Chapter 120: Auld Lang Syne


Two friends have a chat on the first day of the new year.

"And there's a hand, my trusty fiere!
And gie's a hand o' thine!
And we'll tak a right guid willy waught,
For auld lang syne."

- Robert Burns


"Did I ever tell you about the very first New Year's Eve which Judy and I worked together as cops?" Nick asked as he set his mug down on the kitchen table. Despite that it was already midmorning, the raccoon sitting nearby was still dressed in his blue cotton pajamas and had his head in his paws as he stared with bloodshot eyes at his own mug of coffee. There were voices and the sounds of movement coming from the upstairs rooms of the old stately Victorian house, suggesting that the others living there did not suffer what was currently bedeviling the home's owner downstairs.

"Don't talk so loud!" Jake admonished the lanky red fox in the green sport shirt. "My head hurts, heck, my whole body hurts all the way down to the very tip of my tail!"

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have tried to drink a whole magnum of the old bubbly by yourself?"

"I didn't do that, but it was a really great New Year's Eve party last night...at least I think it was?"

"Turning your company's downtown warehouse into a party venue for your employees and friends was a great idea, although watching all of your ex-con pals betting on who can be the fastest to open those practice safes that you store there was somewhat scary for a cop."

"Some of those guys have had decades of experience being safecrackers."

"Some of those guys have spent decades in jail for being safecrackers."

"Well, they are all now retired."

"At least that is what they say," Nick chuckled before he sipped from his mug. "But, I'm not so sure because there were a lot of them doing their best at trying to avoid me."

"They were the smart ones," Jake began to snicker and then the raccoon winced before he put his paws back on his head. "It wasn't just because you're a cop, it was because you were telling puns again."

"Oh come on, those jokes were classics!" the fox protested. "Like the one that goes..."

"No! No! NO!" Jake objected as he laid his head upon the table seemingly in despair.

"How do you say goodbye on New Year's Eve?"

"Please, don't do this!"

"You say, see you next year!" Nick laughed out as he slapped the table in glee. "Get it?" Next year, like…"

"No need to explain, I got it alright but it just wasn't that funny," Jake sighed.

"Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer?" the fox continued.

"This mug is just too small for me to try to drown myself in coffee, so there seems to be no way to put myself out of my misery," the raccoon mused out loud.

"So you can start off the new year in a cool way!" the fox chuckled as he answered his own question.

Jake just groaned.

"What happened to the skunk who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve?"

"Great, now we have cop jokes."

"He got twelve months!"

"Mom!" a young voice called out from upstairs. " Uncle Nick is telling his jokes again! I'm going to Billy's house."

There were the sounds of footpaws thumping down the wooden stairs as two young raccoons and a coyfox fled out the front door.

The slamming of the door caused Jake to wince yet again. "When did Cheri arrive?" he finally asked. "I don't recall her arriving."

"She is part fox, did you forget how sneaky we foxes can be?" Nick sarcastically answered. "Or maybe she never left last night? She and Freddie are growing up, so you better have that conversation about the birds and the bees with him soon."

"Are you positive that there isn't something about that in his Junior Ranger Scout Handbook or maybe a Facts of Life merit badge? If so, I will leave it to his scoutmaster to do it."

"No, I have already told you before that this scoutmaster does not intend to tell him just because his father is a chicken."

"Sugar, I'm going next door to have coffee with Judy!" Marie yelled as she too fled the house.

Jake winced yet again as the front door slammed closed. "Weren't you going to tell me something about your first New Year's Eve as a cop?" the raccoon finally asked.

"Oh yeah, I got distracted and forgot!"

"That's because you're getting forgetful in your old age."

"I'm only a few years older than you, coon."

"Eight years older, Gramps."

Nick didn't argue, but instead, he just gave the raccoon a very foxy version of the evil eye.

"Okay…okay...just tell me your story."

"It was the early morning of the new year and most of our night had been spent driving around in the police cruiser doing things like breaking up drunk revelers having arguments or ticketing and towing DUIs, the normal stuff. It was about four in the morning and we were driving down a quiet residential street near the University of Zootopia when we saw a well dressed, but very drunk, porcupine staggering down the middle of the road towards us. Carrots immediately wanted to arrest him for public drunkenness, but I had no intention of being accidentally quilled while trying to put pawcuffs on the guy."

"That makes sense, but how did you get Judy to agree with you?"

"I simply told her she would have to cuff him."

The raccoon just smiled in reply before he picked up and drank from his mug.

"So there we were, two cops towards the end of a very long shift confronting a peaceful, but intoxicated, citizen so I asked him what was he doing walking around so early in the morning."

"Good question, what did he say?"

"He drew back and wobbled a little before he told me he was on his way to a lecture."

"Wait, who would be giving a lecture at that time of the morning? Wasn't the university closed for the holidays?"

"That is exactly what I asked him, who would be giving a lecture, and he slurred out the perfect answer."

"What was that?"

The fox gave a huge grin before he tried to nonchalantly answer, "His wife."

The raccoon laughed and then groaned yet again as he held his aching head.

"So Carrots insisted we give the guy a ride home and we did. Of course, since no good deed goes unpunished, she and I spent well over an hour after our shift was over pulling loose quills out of the car's backseat."

Jake gave a small chuckle before he lifted his mug of coffee and saluted the fox. "Here's to a Happy New Year," he said as he thumped his mug against the fox's mug.

"Happy New Year, buddy!" Nick replied with a smile even as he reached over and lovingly ruffled the fur between his best friend's ears.


I take no credit nor responsibility for any of Nick's jokes or his story, they were poached from online sources and I just Zootopiafied them.

Happy New Year everyone and may it be a good one for us all! Stay healthy and safe.