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I woke up with Weiss on one of my arms. She was in a pale blue nightgown and she looked so peaceful with her eyes shut and her cheek in the crook of my chest. Her face was relaxed and her breathing was steady.
I shifted and she let out a little whimper and squeezed my arm. I held still and just stared down at her little form. Her sharp beautiful features didn't seem any more dull for her rest but somehow were softer. Her little round nose led up smoothly to her eyes. Her lips were full and pink and slightly open.
I pulled her in close to me tight and our feet wrapped up in one another's. Then I kissed her forehead softly and she let out this little sigh.
"'Morning," she whispered.
"Good morning, darling,"
She rubbed her face into my arm firmly. Her hair was long and spread out behind her in waves like the foam of the ocean. Her pale blue eyes looked up at me. They flickered across my face and down to my lips and back up to my eyes.
I rolled so I was on top of her slightly and kissed her deeply but softly. Then I twisted off of her.
"Lay with me…" Did she just whine?
I stared at her and paused in my getting out of the bed. Weiss pulled the covers up to her eyes adorably.
"What?" I asked.
"Please. Just lay with me for a while."
"And do what?"
"Play with my hair. Hold me." She tried to order. She was still hiding from me a little. She knew I was playing off of her lack of assertiveness for affection. It made her seem shy and nervous when she was typically anything but. It was a side to her you had to see to believe. She was hungry for affection but her upbringing got in the way just a touch. Her household growing up wasn't one where affection was open or free.
I laid back down and wrapped her up in my arms by the waist. I pulled her close to me. Then laying on our left sides I ran my right hand through her white locks. She sighed into the touch. I was tempted to grab her hair by the root and pull her head back and mark her neck with purple bruises using my lips. I imagined staining her pale skin with the signs of my passion. I only grew more hungry as I twirled her hair around and stroked it. I scratched her head gently deep at the base of her skull and she let out a tiny sigh. She smiled and bunched the covers up near her face.
"When we have our own place we could do this every day," she tempted me. It was working.
It did sound nice. I played in the pool of her moon-silver hair. The strands felt silky smooth and when she rocked her head it pulled on her hair like the moons' pull on the tides. I gathered it up. It smelled of something cool and creamy and custard like. Her aura was a bit crisp like freshly crushed ice. I pulled her gown to the side and kissed down her neck to the center of her back. She shivered when I sucked on it gently.
"No hickeys," she whined a little but she shifted back into my touch. She tasted delicious and given half the opportunity I would devour her.
"This would be covered by your dress."
"It had better be. I can't walk around all marked up."
"Just a little? Think of it as an engagement."
"Now you're willing to marry me?"
"If you want."
"Is that really how you want to ask me?"
"In the bed we share while I leave love bites down your back? In the school where we met? Where would you prefer? Atlas? Will you marry me?"
"That's a little better, I suppose. You actually asked the question."
"That's not an answer, darling."
"I would need time."
"I have to ask Ruby too. And so do you. Or she could ask you. However you two want to deal with that side of the triangle is up to you. But I do know I want to marry you, my darling dear."
"You keep calling me darling."
"Would you prefer princess?"
"Darling works."
"You could just admit that you like it."
"I bet you'd enjoy that."
"I actually would. Won't you give me the satisfaction?"
"...no," she hesitated then decided. She wrapped herself further up.
"Fair enough," I muttered. I squeezed her body close to mine by pulling her under ribs into me in a close hug from behind. Then I released her. I rolled to the side out of the bed.
"You're leaving me?"
"I'm making coffee. Do you want a cup?"
"Yes. Thank you."
I changed into a shirt and shorts to run in and walked out.
I stepped in the kitchen and put the filter in the machine and filled it with grounds. Then I poured the water in and waited. I could seriously lay in bed with her all day, just the entire day. But I had other shit I had to do.
She joined me in the kitchen as I was pouring two mugs of joe. She was wearing a blue sweater that made her eyes pop and white leggings. The leggings really showed off the curve of her thighs, calves, and butt. I handed her one of the mugs and watched her turn away from me. I stepped in and put my hands around her waist and pulled her into me. She turned and looked at me with one eye and I kissed her cheek. She was giving me a sly smile and I released her to sit down at the table.
I slammed my coffee without enjoying it to get the caffeine in my system. Then I walked to the window and smoked a bowl to get a little high. Weiss wrinkled her nose.
"Should you really be using a propsychotic hallucinogen?" She asked.
"In Atlas towards the end I was smoking and taking those mood stabilizers at the same time. I was mostly fine."
"Mostly fine," she echoed. "And you think mixing those medications is okay?"
"Meh the worst thing about mixing propsychotic and antipsychotic medication is just a headache."
"..." She glowered at me in silence.
"You can just sleep it off though. Be fine."
"I worry about you. You think it's funny but it's not."
"It's a little funny. I'm laughing."
"Admit you like making me worry about you."
"Admit you like being called darling and having your hair pulled."
"I don't know what you're talking about," she muttered spitefully. Then she took a drink of coffee. Unlike me she was savoring it. "You know I disapprove. Does that matter to you?"
"What should I do? It helps me deal with the hallucinations. It helps me deal with Salem. What alternative is there?"
"I want you to try antipsychotics again. Mood stabilizers and the works. Antidepressants and something to help deal with your panic."
"And hope for what? They didn't work before."
"I did some reading and at times it takes a while to find the right combination of meds to help a person. We just need to find yours and your propsychotics can't be good for you."
"It's easy to say that but you have no idea how awful it is to be on the wrong medications. Nightmares. Muscle tremors. Weakness. Memory loss. Inability to focus. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. Self harm. All these things can happen on the wrong batch if you're lucky. You have never been on any of those meds. You really can't understand how bad they can make things. It takes months to find out if a med works for you. You have to go up on it slowly because you don't want any symptoms to spike or any of those things I listed to occur or worse like serotonin syndrome. Then you have to slowly go back down on that medication when it doesn't work. Months. Miserable for months. While the psychiatrist fumbles blindly with medications like Clonazepam which they had me on."
"What was wrong with it?"
"Clonazepam is a benzodiazepine. It's more addictive than hyper with worse withdrawal symptoms than heroin. It's to stop panic attacks. But no one really knows how drugs like these work. Because no one knows how the brain works. And I'm telling you weed helps me. I really have no interest in spending months suffering on super addictive medication that won't even work because there's nothing wrong with my nervous system. I'm as I was intended to be. You know that proving a drug is antipsychotic is a myth right?"
"How so?"
"The questions they ask you are 'are you feeling better?' They are happy pills. And nothing more."
"And weed isn't?"
"But it works for me. You're telling me to play around with all the medications which could spike my psychosis to find one that works for me when I already found one. You really have no idea how much of a waking nightmare those drugs can make your life. I had such horrible dreams and an inability to sleep well on some of them and they made me miserable. They make living intolerable. Being alive is literal agony. I hear you Weiss. You want what's best for me and you're super worried that this isn't it. But I really need you to listen to me when I tell you this works for me. Yeah, the smell sucks. But I'll pick up some concentrates and a vaporizer pen and the smell will be gone. CBD is an antipsychotic. THC and THC-H are the propsychotics. It's both. Just like those meds you want me on. Those meds have the potential to make things worse too."
"We'll talk about it more. I just worry about you, Cloud. I would rather you had a doctor managing your brain chemistry and balance. Preferably a really good one. Because let's face it you're an amateur at this. But if we found somebody who knows what they are doing you could be really… you could do really well. Like before Salem first touched your mind. That's all. Maybe you could explain all of what you just told me to the doctors and they could help. What if there is a better way? That's all. I just want the best for you and maybe greens are it. I don't know. But doctors do. And yes your case is unique but so is every psychosis."
"I really don't want to go through some of those meds again. If only you knew how bad they could really make you feel. I wish I had words to express how absolutely horrendous they can be. Mother might be preferable to Vraylar."
"You can't mean that."
"I really can. And I do. It's so absolutely unbearable. I'd rather face my Mother's torture's sobber than deal with that. I'd rather be mind raped raw dog than get on those medications."
"Alright. I hear you. They're bad."
"I'll try them again and quit weed if you want. For you I'll do it. But you need to know what you're asking me to do. Go ahead. Ask me to stop."
"Okay. Well I'll think more about it. Deal? And I won't ask you to do anything yet. I just want you to be taken care of."
"Just so long as I'm heard."
"How are you dealing with your mother?"
"Probably about the same way you're dealing with your father. She's emotionally abusive and she attacks my mind while I sleep. And when I'm awake sometimes we chat."
"You talk to her?"
"She asks me to stop. We're sort of interwoven. The fear I feel is driving us all insane. My sisters feel it. They told me so. And that's pretty much where I live. I use my terror to keep her at bay. It's her own fault. She gave me this gun."
"I would prefer it if you weren't so positively terrified it was driving you out of your mind."
"I'd prefer if I'm not going to die and if Mother would stay out of my fucking head. How's your relationship with your parents going?"
"Don't change the subject. We're talking about your problems. Why are you so scared?"
"Well there's a lot to be afraid of. And my Mom is fucking with my mind. That's pretty stressful."
"So what are we going to do about it?" She asked.
"Do about it?" I wondered.
"You can't live like this."
"I can. And I love it," I countered.
"Okay. Let me rephrase. I'm not happy about it and I want you to change and stop it. I want you to be happy for real rather than this masochistic joy for yourself."
"I don't know. We could try murdering the sadistic bitch."
"Let's get serious."
"Oh suddenly I'm the only one who has thought of killing their parents in the room. You get serious."
"Quit making this about my father! I don't want to talk about him or think about him!"
"I'm in the same boat you are! You think I want to think about my Mother? No. But you're making me."
"You're mother is invading your mind. It's different from me and my father."
"I really don't like thinking about her or talking about her. What do you want me to say? She's such a fucking bitch. She's this alien, world ending bitch. And she's in my head but recently she's been avoiding me. She won't talk to me. She won't invade my dreams. Things are good. Don't rock the boat on me, Weiss. She has been the one building walls between us because I'm so unbelievably scared all the time that it's enough to make a person lose it. Things have been good. Let's not ask for much. We take what we can get and you know what? We take those little victories. We absolutely take those."
"I don't want that for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to build the wall. I don't want that mind numbing fear for you that you're describing. Why can't you be the one to build the wall and be happy on this side? Is that just impossible? Has it ever happened to you? When was the last time you were actually happy?"
"Last night with you and again this morning."
"Quit trying to butter me up!"
"Quit making me think about my fucking Mother! It's literally the worst."
"Just talk about it with me."
"Fine. What do we want to talk about specifically?"
"What was the last conversation you had with her?"
"It was a few months ago. I was trying to pin down whether the fear I felt was coming from her or me. I think it was coming from both of us. Mother was afraid. She wasn't sure that my power and my ability to resist her was going to stop growing. And a month later she told me to kill my father. Not really sure why. She's so manipulative it could have been anything. Now you go."
"Me?" Weiss wondered.
"Yeah you. You made me talk about my Mother now I'm making you talk about your parents."
"No," the noise was dragged from Weiss's throat.
"What are they like? Are they both bad? What horrible shit did they do to you?"
"My father was emotionally and physically abusive. He hit me. My mother was a drunk. She spent all day drinking. Day in and day out. It's a miracle I came out as well as I did."
"Samesies. Do you wanna kill your dad?"
"What kind of question is that?"
"A genuine one? I want to kill my parents. They are such and utter dicks."
"It's too early for this…"
"We really ought to be drinking for a conversation like this."
Weiss wrinkled her cute, sharp nose. "I don't drink."
"Oh come on. Not even with me? All alone just the two of us."
"Not happening."
"But I bet you get so cute though. Slurring your pristine words with your sexy tongue."
"My tongue is sexy?"
"Not on its own. Your eyes are sexy but if you just had an eyeball on the table it would just be gross. Context is important."
"I suppose that's true enough. Nothing alone like that would be attractive. You need the whole picture."
"Exactly. So you'll drink with me."
"I didn't agree to that."
"Think of it from my perspective."
"You want a drunk girl alone with you?" She accused me.
"First of all I have your consent sober. How dare you. Second of all that's not what I meant. Think about how adorable Ruby probably gets while she drinks. I bet she won't shut up about weapons and I could listen to her talk for hours. You get me? There's nothing more pure than loving someone even when they have no inhibitions and can't control themselves. I want to know how you behave when you can't hold yourself back. I bet it's cute. I bet it's sexy."
"Do you think I would find you sexy when you're drunk?"
"Around you? While drinking? I bet I couldn't keep my hands to myself. Have you ever seen a mirror, Weiss?"
"I'm familiar with my reflection."
"Then you already know what I'm talking about. I'd want to touch you. Gods, you make me hungry. You taste so good. Your aura is delicious. It drives me crazy. Stew on that."
"It sounds like you're the one stewing on it."
"A little bit."
Then I gathered my dog and left for my run. It was enjoyable and I got a burning runner's high across the inside of my skull. I enjoyed both highs I was on.
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-WG
