Chapter Seventy-Two: Disillusion
Luke and Leia were suspiciously quiet during dinner.
Oh, they were good at hiding it. At least from Winter, who animatedly talked about their day. They obligatorily chimed in at all the right parts. Leia made all the right snide comments, Luke responded that she was being too mean, and Winter giggled none the wiser. But it was just a little too practiced, a little too like reading from a script with none of the exuberance and passion the two usually exhibited in everything they did.
Ahsoka pretended not to notice. For all their sake. It was hard to carve out these nights, two days a week, amid her busy schedule. Though, it was much easier now that she wasn't going on as many field missions. Most people assumed that it was because she needed to stay at base to oversee other missions. Truthfully, although Ahsoka had no problem throwing herself into danger to accomplish an objective, she wasn't so heedless to not realize that she was a lot more durable than the life that grew within her. So strong, for sure, the medical droid she discreetly went to see assured her. Yet, so fragile.
Pulling back some worked out for her, though. More time with the twins and Winter, and no one else questioned her for "slowing down," assuming she was finally finding a balance.
Ahsoka decided to indulge the twins in their little game, long used to having to wait for the right moment. The right moment came sooner than she thought. Winter jumped out her seat and grabbed a folder off the coffee table not too far away.
"Where are you going?"
"Senator Mothma is helping me with an assignment for school," Winter replied. "It's something about the politics of the Republic, and I wanted to ask someone who used to be a part of the Senate then to explore how it was different, if it was different, from the Empire. Before the Empire disbanded it."
"You're going by yourself?"
"Threepio will be with me," Winter said, gesturing to the droid that was waiting for her at the door.
Before Ahsoka could tell the girl to comm her when she got to the former senator's quarters, she'd dashed out the door with Threepio calling for her not to run. Ahsoka rolled her eyes but smiled. At least the girl wasn't so sad about her parents anymore.
"Okay," Ahsoka said without waiting. "Are either of you going to tell me what's going on, or am I'm going to have to pry it out of you?"
"Nothing's wrong, mama," Luke muttered.
"Sure," Ahsoka said, nudging at the bond she had with the two since they were just days old.
"We don't wanna bother you," Luke insisted.
"We know you're busy. It's stupid anyway," Leia added.
"I am never too busy for the two of you. I wouldn't make sure we could have dinner like this if I were. I also wouldn't let you burst into a High Command meeting to interrupt me with a debate either," Ahsoka said.
Luke's ears turned red, and Leia looked into her lap in shame.
"We didn't realize you were in a meeting," Leia murmured.
"We're sorry," Luke apologized.
"Don't be. You saved me from Satine," Ahsoka grumbled.
They both giggled.
"You're weird, Mama. She's always nice when we have tea with her and Obi-wan on her visits. She tells us all about Mandalore," Luke argued.
"Oh. And she let us see the markings on her cane and explained what they mean on Mandalore. Do you know that in Mandalorian culture, a cane is a sign of strength and resolve? Not weakness. It's—"
"You're as subtle at changing the subject when you don't want to talk about something as your dad is," Ahsoka pointed out, cutting Leia off. "But I'll allow it."
The twins' mood plunged, and Ahsoka realized she'd inadvertently found the problem.
"What is it about your dad that has you upset?"
Luke and Leia looked at each other, an exchange in the Force passing between them before they both sighed.
"It's not really him we're upset about, just…" Luke trailed off.
Leia crossed her arms, a consternated look on her face as she said, "We heard the Jedi talking about dad."
Ahsoka frowned. "The Jedi?"
There weren't usually many Jedi who congregated on the base. Obi-wan and Cal were the only two that were ever-present. The rest were typically stationed on assignments elsewhere across the territory that was very tentatively dubbed Rebellion space. Not as generals—for the most part—but as consultants and advisors in the strictest sense of the word. Every now and then, they were present to check-in. Ahsoka noticed there were more than usual present at one time than normal. Seven, not including Obi-wan and Cal. But she hadn't thought it odd. More had passed through at the same time before.
"Yeah. It sounded like they were having a meeting."
Ahsoka had no doubt that Luke and Leia had been eavesdropping when they weren't supposed to be, but she was hardly going to admonish them for it now.
"Who was there?"
"We don't know. Obi-wan, for sure. The rest we didn't recognize. There was a zabarath with long dark hair and… someone named Kanan? A couple of more humans and another species we didn't recognize," Luke replied.
The zabarath was probably Eeth Koth. Diya and four other members of Ahsoka's Jedi preservation task force narrowly saved him, his wife, and their newborn daughter from Vader and inquisitors. Ahsoka wasn't sure how much subtle assistance Vader had given them since that was just after she and Vader agreed to let her take the Jedi under temporary protection. Eeth had never been brought to Alderaan, but Ahsoka had gone out of her way to visit the man and his wife and make sure they were well hidden from the inquisitors. He'd been eternally grateful, showering her with praises for her task force's intervention despite knowing Ahsoka had every reason not to intervene. Ahsoka supposed he would know. He'd left the Order shortly before the war ended.
Leia went on. "They argued at first. Obi-wan and the zabarath said that you should be there for the discussion. But someone else pointed out that it was Jedi business and that you no longer claimed to be a Jedi. The zabarath said neither was he, but they were all targets of the Sith and the inquisitors by virtue of being associated with a Jedi. Obi-wan agreed with him, but everyone else said no. Not yet. I got the feeling that they don't know whether or not they can really trust you."
Ahsoka couldn't say she was surprised. The Order always had a strange relationship with their own power. A polite way to say it was that they were merely aware of what they were capable of. More truthfully, they feared it. Ahsoka, in many ways, was the epitome of everything the Jedi had been taught to fear. Not to mention it was a powerful Force user in a position of government power that betrayed them in the first place. Of course they'd left her out.
"What happened after that?" Ahsoka asked.
"They talked about Palpatine, but their real concern was Dad. They said Palpatine was cunning and powerful, but that most of his power came from knowing how to manipulate people and sway them to his side," Leia replied.
They were underestimating Palpatine the same way they underestimated him before the war. But Ahsoka knew how to deal with that, and it wasn't what was troubling Luke and Leia.
"They said they were more concerned about what to do about Dad. They said he has a lot of military power, and that if they don't get him out the way, there's no hope for peace in the galaxy. No future for the Jedi because for every order Palpatine gave, Dad was there to enforce it. That defeating Palpatine without defeating Dad might create worse problems," Luke said, pushing food around on his plate.
Ahsoka said nothing immediately, not sure exactly what to say. Not sure how to respond to her twin children, confronted with their father's sins. Their father, who adored them. Their father, who continued to serve Palpatine for their sake.
"And it's not that we don't know Daddy does bad things and that people hate him. We learned about it on Alderaan. And Aunt Breha tried to block mentions of him on the holonet from us, but we saw stuff anyway," Leia said quietly, voice shaky. Then she looked up from her lap, her eyes shining with tears that she was too stubborn to let fall. Face red with frustration. "I don't understand it, Mama. I know what everyone says, and I've read about things, heard about things that people claim Daddy did. But he's not like that with us. He doesn't say it, but I can tell he loves us. And he loves you. He'd never let anyone hurt us the way people say he's hurt them. He wouldn't do things like that without a good reason. He… he couldn't."
"Right, Mama?" Luke asked, uncertain.
Ahsoka had been waiting for years for this conversation to come up. Had expected it to be soon with what she knew the common rebel said about Vader without thinking about it. And why would they think about it? They were the Rebellion, and as far as they knew, Vader was their enemy. Vader had personally wrecked many of their lives. So many.
Still, Ahsoka was unprepared for this.
"It's very… complicated," Ahsoka said. "Come sit with me on the couch."
Ahsoka sat in the middle of the couch, and the twins curled up next to her. Leia on the left and Luke on the right, as usual.
"No one's perfect. Your father probably least of them all. He's done a lot of terrible things. Sometimes for the right reasons. Sometimes, a lot of times, for the wrong ones. I can't say I blame anyone for hating him or feeling like they need to find a way to get him out the way," Ahsoka said gently.
"You mean for wanting to kill him," Luke said bluntly.
Why did they insist on making things harder for her?
Ahsoka continued without answering him. "But your father's been through a lot in his life. And I'm not saying that's any kind of justification for the things he's done, but none of that is the real him. He was very scared and very angry at a lot of people and did things he might not have done otherwise. He took it out on people who didn't deserve it."
"That makes no sense," Leia scoffed.
"Doesn't it? Remember your science tutoring, Leia. How even though you studied so hard and longer than Luke, you still barely passed it while Luke aced it? You were angry. What were you angry at?"
"Myself. For not doing as good as I wanted," Leia replied with a sigh.
"But you took it out on Luke, even though he hadn't done anything to you. He didn't even want to tell you his grade. Remember?"
"I guess…"
"It's like that with your dad. He's hurt a lot of people because he was angry about things that weren't their fault. He's hurt many people in his anger even when it was their fault but that he shouldn't have. But he's trying to make amends for it. First, by helping get rid of Palpatine, even if that means he has to pretend he's loyal."
"But that doesn't change what he's done," Leia insisted. "I don't understand how."
"Leia," Ahsoka sighed, "you're going to learn one day, even if you don't understand it now, that someone can be nice to you, maybe even love you, and still do terrible things to other people. It's like what they say about the Akul on Shili."
"It's our enemy, but even it loves its pride. It will protect its cubs," Luke said.
"It still doesn't make sense," Leia whispered.
Ahsoka knew there was nothing she could say to Leia to help her reconcile this. She'd have to figure it out for herself. She'd have to grapple with it like Ahsoka had been forced to at one time.
"Is that why we have to keep it secret? That he's our dad," Luke clarified.
"Part of it. For now, anyway."
Ahsoka would like to think otherwise, but there were people in the Rebellion that would happily see harm come to Luke and Leia for a bloodline they had no choice in being from. The Rebellion wasn't just made up of noble, honorable heroes who wanted to do the right thing. All they would see when looking at Luke and Leia were their enemy's children. However, there were enough in the Rebellion who would push back against those types and wouldn't hold Luke's and Leia's parentage against them. Besides, most people would be more disgusted with the woman, their leader, who willing laid down with Vader while knowing his transgressions and got pregnant with his child.
"Would you be like the Akul tamer then?" Luke suddenly asked. "The togruta warrior who knows how to tame the Akul and turn it into their friend?"
Ahsoka laughed. "Are you saying that I've tamed your dad?"
"No! Not like that," Luke said, sitting up. "I mean, you made him help you fight back against Palpatine. You made him your ally instead of your enemy."
"Luke," Leia said wryly. "You're saying she tamed Dad."
Luke looked at Leia, and then the two burst into laughter. Ahsoka smiled. Vader was going to die when she told him about this. Whenever she got a chance to talk to him again.
Luke suddenly stopped, propping himself up as he said, "What's that?"
"What's what, Lulu?" Leia asked.
Luke scowled at his sister and then said, "That. It's like… someone barely tapped the surface of a puddle with their finger. Except the Force is the puddle."
"Luke, what are you—Oh. I feel it now, " Leia said.
"What is it?" Ahsoka asked.
Leia shrugged. "I don't know. I don't even know if I can even call it a touch or a feeling. It's hardly even there."
"Strange," Ahsoka noted.
"The Force is strange," the twins said simultaneously.
Ahsoka laughed.
"Feel better now?"
The looked at each other again and said with a shrug, "We guess."
That was their way of saying that Ahsoka had helped them as much as she could, and they'd probably talk about it amongst each other later. Ahsoka could live with that.
"How about I clean up, you all get into some pajamas, and we have a holo-video night?" Ahsoka asked.
"The newest season of Black Krayt?" Luke asked, hopefully.
"Fine," Ahsoka said, feigning dismay.
The twins didn't notice as they ran out Ahsoka's quarters to their rooms just across the hall. As she was clearing the dishes, she suddenly felt in the Force what Luke had been so insistent on making them believe he was feeling. A barely-there touch to the Force. Hardly even there or able to be called a touch or a feeling. Tentative. Exploratory even. Or maybe even barely conscious or formed.
Barely conscious or formed. Like…
Ahsoka nearly dropped the dishes in her hands at the realization.
"Is that you?" Ahsoka asked aloud.
She pressed a hand to her lower abdomen, something she never did to not form the habit and give away her pregnancy. Especially to those who would definitely pay attention. Like Diya and Obi-wan.
Expectedly, she felt no physical movement. The books she'd read on the subject said that she should start feeling it around this time. But it was different for everyone, and she might not realize what the initial movements were. There was nothing that covered a child touching the Force for the first time in-utero.
Ahsoka waited and then felt the touch again. This time though, she was able to find it in the Force and gently touched back. A second later, the touch came back.
Was that even normal for a Force-sensitive child in-utero? Ahsoka was just going to have to assume that it might be. She had no way to know for sure. She hadn't known Padmé was pregnant long enough for anything like that to come up. Padmé might not have been aware of it since she wasn't Force-sensitive. The only other person to ask was Vader, and she couldn't do that right now.
The touch came back. This time a tad stronger and with something like wonder but not quite. Ahsoka touched back again. After a few minutes, the touch wasn't returned, nor was there a response when Ahsoka touched the Force there again unbidden. She guessed it had enough for now.
As Ahsoka continued to put away dishes, it occurred to her that if Luke and Leia could feel her baby's tentative exploration of the Force already, so might the other Jedi. The other Jedi, who already weren't sure if they could trust her. The other Jedi, who discussed what they were going to do with Darth Vader and left her out the conversation.
She liked to think Obi-wan would have told her. But based on the timing, Ahsoka assumed he'd been cornered right before leaving for his own mission. Some lead on Contingency. With security being no guarantee, no matter how many precautions they took, she couldn't fault him if he was waiting to tell her face to face.
She hoped, anyway.
"I need to work on my meditation and shielding," Ahsoka said to herself as she went back to her task.
AN: 1) Both Ahsoka and Vader have lamented in this story about the twins eventually asking these questions. And it would be inevitable for them not to be confronted with this reality about their father when they live on a base dedicated to fighting against the Empire their father serves (how willingly anymore being up for debate). Further, Ahsoka has always lamented about whether she's doing the right thing when it comes to Vader. Even more, she laments about one day possibly being force to pick between Vader and everyone else. There's no easy answer to these things. A lot of people would have a lot of different opinions. But to be certain, the people who want to get rid of him are totally justified for feeling that way.
2) Just like a baby starts learning to control their bodies and even play in the womb, I figured a Force-sensitive child might also reflexively touch and play in the Force that way. Of course, Ahsoka isn't sure that's normal being she has no frame of reference for it.
Hopre you enjoyed! Review, please!
