Chapter 73.
Jules lay beside Cas, glad that the light was on and she did't have to guess at his expression, because she knew his delicate mental state could go either way. He seemed okay. He was looking at her with a slight smile on his lips and he reached out to stroke her cheek.
"Your eyes seem brighter." he said.
She smiled. "You gave them a reason to shine." she said, "How do you feel?"
"I have no idea." he said, but he didn't sound anxious about it, just curious.
"But you're happy?" she said. When he didn't respond, she realised it was too difficult a question. He was trying to assess whether every thought in his head was a happy one and if he thought for too long, his grief for the loss of Dean would take over. "Are you happy about this?" she said.
"I am a little worried about my imagination." he said.
"Trust me, your imagination is great." she said. She had not expected their intimate interlude and when it had begun, had not expected him to be so creative. It wasn't sex, but she couldn't fault him on the foreplay.
"It failed to capture how you would look naked." he said.
"I look like everyone else. disappointingly human." she said.
"Why? What species do people want you to resemble?" he said. He had no concept of photoshopped bodies, insane diets and fake perfection. She loved him for that.
"You could get naked too." she said, "Then I could reciprocate."
He looked tempted, for a moment, then he said, "No. Not now. I am barely in control of my passions now. I need the clothes to shield me from the effect you have on me."
"And you're more comfortable giving pleasure than receiving it?"
"Until Dean is found ... "
"I know, nothing more than kissing."
"Not because I don't want more."
"I know. Trust me, I also feel weird about being happy or feeling good when he's out there alone. I know it's worse for you. But thanks to your broad and flexible interpretation of kissing ... "
"No. Not yet." he said, "What just happened was the limit. I need to be in control of my feelings, especially now, when my default state is close to crazy."
"I just think you should get some pleasure."
He lay back and grinned at the ceiling. "I put that light in your eyes. I made you happy. I finally found a way to express my love in physical form. All of those things brought me pleasure. But we must limit the pleasure for me, unless you want to see an angel combust."
"Your eyes got a little glowy too." she said.
"Did they? See? You have a powerful effect on me as it is."
"We also made the lights flicker again."
"It's lucky nobody saw that. Could raise some questions." he said, "I don't want to tell anyone about this, but keeping secrets is hard for me. When we see the others, I'll try for inscrutable, but I should warn you, I generally miss by miles."
"When a person's worst fault is that lying doesn't come naturally to them, that's a good thing." she said.
"I have worse faults than that." he said.
She moved over to kiss him, one hand on his chest. "Don't you start listing them now. You know I won't tolerate anyone badmouthing my angel."
"Abuse of power." he objected.
"What power? I'm the human in this relationship."
"You're naked." he said, "That's power."
"I had no idea showing you the tattoo would lead to this." she said, "That is one powerful tattoo. Now, I don't want to put ideas in your head, but I need to ask, do you feel bad about this? Does it feel debasing or defiling or wrong?"
He thought about it, then said, "No, actually it doesn't. It feels pure and sacred and right. Love doesn't defile. It exalts."
"Good." she said, "So it could happen again."
"I hope it will." he said, "But now, you should sleep. You said you were tired. You wanted my magic fingers."
"That was before I discovered your magic tongue." she said.
He looked embarrassed. "Don't talk like that. How can I manage inscrutable when you say things like that?"
She kissed him again, her lips lingering on his. She knew he had no idea how adorable he was to her, or how his sweet confusion and disorientation enchanted her. All her loathing for angels deserted her when she looked at him, the one angel who was as they all should have been.
"When I said I was tired, that was for Sam's benefit. I didn't want to talk in front of him about how much you needed a little care. I just wanted to get you in here so I could take the edge off your loneliness and pain."
"I didn't think either was so obvious."
"Like you said, keeping secrets is not your thing. You do a good job of hiding things from the others, for a while, but you're all that matters to me, so I tend to focus on the stuff they miss, like that thousand year stare of yours and the way you need and fear a loving touch."
"Needing it is new to me. Angels don't ... "
"I sometimes think all angels have ever needed is a daily hug. You're all so starved of affection. I can't make up for millions of years of neglect, but that doesn't mean I won't try. You think you're cold and heartless, but you're not. And not being that way after so little kindness has been sent your way shows that you have a big heart."
He closed his eyes as if in pain.
"What is it?" she said.
"I live in fear of the moment when you realise how far beneath you and all your kind I truly am." he said, "Because the day it happens, it may kill me."
"What if I see you more clearly than you do?" she said.
"You don't." he said. He opened his eyes. "And you are tired."
"A little." she admitted, "But if you need to talk, I can stay awake all night. I know the nights can be lonely for you."
"No." he said, "Not when I can hold you. Waking or sleeping, you bring me peace."
"Then put me to sleep." she said, rolling back onto her side of the bed.
He sat up. As he reached out his hand, she caught it and kissed it. "I love you, Castiel."
He cupped her cheek for a moment. "Don't ever think that I don't want to do more and be more to you."
"I know how difficult every step is for you and if this is as far as we get, it's enough." she said, "It's more than I sometimes thought we'd have."
"It's not enough." he said, "You deserve everything."
"So do you and if you want it, we'll get there." she said.
"Goodnight, my love." he whispered and gently put her to sleep.
