Chapter 71.
Cas went and sat in the Impala to make his call. It was late and nobody was hanging around in the garage. In fact, nobody liked to spend much time around the Impala for now.
Rowena didn't answer at once. She liked to keep people waiting and had no intention of making an angel think she was at his beck and call, but he knew that was why she waited and he found it amusing.
"Ah, you can't keep away, can you?" she said at last.
"I suppose that there's no point in asking if you have anything on Dean." he said.
"For an archangel, your Michael is very inconspicuous."
"Not my Michael."
"I would have thought there would be some boiling seas by now, or at least a few people getting smited. Or is it smitten?"
"I think smitten is more what happens when they meet you." he said.
"Now, Castiel, you must stop all this flirting and flattery." she said.
"Very well." he said, "To business, then."
"When I said stop, I didn't mean just stop dead." she said.
"I don't have a lot of time."
"Why not? What's going on?" she said, far, far too interested.
"I have to check on some warding. It's not important. I just needed to tell you that any experiments with grace will have to wait."
"Are you losing faith in my trustworthiness?" she asked, sounding mildly offended.
"No, I never really had any."
"You may have taken the no flattery thing too far the other way."
"All you need to know is that I made a promise not to do anything suicidal or stupid."
"I suppose letting an evil witch play with your mojo does fall rather neatly into both categories. I take it the promise was to Sam?"
"Yes."
"And you won't break the promise?"
"No. I won't. It's important." he said.
"So were the experiments you proposed." she said.
"They still are, but I'd have to convince Sam that they are necessary or myself that they do not constitute a risk to my existence."
"I could possibly convince you of that, given enough time, enough wine and surroundings conducive to my craft."
"Witchcraft?"
"Older and deeper magic." she said in a tone that, were he human or subject to human desires, might melt his resistance in a moment.
"For now, the promise stands and I must comply with it. At some future time, the situation may change. I hope so, because I still think much that is of use to both of us could come out of the work."
"I'm certain of it. Perhaps I could convince Sam. He and I have a certain understanding. I'm sure I could persuade him to give his blessing, especially if we were sufficiently vague about the exact nature of the experiments."
"No. I'm not going to trick Sam into agreeing." he said. He felt guilty enough about what he had already done.
"Of course not! You're an angel. Leave the trickery to the wicked witch and keep your conscience clear."
"That's not how a conscience works." he said.
"I wouldn't know. I was never encumbered with one. I'm assuming, then, that you want me to keep quiet for now."
"Yes, please."
"And in return for my silence?"
"Are you blackmailing me?"
She laughed. "No, dear, I'm playing with you and you wouldn't keep playing if you didn't like it. Tell me the name of your mystery lover. Just a first name. That's not too high a price."
"No. I'm not playing. The name is irrelevant."
"Then give it."
"And then you'll ask something else." he said.
"You have a suspicious nature." she said, "I like that in a celestial being. Mostly, they're bloodless automata. You have some life in you. You know, you and I would be a hell of a fling."
"And if I ever want to be flung into Hell, you'll be the first one I call."
There was a silence and then she said, in quite a different tone, "You and Sam stay safe. Be careful."
"You too." he said, "Do nothing to attract Michael's attention your way."
"Don't worry about me. My instinct for self-preservation is second to none. I have to survive or I'll never find out about your mysterious love life."
"Why does it interest you? It barely interests me."
"It ended badly?" she said.
"Your curiosity could get you into trouble." he said.
"And frequently has." she said.
"We'll talk again soon." he said.
"And flirt?"
"Absolutely not."
"Fidelity to your lost love?"
"No. Nothing like that." he said, "I've never lost a love."
"Oh. Interesting." she said.
"I should go." he said.
"I'll say nothing to Sam for now, but I don't make long, binding promises."
"If we ever want to do the experiment, silence now is best for all concerned." he said.
"Agreed." she said.
He stayed in the Impala a moment longer, looking at the seat beside him, the seat where Dean should be sitting. He felt the dread and despair returning and alongside them, the cool, calm, angelic voice that said, "You already know he's probably lost forever. You need to accept it. Live for what's left of the family. Live to honour his memory." Thoughts of his angel blade came to mind, a reminder that he had the means to end his pain.
At the same moment, he thought of Jules, washing her long limbs in a hot shower, running her strong hands through her jasmine-scented hair. His wise, angelic self had nothing hopeful to offer, but his animal vessel and the human emotions that it inspired and that Dean had taught him to feel, were telling him to seek comfort in her arms and hope in their future.
He found her outside his room, talking to Sam, her skin glowing from her shower, her eyes bright and all around her, that scent of jasmine. He wanted to tell her how much he needed her embrace, but Sam's presence made that feel awkward.
She took one look at his face and said, "I'm tired, Cas. Let's go to bed. We can talk, if you want, then you can zap me to sleep with those magic fingers."
"I have magic fingers." he said to Sam, aware that he was smiling oddly.
Sam looked from one to the other and said, "Don't ever mention that to Dean. Things would get weird."
They said goodnight to Sam and then slipped into the comfortable refuge that was his room. Before her shower, she had turned on the light to the left of the bed.
"How bad?" she said.
"I shouldn't have gone near the Impala." he said.
She gently took off his coat and led him to the bed. As he lay down, she dropped her robe onto the chair and wriggled into place beside him in tank top and leggings. They were close in height and accustomed now to their nocturnal cuddles and their bodies seemed to fit together perfectly. Her proximity fired off all the usual swirl of feelings, erotic and otherwise, but the one he felt most was the deep peace of her acceptance and love.
"When I think about ... I lose hope." he said, "I lose hope so fast ... "
"How can I help?" she said.
"You're helping now." he said, "I knew I needed to be with you."
She smiled and snuggled closer, before turning off the light. "I love you." she whispered.
His eyes were untroubled by the darkness. Her face was clearly visible to him, though he knew her human eyes could not see his. "You're beautiful." he said.
"Cas, even my best friends wouldn't go further than pretty."
"I have better eyes." he said. Knowing she could not see his expression gave him courage. "I have a confession to make." he said, "And it may be bad."
She kissed him lightly on the lips. "Tell me." she said.
"I think about you naked ... a lot." he said, "I mean, sometimes my head is just full of images of our naked bodies in various ... I may be a pervert."
She laughed. "No, you're not."
"You're sure? And you're not repelled?"
"Just glad I'm not the only one." she said.
"You mean you think those thoughts too?" he said.
"All the time."
"Oh." he said, "By the way, I need to look at your tattoo."
"Need to, huh?" she said.
"Yes. It's not the pervert thing. It's just that I told Rowena I had to look at some warding and that's some warding."
"Cas, you're not the most conventional boyfriend, but you are never boring."
"So I can see it?"
She turned on the light and exposed her hip. "Knock yourself out."
