"Elizabeth?" she jumped to her feet, her chair slamming down against the stone floor behind her. She registered Samuel racing with her around the table to the little elf that was clutching her pinafore with stained red hands and shaking her head as huge tears spilled from her round eyes.
Serena felt a cold dread drenching her and seeping into her skin, but even as she felt that pull of danger and threat, she could still feel Severus present in the soul connection they shared. Wherever he was, he was in trouble but he wasn't dead, yet.
She skidded to her knees in front of the trembling elf and grabbed her tiny arm.
"Elizabeth, tell me what is wrong. Where is Severus?"
"Speak, elf!" Samuel said sharply next to her.
She heard Remus approaching behind them. "Serena, is this Severus' elf?"
She nodded, looking deeply into her eyes and begging her to tell her where Severus was. "Please, Lizzie, what's going on? Whose blood is that?"
The elf sniffed and opened a shaking mouth. "He- he told Elizabeth to f-fetch you, m-mistress, he- he didn't want Elizabeth to h-help, m-master w-wanted his S-Serena-"
"Take me to him."
"Take us all," Samuel said firmly, but Elizabeth hiccupped and shook her head furiously. "No!" she squeaked, "only m-mistress, he-he said only mistress!"
Serena pulled out her wand and cast several protection charms over herself. She looked at Remus and Samuel firmly. "If you don't here from me within an hour, alert Albus."
"Serena, you can't just-"
"Of course I can," she said sharply, standing up and taking Elizabeth's outstretched hand. "He needs me."
"It could be a trap, Serena," Remus said calmly. "What if he is being coerced-"
"Severus would rather die than betray me."
Remus didn't have anything to reply to that. He shared a worried look with Samuel, but it was too late. Serena squeezed Elizabeth's hand and braced herself.
"Let's go."
The last place she expected Elizabeth to apparate her to was her own living room. As her feet hit the rug in front of the fireplace, and her eyes recognised where she was, she almost felt paralysed. What on earth had happened?
She let go of Elizabeth's hand and stumbled across the living room. "Severus?" she shouted, ignoring the possibility that there could be Death Eaters in the house. "Severus?" She ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time and sprinted into their bedroom, the bathroom and then the spare bedroom, checking each room quickly before hurtling down the stairs again. "SEVERUS?"
She rammed open the kitchen door, adrenaline coursing through her veins and her heart beating loud in her chest, and as the door opened with a bang, the unmistakable coppery smell hit the back of her throat. You didn't have to be a werewolf to recognise the smell of blood.
"Severus!" she gasped, falling to her knees as her eyes fell upon his slumped figure, deathly white in comparison to the bright red blood that was slicked all over him and pooled into a worryingly large puddle on the floor around him. Severus was conscious, his head tilted towards her and what she saw in his eyes scared her more than blood.
His tears shone in the twilight and his eyes pierced hers with such intensity that the sadness and shame he projected at her almost stopped her in her tracks.
She swallowed hard and scooted forward to look at him, her knees smudging lines in his blood on the floor. Her eyes noted the almost empty bottle of whiskey clutched in his right hand, and then fell upon the bloody kitchen knife that lay almost-hidden under the cupboard behind him.
"I'm here, my love," she almost whispered, reaching out both of her hands and slowly cupping them on the sides of his head. His black hair was damp with sweat.
"I'm here," she whispered again, "I'm going to make this all better, okay, don't be afraid, it's going to be okay."
Very subtly, she moved her thumb so that it grazed his ear and his feelings blasted through her like a bombardment spell. She had thrown up her maximum defences, and luckily so, because it was very difficult to keep calm eyes and a straight face as the darkness Severus was feeling shot through her body. She didn't think she had ever felt such dark thoughts and dangerous feelings. The shame and grief and pain he felt was too much, too much even for her to carry, and she gently took her hands away and placed them on his robed knees instead, hoping he hadn't noticed them shaking.
She swallowed and looked steadily into his dark eyes. A tear had escaped and was now streaking down his pale cheek, and Serena was reminded of how much blood he had lost.
"Severus, can you hear me?" she asked gently, unsure of his state of mind.
He blinked and another tear joined the first, running down into the corner of his mouth. He nodded.
"Okay," she breathed, trying to keep calm. "You have lost a lot of blood. Can you show me where you are hurt? And do you know what curses were used on you?"
To those questions, Severus gave a sickened sort of snort and closed his eyes, his wet lashes a deep black against his white face.
Then, very slowly, he began to unravel himself from his thick Death Eater cloak, opening it up and carefully revealing his left forearm.
Serena felt bile rising up in her throat and turned her head away as vomit burst violently from her stomach, splattering the cupboard next to him and mixing sickeningly with his blood on the floor. She clutched at her stomach as the image of his arm flashed through her mind, and breathed in deeply through her nose.
Oh my god.
She reached for her wand which was slippery with blood now, and hastily siphoned up her vomit and vanished as much of the blood as she could. Then, sure that she could control her weak stomach, and ignoring the burning in her throat and the panic in her mind, she turned back to Severus, who hadn't moved an inch.
"Sev- Severus, look at me, please?" she couldn't hide the trembling panic in her voice now, she couldn't hide the fear that clutched at her heart. "S-Severus?"
Slowly, his eyes opened, wet and scared and so dark they were almost unrecognisable.
"I need to ask you two questions," she said, forcing herself to speak normally when all she wanted to do was scream and cry with him. "Did you do this to yourself?"
Severus' jaw clenched tightly and she heard his teeth grinding together. His eyes searched hers and seemed to find no judgement. He gave a small nod.
She let out the breath she had been holding and nodded calmly. "Okay. Did you use dark magic?"
This time Severus shook his head and turned slowly to let his eyes fall upon the kitchen knife next to him.
"Okay," she repeated. "I'm going to do my best to heal your arm now. Is that ok?"
Severus shrugged and lifted his other hand, bringing the bottle of whiskey to his lips and taking a long, careless swig.
Serena let her eyes fall upon the mess that was his arm.
There was blood everywhere, but not just, chunks of flesh hung from his arm like pieces of meat, skin and hair flapped down vulgarly, tendons and veins were visible to her eye and the worst part lay within all of that mess with the knowledge of what he had done.
It seemed Severus had tried to cut out his Dark Magic. Only to find that it ran straight down to the bone.
With shaking hands, Serena summoned two vials of blood replenishing potion and uncorked the first one unsteadily.
She held it out to him but Severus only looked at it, making it clear that he was not going to part with the bottle of alcohol clutched tightly in his grip.
He gave a small sneer, an echo of his real self, and another tear dropped down from his eyes. "Does it really need healing?" he finally spoke, his voice cold and clinical, the antithesis of the pain reflected in his eyes. "Isn't it better, like this?"
Serena bit her lip hard and tasted blood. "Yes, Severus, it does need healing," she said in a small voice. "It does, my love. Here, drink this for me please."
She raised the vial to his lips and was relieved he did not protest as she poured the potion slowly into his mouth.
Judging by the amount of blood she had found pooled around him, she thought it best to give him the second vial straight away, before turning to the ragged mess of bone, flesh and cloth that was his forearm.
She swallowed hard. She had never healed anything this severe before, and she decided that her telempath powers were not the best for the job. She let her wand tip hover over the mess and murmured a few spells to stench the bleeding, before casting diagnostic charms carefully.
True to his word, Severus seemed to have not used magic at all. Her eyes found the knife again and she had to force her brain not to think about why he was in this state, and why he had decided to butcher his Dark Mark.
He took another swig of his whiskey.
Serena gently took his left hand in hers and shifted his arm into an easier position. His hand was as cold as ice, and as she moved his arm she could see the tendons and nerve endings moving against the blackened bone. She felt bile rising up again and she had to swallow hard, focussing on the kitchen cupboard behind Severus for a few moments before turning her gaze back down.
Then, keeping her eyes on the job, she began a steady murmur of slow healing spells, channelling her empathy and will through her magic to heal him gently, carefully, watching as his flesh began to slowly knit itself back together before her very eyes.
She had never healed anything so ruined, and it took her over ten minutes to completely heal his arm. As the skin repaired itself, so did the ugly mark of a twisted snake and a black skull. His flesh sewed itself back together and smoothed over, his skin pale and flawless and the Dark Mark black and fierce, as though nothing had ever happened.
Satisfied with her work, Serena let out a deep breath and set her wand down, wiping sweat away from her forehead. She was covered in almost as much blood as Severus.
She gave his hand a small squeeze and looked up in shock as she felt his body shaking in response.
Severus' other hand had finally relinquished the bottle to come up and hide his crumpled face. He was sobbing. Huge, wracking great sobs. Sobs that came from his core. Sobs that tore through his very soul, and Serena felt her own soul bleeding in response.
"Oh Severus!" she whispered, throwing herself on him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders fiercely and hugging him to her as tightly as she could. She slid her body in between his legs to get closer still and tried to envelope him with her body, wanting to take this pain away from him, wanting to help him feel safe and secure.
Instead of pulling away, Severus pushed his face into her shoulder and cried harder still, his whole body shaking violently and his two hands gripping her sides tightly.
"I-I can't" he choked into her t-shirt, his voice broken and raw. "I can't do it anymore, I can't."
"That's okay," she hushed, her mind racing and spinning with too many answers to the one question she didn't dare ask him as she cradled his broken body on the kitchen floor.
What had he done?
"I-I can't. I'm- I'm a monster."
"Shh," she hushed, as tears finally spilled from her own eyes and dripped into his greasy hair. "You're not a monster to me. I know you Severus, I see you. Even as you despair I can feel your soul nestled down next to mine and I know that it is a good soul."
Severus shook his head against her arm and held her even tighter. "You don't understand," he whispered in a haunted voice. "You don't know."
"I love you," she said in a trembling voice, stroking his hair soothingly. "I love you and that is all that matters. You're okay now, you're home, you're safe, and you're with me."
He had called for her, she thought suddenly, grasping the amplitude of this realisation. Severus had been broken and self-destructive and he had sent for her instead of hiding and running away.
That shocking epiphany somehow made her insides warm and her blood freeze. Whatever had happened had been so horrific that Severus had finally accepted that he couldn't overcome it alone.
She shifted slightly and cradled Severus to her chest. His tears were still coming in wracking great sobs and she wondered when the last time had properly cried had been. "Serena, I don't want to, please, I can't."
"You don't have to do anything," she murmured into his ear, rocking him back and forth gently with her. "It's all going to be okay."
He shook his head desperately and his voice cracked. "I killed her. Nothing will e-ever be okay again."
"I promise you it will."
"It won't!" he snapped in a voice that almost made her jump, pulling away from her, his face wet and pink and streaked with his shame and fear. "It won't you don't understand! I k-killed her! I…" his voice suddenly lowered to barely a whisper and his words were so raw and honest that Serena knew she would never forget them.
"The Carrows found her kissing a muggle, you see… a child's kiss, a game, a meaningless nothing… but he was a muggle, and Alecto wouldn't let it go… He was collecting debt from Farden Higgs… and Higgs didn't have the money… so he took them both. Higgs and the girl… she… she was ten years old," he moaned in a tortured voice. "Ten years old… I teach her fucking brother… I… she was ten years old," he whispered again, more tears dropping from his haunted eyes.
He began to shake again and a long, slow moan escaped from between his trembling lips. "The Dark Lord… he… he made her do such things… they tortured her, they tortured her in front of her grandfather and I… I watched… I helped… I…" he swallowed and his eyes looked up into hers.
His soul was black and empty and the darkness that she found made her feel more scared than she had felt so far that evening.
She swallowed hard and forced herself to keep looking at him, reminding herself that he was her husband, and that she loved him, no matter what. "You said you killed her," she said softly, waiting for an answer to the question she hadn't asked.
"I had to," he said weakly. "They were hurting her, they… she had such sweet eyes… she had bright blue eyes, like Lavinia and… I couldn't see them hurting anymore, I couldn't. I had to stop it, I had to… I hit her with the killing curse in the back of the head…"
Serena clutched his arms tightly and forced herself to remain as calm as she could. "You said you helped… I don't believe you."
Severus' mouth opened and closed helplessly. "I… I helped them, I… I made the grandfather watch, an immobilising curse, I couldn't do anything for the girl, I tried to numb her, to keep the pain away, but they hit her with too many spells, the whole circle was there, I tried, you must believe me, I tried, and when I couldn't I… I stole the life from those beautiful blue eyes…"
Serena let her tears pour down her face and gave up trying to control them.
She moved back into Severus' chest and pulled him into a tight embrace as he rocked against her, pain and anguish pouring from his skin and seeping into her own body. She cried with him, she cried her tears for the man who was a puppet for the greater good, and for the young girl who had been tortured, and the boy whose sister would never come home, and the grandfather who had owed some money and lost something infinitely more precious.
His body stiffened against hers and she slowed her rocking and stroked his hair instead. She could see that his words had triggered something inside his brain and his mind was trying to take back control of the situation. She wasn't sure whether to let him or not. If he put up his occlumency shields now, he may never let her in again. But those shields were there to protect him from himself, to allow his soul to bare the pain and suffering his double life pushed upon him.
She made a split-second decision and scooted slowly away from him, giving him a moment to wipe his face, but not long enough to do his mind exercises.
She stroked his wet, pale cheek and leant in to kiss him on the forehead.
"Let's get you clean," she said softly, slowly getting to her feet and holding out her stained hand. She noticed her shoes slipped slightly on the remaining blood and she grimaced at the sight of Severus, whose robes were stained deeply.
After a few seconds, he lifted his right arm and slipped his hand into hers. She silently pulled him up and led him from the room and up the stairs.
With a spell the large bath began to fill and she chose his homemade bubble bath for its calming properties. As the tub filled, she turned to her husband who looked totally lost and helpless. He stood before the mirror, staring at himself with horror, and she felt like she witnessed a part of himself die there and then, right before her very eyes.
She pulled him gently away from the mirror and began unbuttoning his cloak. "Look at me," she whispered, glancing up into his eyes. "Look at me, my love, I'm here for you. I always will be."
He blinked and nodded, keeping his eyes on her face as she undressed him slowly. "You need to get all of this muck off your body," she said quietly, pulling his neck tie from around his shoulder and dropping it to the floor before pushing his robe off and pulling his black shirt out of his trousers and starting to unbutton that too. "Once your body is clean your mind will see clearer too… let me take care of you."
She pushed his shirt from his shoulders and let her hand graze over his bare chest before opening his trousers and pulling those down to the floor. She slipped his boxer shorts down as well and he stepped out of them obediently before walking over and sinking himself down into the tub until his entire body was submerged in the hot, bubbling water. Serena slipped off her shoes and watched fearfully as Severus folded his knees and slipped down further until his entire head was submerged under the water too. She padded around to the side of the bath and knelt down near his head, waiting with held breath, wondering how long she should wait before panicking. His fine black hair floated to the surface, as did several small air bubbles, but just before she had decided to pull him out, he came up and took in a deep breath, his hair sticking to his pale face.
Serena summoned a jug and dipped it into the warm water, before cupping his head in her other hand and encouraging him to tip his head back slightly. She carefully poured it over his hair, loosening any knots with her fingers and then summoned her own shampoo.
Neither of them needed to say anything as she rubbed her shampoo into his hair, massaging his scalp slowly and letting the lemony smell settle over them. She rinsed his hair carefully and then picked up his sponge and began massaging his body, washing away the traces of blood, scrubbing away the traces of self-harm and loathing that coated his body and soul.
She would need to cleanse her own soul, she thought honestly, being careful to stay slightly behind Severus so he could not see her thoughts in her eyes. He was her husband, and she loved him, but she couldn't deny the fact that knowing he had killed a child shocked her… disgusted her, even.
Terrence Higgs, she thought, the boy's name suddenly coming to her. Terrence Higgs was a Slytherin in her advanced charms class… And Severus had murdered his little sister.
She rubbed the sponge in circles across his shoulders, watching bitterly as the bathwater turned darker and darker as grime and blood tainted it.
She cleared her mind before moving slowly to the other side and washing his legs carefully, concentrating on her task and trying to soothe herself as much as him.
Severus seemed calmer now. His face was clear of all emotion, and his body switched between limpness and stiffness as his mind surely fought an inner battle about what he deserved or not.
"Right," she said quietly when she had washed every inch of him methodically. "Time to get you out mister. Here, take your towel, go and put your pyjamas on in the bedroom and wait for me there… I'm going to take a shower and clean up everywhere and then I'll come and join you, okay? I think we're both in need of some sleep."
Severus stood rather robotically and accepted the towel silently. She could see his shields were slowly sliding back up. She could sense the tension in his shoulders and feel the space that was opening up between them again.
Severus' self-loathing had always been his worst enemy.
She watched him go, unease sliding alongside the fear and adrenalin pumping through her veins. How on earth was she going to deal with this?
She took a deep breath and tried to clear her mind.
"Silencio." She silenced the room.
First things first. She sent a patronus to Remus, reassuring him that she was fine and that she would floo him in fifteen minutes. She also sent a quick message to Elizabeth who must be tugging her ears red with worry. She drained the bathwater and cleaned the brown line around the side of the tub. Then, she took off her blood-stained clothes and stepped into the shower.
More emotion burst from her chest once under the comforting, hot water, and she sunk to the shower floor, holding herself tight and crying for all of the shit that kept happening to them.
Why? She asked in her head angrily, why him? Why do you keep fucking doing this to him? Why do you keep torturing him in this way? She clenched her fists and screamed. She screamed herself hoarse under the hot water. She screamed and she shrieked and she roared until there was no anger left within her.
She slipped out of the shower and put on her jogging bottoms that were hanging over the back of the chair. Then, she padded across the hall and took one of her old t-shirts out of the spare bedroom wardrobe. The door to their bedroom was shut and she didn't quite dare open it just yet. She padded barefoot down the stairs and hovered in the doorway to the kitchen. The floor was a strange, murky brown-red colour and their footprints had smudged Severus' blood across the floor. Her eyes fell upon the knife she had used to cut up onions the day before.
"Evanesco," she muttered, vanishing the mess. "Evanesco, scourgify, scourgify…" She hovered her wand over the knife and thought it best to just vanish that, too. A few air-freshening charms later and the kitchen looked as though nothing had ever happened.
She moved back into the living room and silenced the room, before kneeling in front of the fireplace and taking a handful of floo powder.
"Number twelve Grimmauld Place."
She gritted her teeth against the horrible sensation of her head spinning away from her body, and felt relieved when the kitchen at Grimmauld Place came quickly into view.
"Serena!"
Remus and Samuel were the only ones in the kitchen now, and they both rushed to the fireplace as her head appeared.
"Hey," she said softly, trying to smile bravely. "He's fine, he was at home, he was hurt, but he's all healed now. Nothing too bad, I think he just had a difficult meeting."
Somehow, lying to protect him was the easiest thing in the world.
"Do you need any help?" Samuel asked in a worried voice.
"No, he's fine now, really. Elizabeth was right to come and get me, but he's fine, just tired. We're supposed to be heading to Hogwarts tomorrow… I'm not sure if he will need a little longer to recover, but I'll let you know, Remus."
Remus nodded, his brown eyes searching hers deeply. She looked away and gave them both a quick smile. "Thanks for looking out for me," she said quietly. "I'd best get back."
"Okay."
"Look after yourself."
She nodded, smiled again and pulled back.
Once back at Spinner's End she sat cross-legged on the rug for a few minutes, reminding herself how much she loved Severus, trying to force herself to understand that he had no other choice, that he did what he had to as he always fucking did… it took her a while to summon enough courage to climb the stairs to the bedroom and push open the door.
