if perhaps that might be the only way forwards. Rather than trying to uproot something I'd already buried in the past, making our way forwards with a fresh start might not be such a bad idea.
"I didn't say that." I corrected after a moment's pause, making Zuko's face soften with hopefulness. "If I'm right about what needs to be done about our nations living in harmony, we're going to have to work together, which means at the very least being civil with one another. If we start from the beginning, the very beginning…then we can try and progress from there." Nothing seemed to make Zuko happier than my willingness to compromise with him and he gave me a big, rather goofy grin which instantly reminded me of his teenaged self.
"If you want to go back to the beginning, then I guess I'll have to pull you up from the ocean like a drowned fish." He joked, chuckling to himself and even I giggled lightly, leaning a little closer towards him so that the fire in his hand would keep me warmer still. "You always were too good for me, Kayo. I never deserved all you did for my sake. Part of me wishes I'd chased after you that day in Hira'a." Quirking en eyebrow, I looked up at him curiously.
"Why didn't you?" He smiled adoringly.
"Because I knew that if there was ever going to be a chance of you coming back, I first had to let you go."
