"Are you okay," Liliana mouthed to Chandra.
Two weeks had passed since they became a couple and their relationship had been nearly non-existent. On top of trying to hide it, both of them were so behind in their studies that they decided they should focus on that – or rather, Liliana said they should and her conviction inspired Chandra. They had tried studying together, but it proved unproductive.
Today was the first time they had been out of the house together other than school. Unfortunately, Gideon was with them and the only reason they were together, riding up an old, rickety elevator in a miserable office building was to escort Chandra to her first veteran support group.
She stoically nodded back at her girlfriend as their hands squeezed together inside Chandra's pocket. Gideon's back was to them, granting the two of them this tiny spot of romance. They had considered telling him about their relationship, but Pia had a knack for getting anyone to talk.
The three of them got off on the eighth floor to a dismal grey lobby devoid of anything but hallways, chairs and a single person who was obscured by a hood; all Chandra could see was some poor soul twitching nervously in dirty clothes and the redhead started to wonder if she wasn't the most nervous person in the building. In anxious solidarity, Chandra raised her hood over her head as well.
Acknowledging the fidgety stranger, Gideon spoke in a hush which always sounded silly with his deep voice, "you just need to remember that coming here is a sufficient first step. Once you're in there, you don't need to feel obligated to do anything other than listen." Liliana nodded her agreement as they encouraged her down the hallway marked with a colourful comic sans sign welcoming her.
Not an auspicious start. Her friends were probably waving at her as she walked headfirst to the lone open door at the end of the hall. Chandra could see people buzzing around the room, unfolding chairs. The reality of being vulnerable and insecure in a room full of strangers was really starting to dawn on her.
You're doing it for her, Chandra had repeated this to herself all day and she was certain it was the only thing getting one foot in front of the other to take her into a small room with circles of folding chairs. The meeting place was dirty and half-painted eggshell. It really looked like somewhere that people no one gave a shit about would be brushed off to and Chandra knew that's what was going on here.
Most people didn't care about those that need group therapy, but this went beyond typical apathy. Dominaria had been relatively peaceful for longer than anyone here had been alive, so if these were all war vets, it meant they were likely all immigrants and Chandra guessed that they weren't upper class immigrants like she was. They didn't have world famous heroes for mothers and a lot of them were from the losing side.
No one had said a word and Chandra already knew she didn't belong here.
Assuming the back row was for people silently signalling that they didn't want to speak, that's where Chandra parked herself.
She made sure to find a chair with a line of sight to the door. Normally that's a trick she would use to manage her anxiety, but this time, Chandra was acting out of curiosity – a chance to see the stranger from the lobby, but as more chairs filled, it seemed increasingly unlikely that she would get the chance.
After a few minutes of alternating her gaze from the floor to the door, a tall woman that seemed more put together than anyone else shut it, signalling that it was time to begin with no sign of the shrouded fidgeter and Chandra was surprised at how concerned that made her.
The woman that silently beckoned everyone together was the first to speak. "It's great to see everyone. Let's just take a moment to bask in the strength it took to bring us together." The golden skinned middle aged woman with her long brown curls came across as delicate with her cheery tone, sweet smile and small frame, but the only emotion showing in anyone elses eyes was admiration for their leader.
Chandra, caught up in how the older woman reminded her of her mother, must have been a little too apparent in her admiration, surrendering her back row advantage.
"And let's also take a moment to say hello to someone new." The therapist soldier's sharp eyes were looking past Chandra's hood and bangs into her soul, and her overly friendly disposition was almost enough to draw that soul out of her. "Would you like to introduce yourself?"
Heads began twisting and turning to gawk at her.
They're going to know I don't belong here. Why did I let them talk me in to doing this?
Chandra's legs squeezed together as her hands slid into her pockets and she muttered just loud enough to be heard, "I'm Zara," and chuckled nervously. That's the best you could do? She immediately realized that if she wanted to be inconspicuous, borrowing a name from an important member of the rebellion was a worse choice than just saying Sarah.
"Well Zara, I'm Jirina. We're really glad you're here." Jirina's enthusiasm may have been overbearing, but Chandra appreciated how genuine it was as well as the confirming nods from half the room; even more, she appreciated that the older soldier picked up on her nerves and moved on to the rest of the room. "Anyone have a week they want to talk about?"
The meeting went pleasantly from there. An older man named Rafiq told them about going to the park with his kids and how the cold didn't bother him this time; an intimidating woman who didn't introduce herself seemed pretty happy about the first third date she had since, "before it started."
The casual conversation was putting Chandra at ease. Even though her body was continuing to get smaller, and even though she knew these people were better than her, at least this way she wasn't hearing stories that reminded her that she was just a dumb kid out of place.
Every so often, Jirina gave a sideways glace at a woman opposite of Chandra. She was underweight and pale with messy waist length red hair and she had looked like she was on the verge of saying something for the past twenty minutes and Jirina seemed to breathe a sigh of relief when she finally did.
"My, uh-" When she did try to speak, the woman's coughed like she hadn't had water in days. Her skin was still very youthful so Chandra figured she couldn't be older than 30, but she looked wearier than any old lady Chandra had ever come across. "My nightmares have been happening less." Her voice was as tired as her eyes which alternated between scanning the room and looking at the ground. Clearly she was both shy and desperate for connection.
"But they've gotten more real." The rest of the group acknowledged her pain in some way. Nodding, smiling, frowning. Jirina piped in, "That can happen with the new medication you started."
The tired woman ignored her. "It was my last night there. Me and my friend were running to get the escape point Venser had built." Chandra felt a sickening feeling in her throat. High school social studies hadn't been that long ago and she remembered the name Venser.
"I couldn't see their faces. Like they were blank." Venser was a Dominarian scientist that died off plane helping a war effort. "The smell of all the burning bodies...I really thought I forgotten how bad that was but even when I woke up, I could feel the sting in my nose." The woman was recounting the last few days of the Phyrexian invasion of Mirrodin.
Almost everyone, if not everyone this woman ever knew was dead. Her entire race was nearly wiped out, her home stolen from her and she had seen up close the horrors that Chandra had seen in blurry photographs that had left her 15 year old self sleepless for weeks.
When the session had started, the young woman from Kaladesh felt out of place. Now she wanted to apologize for having the nerve to be in the same building. Her chant of, you're doing it for her was dropping to a whisper as it was being overtaken by her self loathing. Unable to silence her own belittlement, Chandra blanked out for the rest of the Mirran's story as well as whatever positive platitude Jirina added.
As horrible as the rest of the tale must have been, the battered woman looked cheerier for telling it and Chandra tried to focus on being happy for her rather disgusted with herself. Everyone in the room seemed to have a some kind of smile on of varying genuineness'. Not wanting to seem cold, Chandra told herself to light up a bit as well but found she already was.
Okay, just focus. If that woman can live through that, you can at least do the decent thing and listen.
Another man started up – looked around 40 though the baldness probably increased his age. He was short enough that if he were a soldier, he probably got teased for it and when he spoke he seemed apathetic like he was just going through the motions, but out of respect, Chandra was intent on listening.
"My friends from back home keep bugging me to come back." He spoke soft and flat. "They just don't get that I can't live life as a pariah." Chandra figured this guy had been on the wrong side of history, but as philosophically interesting as that was, she quickly became much more interested in his place in the world.
"There's this big celebration fair coming up. Part of it is taking place where the last battle was fought. Just steps away from where they killed my brother and I'm supposed to celebrate that?" Suddenly, the balding man's apathy was grating Chandra like nails on a chalkboard.
Jirina, apparently able to recognize when a question wasn't rhetorical responded softly, "you have to remember its peace that they're celebrating. Peace is what everyone wants, right?"
He scoffed. "If peace is what everyone wanted, that war wouldn't have happened in the first place."
It's not that simple, Chandra wanted to call out as her ears began to ring in anger as this man made light of the kind of things her parents struggled for.
"I know, I know, both sides did bad things." he was finally beginning to emote a little but it were as if he was telling a joke. "But they started it and now I can't go home unless I thank them for doing it?" He laughed. It wasn't loud or drawn out but it was sincere. "Well, I say..."
Finally, he gave a thumbs down and blew a raspberry. The last echo of, you're doing it for her, faded away and Chandra, without thought, got out of her chair and glided out of the door. She knew all eyes must have been on her so she did it as quietly as possible. Unfortunately, her delicate closing of the door behind her made it apparent to the hawks that escorted her here – the ones that had been waiting near the door the entire time – that she was ducking out early and this was when Chandra stopped gliding and marched forward with force.
Chandra's hood was still raised over her face and she was avoiding eye contact but Liliana sounded distinctly worried when she asked, "is everything okay?" The fact that her tone was one of concern rather than frustration told Chandra that her girlfriend had poorly placed faith that the only reason she would possibly abandon her promise was for anxiety.
Ignoring the question, Chandra said with hurried anger, "this isn't going to work," as she tried to walk through her escorts who collectively held her back. Liliana and Gideon were both a fair bit stronger than she was and though she was squirrelly enough to break loose of one of them, the wall in front of her was impenetrable.
Chandra looked past them down the hall to be as dismissive as possible while trying to sound reasonable. "Private therapy, strap me down and shock me, cut out a piece of my brain, I don't care but I'm not doing this." Hoping they might let up, she tried to press on again but they wouldn't budge.
"I know this must be difficult for you," Gideon said softly as he increased his resistance, pushing Chandra back. "But you did promise us you would at least try."
With increasing fury engulfing her, Chandra was way past a guilt trip working. She knew her disregard for their emotions was straining her relationship with each of them, but that wasn't stopping her now. Getting aggressive with her girlfriend (though Chandra figured that status was probably dying as she spoke) seemed particularly inappropriate so she looked up at Gideon with bared teeth and growled, "get the hell out of my way before I make you." She topped it off by grabbing his shirt in a ball which she felt was a nice touch.
Before anyone could respond to the threat, a voice appeared behind her. It was Mr. Comedian. "Hey Zara, I hope I didn't-"
Gideon and Liliana immediately became irrelevant as did getting the hell out of here as originally planned. She turned back to her fellow patient, grabbed him by the collar with both hands and, with unprecedented force, slammed him against the wall.
Chandra hissed just quietly enough that she wouldn't be heard in the other room. "You've got some fucking nerve coming here with your sob story, you pathetic worm."
Nervously and without resistance against her grip he asked, "I take it you were with the Renegades?"
The celebration he had mentioned was the upcoming Inventors' Fair, the site was the Aether Spire that hosted the final fight of the war and the ones he thought were so against peace were the rebels. The small man was a former Consulate soldier.
