Chapter 124: "Vanboozled"
Nick has a really, really bad day at work. This chapter was inspired by a true event.
There was a clanking noise outside, which caused Jake to peek out of his home's front window. He pulled back the curtain to watch a rather decrepit looking rusty black sedan drive by and he winced at the scraping noise the car made when it pulled into the driveway of the house next door. A spluttering noise, followed by the bang of backfiring, sounded when the vehicle's engine was turned off and a puff of black smoke belched from its tailpipe. The raccoon quickly ran across the hallway and grabbed his winter jacket, pulling it on even as he opened the front door and trod his way through the wet melting snow towards the discouraged looking red fox sitting inside of the car.
After a few choice curses, which made the raccoon's ears blush, the fox, who was seemingly trapped inside of the vehicle, finally shoved the door open and climbed out. In his anger, he slammed the car door shut again before he turned and began walking towards his house. There was a jerk that almost caused the fox to tumble backward and he twisted to glare at where he had caught the bottom of his khaki-colored trench coat in the offending door. With another creative curse, he gripped the car door's handle and gave it a tug. After yet another frantic yank, the door finally opened and he pulled his coat free.
"Nick, you're lucky that the handle didn't come off," Jake snickered as he watched the fox wipe off his coat. "This car is a hunk of junk! What happened to that nice shiny unmarked police car that you were driving this morning?"
"It was in a crash!"
"Wait, you wrecked another car?"
"It wasn't my fault." Nick snapped as he stormed down the icy sidewalk towards his house's front door. His arms suddenly waved in vain over his head while he tried to gain his footing again after he slipped and, with a grunt, he landed tail-first into the snow. "Is this pick on a fox day or something?" Nick screamed towards the heavens above.
"Are you okay?" Jake asked with concern as he helped his best friend up and began to wipe the snow off his coat. The raccoon sniffed the air and the scent he caught surprised him, for the fox reeked of familiar smelling alcohol.
The angry fox didn't answer the raccoon while he fumbled for his keys and unlocked the house's front door, he swung it open, and then he punched a code into the alarm so it would stop beeping. Nick barely took time to wipe his footpaws on the entry mat before he yanked his coat off and tossed it onto the floor. Then he silently stormed his way directly toward the kitchen.
The raccoon followed, pausing to pick up the fox's discarded jacket even as he sniffed it yet again and it definitely smelled like alcohol. Jake realized that the garment reeked as if it had been dowsed with wine. Carefully, he draped the coat on a peg before he removed and hung up his own jacket. Finally, he joined the fox in the kitchen. Nick still hadn't answered his question, but instead had yanked a cabinet door open and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. Without even adding ice, the fox unscrewed the cap and poured himself a hardy shot into a glass, then he tossed down the amber liquid in one gulp. "You want a drink?" he wheezed and coughed to the raccoon.
"Here sit down and I will put the kettle on to make you a nice warming cup of tea," Jake offered and then he slowly added. "Haven't you already had enough of that stuff today?"
"NOT YOU TOO!" Nick snarled out in anger as he shoved the bottle aside. "This is the first drink I've had in three days!"
Jake filled the silver-colored kettle with water before he put it on the stove and turned on the gas. "I'm sorry, but you really smell like you've been on a bender."
"I haven't been drinking!" the fox almost howled out in frustration. "You're sounding just like that idiot from Internal Affairs, they had my incident report, and yet I had to take a blood test just to prove to them I hadn't had a drink!"
"Then why do you stink as if you did?"
The fox silently just stared at the table for a few moments before he answered the question. "This day started out fantastic, I was cruising down the highway towards the Canyonlands where I was going to interview a few witnesses about an earlier case that I was wrapping up. Then I overheard on the police radio that there had been a break-in and burglary of a fine dining restaurant down the road. I was starting to call in when Clawhauser gave an all-points bulletin that a couple of officers were in a high-speed pursuit of the thieves in a large white van. Even as he was speaking, the van shot past me going the other direction with the police cruiser right behind it."
"So, was it a snatch and grab?"
"No, they broke into the restaurant's cellar before it opened and stole over fifty thousand bucks of vintage wine."
"Wine thieves?"
"So I called in that I was joining the pursuit and turned on my car's lights and siren as I sped through traffic trying to catch up with the fleeing van."
"I take it you caught up with it?"
"Yep, I was just behind the patrol car. Then the thieves opened the van doors and began tossing the bottles at us."
"They were throwing away expensive vintage wine?"
"The officer behind the patrol cruiser's wheel lost control and their car skidded off the road and into a ditch. He called in that they were okay, so I kept going. A couple more patrol cars were right behind me and I knew that there was no way that the crooks were going to escape."
"That sounds exciting but dangerous!"
"The next thing I know Benji is calling for me to drop back and let Officer Oakson pull in front of me."
"Isn't Oakson that huge musclebound moose from Tundratown?"
"Yep, he was in a big SUV, along with a rookie female cheetah I didn't know. So anyway, I was now staring at the black and white rear end of their police vehicle and then it happened." Nick paused to put the cap back on the bottle of whiskey.
"What happened?" Jake asked.
"They got me."
"They hit you with a bottle of wine?"
"I was told it was a rare 1928 Château La Félin, a full elephant-sized double magnum bottle of it."
"They threw a bottle of Champaign that large at you?"
"No, they propped it just inside the van door and popped the cork. Oakson swerved and they missed him, but all I saw was this huge cork flying right at me. Apparently, the idiot who popped it hadn't let go and he was still clinging to it. I have never seen a weasel give such a look of terror before. Then it was as if everything just went into slow motion, his eyes were wide as saucers, his mouth open as he screamed, and I winced because I knew that he was going to hit me. Just as I started stepping on the brakes, I saw a uniformed paw quickly reach out of the passenger's side of Oakson's SUV and the rookie snatched the thief by his tail. It simply amazes me how quick some cats can react."
"She saved him?" Jake asked as he leaned over the table in excitement. "She actually saved him?"
"Yep," the fox answered. "But then the cork rocketed into my car window's glass and shattered it."
"Wait, it broke through tempered glass?"
"That cork was larger than my head!"
"Wow, so that made you lose control of your car?"
"Nope, it was the torrent of bubbly wine which followed. It shot out of that bottle like it was coming from a fire hose and engulfed the whole front of the car. Between the broken window and the deluge of wine, I was blinded and lost control. The next thing I remembered was that I had hit the median and the car was scraping along the concrete wall until I could bring it to a stop."
"I'm amazed you didn't get hurt or even killed!" Jake said as he walked back over to where the kettle was now whistling. He opened a cabinet door and took out two mugs. Finding the tea carton, he ripped open a couple of packets of black tea and put them into the mugs before he filled each with piping hot water.
"One of the patrol cars and a couple of concerned citizens stopped to help me get out of the car and check on me," Nick sighed out as he watched the raccoon set the mugs down on the table in front of him.
"Well, you seem no worse for the wear," the raccoon said as he took a seat. "Although, you still smell a bit like a wino."
"When we got the door open, Champaign just poured out of the car and onto the roadway."
"That was a lot of wine!"
"It was a very, very big bottle."
"Did they catch the crooks?" Jake asked before he took a sip from his mug.
"Of course," Nick answered before the fox picked up his own mug and gave a contented sigh while he too took a sip. "When I got back to the station, Internal Affairs was waiting and they didn't even let me take a shower or change clothes until they questioned me, so I sat sodden wet in an office for what seemed like an hour before they made me take a blood-alcohol test at the hospital. When it came back negative, they finally let me go."
"Well, I guess that turned out to be a good thing," Jake said with a small smile. "At least they can't come back on you to say you were at fault for the crash."
"Afterward, I went to the locker room to shower and found out they were repairing the hot water heater, so I just wore these filthy clothes home," Nick sighed out as he finally shook off the soiled sports jacket he was wearing and pulled off his gun harness.
"So, why did the head of the motor pool stick you with that clunker?"
"She is still mad that I crashed another car," the fox huffed out.
"Well, it wasn't your fault that you had an accident this time, but you have to admit that you didn't really crash the one before that. If I remember right, you purposely smashed it through a warehouse's metal door," Jake chuckled.
"The drug dealers we were after had taken a hostage and there wasn't enough time to wait for SWAT to arrive," Nick said with a smirk. "You should have seen it! Just after I smashed the car through the door, Wolford was already leaning out of the passenger side window and had started blasting away with his taser rifle. We got the bad guys, saved the hostage, and seized six bales of illegal nip!"
"You also got reprimanded for damaging your police cruiser too!" the raccoon added
"A verbal reprimand only from old Buffalo Butt," the fox answered as he gave his friend a grin. "He wasn't even mad enough to get that loud. Come to think of it, Priscilla screamed at me louder than he did."
"And now she gave you a junker to drive."
"I'm sure I can use the old Wilde Magic on her and sweet talk her into giving me a new car."
The sly silver-tongued fox miserably failed with his attempted "sweet talk" and he was exiled to driving the clunker for another six months until he hit a large bump and the front wheel axle snapped.
Earlier this year, thieves hit a five-star hotel, the Domaine de Rymska Saint-Jean-de-Trézy, in Burgundy, and robbed some of their stock of expensive fine wine. The French gendarmes were soon in hot pursuit of the fleeing van and the crooks began throwing bottles of the wine at their patrol car. It was the second time the hotel's cellar was robbed, the first time the burglar alarm did not go off. I guess the hotel's owners should have hired Jake's company?
A popped Champaign cork can reach up to 50 miles per hour, enough force to put your eye out. Could a large cork really bust a car window? I doubt that, but this is Zootopia where a bunny and a fox can flush themselves down a toilet and survive. Yes, there is such a thing as a double magnum and it is equal to four regular bottles.
