Chapter 74.
Bobby put an artery-threatening stack of bacon and eggs down on the table and sat down opposite Sam. He looked at Sam's healthier breakfast and shook his head. "How you're still upright is a mystery to me. You don't eat enough to sustain a small fruit fly."
"I eat plenty." said Sam.
"Yeah, you eat plenty and you sleep plenty, so the guy I see living on toast and salads and haunting the library all night must be some other dude who just looks a lot like you."
"I never claimed to sleep much." said Sam.
"Pretty much not at all." said Bobby.
"Difficult to sleep when my brother is being ridden around by you-know-who."
Bobby nodded. "Yeah, must be. I didn't mean to offend."
"It's fine, Bobby. I know I'm not doing great, but your breakfast isn't exactly ideal either."
"I figure the Apocalypse didn't kill me, so nitrates are not gonna do me much harm. What was the deal with the lights last night? For a second, I thought we were under attack."
"I guess the old wiring here isn't perfect." said Sam, anxious not to make things awkward for Cas and Jules, "Don't mention it to Castiel. He worries about electricity."
"That angel has so many weird hang-ups."
"Tell me about it," said Sam.
"Reminds me of a cat I used to have." said Bobby, "Wouldn't sleep on anything but cotton and wool and freaked out over shadows. Didn't turn a hair when a witch walked in and threw me across the room, but shadows scared the hell out of him. Best mouser we ever had, but crazy."
"Well, Cas is also the best mouser we have, so I'm fine with him being a little high strung." said Sam, "For now, I don't want anything said around him that might cause issues."
"On account of him being always one wrong word away from going nuclear?"
"His state of mind is delicate. It'll stay that way until we find Dean."
"And if we never get Dean back?"
"That's not an option, for Cas or for me."
"Don't get me wrong. I'm all for turning over every stone ... twice, but maybe there is nothing left to save."
"I know." said Sam, "But if that's true, there's nothing left of me either and Cas ... well, he might stick around for Jack, so might I, but neither of us will ever feel the same or have a shred of hope to cling to."
"You ever think maybe you over-invest in your brother?"
"No." said Sam, giving Bobby a look that he hoped made clear the futility of any further discussion.
"If you don't need me today," said Bobby, "And I'm gettin' the feeling you don't, I thought I might swing over by Sarah's farm and get some work done on her barn. I was thinking of asking Mark to lend a hand."
"Good idea." said Sam.
Jules came in, followed by Cas. "Great idea." said Jules, "Could I get a ride? I should make sure Sarah and the chickens are okay and then I could bring my Jeep back here. I have a feeling Cas and I are staying at the bunker for a while."
"Sounds like a plan." said Bobby.
"I'll need a volunteer for a supply run later." said Sam, "Just groceries and beer."
"I can do that." said Cas.
"You?" said Bobby.
"Why not me? I have my car. I can handle a shopping trip. I won't mess up and bring alcohol-free beer." He looked sheepishly at Sam and added, "Not again. Dean was pretty clear on why that was wrong. I didn't know there was alcohol-free beer. I always thought the whole point of beer was the alcohol."
"So did Dean, hence the rant." said Sam.
"It's not that I think you're not capable." said Bobby, "Just seems a waste, sending our one angel off on a beer run. Seems we should be using you for something bigger."
Cas ignored Bobby and appealed to Sam. "Sam, I need to do something. If there were something bigger I could do, you know I'd do it. In accordance with the Pact, I'm telling you, honestly and openly that I am trying to stay sane ... trying to stay alive. To do either, I need to have a purpose, even if it's just to gather hygiene supplies, chips and beer."
"Maybe Jules should go with you." said Sam.
"In case I break and run?"
"In case you need a friend." said Sam, "We're all worried about you. In accordance with the Pact, I'm telling you, the thought of you being alone right now scares me. You went to Stull. That scares me."
Jules spoke quietly. "If I thought there could be any risk to Cas, you know I wouldn't go to Ionia. I've been with him all night and he's strong and trying to be positive."
"Okay," said Sam, "It'll take me a while to compile a list, but when I have one, you can do it."
"Thankyou, Sam." said Cas.
"I trust you. I do. It's just that, right now, I feel a need to keep everyone close ... safe. But that's my issue, not yours."
"I feel the same need." said Cas, "I understand completely. It gives me a great deal of comfort to have Jules with me, but that's partly why I need to do this, so I don't smother her or become dependent on having her in sight. I could easily fall into obsession."
"Sounds like you're very much in control of the situation." said Sam.
"Trying hard to be." said Cas. He looked at Jules and she smiled self-consciously.
"Is something wrong?" said Sam.
"Nothing is different in any way from any other day." said Cas quickly.
Sam smiled. Whatever had made the lights flicker, Cas was not ready to talk about it, but that didn't mean it hadn't been significant to him.
In accordance with the Pact. Cas had said the Pact meant nothing unless Dean were with them, but now he was talking as if it were still valid. That had to be a good sign. He reflected that he had also let the Pact slide. From the best of motives, he had probably not made the best decisions about what to share and what to conceal.
He had also made a promise to Sarah. He waited until Bobby and Jules had left the room and then said, "Cas, Sarah suggested I should get you to put me to sleep for a few hours."
"I could have put you to sleep last night." said Cas.
"Yeah, I know. Maybe I should have asked."
"You can always ask."
"Yeah, like you can always talk to me. Only we don't, do we? And I figured you and Jules needed some time alone."
Cas glanced at the floor. "That was thoughtful of you."
"But now, I'm asking. I just need an hour, maybe two. No dreams. Definitely no dreams."
"You're dreaming about Dean?"
"Only when I sleep." said Sam.
"Which is why you barely do." said Cas.
"That and the fact that it feels like wasting time."
"Time is all we have. You should spend some of it not thinking about Dean."
"Easier said than done." said Sam.
"Believe me, I know. Come on. You gave me time with Jules last night. The least I can do is grant you a brief oblivion."
"Thanks, Cas. I appreciate it."
"Would you have asked if Sarah hadn't told you to?"
"No. I don't think I would."
