Chapter 76.

Sarah and Jules were in the parlour, drinking tea. "I'll admit," said Sarah, "I wasn't expecting to see you or Castiel today."

"It's strategic." said Jules, glad to have someone she could discuss the strategy with, "He needs a sign that I trust him. He thinks we don't trust him. He doesn't even trust himself."

"And do you trust him?" said Sarah.

"Not really, but I'm trying to. I trust him in so many things. He'll be faithful. I know that. I trust him not to hurt me in any way. His word is good, always. It's just that I know how little it could take to make him overcome his programming and destroy himself. He needs me to believe he won't do that, so he can believe it too. I'm trying to believe it."

Sarah nodded to the ring on Jules's hand. "That ring means a lot. He's aware of how many times he has let people down and he won't make promises he can't keep. He chose to make one to you."

"Yes." said Jules, "That's why I'm starting to believe. He's doing a supply run for Sam today and I wish I could be with him, because the thought of him out alone with his head filled with fears about losing Dean is terrifying. But he will come home to me. Of course he will. He promised." She felt her voice shake a little as she said, "Unless he doesn't."

Sarah's smile was sympathetic. "I feel the same way whenever he leaves here. It's hard, knowing that no matter what his intentions and promises, Heaven can snatch him away or his despair can destroy him or he'll just wander away in search of something he may not even understand."

"Sometimes, he just stares off into the distance and I know that multi-layered mind of his is chasing thoughts I can't begin to comprehend. I'm afraid to ask about them because then he has to try to explain them at my level and thinking down that far is hard for him."

"Jules, I know no human can grasp all of his thinking, but no human has a better chance than you."

"I don't know. You seem to do okay."

"I try to counsel him as I would a human, but he's not human and at times, I struggle even to know what we're really talking about. And his relationship with Dean is so good for him when things are good and so bad when it goes wrong."

"He doesn't want to go on if Dean isn't coming back. He doesn't think e can. But Dean is mortal. We all are. One day, he's gonna have to live without all of us."

"I'm trying to prepare him for it." said Sarah, "When I first met him, he thought Dean was angry with him and he probably was, but I told him a real friend would forgive his mistakes and Dean did. He needed that so much. Even the thought of losing Dean's friendship was unbearable to him. He'd sit with the bees for hours ... days, trying to regain some equilibrium. On the worst days, he'd sit out there naked. He said it helped him to experience the connection without buffers or barriers."

Jules tried to picture that. She smiled at Sarah. "If the first time I get to see him naked is when he's asking the bees to fix his broken heart, that's gonna be a disappointment."

"You've never seen him naked?" said Sarah.

"Barriers and buffers. That damn coat! It's a wall against the world. He'll take the coat off for me, sometimes, but the shirt almost never comes off and any suggestion of ditching the rest ... "

"And it feels like rejection." said Sarah.

"Yes." said Jules.

"But it isn't. The shirt is a big deal. When he takes that off, he's shedding a lot of fortification. He's opening up to you in a way he usually won't consider."

"I tried to massage his shoulders and he couldn't handle it. He's afraid of physical intensity. All intensity scares him."

"Yes. That must be disheartening."

"It is."

"But, of course, it's also encouraging. Dear Castiel is actively choosing to be around you, to risk dropping those barriers, just for you. Now, when his heart is all torn up and terrified, he's still trying to hand it to you. Don't take it personally if sometimes his hands shake a little."

"I know that he loves me and I know he's trying so hard. When he lets himself get affectionate, it's wonderful. Last night ... " She stopped speaking, worried that Sarah might be shocked and uncertain how much she should tell.

"He got affectionate?" said Sarah.

"Very. And he was happy. He wanted to give me pleasure and he did, but when I wanted to do the same for him, he refused. I know a lot of it is about Dean, but a lot of it isn't. He still struggles with the idea of being the object of love. He's also scared to lose control, to feel too deeply."

"Yes. I think what you need to remember is that, with all those fears running around his head all the time, he's still trying. I don't think he would for anyone else. He once told me stagnation is safety. He's a lot less obsessed with safety now."

"Not always, but I feel he is committed to this relationship now. If Heaven doesn't reset him and Dean doesn't die, we have a good chance." She laughed. "I'm a starry-eyed optimist, aren't I?"

"You're perfect for our angel."

"I hope so, because he's perfect for me. Never thought I would fall for an angel. That was never on the cards. In my world, they were worse than the demons."

"I think some of them are here, too." said Sarah.

"Maybe, but not him. Not Cas."

"No, never him."

"Love never seemed like a realistic prospect after the world went to crap. In that world, I was a bitter survivor of war and love and I just wanted to be free of both. Now, here I am, feeling like a teenager about an angel who hides behind a trenchcoat. That may make me crazy,"

"There are worse ways to be crazy. At least you love one of the best men."

"He says he isn't a man. He denies being a person."

"He takes humility a little too far, but we'll help him overcome that."