A/N: Well, this is the end. We've reach the last chapter of this story and before you start reading I want to say thank you to all of you who've made it this far. If you've been her for the last 13 months (HOW DID THIS FIC TAKE OVER A YEAR?!) and stayed with it this far I can't thank you enough. If you just got here and managed to read all the 175k+ words that this story turned it to? Thank you too. I'm so so so greatful to each and every one who decided that my writing was good enough to spend your morning/day/afternoon/evening/night reading.
I have plans for a few "moments in time" with Clay and Emma based on this but I don't know when those will be published because my writing just doesn't feel natural at the moment.
But again; thank you for reading this fic and enjoy the last chapter!
The sound of a steady beeping pulled Clay back to consciousness. His eyes felt like they were glued shut and his head was fussy. And something was covering his face.
Where was he? What had happened? Why couldn't he move his lower half? What was that noise? Why couldn't he move?!
The beeping became erratic as his thoughts ran wild.
"Clay?"
The sound of Emma's voice relaxed him but it also confused him. Why was Emma in the Philippines?
"Bear? Can you squeeze my hand, babe?"
Feeling Emma's hand in his Clay somehow managed to squeeze it; making it known that he was regaining consciousness.
"That's great, Bear. Can you open your eyes too? Please? I really, really want to see those pretty blues."
The pleading note combined with her words made Clay fight that much harder to do as she had asked and after what felt like an eternity, but was probably just a minute or so, he finally managed to get his eyelids to cooperate.
After blinking a few times, as his eyes got used to the darkened room instead of the total blackness behind his eyelids, two things crossed his mind. 1; He was in the hospital and 2; Emma looked like she hadn't slept in days.
"There you are." Emma said with a sigh as she squeezed the hand she was still holding between both of hers and then she leaned over and gently pressed her lips to his forehead.
Clay opened his mouth to ask her all the questions running through his mind but the oxygen mask that was covering his face, combined with the feeling of having his throat stuffed with cotton, stopped him.
He moved his hands to the mask and Emma realized that his need to ask questions was overwhelming so she helped him remove the mask and then handed him a cup with what he assumed was water.
"Just take a few sips to moisten your mouth and throat, ok, Bear? We don't need you getting sick on top of this."
Clay had no idea what 'this' was but he did as she had asked and then handed the cup back to her.
"What happened? Where am I?" he asked in a gravelly voice when Emma turned back towards him.
"I don't really know what happened." she answered with a weak smile and once again took his hand in hers. "I was on the phone with you when there was an explosion, then dad called quite some time after and said that there had been a second one and that you had been badly injured. As in bad enough to get airlifted back home."
Clay glanced around the hospital room for a second before his eyes once again found Emma's.
"Home. So I'm back in the US?" he made it sound like a question and while she knew it wasn't she nodded her head.
"Yeah, we're in Maryland. Bethesda."
It was Clay's turn to nod his head.
"How long has it been since then?"
"A few days. You were airlifted here and then you were rushed into surgery the moment you arrived. This isn't the first time you've been awake but it's the first time you've done more than squeeze my hand so I'm not sure you even remember the other times."
Clay shook his head this time, confirming that he didn't remember having woken up in the hospital before now. Having gotten his answers to the where and why he squeezed his eyes tightly for a moment before getting ready to ask the one question that he was dreading.
"What is it, Clay?" Emma asked, worry spreading across her face. "Are you in pain?"
"No, Birdie, just… how bad did I get injured? Am I…"
"Oh," Emma said and her eyes grew wide as she realized what he meant. "Oh, no, Bear. You have all of your limbs. I'm not sure about what injuries you have or haven't got, but you haven't lost anything. I assume you can't really feel your legs?"
Clay shook his head for the second time and swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat for the short second between his question and Emma's answer.
"Yeah, that's because of the pain meds. I didn't really pay that much attention when they talked about these things but they have you on something that makes you not really feel your legs. The blast did a number on them."
Before Clay could ask any more questions the door to the room opened and a nurse stepped in.
"Well, nice to see you with us, Mr. Spenser." she said as she greeted the two of them with a nod and then she made her way over to one of the monitors. She checked something on it and then she faced them again.
"So, how are you feeling this evening Mr. Spenser?"
"Clay, please. And I'm not sure. I can't really feel half of my body." Clay said and smiled weakly at the woman next to his bed.
"Right, well that's because of the medication. Your doctor will be stopping by later to explain it all to you but for now, seeing as you're awake, I'm gonna do a few tests and then I'll leave you two too yourselves. Sounds good?"
Clay nodded because his energy was quickly fading.
The nurse did what she had to do, Clay couldn't tell you what it was if his life depended on it because his eyes kept finding their way back to the girl sitting in the chair to his left, and then she left, just like she said she would.
"Tired?" Emma asked as his eyes started to fall shut.
"Hmm…" he mumbled and let out a deep breath. How could he be this tired when he'd been mostly out for a few days?
Emma chuckled and leaned over to press her lips against his.
"Get some real sleep, Bear. Being tired means your body is working overtime at healing. I'll be here when you wake up." she said gently as she pulled back and then she settled back in her chair, phone in her hand as she got ready to update her dad.
Clay continued to mostly sleep for the next couple of days and because of that ,it took 3 days for him to finally able to actually have a conversation with his doctor and take in what he said.
"Ok, Clay here's the deal." Doctor Roberts said as he shifted his gaze from the journal to his patient.
"You've suffered traumatic damage to the femoral nerve in both of your legs and we've used surgical grafts to reconstruct it. The damage is worse in your right leg than in your left, but both suffered substantial injuries. You will require physical therapy and rehabilitation to get back on your feet. You somehow managed to avoid any bone fractures, but the nerve damage is in some ways a harder injury to deal with. Your neural pathways may never heal completely."
Clay stared blankly at the doctor in front of him as his grip on Emma's hand tightened.
"What does that mean?" he asked, before shaking his head. "No, actually, just sum it up for me; will I be able to get back to my team?"
The doctor sighted and lifted his glasses up to his head.
"I can't answer that with a yes or no as it stands today, Clay. You might be able to get back to operating, you may not. When dealing with nerve damage there's so many different scenarios that the best thing you can do is start a program of physical therapy and rehabilitation to regain strength in your legs. When you start healing and get movement back, that is when we can clearly see if operating again is in your future."
Clay leaned his head back against his pillow when the doctor couldn't give him a yes or no answer. He wanted to know if there was any reason at all for him to even try. Now it seemed as if he had no choice but to try because if he didn't he might be throwing all of his hard work away.
"When does he start?" Emma's question made Clay's head snap back up.
"PT?" the doctor asked and Emma nodded her head. "Today. One of our physical therapists, Lucas, will stop by later this afternoon and get started and he will then tell you what the schedule will look like going forward. You'll stay here until you've reached your inpatient rehabilitation benchmark and then you'll get to go home and continue with outpatient sessions closer to home."
The doctor continued to talk for a few more minutes, but Clay tuned him out, knowing that if he said anything else important Emma would have it memorized. When doctor Roberts left the room, Clay finally tuned back in to the world outside of his mind.
"Well, what do you think?"
Clay sighed.
"I don't know. I just feel like the world has been turned upside down and I'm not sure what's up or down or even left or right." He paused for a second before continuing. "What if I can't get back to Bravo?"
Emma quickly got to her feet and leaned over so that she could look her boyfriend straight in the eyes.
"Hey. Doc Roberts didn't say you couldn't. It's too soon to tell, yes, but that doesn't mean that you won't. I need you to not think about the worst case scenario. I need you to keep your head in the game and do what you do best – give the situation all that you have. Because when you do that? The chance is slim to none that you will fail. I believe that you will make it back to Bravo and I need you to believe that too."
For a moment Clay just stared into Emma's eyes and then his hands moved up to her face and pulled her into him so that their lips met. Clay cradled the back of her head in one of his palms and caressed her cheek lightly with the other hand, as his tongue flicked against her bottom lip and then gently entered her mouth when she opened up and let their breaths mingle. Emma's hands made their way around Clay's shoulders and her gentle caress of the skin at the base of his neck was sending shivers down his spine.
They continued to kiss, making them both feel alive again for the first time in days, and when they pulled back, breathlessly, they rested their foreheads together.
"I love you, Emma Hayes."
Emma opened her eyes to meet his and smiled gently at the man in front of her who was trying so hard to keep himself together.
"I love you too, Clay Spenser. And I will believe in you, even when you don't believe in yourself."
'...I had given her the now dog-eared copy of The Little Prince to take with her, a tangible reminder of the last five months, and she clutched it to her as we walked. Running up the bus steps, she went straight to the back and clambered up on the bench seat to wave to me from the back window.' Emma paused in her reading and looked up from her book, trying to figure out what had stopped her with just a few sentences left of her chapter.
Seeing nothing and hearing nothing, since Clay was at his daily PT session, she turned back to her book. Just as she started reading again the door to the hospital room flew up in a brutal way and hit the wall behind it, making Emma jump in her seat by the window.
"Hey now." the nurse who was maneuvering the wheelchair, which Clay was occupying said with a stern voice. "Nothing good will come from you trying to kick down this door. You could add a fracture to those already injured legs though."
'Ok…' Emma though. 'Physical therapy didn't go all that well then.'
Feeling a bit unsure of what to do, Emma stayed sitting where she was and let the nurse help Clay get settled back in his bed. As the nurse straightened up she looked over at Emma and gave her a supportive smile before rolling the chair back to its resting corner and then she left the room without another word to either of them.
Closing the book she'd been reading, Emma put it down and got to her feet. Clay didn't even acknowledge that she was in the room, he just continued to stare up at the white ceiling, which made her feel like she was invading his space but she wasn't about to let him push her away.
Straightening up to her full height she walked around the bed, sat down in the chair she usually occupied and waited. And waited. For over 15 minutes, neither one said a word and Clay kept his gaze on the ceiling while Emma kept her on Clay.
Finally Clay moved his head to the side to meet her eyes. Their eyes locked for a moment and for a split second it felt as if everything was as good as it had been before deployment. Before the explosions. Before his injuries. Then Clay turned his gaze away from hers and they were back to where they were.
Emma sighed and glanced over at his bedside table where his phone blinked with a new message. Grabbing the phone from where it was charging she frowned at what she found as she opened it.
Scrolling through, she found unanswered call after unanswered call, unread message after unread message.
"Bear…you got a lot of missed calls and unread messages. Dad. Dad. Sonny. Sonny. Sonny. Ray. Trent… You haven't answered any of them since you got here, have you?"
Clay blew out a deep breath threw his nose, making a frustrated sound.
"I'll call 'em when I know I'm coming back."
Emma frowned again.
"Babe… that's… that's something you might not know for months."
"Well, I'll call 'em then, then." Another sound of frustration left him as his eyes once more found Emma's. "Why are you here, Emma?"
For a moment she just stared at her boyfriend.
"What do you mean? I've been here pretty much whenever I was allowed to from the moment they brought you in here, Clay."
"But why? Why stay here? Don't you have a life to live at home?"
The mix of defiant and defeated that colored his words made Emma sit up and she knew she was glaring at him when she caught his eyes with hers.
"Don't. Don't you dare try and push me away right now, Clay Ashland Spenser. I know you're hurting. I know you hate being here. I understand that PT didn't go as well as you wanted it to today. I get that you feel like no one understands and that everything sucks. But I'm here Clay, because I want to be. Because I feel better being here, with you, than at home. Because I belong here, with you. Because I love you, Clay. That's why I'm here and not in Virginia Beach."
They stared at each other as Emma's words settled between them and then Emma got up from her chair.
"Move over, Bear."
Clay didn't hesitate, he simply moved himself over as much as he could to the right side of the bed and a few moments later he was joined by Emma, who laid down on her side, head propped up on her right arm as she settled her left around his waist.
She pressed a kiss to his temple and then did what she always did when Clay needed something to ground him. She sang.
"When you feel all alone,
And the world has turned it's back on you.
Give me a moment please to tame your wild, wild heart.
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you.
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold.
When darkness is upon your door and
You feel like you can't take anymore.
Let me be the one you call.
If you jump I'll break your fall.
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night.
If you need to fall apart,
I can mend a broken heart.
If you need to crash then crash and burn,
You're not alone."
Clay closed his eyes as Emma started to sing and as the words to the song filtered through he wondered how she managed to do this, to find the song with just the right message at just the right time. It wasn't just now, but every time since that first time she sang for him, after Stella had first broken his heart, she had always managed to find just the right song with just the right lyrics to reach that part inside of him that needed something to hold on to.
"When you feel all alone,
And a loyal friend is hard to find.
You're caught in a one way street,
With the monsters in your head.
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel you can't face the day.
Let me be the one you call.
If you jump I'll break your fall.
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night.
If you need to fall apart,
I can mend a broken heart.
If you need to crash then crash and burn,
You're not alone."
Emma brushed some errant locks away from Clay's forehead as she continued to sing. If there was one song she felt made her point in this moment, it was this one and she really hoped that Clay felt that, even when he tried to push her away, she would always be there. If not in person, then in spirit.
"Because there has always been heartache and pain.
And when it's over you'll breathe again…
You'll breathe again.
When you feel all alone,
And the world has turned its back on you.
Give me a moment please,
To tame your wild wild heart."
Letting the words drag out, Emma pressed another kiss to Clay's temple, then his nose and finally on his mouth before she let herself lean down and rest her head on his chest where she could feel the steady beating of his heart under her ear.
"Let me be the one you call.
If you jump I'll break your fall.
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night.
If you need to fall apart,
I can mend a broken heart.
If you need to crash then crash and burn,
You're not alone."
