The three lists Serena had created were still lying on the table between them, surrounding by several dirty mugs of coffee. Serena was tired, but the stress and adrenaline of the day kept her itchy eyes open.
"How have you and Albus guaranteed your freedom after the war?"
Severus looked at her with an expressionless face.
She raised her eyebrows questioningly. "I mean, how is he going to prove that you only acted on his orders? Has he created a magical document or is he using a Souvenirium charm like for wills and testaments or something else? Is it going to be sent to the Order first or the Ministry? And is it upon the Dark Lord's death or at a moment of your choosing? Oh, I bet you have some stupid sweet name to activate it, don't you? Chocolate Frog or Sherbet lemon or something?" Serena rolled her eyes, imagining Albus choosing a ridiculous code name for something so serious.
When she looked back at Severus, however, he was frowning quite sincerely.
"What?" she said, feeling suddenly worried. "Why are you staring at me like that?"
Severus cleared his throat and smoothed his expression over. "There is no official document, Serena… There is no Souvenirium charm… no… code name… I will have my memories, I suppose."
"Your- your memories? Memories can be recomposed, and if ever you are arrested at the end of this war, then no one is going to want to stop and examine your memories. You'll be the most hated man in Britain!"
Severus didn't say anything, but Serena could hear a rushing noise in her ears and feel the slight tremble of the ground beneath her feet.
"Severus, he has asked you to kill him on your orders, how are you supposed to be pardoned if there is no official document?"
Severus swallowed hard and looked towards the window, away from her. "Do you really believe it will make the slightest bit of difference in the end?"
Serena was on her feet in a heartbeat, her fists were clenched and she could feel her face getting hot. "Yes!" she exclaimed angrily. "Yes it will! Severus you're a hero! You're a goddam hero! And if we win this war it will be because of your sacrifices! I will not have people bad mouthing you for longer than they have to! When all of this is over you should be able to store these memories away and start afresh!"
Severus scoffed and shook his head slowly. "As if they would let me," he said in a bitter tone which only angered her even more.
"Fight!" she snapped, "fight for yourself, fight for our future! Severus, this is important!"
"Our future?" he repeated in disdain, "and what future is that exactly? What exactly are you imagining for us after I murder Albus Dumbledore, Serena?"
Serena took a deep breath and managed to sit down, worry overtaking her anger as she saw how he completely lacked hope.
"What am I imagining?" she repeated in a calmer tone. "Ok, I'm imagining that we'll be separated, everyone will hate you except for me. I shall try to claim ignorance as best I can to the Order, but we both know it's unlikely to work. You will be the new Headmaster of Hogwarts, I won't be able to teach there, of course, not with Minerva and Pomona and everyone, so we will likely not see each other again until the war is over. I only hope we won't come across each other in any battles. I think that's for the best, don't you?" she finished bravely, trying not to think about how hard it was going to be, separated from him at the most difficult time in his life.
Severus, however, did not look impressed with her plan, and sneered. "Go on."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, go on," he repeated. "Carry on with your little story. So we won't see each other for the duration of the war, how long do you imagine that to be? A month or two?"
Serena glared at him. "Severus Snape stop belittling me," she snapped. "I know very well that it could be months, or even years. And yes, I am ready to sacrifice everything for several years if it keeps you safe and it wins us this war."
"And you think that when the war ends, everything will carry on between us like before?"
"Severus, what are you-"
"Don't be so naïve, Serena. You're twenty-seven years old. You're young and beautiful. Your husband is a murderous traitor who has been lying to you from the very beginning. You'll forget me after a few months, perhaps a year… It would perhaps be best if we divorce before-"
Serena's palm slammed down painfully on the tabletop and she sent Severus her best glare. "How dare you," she said quietly. "Do you really think that low of me? To turn my back on you at the first opportunity? To be looking for a man in the middle of a war? Merlin, Severus, I don't know what you see in me if that's your image of me."
Severus had the decency to look slightly ashamed and Serena tried to forget his comments, blaming it on stress.
"You do realise that the likelihood of me surviving the war is extremely low?" he finally said in a gravelly voice.
"Oh really?" she said sarcastically, rolling her eyes and sitting back heavily in her chair. "No, I hadn't thought of that. Of course I know that Severus, I'm not a fucking idiot. But I will be waiting for you. Whatever happens. If you make it through this, I will be waiting at the end, ready to grab your hand and run with you, wherever you like… America… Australia… New Zealand… I don't care… I just want to start the rest of our lives with you, somewhere far, far away from all of this mess."
Severus opened his mouth as if to say something and then shut it and shrugged instead. "As you wish," he muttered casually, but she could see the hope spark in his eye.
"I wish," she murmured back, standing up to busy herself with more coffee. "So, if you don't mind me going back to my original question, what has Albus put in place to grant you your innocence after the war is over?"
"Nothing," Severus said shortly.
Her hands, which had been reaching to pull two mugs from the cupboard froze in mid-air.
"I'm sorry?"
"Nothing," he repeated.
Serena whirled around and stared at him, her eyes searching his mind for the truth.
"You mean he has asked you to do this and he has ensured no way other than your memories that no one will care about, to prove your innocence?"
Severus nodded.
"And you didn't think it was important?"
Severus shrugged and she felt her heart squeezing inside her chest. He still gave so little worth to his own life that it made her hurt inside.
"And Albus didn't think it was important either?"
Severus shrugged again and looked away from her, his eyes dark. Serena could feel her anger bubbling again. "How dare he!" she snapped finally, forgetting the coffee and marching towards the living room. "He asks too much! This time he asks too much!"
A strong hand on her forearm pulled her away from the fire and held her steady.
"What are you doing?" he asked intensely, his dark eyes piercing hers.
"What do you think I'm doing?" she said impatiently. "I'm going to go and have a few words with that stupid old man-"
"Serena-"
"Don't defend him, Severus! Don't! What he has asked you to do is horrific! And the fact that he hasn't even considered ensuring your freedom afterwards makes me feel fucking sick! We can't let him get away with this! It's utterly barbaric!"
"It's three o' clock in the morning," Severus said calmly, nodding at the clock on the mantlepiece. "And Albus will no longer be at the school."
She glared at the clock, slightly stunned by the time. They had been in the kitchen talking for hours. She hadn't even noticed it go dark outside.
"I hate how calm you are about all of this," she said to him, angrily, as his emotions pulsed through her body.
"And I love how mad you are about it," he said quietly, reaching out with his other hand and brushing her hair back from her face. "But right now, all I would like is to go to bed with you and hold you in my arms."
Serena felt her shoulders slump slightly and she felt suddenly very sad.
It had been almost three weeks since she had been in his bed and held him to her.
He had tried to prove many times now that he could live without her, and that he didn't need her, but she knew very well that he was lost without her. He was broken, more broken now than he had perhaps ever been, and it was her job to be the glue that held him together, just a little longer.
She bit her lip and nodded. "I would like that very much too."
Twenty minutes later, when they both lay naked in bed together, Serena's back pressed against Severus' bare chest, she let her thoughts process everything that had happened that day. Everything she now understood and feared. She was angry, she was shocked, and mostly, she was extremely sad at how her and Severus' happiness was once again being torn away from them. Would they ever live a happy life? Would they both survive the war or would the day he kills Albus Dumbledore be the last time she ever saw him? With a heavy heart, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep.
…
As they stepped over the threshold at Grimmauld Place the next morning the familiar sounds of pots and pans and babble reached them from the kitchen. Severus shut the door behind them just as Samuel hurried down the stairs at the other end of the corridor.
"Serena! Where have you been, Remus has been so worried about- ah, Severus. I didn't see you there."
Serena grimaced and led Severus along the dark corridor.
"Tell him I'm fine," she said quietly to Samuel who was eyeing Severus with suspicion. "I need a moment with Albus, and then I'll come down for a chat."
Samuel nodded, watching her closely.
She turned around to Severus and gave him a firm stare. "Go on, you know what we agreed."
Severus opened his mouth to argue but she scowled at him, well aware that Samuel was behind her.
"Severus, please…"
Severus gritted his teeth but gave a firm nod, before sweeping down into the kitchen, his black robe billowing behind him.
"Dream team's back together then?" Samuel said with a hint of irony in his voice.
She made a non-committal sound and brushed past him. She had a job to do.
Perhaps subconsciously she had chosen her dark blue witch's robes as opposed to muggle attire today. She hoped it made her look more imposing and serious than jeans and a t shirt. She ascended the stairs purposefully, dreading Albus sitting behind his desk with the usual tea and biscuits. She wasn't sure she had the patience to politely refuse custard creams three times.
When she knocked on the door and opened it, however, it was not a friendly face and twinkling eyes that met her. Instead, Albus was sitting straight-backed and serious behind his desk, his blackened fingers folded together and his blue eyes resting on her intently.
"Please come in," he said in his usual polite tone.
She shut the door behind her and sat down on the chair opposite him without waiting to be asked.
She had sat with Albus across a desk and laughed and cried about many things over the past three years, trusting him with the intimacy of her secrets and seeing him as a true friend and father figure, but now when she looked at the old man, all she felt was a strange pang of mistrust and disappointment.
"I'm sure you have many things to say to me, my child, but I would like to speak first, if I may. Being an old man, I do have certain privileges, and youth has all the time in the world."
Serena gritted her teeth to stop herself from asking if Severus had all the time in the world. She nodded her head jerkily and clenched her fists on her lap, out of his view.
"Serena, I know that you must think me unfair and uncaring to have asked Severus to undertake such a task, but I would like you to understand my reasoning before you make judgement…. You see, Severus had always known his destiny. He chose this path and swore loyalty to our side. He chose to become a spy and knew exactly what that meant-"
"Severus swore to become a spy when he was twenty years old! He changed sides to atone for sins he committed when he was a teenager! And now he's thirty-seven and you're still controlling his life!"
Albus surveyed her over his half-moon glasses and his patient expression made her want to rip of his glasses and stamp on them.
"Severus knew what risks were involved when he turned spy and he accepted them. He swore his life. He is not the only one who has had his life ruined by these wars. And now, rather ironically, at the end of my life I believe I have found a way to defeat Lord Voldemort forever."
Serena shivered at the name.
"It will hopefully soon be confirmed, but this could mean the end of Lord Voldemort, and the end of this war once and for all. I am not asking anything of Severus that he has not agreed to. He knows and understands what is at stake as much as I. The Order needs a spy whom Lord Voldemort will trust completely. And the only way to achieve that is to allow him to kill me. Not only will he secure his position, but he will kindly help me avoid a rather slowly and humiliating death. For you who has knowledge in the Dark Arts, I am sure you are aware of how the curse will destroy me."
Serena glared. "So instead of destroying one life you will take him down with you."
"Think of the greater good, Serena."
She scoffed. "He has given enough."
"He will not stop until Lord Voldemort is destroyed. And he will not ever put his personal needs before-"
"Of course he won't!" she cried, "He will fight and fight until there is nothing left of him! He has thrown away his life for you and this war!"
"He is doing what needs to be done. Severus Snape is a very brave man."
Serena scoffed and stood up, her arms rigid at her sides. She turned in a circle and span around to look at him. "Do you know what, Albus, I didn't come here to persuade you to change your mind… I didn't come here because I have some other miraculous solution, I understand and accept the concept of the greater good and I, too, will do everything I can to end this war… Severus has sworn an unbreakable vow to do the deed you have demanded of him, and nothing will stop him from following that through. No," she shook her head, sending him a look of pure hatred. "I came here today because you asked this of him, this horrific task that will isolate him from everyone and ensure he is labelled a traitor, and you didn't even think it important to ensure his freedom and innocence after it is all over."
Albus looked at her, a small frown appearing between his bushy silver eyebrows.
"All over?" he said lightly, his eyebrows raised questioningly.
"All over, as in, you and the Dark Lord both dead. What happens to him then?"
"Well, Severus will have his memories of me asking him to-"
"Memories can be twisted and fabricated as well you know," she spat nastily. "Severus is a master occlumens, everyone in the Order knows that and no one understands what it fully means. Even if they gave him the opportunity of sharing his memories, they wouldn't trust what they saw."
"Memories can be verified by the Ministry-"
"They will murder him on the spot or send him to Azkaban to be kissed! They won't be fucking giving him time to fucking explain himself you ignorant man!"
"Serena, there is no need for language like-"
"My words are nothing compared to your actions!" she shrieked angrily. "How could this not even have crossed your mind! How could you be such a monster! You won't even give him the chance-"
"Serena, let's not be naïve here, the odds of Severus surviving this war are as good as mine."
Serena stared at him, her heart suddenly very loud in her ears and her palms instantly sweaty. What did he just say? She replayed the words over in her head again.
Albus didn't think Severus would survive. There was no plan for his freedom after the war because Albus didn't think he would see the end of the war.
Her and Severus had discussed this, they knew it was a possibility that they would not both survive, but somehow, coming from Albus, it all seemed more… concrete.
But no, she wouldn't let herself get pulled down by Albus fucking Dumbledore.
"Of course his chances are slim," she hissed, slamming her occlumency shields firmly into place. "We're not stupid or naïve, but that doesn't mean that you can't hope and prepare for the best as well as the worst! You didn't even consider it Albus! You didn't even think it important! Severus deserves a go at life without war and far away from here. What he doesn't deserve is you giving up on him." She pulled her cloak around her tightly and looked down at him in disdain. "I will be back this time tomorrow. I will expect you to have drawn up and signed three separate documents which will be released at the time of the Dark Lord's death. One will be sent to the Order. One to the Ministry. And one to myself. You have twenty-four hours."
Serena swept from the room in a Severus-like fashion, holding her head high and leaving the door open just to annoy him. She hurried down the stairs and paused in the dark hallway, her head spinning. She had said everything she wanted to, and yet she still felt shaken up by it all. It felt as though everything that was happening was so bloody unbelievable that her mind wasn't quite sure whether to accept it as reality or not. She took a deep breath, plastered a small smile onto her face and went down into the kitchen.
Severus was brooding in a corner of the kitchen, Samuel was building what looked like a lego model of a Quidditch pitch with Max, and Remus was reading the newspaper whilst Lavinia crawled around underneath the kitchen table.
"Serena, are you ok?" Remus said, standing up and looking her over critically.
She smiled and nodded. "Fine, really, I'm fine Remus. I… I'm just going to have a word with Severus and then I'm all yours, okay?"
Remus didn't look convinced, but he glanced over at Severus who was watching them with narrow eyes and nodded. "No Vinnie, not by the fireplace darling!" Serena watched as the safety charms activated around the fireplace and baby Lavinia couldn't go any further, confronted by an invisible wall. She looked around at Remus and gargled "Da dada," moving her little bum up and down as though trying to propel herself forward.
Serena smiled despite her sour mood. It couldn't all be bad if there was something as pure as Lavinia in the middle of it all.
She walked over to Severus and put a hand on his chest, grounding herself once more.
"I've spoken to him," she said softly, "I will pick up the documents tomorrow. I don't care how optimistic it is, Severus… I'm not giving up on you."
He merely shrugged but she felt one of his hands on her hip and she leant in further until she rested her cheek against his shoulder and her arms were wrapped loosely around him.
She could feel eyes on her, either Remus or Samuel, but she didn't care. She wanted to show them that her and Severus were just fine again and feeling him in her arms helped calm her down.
When she pulled away, Severus was looking down at her intently. "I must go," he said in a quiet voice. "You… do you… are you sleeping here tonight?"
She smiled, feeling relieved. "I'll be home some point this evening, okay?"
He swallowed and nodded, looking grateful that she had understood what he had meant.
"Although I will be sleeping here from Wednesday to Friday this week. It's the full moon. I'm looking after Vinnie."
Severus' eyes flickered over to the baby who was scooting closer to them on her bum. He nodded. "Very well."
"Ree-na na! Na na!" Lavinia screeched excitedly, making Serena laugh.
She bent down and scooped Lavinia up into her arms, wiping the dust from her blue dungarees.
"Na na, has become my new nickname," she smiled delightedly as Lavinia laughed and repeated the sounds.
Severus scowled, although his eyes were too soft to fool Serena.
"I'll see you tonight, then?" she asked softly.
He nodded. Surprisingly, he gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek before striding across the room and leaving.
Serena couldn't help but smile. No matter how hard his outer shell, inside he could be as soft as treacle when he wanted to be.
