Chapter 72.
Alone in one of the archives, Sam was doing some late homework. He had dismissed the idea of Jules letting Cas tap her soul, but he felt she might be on the right track. A nephilim did combine grace with a soul and that did seem to give nephilim immense power. Very possibly, a human soul in the hands of an angel might not be equal to the power of a nephilim, but it would surely increase the power of the angel and any boost was better than none.
Then too, there might be some way to use such power to kickstart a nephilim who had temporarily lost their grace. So far, none of the books he was reading gave that a flat no.
The lights flickered. They had been doing that for a while and he had checked twice that the bunker was not breached. Sometimes a flicker might just be old wiring, but it was strange that the usually reliable lights of the bunker were acting up now. The flickering was not helping the headache that was reminding him of the need for sleep. He closed the book he was reading, leaving an old envelope as a bookmark.
He took out his phone and called Sarah.
"Hello, Sam!" she said.
"Sorry to call so late." he said.
"Don't worry about that. I couldn't sleep. I made some soup. I was thinking of calling you, only I didn't want to wake you."
"Never worry about that." he said, "Hunters don't really sleep, we just nap between disasters."
"Do you have a disaster now?" she said.
"No, just some electrical disturbances. Probably nothing."
"Where is Castiel?" said Sarah.
"He's safe. Curled up in bed with Jules. She has this amazing ability to soothe him. I was a little worried earlier, but the moment they were together, he just seemed to relax."
"Sometimes," she said, "When Castiel's emotions are engaged, he causes lights to flicker and machinery to malfunction. I once heard laughter from their room and the lights in the hallway were flashing on and off."
"Oh." said Sam.
"Don't mention it to either of them. It's a private matter and they'd be mortified if they thought I knew." She chuckled softly. "He tells me how passionless he is, but when they're alone together, the sparks are real. He is so in love with her."
"Yeah, he is." said Sam, "So, hopefully, the issue with the lights means they're having a good time."
"That's what it usually means, I think, but of course, he's also disruptive to the local electrics when distressed."
"I hope it's the first thing."
"Being around her is good for him." said Sarah.
"She's good for everyone." he said, "She's been very supportive since Dean ... "
"For me too." said Sarah quickly, sparing him the need to finish the sentence. "Now, how are you?"
The lie came automatically to his lips, but it died there. Sarah had a right to the truth. "Missing Dean." he said, "Looking for any way to save him, even to find him. Everyone is making crazy plans. I made them all promise, Jules included, not to act on those plans without consultation."
"Good." she said.
"And it would help a lot if I could get the same promise from you." he said.
"As I said, my life is almost over anyway and I have no big thing about going to Heaven. If my life, death or soul can save Dean, here I am, ready to go."
"Sarah ... " he began.
"But I swear I will not do it unless you agree."
"You know that I will never agree."
"Then I'll never do it. But if you need me to ... "
"I won't. Sarah, when Dean gets back, I'll need you. We don't know what state he'll be in and me ... I can't help him with the small stuff, like Hell."
"Hell's small stuff now?"
"Compared to this. Wouldn't you agree?" he said.
"Yes, sadly, I would. This is an invasion of his mind and body, a violation of his soul."
"Only you or Cas will have a hope of reaching him. And Cas is so tangled up in his own guilt about it, I think he'll be in almost as bad a state as Dean."
"And you'll be fine, of course." she said.
"To be honest, I'm trying not to think what condition I'll be in. The truth is, I'm at my limit now. I feel like I'm one step in any direction from screaming insanity. The only thing holding me together is the fact these guys need me. With Dean back, they may not. Assuming Dean is Dean enough to lead them."
"They'll need you. He'll need you more. Where he is now, he's cut off and alone. When he comes back, he'll need you more than anyone else. You've always been there. You understand him in a way neither Castiel nor I can, not even your mother, though she tries. He'll need to lean on you a lot."
"I know." said Sam, "And I'm here for him. Whatever he needs, I can do it. After all he's done for me ... and he did this for me."
"It will be hard, Sam. Just seeing him that damaged will be torture for you."
"I'm fine with torture. Used to it." he said, knowing that nothing in his life had prepared him adequately for the broken creature Dean was likely to be.
"You're the strongest man I know and I have never met anyone who loved his brother more."
"But?" he said.
"But you can't do this alone."
"No. I need you. That's what I'm saying." he said.
"And I'm here and I will be here as long as I'm still breathing, but you'll need to lean on me and on Castiel like Dean needs to lean on you."
"You want honesty, not avoidance." he said.
"I always said you were intelligent."
"I know I'm not good at that."
"But you said you'll do what Dean needs and he needs you to do that."
His grip on the phone was beginning to hurt his hand. He hadn't noticed how tense he had become. Sarah was right and he knew it, but he was afraid.
"Sam?" she said, "Can you do it?" Over his head, the lights flickered on and off a few times.
"For Dean? Yeah, for Dean, anything."
"And now, I think you should go to bed."
"I wouldn't sleep and the way the lights are fritzing, Cas is not available to zap me. I'll just do some more reading and let exhaustion put me to sleep later."
"If you get no sleep tonight, get him to put you to sleep in the morning." said Sarah.
"I will. Don't worry. I'm okay. Staying tired stops me thinking too much."
"I don't think so." she said.
"Well, it's a theory I'm sticking with for now. You should try to sleep too."
"I will soon, but it's hard to sleep when all my boys and sweet Jules are so troubled."
"I'm taking care of the ones here. When we find Dean, I'll take care of him too."
"Don't forget to take care of Sam." she said, "He may be the one most in need of some kindness."
"He gets plenty of kindness from a crazy bee lady." he said.
She laughed. "Sleep well, Sam Winchester. You are one in a million."
"So are you. Sweet dreams." he said. He ended the call, put the phone into his pocket and leant back in the chair, rubbing his weary eyes.
