Author's Note:
So we've reached the middle of the first book :) I hope you all enjoyed the ride so far :P Again, I want to thank each and every one of you who took the time to read through the story, and those of you who left a kudo, vote, comment or subscribed and followed and such O:) All your support mean so much to me.
And, of course, don't be shy to share your opinions of the chapters or of anything about the story. I'm always glad to hear from any of you :)
I hope you enjoy this chapter, as well as those to come after.
Chapter LXXV – Precautions
She couldn't help herself.
What was happening? Why did he let that women paw all over him?
He knew her, that much was obvious – one of his past 'acquaintances' without a doubt…
But why didn't he send her away? Why did he insinuate that she should act like they didn't know each other? Did he actually want to… be with her?
Was she not enough for him? Did he like the woman better? Did her inexperience deter him? Did he want someone… more like her? Someone bolder? Someone who didn't get flustered every time he touched her?
She thought he liked her for who she was, she thought he didn't pine for something different…
Her anxiety was getting the better of her steadily. She knew she should be angry with him, rather than this, but she was powerless against the sudden onslaught of insecurity.
But maybe the woman was dangerous, maybe he was just cautious to deter her…
She told herself that was the case, calming her thoughts…
Until…
She didn't want to go past them, but she needed to get away from the common room, the back of her neck burning insufferably.
She paid for a room with some of the money Hulda just gave her for the performance and left, eager to escape.
But she just couldn't help herself.
She looked out the window on the upper floor, too curious to see if they would leave the tavern together…
She saw him chase after her, catching her at the marketplace.
She saw…
Her heart sank, sorrow, insecurity and the feeling of defeat washing over her.
They kissed…
He didn't push her away, he put his arms on her waist, holding her close to him.
She couldn't watch anymore, tears welling up in her eyes.
Did she do something wrong? Or was this just what he did? Abandoning her when someone better came along…
She stepped away from the window.
She just wanted to crawl somewhere and cry the night away, the confusion and the sorrow consuming all her thoughts.
Why was he doing this to her?
…
Neeshka ran through the empty nighttime streets towards the city gates.
Fuck! He needed to stop her!
He needed to prevent her telling Thorn about Aeyrin.
But how? She was determined… she was sure they were together.
Thorn took vicious pleasure in ruining his life.
He remembered his words after Jules died, after he tried to leave Thorn's group again. After he did everything he could to sabotage his operations when he wouldn't let him.
'Kill you? Why would I kill you? You wanted freedom. I'll make sure you never have it.
You think it's over because the whelp is dead?
Everyone you ever care about, a will get them and I will take them away from you again.
You owe me, Bishop.
For all the shit you did to me and my men.
You will owe me for the rest of your miserable life.'
He saw what that meant.
He knew what happened to Ysolda.
He wouldn't let that, or worse, happen to Aeyrin.
Whatever it took.
He caught up with her when she was almost by the gates.
They were right in front of Breezehome with no one around in sight.
The streets were blessedly quiet. Everyone was likely still at the inn.
There wasn't even a guard by the gate.
It was like fate.
An opportunity.
He had to act.
His arms enveloped her, her back pressed against his chest as she gasped in shock.
His hunting knife at her throat.
There was no time to hesitate, he had a perfect opportunity.
He had to do everything to save Aeyrin.
He had to take precautions.
The blood stained the tunic on his arm, trickling down her neck. Her weight falling limply against his chest, the sickening gurgle, as she tried to speak with the last vestiges of her life, echoed in his ears.
Fuck!
Fuck! What now?!
He was standing in an empty street with a corpse in his arms.
Anyone could have come.
Anyone could have seen him from the window.
This was sloppy and reckless!
He should have waited… he should have followed her outside the city. This was so fucking stupid! Why did he let himself panic like that?
Stop fucking thinking about what you should have done and take care of this, idiot!
He clutched her body to him, his hand frantically fishing in the pocket of his trousers.
The key, good.
His hand was shaking badly as he managed to fit it into the keyhole, lunging himself inside the house.
Lydia's shocked expression greeted him, her mouth ajar along with palpable terror in her eyes.
He heard himself speak before he even realized it.
"I need your help."
…
"Let me get this straight. You… murdered… an innocent person… to protect Aeyrin?"
Lydia's scowl couldn't be fiercer as she helped him lay the limp body on the large blanket.
"There's nothing 'innocent' about her… she's… look, it's really fucking complicated. Now can we please hurry this up before Aeyrin decides to come back?" he snapped at her, his hands still shaking badly, his body covered in Neeshka's blood.
He could still make things right.
This could all still work out fine.
He just needed to do everything perfectly.
"That… I can't accept you telling me it's 'complicated' and help you get rid of a… body! You're making me an accomplice! And how am I supposed to keep this from Aeyrin?!" Lydia threw her arms up in despair, her eyes fastened on the dead girl splayed on the blanket.
"Listen to me! There are… people. Bad fucking people who… if they take interest in Aeyrin… she'd be lucky if they just gave her a quick death alright? This girl is… was… a bandit. She wanted to tell them about Aeyrin. I needed to stop her!" Bishop tried to explain at least something without getting Lydia involved in his shit too.
"Why can't Aeyrin know?! Why won't you just tell her everything?!" Lydia cried out in confusion and desperation as he started to wrap the body in the blanket tightly, making sure to make enough layers that the blood wouldn't soak through visibly. It was obvious that she was at the end of her rope here, desperately hoping that Aeyrin could know so that she would do the 'right thing'. What even was the right thing in this shitstorm?
"Because… she would try to… get rid of the people… she would try to…" help me. "It's too dangerous. She wouldn't be able to do that… it would… end really badly for her, believe me…" he sighed in defeat, taking the length of rope from Lydia and fastening it around the blanket. She looked like she was only capable of automated responses. She did everything he told her to, getting the blanket and the rope without as much as an attempt to run off to get the guards. It was likely the shock. If she were able to think straight, he might have already had several soldiers restraining him and dragging him to the dungeons.
"I… I can't believe you're doing this to me…" Lydia shook her head, a hint of hurt on her face.
It was understandable, they were becoming friends, kind of, and now he dragged her right in the middle of all this shit. He was sorry… but nothing mattered as much as keeping Aeyrin from this.
"I know… if there were any other way, Lydia… I'm sorry. But I need you, and I need you for Aeyrin's sake," he gave her a genuinely pleading look. However much he tried, he couldn't think of another solution.
There was so much conflict in her eyes. She seemed to be mulling over his words over and over again, pondering over her options. He was pretty certain though, that in her current state, she was unable to think rationally at all.
Lydia sighed in defeat, crouching down by the corpse and helping him fasten it with ropes. Maybe it was her training. She spent her life preparing for following some noble's orders and whims. Maybe she must have been counting on something like this… well… maybe not something like this… but something bad happening during her service. Maybe she was ready to really keep silent and pretend like it never happened. Or maybe he was just trying to calm himself down by thinking this.
"So, what's your master plan then? What do we do with… her?" she scowled at him, the fear and trepidation still palpable on her face.
"No one's gonna be looking for her. She's a runner. They get killed all the time…" he wasn't sure if he was convincing her or himself. "It's easy… you just… take some packs and stuff to seem like you're moving a lot of items, not to draw attention to the blanket. Then you take her out of town… like… near White River Watch. There are always bandits there, it'll just look like she was ambushed on the road. No one's gonna bat an eye…"
Lydia stared at him slack-jawed, her eyes wide.
"W-wait… 'me'? Why am I doing this?! And… how often have you done this?! You… you have a whole system!"
"No… not a… system… I just… had some time to… process this. You need to do this while I go back to Aeyrin and… try to… come up with something…" he shook his head, deftly avoiding one of the more uncomfortable questions she posed.
It took a long time before Lydia spoke, staring at him, her brows creased in despair, panic and suspicion. There was a chance she would go to the guards, rat him out.
But he still hoped. He hoped she would do this for Aeyrin's sake. And for some reason, he hoped she would do this for him.
"I… I'm trusting you, Bishop. But if I find out you lied… if someone in town looks for that girl… or if… if anything happens to Aeyrin because of this… I will not cover for you. And I will not be dragged into this, understood? Anything goes wrong, it's on you!"
He gave her a grateful nod.
Nothing could go wrong.
Please let nothing go wrong…
"Yeah… it's on me. Hold on, I'll arrange stuff on you so that it doesn't look suspicious... then I need to… clean this up…" he looked over his bloodstained clothes. He was lucky he had an identical tunic and pants stashed in the house in case these became too worn or damaged in their travels. He could just throw these into the fire.
"And Lydia… thanks…"
…
He stood in front of the door, hesitating a bit.
He took a deep tentative breath. He had his story straight… at least a little. Now just to be convincing.
He noticed how much he hated lying to her. It was becoming harder and harder to keep secrets and there was always a pang of guilt whenever he had to do it. It wasn't like this before. When he had to hide things for the sake of her, there was no reason to feel guilty. He just told her he didn't want to talk about things whenever he could get away with that. But even then… he still felt a little bad. It was just getting worse now. The feeling that he might be endangering her more by keeping her in the dark was returning now even more often.
But rationally, he knew that wasn't true. It was a necessary precaution, he knew her too well to know what followed.
It was probably just the fear of everything catching up to him talking.
Maybe he could just… get away with telling her everything gradually. He already told her about Jules and part of the shit that went down in the Guild.
It was so much easier to tell her than he feared.
But then again, those were not the things he worried about.
His bandit past, his hand in Jules's death, and Thorn – those were the things he worried about.
The things he could probably never tell her.
He knocked on the door loudly, his forehead resting against it for a brief second.
No answer.
"Princess… please, let me in…" he knocked again with a sigh.
Nothing.
Maybe she was asleep…
Yeah right… she just didn't want to talk to him.
Well… desperate times…
He fished in his pocket for a lockpick. He counted on this possibility. He bent down on his knee and fiddled with the lock, hearing the familiar snap only a second later.
She was sitting on the bed, a pillow clutched in her arms, pressed against her torso as if she was hoping it would provide her with some protective shield. Her eyes were puffy and had red circles around them, her whole face was flushed. This time he didn't like the look of that. Especially because it was his fault… he made her feel like this.
"Go away…" she said quietly, her eyes never meeting his.
"No… just… let me explain…" he closed the door behind him, sitting himself on the bed in front of her.
She didn't answer, her eyes still downcast, not looking at him.
Bishop took a deep breath, scooting closer to her, her averted eyes making him more nervous than he expected.
"She was… we used to have a thing a long time ago… I guess you figured that out… Anyway… she's kind of… insane. When I ended things with her, everything seemed fine. Until I slept with another girl… When she found out, she got mad and kinda started to… terrorize the girl. I just… I thought the best thing to do was to pretend we didn't know each other. I didn't want her getting any ideas again," he sighed, looking at Aeyrin expectedly. This wasn't a lie at least, but it still wasn't exactly everything he could have divulged.
"Oh good, you slept with her to protect me… that feels better…" she mumbled, her brows creasing, her eyes still avoiding him.
"What? I didn't sleep with her! Nothing happened!" he moved a bit closer again, oddly enough feeling further and further away from her by the second.
Finally her eyes turned to him, narrowing dangerously, hatefully.
"You're lying! I saw you! I know what you did!" she spat at him, clutching the pillow closer to her, her eyes turning away from him again a second later.
'Saw him'?! Did she see him kill her?!
No… she said they slept together. She wouldn't have said that if she saw.
She must have seen them kiss.
Fuck, he didn't count on that…
He placed a hand on her knee calmingly, only to have her flinch away with a nasty glare.
He sighed, shaking his head.
"Yeah… she kissed me. I didn't really know if I should stop her… like I said, I was trying to…"
"You said you were trying to keep her from knowing about me! Does that mean you can't say no to her?! I saw you kiss her and then you disappear for like two hours! What in Oblivion am I supposed to think?!" she snapped at him, scooting away from him even further, her eyes accusing, spiteful.
Well… she had a point… it didn't look good.
"I was… look… I stopped it after a while. I… wasn't sure what to do… I didn't want her to think there was someone else… I panicked… I guess," he gave out another sigh. "I followed her for a while after… I wanted to make sure she left town. Just… to be safe."
"That took two hours?!" she wouldn't be deterred, scowling at him fiercely.
"No… I just… look, I wasn't exactly eager to have this conversation! I just wandered around for a while, I guess…" he gave her a pleading look again. He wasn't exactly counting on her seeing them. This made it way less convincing. He should have suspected this… he got so sloppy. Trying to keep her safe while trying to keep everything a secret from her at the same time has been steadily turning him into a nervous wreck.
"And I'm supposed to just believe that?! After you…" her breath caught in her throat, tears welling up in her eyes again involuntarily.
Fuck, this was heart-wrenching. Just the sight of her like this…
"Don't you trust me?" his voice felt quieter, desperate.
"That's not fair! You can't just ask me that and get away with anything! I saw you kiss her! That doesn't exactly garner trust!" she cried out, wiping the tears away quickly to calm herself.
He sighed again, at a loss for words. He moved closer to her again, wiping another tear escaping her gently, trying to catch her evasive eyes with his.
"I know... I'm… I'm really sorry I let it come to that. I promise you, nothing else happened between us. Princess, I don't want anyone but you, I swear…"
He put his arm around her, pulling her close to him as she sobbed, his lips laying a gentle kiss in her hair.
"Stop… this isn't fair! You can't just…" she protested quietly, but didn't do anything to pull away from him.
"I know… but I don't know what else to do…" he let out a strained chuckle against her hair, moving her firmly against his chest, her curled form nestled in his arms.
"Why… why would you even lie in the first place? How am I supposed to…" she shook her head desperately, closing her eyes for a spell, as if to escape the room at least for a while.
"I… I just wanted to avoid this… it didn't mean anything, I was just being careful to protect you from her. If I acted differently than I used to…" he sighed, now regretting sorely that he didn't find out what she knew before coming up with an excuse. This, at least, was the truth too.
"Protect me?! Why would you think I needed protecting? Why would you think I would want this?" she cried out, punching firmly against his chest, not enough to hurt him, but enough to make a point.
"You don't know what she's capable of…" he scoffed, shaking his head with a scowl.
You have no idea what I'm protecting you from…
"I don't care! Why can't you just talk to me about these things?! Why do you always try to keep things from me first? How am I supposed to believe you after that?!" she clenched his tunic in his embrace, her eyes still avoiding him, her teeth gritted.
"I… don't know… I… should have…" he sighed, lying again. If only it were that simple… Lying was the easier option, the better one. The safer one. No matter how much he hated it, it was necessary.
"It… makes me feel like… I don't know what to believe anymore…" she sniffled again against his chest, her anger turning back into desperation at his feigned admission.
"I'm really sorry, sweetness. I didn't wanna hurt you…"
She hid herself into his embrace.
Dammit, why did it feel so comforting?!
She shouldn't believe him, she shouldn't just let it slide. His reasons were weak at best. He wouldn't have admitted what happened if she hadn't seen him, who knows how much more he was hiding? And why would he do this? Why would he want to be with someone else? She didn't…
She hated how insecure this made her feel. It was not supposed to be her fault, and it was not supposed to be just forgiven and forgotten.
But she wanted to believe him… maybe it was just because she was scared of what would happen if she didn't. And when would she be satisfied with his reasons? When he admitted sleeping with her? And if he didn't? What then? What could he say to make her believe him?
Believing him would be so comforting…
"Tell me what to do, sweetness…" he whispered, his head was buried in her hair, his arms encircling her as she still hugged the pillow, curled into a ball.
"I don't know…" she shook her head, at a loss. She didn't want to let it go… but then again she wanted to. She just wanted things to go back to how they were only a few hours ago. But it wasn't rational to just ignore this. No one would just ignore this… right?
"I don't know either… I don't know how to… prove that nothing else happened…" he shook his head against her hair, kissing it softly again. I could show you her corpse… I bet that would convince you…
She shrugged lightly, untangling herself from him, wiping her tears away.
"I don't know… it feels like… I want to let it go… but it feels like I shouldn't…" she sighed, putting the pillow back towards the headboard, avoiding his eyes again. It seemed stupid to say it out loud.
"I… umm… get that I'm biased… but you really shouldn't concern yourself with what you 'should' do…" he gave her a weak smirk, his eyes still somewhat regretful and pleading. "Let's just forget this, princess, please… I really don't know what else there is to do…"
She shrugged rather than agreeing, her eyes still downcast.
Neither of them really talked for a while, the atmosphere in the room still uncomfortable.
They sat on the bed a stone's throw apart, occasionally throwing each other uncertain looks.
Perhaps in the morning the tension would ease...
They stayed at the inn, at first each scooted onto their own side of the bed.
Aeyrin remembered the first time they stayed at The Bannered Mare.
They stayed in the same bed, in the second floor of the inn back then, equally uncomfortably separated. But back then… all she felt was this strange trepidation… and some excitement at being close to him.
Now it felt like she's never been further away. After everything they went through… being back here, like this…
She sighed slightly, rolling herself over, ending up right next to his half-sleeping form.
He placed his arm under her head almost immediately, without thinking , his body turning to face her, his other arm draping over her waist, pulling her even closer.
He buried his face in her hair again and she felt his tense muscles relax against her body, as if he was holding his breath the entire time.
It was probably stupid… she probably should have been more careful, she probably shouldn't just ignore this.
But she wanted to.
She didn't want to even think on what it would be like. What if she never forgave him? Would she be able to part from him again? Would she be able to go back to travelling alone, without him, after everything that happened, after everything they've been together? Just the thought of that made her heart clench.
There was nothing she wanted more than to forget any of this ever happened.
