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(Rosé PoV)
I took a quick spin out the stall in a light blue sundress that went down beneath my knees. It matched my eyes which was a plus. I thought my eyes were one of the things I had going for me. I rotated before Peach and Pine to give them a show before we made any decisions.
I was eyeing up a pink little number that would match my hair a little as well as what I was currently wearing. It was short enough that it would give Cloud something to look at if he wanted. It would also be something graceful if he wanted to do a little bit more. I don't know? Like lift it up and bend me over something when he couldn't keep his hands to himself anymore at the dance. And why not? It wasn't like I would say 'no' if after we danced a few numbers he decided he wanted to get touchy-feely. In fact if he couldn't keep his hands to himself and wanted me as bad as I wanted him he could probably put it in me if he played his cards right. And the deck was sort of stacked in his favor.
"Looks nice," Pine examined.
"Not really eye-popping though if you catch my drift," Peach supplied from where she sat. That honesty was what I appreciated about her.
I sighed. I sort of agreed. If it didn't make my eyes pop it was a miss and I should go with something red.
"So what do you not have to attend that gala or whatever?" Peach asked. She'd picked out a couple dresses to try on.
"I mean… I probably don't have to anymore. I probably could. If I wanted," I returned. "I'm not really sure that I want to, you know? It's dancing with all these rich noble boys who think they're all that. You feel me?"
"Little bit," Pine agreed.
"Yeah," Peach nodded. "The sort of guy who goes for the 'lady killer.' Who needs it?"
"Maybe if Cloud would go with me…"
"That goes without saying," Peach said.
"I'm a bit old to show up completely unescorted," I went on. "And he's pretty much the only guy I want escorting me anywhere. He'd look good in a suit though. Wouldn't he?"
"With the piercings and his hair," Pine chimed in, nodding.
"Keep all the other guys off of you, that's for sure. No noblemens' son thank you very much. We like hunters," Peach chorused.
"Right and I mean… maybe this is just a personal preference thing…" I trailed.
"Go on," Pine insisted.
"But aren't you tired of testosterone? A little?" I asked.
"I don't quite follow. Are you gay?" Pine asked. "Are you trying to come out right now? It's fine if you are."
"No. That's not what I meant."
"No, come on. She likes the Prof, remember?" Peach defended.
"But like, okay, if you're not looking for testosterone, I'm not sure that the Professor is your guy. I mean… Okay, he's not a man's manly man, man. But he's probably pretty loaded with testosterone. He's built like a truck."
"He's built like a powerful and sexy motorcycle. I would argue," I disagreed. "He's… I don't know. Peach?"
"I think I hear you?" Peach phrased it like a question. "He's a touch baby faced. You know what I mean? Like he doesn't have a marble jawline or really square features. And… and I don't know? I'm I helping at all?"
"A little. I mean… it can be sort of toxic. Being super masculine. You feel me?" I asked.
"Yeah. Okay. I do feel you. I've dated guys who weren't in touch with their emotions or feminine side and it was exhausting. I feel you. I do," Peach snapped her fingers at me. "Has anyone seen Yuma?"
"She's changing. I think she's a little nervous," Pine said. "Anyways. Okay. I feel where you're coming from. But Strife is a killer. Like he has trophies from people that he's killed on display in his office. That's the same guy you're talking about."
"But he's emotional too. He has emotional maturity that a lot of the guys I've ran into at galas and dances lack," I tried.
"He's metrosexual," Peach agreed. "With the piercings and the hair. I feel you, sister. Yeah."
"Like it's what you said, it's exhausting. Being around men who are all testosterone and no chill is tiring. And they're all full of themselves and proud of it and it's not really something to be proud of. Cloud is a killer. He's a badass. But he's also… I don't know… not sweet really. But he is kind. He's got a good heart. He'd be capable of understanding me and reaching out to me emotionally."
"I'm getting a clearer picture now," Pine decided. "But he is still a guy. Like he's a man. A man."
"Right but what Rosé is saying is that he isn't afraid of his emotions or anybody else's. He has a respect for them. It's like some men get high off of being manly and unemotional and distant. Strife's not distant. He's manly, but he isn't distant. Is that what you're driving at?"
"A little. And again maybe this is totally a personal preference thing."
"Sure," Pine agreed. "Maybe your type is metrosexual men. That's fine."
"Yeah but where do you go looking for that? That sort of emotional maturity and security? It wasn't present at all in Nibelheim," Peach agreed. "Because I'm right there with you. Guy's who are masculine and afraid to show any emotional weakness and don't know how to process you when you need some support are totally unattractive."
"Guys who are just distant andemotionally unavailable…" Pine murmured. "Where do they hang out? Are there like, bars? For metrosexual, emotionally available and mature guys?"
"I have no idea," I said. "So… it's a little scary. My brother is like that. Do you know what I mean?"
"Oh…" Peach trailed.
"And he's the overprotective sort as well. And it's like, give me a fucking break, dude. Give me a break from yourself. Allow yourself to have a break from yourself because it's just too much."
"Ouch. Sis," Peach agreed. "That's rough."
"When Cloud was training me to be a huntress and I entered that tournament where I met you, Pine?"
"Uh huh," Pine pressed.
"He attacked him! He attacked Cloud. Right after one of my matches. Said he didn't want me involved in the hunting business because it's dangerous."
"Which it is," Peach supplied.
"And it is. But it's also my decision. And he was emotionally unavailable all my life and now he wants to be my big brother? Are you joking? That's not how it works. That's not how any of this works."
"I'm feeling you," Peach nodded.
"Anyways. I think that's why I like Cloud and why it's a little scary."
"Because you have no idea where you're going to find another guy like him. Emotionally available. Strong. Still masculine. Emotionally and mentally mature," Pine agreed and was nodding with understanding.
"Yeah. Exactly. Guys like Cloud Strife do not come around often. Do you really hear me?" I asked. "Does that make sense?"
"Yeah sis. You're… you're reading from my bible. I mean… My dad did fine. For, like, his generation," Peach said.
"But that's not good enough! My dad did fine for his generation too I guess but I don't want that and I didn't need it when I was little. I needed him to be emotionally available."
"Yeah…" Peach was nodding and looking distant. "And I hate to bring it back to my dad... "
"Why?" I asked.
"Well, you're sharing and I don't want to detract from that. I'm just trying to relate is all."
"I hear you. Go ahead," I demanded.
"Like he was never abusive. But he wasn't as there for me as he could have been after my mom died. And it was hard on him too."
"Of course," Pine chimed in. "Of course it was. But…"
"Like he wasn't abusive but he was kind of abusive. If that makes sense? Like I needed more from him. I needed him to be there for me. Yeah he lost his wife but you can't use your daughter as a crutch to get over some loss like that. You have to be the adult. You have to manage your grief and process and move on. Then you have to help your kid do that. And he just…"
"He didn't," I added. "And that's that generation."
"Right. Like the older generations just were like that about things and mental health and mental illness," Peach agreed. "But at the same time… without my mom… I needed more from him. Like I needed more from you, bro. I needed you to take care of me. And so while he was never- he never hit me. He never emotionally manipulated me or gaslighted me… he wasn't really there when I needed him to be. So while it wasn't abusive it hurt me very badly."
"And you're still dealing with it." I finished.
She just gave a slow thousand yard stare nod. "Am I crazy?" She asked.
"No. My brother and my dad are exactly like that. At least I had my mom. I'm so sorry," I pushed out.
Peach just shrugged.
"So… this is why you like Cloud. Professor Strife," Pine interpreted.
'Cloud is… I'm not sure I should be telling you this... Oh hey Yuma that dress looks nice on you."
"What were we talking about?" Yuma wondered. Her face was slightly flushed.
"Men," Pine supplied.
"Toxic testosterone and the older generations," Peach agreed.
"Metrosexuality," I finished.
"What do you mean?" Yuma asked.
"Well… my dad wasn't as there for me as he could have been after my mom died. And it's because of how the older generations view mental health and mental illness and emotions."
"My brother and my dad too." I agreed.
"Oh… like… emotional maturity?"
"Yeah, and being in touch with your emotions. We were talking about how it's exhausting in guys who aren't," Pine agreed. "I might try that dress on after you, Yuma."
"And… Cloud is? Emotionally available?" Yuma pressed. "That's why you like him?"
"Well… yeah. And… speaking of mental illness… I don't even know if I should be telling you this… I'm going to anyways. Maybe a guy has to be mentally ill for them to get it. Or abused or hurt or whatever. And Cloud… he was hospitalized for his mental wellbeing in Atlas. He told me."
"What's he got?" Peach asked. "Like do you know?"
"Did they know? Sometimes it's hard to pin down?" Pine wondered.
"It's schizoaffective disorder and PTSD. PTSD from all of his trauma and schizoaffective disorder from trauma and genetics and who knows what else. Like, you brought up how he is a killer but he still feels. Like he's not a sociopath or a psychopath. Those are the sort of people he kills."
"You're saying he's emotionally available because he's been hurt," Yuma figured.
"A little bit. It's also how I know he's emotionally available and mature because I've seen him hurting. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah. It does," Peach agreed readily. She still seemed to be thinking about her father.
"Like… there was this time he killed these bandits and he… took pleasure in it? Killing them? But then at the same time he let me see him hurting over it and other stuff. He talked to me about his old team. They all died on him."
"Ouch," Peach whispered.
"So yeah. I mean. It's cool that he's sexy and smart and a badass and saves lives. But he could also, you know, be there for me? And that's what I think really makes him attractive. The fact that he could support me emotionally when I need him to."
"You're… yeah. I mean, yeah. That's kinda the dream. Isn't it?" Peach asked. "You've struck dust over here. And it sucks that he's hurting. Don't worry. We won't tell anyone."
"Like how bad of PTSD are we talking?" Pine wondered. "The guy… I hate to bring this home twice but he's got trophies from people he's killed on display in his office. Like he took them off of somebody's corpse. Isn't that fucking… I don't know… the opposite of what you're saying? Like I hear you, but I don't know if this is it, chief. He took trophies off of the people he killed and put them on display."
"Well you can't get trophies off the Grimm," I countered. "And it's people like Raven fucking Branwen. Like… if you're not allowed to pump your fist in the air after you kill somebody like Raven Branwen when are you allowed to pump your fist in the air?"
"Yeah… do you know who else the trophies are off of?" Peach asked.
"Adam Taurus…" Pine started.
"Terrorist and mass murderer. Even the White Fang disavowed him," Peach said.
"And someone named Tyrian Callows. He said that Tyrian Callows was a serial killer," Pine finished. "Cinder Fall, too. She orchestrated an attack on Haven and was wanted for crimes over here."
"Okay? I mean? Let's say he kills serial killers for the sport of it. Hunts them down and destroys them. I'm… I mean, my panties are still wet for the guy. Am I nuts?" Peach asked.
"No," Yuma decided with barely any thought. And if she thought anything about Peach's vulgarity it didn't register in me.
"No," I agreed. "It's like killing Raven Branwen. He's a hero and he should be proud of that."
"Okay. I'm in the minority here. I guess. I think… I think it's a sign that he's deeply disturbed," Pine finished.
"I just told you he was. Is. Whatever. I mean… if being 'deeply disturbed' for him manifests as a pathological need to destroy bandits and other murderers then I'm not really concerned about it."
"Yeah but is that all, though? You know what I mean? We're just looking at surface level stuff here. Who knows what other sick things are up with him."
"Like what? Like rape or pedophilia or some other sick shit?" Peach asked.
"I would… I would know by now. I think."
"You think," Peach accused me.
"I'm pretty sure. I mean… he had plenty of opportunities to do horrific shit to me. He said he likes killing people. He says he likes the power it grants him over life and death. He outright confessed that to me and I saw him murder bandits with a smile on his face."
"Okay. Pretty dark," Yuma cut in nervously. "But bandits need to die. I'm still with it. The Branwen Khanate attacked Wutai dozens upon dozens of times. I've fought and killed bandits. I'm still with it."
"And he was trying to get better about it. Enjoying it, that is. That counts for something. It's not like he refuses to recognize that there is a problem or can't see his own faults. He sees that he likes that power as something wrong with himself. Again, he's not a psychopath or a sociopath. He hunts psychopaths and sociopaths. And he's traumatized because of what he's done. That's not the calling card of someone dangerous. It's… it's someone handling our profession well."
"Well… As well as can be expected," Pine met me halfway.
"I'm going to take this dress off," Yuma decided.
"I'll follow you," Pine informed her.
"What do you think?" I asked Peach.
"I mean… I sort of see why Pine's worried. You know? It's not all good down there inside of him. Like in his demeanor as this thing he's built up and his personality wrapped around it. Somewhere inside of there is something bad. It's not alright at the bottom of who he is as a man and a hunter. There's a little twist or fold that shows that there is, in fact, something wrong with him. But… me too. You feel me? I like beating people up with my fists and feet and tearing into them. I like it. So me fucking too. At the bottom of who I am as a student, as a daughter, as a member of society it's not all good from top to bottom. And I think that's okay. I think you have to be a little warped to be a good hunter for very long and Cloud is one of the best. So… I mean… I see it. I see this glimmer of something awful inside of him but I'm not really ignoring it so much as I'm saying 'yeah, same.' Do you know what I mean?"
"Yeah. I do," I promised.
"I don't know. That's just my take on it. And maybe if you pull him by the right thread he'll fall apart and become undone. It's like jenga. Where's the wobbly piece all of this is stacked ontop of? You know it's there even if you can't see it. I think that just might be people in general though."
I said nothing and she stared off into the crowd.
"Try on that dress," I urged. "Let me try on mine. We have a man to win."
Peach nodded real slowly again. But she got up and went to the changing stalls.
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-WG
