LuciTheFangirl: I really don't know what to say other than thank you for your kind words. I look forward to seeing you, and everyone else, in the Discord group!
I can't believe how many 'likes' I got for the previous chapter. I knew it wasn't that bad, but I didn't know how much you 'enjoyed' it. Guess I did a good job. That was really the happiest I ever was for writing something :)
Anyway, enjoy this chapter!
Chapter 172
1 month later
It had only been a month since Thexan was no longer alive. 1 month that the Rebels had settled in the Hoth Echo Base ... And 1 month of Laetitia being a very neat mess.
"Thexan Skywalker wasn't just a Rebel. He was a good man. He was an honorable person. The fact that he didn't start that way makes him more honorable, in my opinion ... Once he became the man he wanted to be, he became even better than the good guys. He took risks for us, when he didn't have to ... He stands as a reminder to all of us … that anyone can change. Of course, life will go on. But how, what twists and turns it will take … I can't say ... I don't know what the future holds … except to say expect the unexpected. Thexan may be gone but his fight goes on. That fight lives on … Thexan lives on in the people he saved and inspired. We will make sure what he fought and died for will be worth it. It has to be … because what the Galaxy went through in the past 16 years, what it's shown us … is that the only way we can end this fight is together. United and strong."
Mon Mothma accepted to give Thexan's eulogy in his 'funeral'. It didn't make sense because Thexan didn't even have a body left. He passed on his spirit through the Force immediately after Arcann left the Empire.
Or at least, that's what the spies in the Imperial Center stated. Ever since he killed his brother, Arcann was nowhere to be found. Which was a good thing, because as much as he was depressed over what he had done, Laetitia wanted to kill him more.
She was a mess. She only let herself cry and be sad about the fact that her husband died for only 2 hours. After that, she came out of the room and became a completely different person.
She wasn't a Sith Lord or using the dark side any more than usual. She wasn't angry, either ... She wasn't feeling much of anything. If an emotion was filling her body and soul, it was fear. She was afraid that if she even let herself feel an ounce of emotion, she would be consumed by her rage towards everyone.
So, she became as cold and disconnected as possible. She was barely in the Base as she was always out on dangerous missions, trying to stop her father and his father.
Luke was so worried about his sister. He had never seen her like that. So cold and emotionless. To Ahsoka, Han and Rex, it was a bit normal. They had seen what she was like before she saw him ... But for him ... It was really shocking.
Leah was the sweetest person he had ever know. She was basically his mother, because she was so caring. Now ... she was completely different.
And that worried Luke.
Ahsoka, Rex, Luke, Han and Chewie were in the Command Center of the Echo Base. It was a bit ... cold, to say the least. But it was and felt a lot safer than the previous Base. Thexan died because they didn't secure the Base enough.
They would not let the same thing happen again.
"Where is Leah?" Luke asked.
"I don't know. I think she went out to get some air." Han shrugged.
"You 'think'?"
"Well, she's not exactly 'open' about anything these days." He pointed out.
Luke looked down in concern as he stayed quiet. Ahsoka and Rex exchanged a look. They had seen that look a lot on Anakin and Laetitia. It was ... concerning. The desperate need to do anything when feeling helpless.
"You're worried about her." Ahsoka stated.
"You're not?"
"I am, actually ... A lot." She said as she sighed deeply.
She may not have shown it, but ... she was extremely worried about Leah. She could only imagine the things that were going on around in Leah's head. She didn't even want to think about it, or put herself in her situation.
"Maybe we should talk to her." Han suggested.
"Absolutely not." Rex interfered strongly.
"She's lost someone very important to her. He was our friend, but to her, he was the whole world. She's afraid to feel anything right now because she's respecting us. That is all what she can do at the moment to show her love for us." He said.
"So you're saying you're not worried about her?" Luke asked, forcing him to challenge what they were all thinking.
Rex stopped and took a moment. He couldn't say that he wasn't worried about Leah, because he was ... So much. But what could he do? He couldn't force her to feel something or talk to them. He was afraid then, she'd snap and do something she'd regret for the rest of her life.
"She's not killing people and she's talking to us. That's good enough for me." He honestly said, considering her family history.
"Guys, we may be overreacting. She seems fine. So maybe ... she is fine." Han stated confidently.
Everyone, including Rex, gave him a look. There was no way she would be 'fine' after she lost the love of her life on her wedding day. The scary thing was ... they didn't know if she would ever go back to the person she was.
Suddenly, Laetitia walked in to the Command Center. She saw her friends but she didn't go to them. She really wasn't in the mood to talk to them ... They wanted her to be the same person she was a month ago ...
That, she couldn't do. She, herself, didn't know if it was possible to be the person she was a month ago. Would that be possible ... without Thexan?
"What happened?!" Luke asked as he walked to his sister.
"What do you mean?" She asked in honest confusion.
Luke blinked in surprise and shock. He grabbed her right arm and held it up. It was bleeding. How the hell did she not know she had been hurt? Couldn't she feel the pain? He knew she was avoiding emotional pain, but what about physical pain? Was her brain not working to tell her that she was in pain?!
"Oh ... I didn't even see it." She quietly said as she sighed in frustration.
"You 'didn't even see it'? This is not something you need to 'see' to realize. I mean, couldn't you feel anything?"
"Luke, relax. It just grazed me."
"You call this a graze?"
"I'm fine." She almost snapped at him.
Luke rose his eyebrow as he kept staring at her. She was most certainly NOT 'fine'. Not that he blamed her, but it was really difficult to see her torture herself like that. Leah sighed as she looked away. She hated being pitied more than anything else.
"I have bacta patches in my room. I'll put some on it." She reassured him.
"Thank you." Was all he could say before Leah walked out and away from him.
Once Laetitia left, Ahsoka, Rex and Han walked to Luke, who was still standing where he was. He couldn't move from shock.
"Yeah. She is definitely not fine." Han corrected his ridiculous statement a few moments ago.
"What was that all about?" Rex asked.
"She got hurt when she was 'out to get some air'."
"What? Is she alright?" Ahsoka asked worriedly.
"Wouldn't know. She's not saying anything." He muttered bitterly.
There was a long silence. No one said anything. They didn't want to push her, but ... she was a wreck. She was trying not to be, but she was failing. The way she was torturing herself was more painful for the people around her.
And they all knew what she was doing when she was 'out to get some air'. It was obvious. Didn't need a genius to figure out who she was looking for. They didn't even need to think.
Arcann. Who else? The person she currently hated the most. The one who killed his brother and her husband. The one she would kill one day.
"She's looking for him." Han suddenly said.
"Can you blame her?" Luke stated bitterly.
"Well, no. But ..."
"Thexan wasn't just her husband. He was our friend, too ... My brother ... And he killed him. He deserves what she's thinking of doing to him." He said with hatred and anger towards Arcann.
Ahsoka and Rex exchanged a look. They had seen that tone a lot in Anakin ... The way they both spoke about getting revenge on someone ... The similarity ... It was scary. You could definitely see how he could be his father's sone.
But he couldn't be. No one in the Galaxy could afford another Sith Skywalker. One was more than enough.
"Luke, control yourself ... Remember, revenge is not the Jedi way." Ahsoka softly reminded him.
Before Luke could snap at her for reminding him of that nonsense, Han jumped in angrily.
"'The Jedi way'? Right now, at this moment? Are you kidding me?!"
Rex opened his mouth to defend her, but suddenly another figure appeared and spoke.
"Also, it doesn't end well or lead where you think it's gonna lead you." Qui-gon completed Ahsoka's sentence.
He had to admit, the Jedi way kind of sucked ... sometimes. They were right about not killing people for anger and revenge, but he was a Gray Jedi ... And they disagreed on almost everything.
Luke and Ahsoka looked at the Gray Master, but Rex and Han were confused. They weren't Force-sensitives, so they couldn't see him.
"Luke, what did we talk about?" He asked, even though not everyone could hear him.
Luke sighed angrily in disagreement. Qui-gon had asked him to give Leah some space. That was not pushing her to be okay, and letting her do whatever she wanted. Luke disagreed, but ... what could he do?
"This is crazy! She's in so shape to be going on this many missions. She could die out there." Luke stated.
"She is dying in here ... You saw her at the death of her husband. The pain and despair ... It was more than when she lost her father." Qui-gon quietly said.
"If we let her go, she's gone." Ahsoka pointed out.
"She's already gone. Her only chance is to work through the pain. And that is something she must do alone. You cannot help her." He advised them calmly.
This time, Luke was convinced. It didn't mean that he liked the idea. He wanted to help his sister, to make sure she wasn't alone ... But no one was letting him.
"I'm gonna go talk to her." Ahsoka said after a minute.
"You sure that's a good idea? I mean ... he's right. It's only been a month." Luke said unsurely.
"I don't care. If we leave her be, we might lose her forever ... And I can't have that."
Laetitia was in her room, sitting on her bed. She was so cold, and not just from the blood loss. She could swear that Hoth was a lot colder than Scipio. When she took off her shirt to place the bacta patch on her wound, she was freezing.
Ahsoka suddenly came in, without knocking. Leah could wish she could say that she was surprised, but she wasn't. She honestly didn't care anymore.
"We need to talk." She said, breaking the silence.
"What, about our boundaries?" Leah muttered sarcastically.
"I'm serious, Leah."
"So am I." She defended herself, with high-pitch sound.
Ahsoka sighed and gave her look. She would not let her 'Skywalker' her way out of this conversation.
"Look, Tiny Ti …" She tried to start, but she was harshly cut off.
Leah stood up angrily. She knew vey well what she was going to talk about. And she was not in the mood to hear any of that. She didn't want to hear it.
"No! Being Tiny Ti sucks right now!" She snapped.
"I can't afford to be her right now. General Skywalker, I can be ... Because she is fighting for people, saving the Galaxy from Palpatine. She is actually doing something ... I am choosing to be her. So please, respect my decision, and let me be." She strongly asked.
Ahsoka pressed her lips together. She knew she was distancing herself from being her friend, but she didn't know it was this much. But it didn't matter. She would not back down that easy.
"I know it hurts …"
"No, no! You don't know anything! You've never had to make a decision like this." Leah stated.
"Okay. Then tell me. Tell me what it feels like ..." Ahsoka begged.
"Please, just let me … Let me help. Let me help you get over him." She said, regretting how she put it the second she said it.
Leah just turned around sharply and gave her a death glare. Did she actually say that?
"'Get over him'?"
"That's … "
"He didn't dump me, Ahsoka. I left him. I had a choice … to save everyone on the Base or my husband ... And I didn't choose him. He left me behind and I was tortured by his sadistic brother. In return, I left him behind, and he ..." She trailed off.
She didn't even want to think about what Thexan went through after he was captured. Did he suffer? What was he thinking before he took his last breath? Why did he choose to die?
"What?" Ahsoka encouraged her to continue.
"Doesn't matter." Leah coldly said.
She quickly pulled herself together. She didn't want to feel anything. She just found her shirt and put it on. She was sort of fighting with the thing, but Ahsoka didn't say anything.
"You're not letting yourself feel anything. You're bottling everything up inside, and it's killing you. It's affecting your judgement." She stated, which earned another glare from Leah. That was not true.
"My judgement is as clear as it has always been. I may not want to feel anything right now, but I don't let it get in the way. Have I?" She questioned.
"I'm worried …"
"If it were Lux, what would you be doing? If the man you loved and were married to was just gone and lost to you forever, how would you be? ... You'd be broken." She quietly said.
Ahsoka didn't say anything and just looked down. That was true. She knew that. That was why she couldn't relate to what she was going through. She lost her husband ... And it was Leah, the person who felt emotions stronger than they were.
"I would be ... But that is better than what you are doing right now. It's okay to feel that way." She softly said.
"Well, I'm not. That is a normal thing to be ... I may not have Lekku like you, but I'm not a normal human, either. I'm a Jedi. Something that doesn't feel anything ... Windu would be proud right now." Leah ironically stated.
"I thought you were a Gray Jedi, and feelings were a necessity." Ahsoka pointed out.
"Not all feelings ... I'm not acting like dad when he thought he lost Obi-wan, or what he did if it was mom. I am torturing myself to not feel anger, the burning desire to hunt Arcann down and rip him apart until he doesn't even have a body left! ... I am fighting that, so please just let me be ..." She begged.
Ahsoka couldn't say anything to say otherwise. Honestly, Rex was right. She wasn't feeling anything because she was afraid that if she did, she would only feel anger and turn to the dark side.
She was fighting that. And that was the only thing she could do.
"Thexan said it himself. The decision I made ... He couldn't have made that sacrifice. He knew that if it came to everyone and him, I would choose everyone else in a heartbeat. He knew that I couldn't live with myself if I hadn't. I don't regret the decision I made. I just regret ... what it cost me." She cried out, letting a tear fall.
"But if I had the chance to do it all over again, I would do the exact same thing. I will always make the decision I made, because it was the right one. I will always choose to be a General and a Jedi first, because if I don't, other people will suffer instead of me. Now, I am the only one who's suffering ... That, I can live with." She assured her sadly and quietly.
"Once a Jedi, always a Jedi, right? ... I told you, when I multitask, people get hurt. I don't do well with feeling. I tried to ... but I don't. I shouldn't." Leah sadly said as she wiped the tear off her face.
Ahsoka sighed and nodded in understanding. She thought she was too angry and was just hiding it, but now ... She wasn't sure about anything.
"Ahsoka, I know I've been a bit cold, but ... I don't wanna do something that will make me lose everything I have left ... So until I no longer feel this way, until I know I am alright ... just let me ... I'll be okay one day again ... I promise."
Done :)
