Chapter 68.
"Maybe now would be a good time to head to the Krak." said Sam, looking at his watch. There's nothing else we need to be doing and we can talk about the Jules thing there and the Dean thing."
"And the saving the angel from himself thing?" said Cas.
"I'm not sure what you mean." said Sam, disappointed that Cas had seen through Mary's coffee ploy.
Cas smiled. "You know, the ending of Titanic was a disappointment to me."
That, Sam couldn't pretend to understand.
"It was a big door. Four people could have been saved on that thing. I get why she killed him. The times being what they were, their affair would have been an embarrassment and letting him die removed the problem."
"I'm not sure we watched the same movie." said Sam, "And I think maybe we're not both on the same page now."
"The ship sank, Sam and we're all getting tired of trying to stay alive in the cold. You keep trying to lift me and Jack onto that door with your last strength. It's a big door. We can all float ashore on it."
"What if it isn't the last of my strength?" said Sam, "What if I'm planning to push that door ashore with all of you clinging to it?"
"Is that your plan?" said Cas.
"It is now." said Sam honestly.
"I don't need to be rescued."
"Yesterday ... "
"Yesterday was different." said Cas.
"Every day, every hour, could be different. You might be fine now and leaping off a cliff an hour from now."
"You know many cliffs around here?"
"Metaphor."
"Oh. And leaping off a cliff wouldn't hurt me."
"Again, metaphor. You're never more than one bad thought away from disaster. And you think a thousand thoughts a minute. So forgive me if I worry about you."
"Why Mary? Why get her to ask?"
"Her idea." said Sam, "She thought you wouldn't destroy yourself if you felt she needed you."
"Oh." said Cas. He looked troubled.
"Cas, I know it seems like manipulation ... "
"Because it is."
"Because it is. But it's because we love you."
"Yes." said Cas, "And I am grateful. Just as I am grateful that you watched over me yesterday, even if it means Jules knows I went to Stull Cemetery."
"Sorry about that."
"Don't be. Not much could get through to me yesterday, but talking about my kids and Jules, to kind strangers and then finding out that you never stopped caring about me ... "
"And never will, Cas."
"When I left here yesterday, I felt alone and homeless. You and Mary and Jules brought me home. I don't suppose you'd tell me how you knew where I was?"
"And have you prevent that in future? No, Cas. It was a dirty trick, but one I may need again and although I want to be honest with you, I will never tell you anything that will make it easy for you to disappear and get lost. We can't lose you again. I can't. Dean can't. It destroyed him, last time."
Cas said nothing, just stared off into the distance as if listening for something.
"Cas?" said Sam.
"Now that things are officially official between Jules and me, I probably need to tell Claire about her."
"You haven't already?"
"As a hunter, I may have mentioned her."
"You've been living with her how long?"
"It's difficult. Claire and I ... and then Claire has been through so much."
That was an understatement and Cas blamed himself for all of it. He loved her like a daughter and she, with good reason to hate him, had forgiven him and come to love him right back, but he still wore her dead father and he was constantly aware of the pain that brought her. Their whole family was so messed up. Every member of it carried so much painful baggage and those who loved each other most had inflicted the most terrible wounds.
Cas wanted to tell his sort of daughter about his sort of wife, but would rather stay silent forever than increase the pain he caused her. Sam felt sorry for all of them, but in a weird kind of way, it showed the love Cas felt for Claire, a strong, protective love perhaps inspired by his time with Jimmy, perhaps not, but powerful and prodigious. It was the same love that had tethered the wild, world-shaking power of a nephilim and made Jack a devoted and diligent son and not a monstrous force of nature, tearing the universe apart to see what would happen.
"Do you want me to tell Claire?" said Sam.
Cas looked at him gratefully. "Thanks, but no. It's my job. It's her right to hear it from me."
"For what it's worth, I think she'll be pleased. I think she'll like Jules."
"They are very alike." said Cas.
"Yes, they are." said Sam.
"We should leave the Krak for now." said Cas, "My head is all ... " he waved his hand uncertainly.
"When you're ready. Maybe later." said Sam.
"Maybe. I should check on Jack."
"Yeah."
"But thanks. Thanks for everything."
"No problem." said Sam, "You're important to us."
Cas met his gaze, nodded and left the room.
Sam called Sarah. As soon as she answered he said, "Hey Sarah! Just letting you know Cas is okay."
"Good. And Jules?"
"Jules is amazing. She has an incredible effect on Cas."
"Yes, she does. Keep them close together and they're both fine. I have to admit, I've been worried about her. She took some dried yarrow flowers from the cellar."
"Yarrow?"
"She's allowed. What's mine is hers. I just worry about crossroads deals."
"You think she'd make one? She's not stupid."
"No, but we're all getting desperate. I mean, I've thought about it. I told myself no demon could be powerful to snap an archangel out of his vessel. That's probably true, isn't it?"
Sam hated the speculation in her voice, the hint that, if it were not true, she might be heading for the nearest crossroads herself. "It's definitely true." he said quickly, "No demon can do a thing to Michael, not even Crowley and Crowley was the best."
"Good to know for sure." she said, "You know, around 3 am, when you're thinking of all the things you never got the chance to say to Dean and all the progress he'd made on fighting his own demons, there's a little voice that whispers, 'Who wants to go to Heaven anyway?'"
"It's better than Hell."
"I'm not so sure. At least Hell is real."
"You're scaring me, Sarah." said Sam.
"But you'd have given your soul without hesitation, if it had a chance of saving Dean, so it doesn't. I'm a dumb old broad, but not so dumb I'd give my soul up without a reason. Just make sure Jules knows it won't work too. There's nothing she wouldn't do for Cas and no sacrifice she wouldn't make to reunite him with Dean."
"Do any of you ever think how it feels to watch you all lining up to throw your lives away?" he said, "I'm scared to take a nap in case you all leap into Hell for Dean. And can you imagine how angry he'd be with me if I let that happen?"
"Very valid points." she said, "My only excuse is that I can't let Dean stay lost. It's like losing Carl all over again. I know the idea was insane, but insane is all I have right now."
"Right there with you." said Sam, "But maybe we should remember that Dean won't be giving up either. Jules thinks he can beat Michael."
"He'd better." said Sarah, "We need him home."
"Yes, we do." said Sam.
