Chapter Seventy-Two

When Shiloh seated herself at the dinner table after helping Lo with the drinks and dishes, she sat back in her chair facing forward, her eyes looking at nothing in particular.

Adam reached for her hand on her lap and squeezed it. "Sweetheart?"

"Hm?" she said, shaking away her fog and looking at him. Though her lips somewhat smiled, her eyes didn't.

Abel watched from across the table, and seeing the sadness in his mother's eyes, he climbed out of his seat, went to his mother's side and held her hand. "You feel bad?" he asked.

Shiloh's smile was the bright, beautiful smile she always saved for her children, but Abel noticed her eyes were still sad. "I'm fine, Abel. It's just…" Her eyes moved as she searched for the right words. "You know that you, and Beau, and your father are going to San Francisco?" When Abel nodded, she continued, "Well, Miss Amalee, Aaron, Anna and I won't be going with you. We'll all be riding on a train to a city far away." She reached around him and lifted him onto her lap, squeezing him against her. "I'll miss you," she whispered in his ear, but at the same time, her eyes rose to Adam's. Slowly releasing Abel, she set his feet on the floor. "Now," she said, touching his nose, "I want you to eat well." Looking over at Aaron and Anna, she said, "You, too. I'm not very hungry, so I'm going up to my bedroom to lay down for a while. Would you all be good for Miss Amalee and your daddy?" With three heads nodding, she said, "Excuse me," and left the table, heading for the stairs.

Adam watched her go, hoping she would look back. She didn't. Turning back to the table, he realized everyone had watched her go. Adam took a piece of sliced roast pork off the platter in front of him, cut it into small pieces and then asked Abel what else he wanted.

Abel pointed.

"Sweet potato?" his father asked.

Nodding, Abel said, "and budder…and beans." He smiled when his father placed his plate in front of him.

Next, Adam took the other half of the sweet potato he had cut for Abel and mashed it up for Anna. He smiled at her as he reached for the butter which made Anna raise her shoulders, look up at the ceiling and smile.

She nodded when Adam placed the bowl of mashed sweet potatoes and butter in front of her.

Amalee prepared a plate for Aaron before she prepared her own. She passed each dish to Beau, and by the time Adam had prepared his plate, everyone was quietly eating dinner.

"Amalee, do you have any concerns going to Boston on the train?" Adam asked, hoping to allay any fears she might have.

"No, Mr. Cartwright. Mrs. Cartwright told me there would be an abundance of Pinkertons guarding Mr. Crocker's car. She also told me she packed guns and ammunition as well."

Adam had just started to take a bite, but instead moved his eyes toward Amalee. "Does that worry you?"

Smiling, Amalee said, "Not at all, Mr. Cartwright. Miss Annie and Miss Etta both told me Miss Shiloh is an excellent shot with a rifle."

Pushing his bottom lip up, Adam nodded and took his bite.

The rest of dinner was quiet. Once dinner was finished, Amalee took charge of the children while Adam went into his office and began rolling finished building plans he would be taking to San Francisco with him.

"Excuse me," said Beau as he leaned into the office.

Adam smiled. "Come on in."

"I just wanted to return the book I borrowed, and maybe choose another."

"By all means," invited Adam as he flourished his hand toward the bookshelves. "What did you think of Zimmerman?"

Beau stopped his progress toward the bookshelf, bowed his head and clasped his hands around the book. "I've spent a great deal of time observing other people…feeling sorry for their…" he shrugged. "…ordinary life while forgetting my own…extra ordinary life. The book made me realize my own missed opportunities to apply what I was seeing to myself…and understanding that being lonely isn't a curse. It's an opportunity to learn about oneself." Beau looked up and smiled at his father. "I knew Shiloh gave you this book," he said, slightly lifting the book, "because the note she wrote to you is still there. I suppose there was time when she was alone as well and ended up paying attention because she recognized you must have felt lonely as a child when she bought the book for you."

Adam took the book and placed it back in its place on the bookshelf. "Shiloh hasn't found that place in her own mind where's she's comfortable with her own solitude. She remembers the loneliness of her childhood, when her mind never really quieted, always racing from one thing to the next because she was afraid to deal with her mother's…and then her brother's…deaths. Her mind does that now because she's afraid of what's on the other side of…" He raised a brow. "stopping. I don't think she'll ever be satisfied with her life until she's comfortable spending time alone…with herself."

"Has she read the book?" Beau asked.

Adam shook his head. "I'm sure she hasn't."

"Maybe you should slip it into her valise before she gets on the train."

Adam creased his brow and halfway smiled. "She'd probably appreciate that gesture from you much more than from me." He took the book off the shelf and passed it back to Beau. "Just make sure she doesn't see you put it in her valise."

Beau did as his father suggested. While all the other adults were moving about the house bringing trunks and valises down the stairs, he took the opportunity to slip the book, now containing two notes, the original note and an additional note to Shiloh from Beau, into the valise Shiloh identified as containing the most expensive of her jewelry and the cash she would be taking buried underneath score paper, ink wells and pens.

Amalee had, indeed, sewn several pockets into Shiloh's petticoats, so if the situation arose, Shiloh could move her cash and favorite jewels into the pockets and hide the rest behind the hidden panel in Crocker's private car.

Adam would be wiring more money to the Bank of New York, even though he knew between Edwin and Junius, Shiloh would be well cared for. And because Mr. Crocker would make sure the kitchen in his car was kept stocked, Shiloh didn't need to carry a great deal of cash.

At the same time, Adam and Beau were packing for their trip to San Francisco.

Shiloh, with a little help from Abel, packed for her oldest son, making sure his most favorite toys were placed in his trunk along with his books and his clothes. She had just gathered some of the carved animals when Abel stopped her.

"Mama, you take this one for Aawon," Abel said, giving her the very first horse his father had carved for him.

"Abel, are you sure? This is your favorite."

"It Aawon fav..o..rit, too. I gonna miss him."

Shiloh knelt down on the floor and held her arms out to him. "Come here, my little love."

As soon as he was close enough, she pulled him against her and enveloped him. "He's going to miss you, too, Abel. So am I."

Hearing the waver in his mother's voice, Abel wrapped his arms tightly around her neck. "Not cry, Mama. Da say we be on the train to see you soon."

She sniffled as she kissed his forehead and brushed a curl back away from his face. "I know."

Scrambling back away from his mother, Abel picked out more carved animals, giving his mother an armload. "For Aawon to play wif."

"You two almost done?"

Recognizing the voice, Shiloh turned to wipe her eyes. "Yes, I think we are, though I have a few more toys to pack for Aaron."

Adam bent down in front of her, first taking a handful of animals in one hand, and helping her to her feet with the other. "It's getting late, and you have an early start tomorrow."

Setting the animals on top of a dresser, both Adam and Shiloh got Abel ready for bed, and when he was tucked in, Shiloh leaned down for another hug and kiss. "Sweet dreams, my little love." After receiving a kiss from Abel, she stepped away, so Adam could say goodnight, and with the lamp on the night table out, each parent took a handful of animals and left the room, pulling the door to, but leaving it open just a crack.

"I need to go downstairs and put these in the children's trunk," said Shiloh. "I'll be back up in just a minute."

Adam nodded and watched her walk down the stairs, heading for the front of the house where all the luggage was piled ready to be loaded on the wagon in the morning. When he realized she wasn't coming back up the stairs, he waited.

He watched her open the music room doors and stand there for a moment. He thought she was making sure she hadn't left anything, but when she didn't go in, he realized she was taking one more look around the room at all her music neatly filed in the cabinet he'd made for her, at the desk he'd made that fit over the end of her piano bench, and at the piano itself, the same piano he'd bought her for Christmas not long before their wedding.

She jumped when he touched her shoulder.

"It will all be right where you left it when we get back," he said softly.

She bowed her head and lightly smiled, thinking that was probably the one thing she could really be sure of.

"Come on," Adam said, moving his arm over her shoulder. He reached back and closed the music room door, and they climbed the stairs together.

Once in the bedroom, Shiloh looked in on Aaron and Anna, and satisfied they were sound asleep, she closed the nursery door and turned around.

Adam had already unrolled his sleeves and was in the process of unbuttoning his shirt.

Taking a deep breath, she reached behind her and began to slip the buttons out of the loops in the back of her dress as she walked across the room to the wardrobe. Letting the dress fall to her waist, she stepped out of it and hung it the wardrobe, then went to her dressing table and sat down.

What they were doing now, the same thing they did most every night, had become a ritual of sorts. Each knew what the other was going to do next…until one of them broke with nightly tradition.

Adam pulled Shiloh's chair away from her dressing table, lifted her into his arms and carried her to the bed where he pulled her camisole over her head and pushed her drawers down until they dropped to the floor on their own. Next, he let his own drawers fall, then blew out the lamp.

The night had been crisp and clear, and the moon shown through the French doors, so both of them could see in the dim light.

Adam moved his arms around Shiloh, bringing her on her toes into a kiss as he leaned over the bed. With one arm holding her against him, he moved both of them to his pillow, where he kissed her again, then moved to his side.

Shiloh turned to her side to face him, and the two gazed at each other, neither knowing how to start the conversation both knew they had to have.

"Adam, the last time we were apart, neither of us was happy. When I came to San Francisco, you said being apart was not something you wanted or had planned…or were happy with."

"I meant it."

"You're waiting for me to give it all up, aren't you?" she said.

Adam's brows curled wondering if they were going to argue, but there was no anger or hurt in her voice. "No, I'm not. I don't want you to give anything up. You've worked too hard…you've done too well not to continue to sing…and act, if that's what makes you happy."

"But there's the expectation…"

He moved his finger to her lips. "Regardless of other people's expectations, you've found a balance with our children. And there's a balance with us…until there's not. Even so, I don't expect you to quit anymore than you expect me to."

"But neither of us are happy," she said.

"It's not our careers that make us unhappy. It's the time we're apart. I don't see that changing for a good while." Watching her eyes sadden, he continued, "We're happy most of the time, Sweetheart. I don't know anyone whose life has been perfect, even the people we all talk about as perfect. They really aren't."

Shiloh bit her lip. "But it's not because they both have careers that keep them apart."

"Shiloh, I don't know what else I can say to convince you that I don't want you to give up what you have. You have to decide what you want."

She moved on top of him and pushed her face into this neck, breathing in his scent. "I want you," she whispered.

Holding her tightly against him, he said, "You have me." He kissed her again, but this time he rolled over until her head was on his pillow, and he was over her, kissing her, whispering to her…loving her.