Chapter 79.

Hearing Jack's frantic prayers and desperate denial about Dean had been painful for Cas. After that, another prayer, wordless and uncertain, but calling to him all the same. He had been struggling with his feelings about both when Sam had spoken in his mind.

He had felt Sam's shock at the news and he hated the fact that Jack had told him, no doubt to explain the situation. Had he found the courage to tell Sam immediately, he could have broken the news with more care, but he had been too much of a coward, bringing pain to Sam and Jack, making things worse, as he always did.

They were coming to get him, in the midst of their own pain, troubling over him. Once more, a Winchester was going to save him. He was supposed to walk to the road and make it easier for them to find him, but his mind and body were disconnected. His legs were automatically carrying him, step by step. in the direction of the bunker. He needed to turn back and head for the road, but even as he thought that, the intention slipped away. Something deep in his being impelled him on his way, without hope or faith or even need. His heart's habit, stronger than any other thought, to keep making his way home.

Home had not meant Heaven for some time. The bunker and farm were home and he could not go to Sarah and tell her that Dean was dead. Sam should be the one to do that. Sam would tell her gently and wrap her in a warm hug and they would share their grief and so find whatever healing could be had. All Cas could offer either of them was his own brokenness. They were both filled with love and strength he had never possessed.

He was still walking across the farmland, well aware that he was going in the wrong direction. In his head, his own voice was saying, "Turn back, dumbass." But part of him didn't want to try too hard to make that rendezvous and make them responsible for him in his present state. Part of him felt that the long, lonely walk home would at least give him time to master his chaotic emotions.

He knew that was idiotic. It was Old-Cas thinking and it was the reason why he had screwed up so much. He didn't know if his problem was angelic hubris or his years of guilt and shame, but the thought of going to meet the car, appearing in his weakness and cowardice to Sam and potentially Jack too seemed too much for all concerned. His feet kept taking the path of least resistance and his head kept cursing them for it.

The words of the Pact came into his mind. "We are allowed, indeed, encouraged, to say we are not okay at any time and for any reason. We promise to try to be honest about it and trust that our brothers will not mock us or resent us for it." He stopped walking, surprised at how much of an effort it was. To stop himself going on again, he sat on the ground, cross-legged. He closed his eyes and dropped all sense of self-control, reaching out like a lost child to the brother who had never abandoned him. "Sam," he said, mind to mind, "I need help."

"How can I help?" said Sam.

"I can't turn back. I just keep walking."

"Get to the road, any road. Just tell me where you are and I will be there as soon as I can."

"Is Jack with you?"

"Jack and Jules." said Sam.

"How are they?"

"Worried about you."

"You've lost more than I have."

"Dean is alive." said Sam.

"No." said Cas.

"The message on angel radio was intended to make us give up." said Sam.

"That's not how it works." said Cas.

"You don't want to believe." said Sam.

It was true. To believe, even for a moment, meant accepting the truth again later. False hope was the cruellest of tortures. The sooner he accepted Dean's death and dedicated himself to endure without him, the easier it would be. As it was starting out all but impossible, he didn't want any delays to make it harder. "No." he said, simply.

Separate to the link, there it was again, an unspoken prayer, reaching out to him, meeting a resistance that didn't feel like it was his and struggling anyway to break through. It felt so fragile and weak, but it gave him strength. He stood. "I'm going to the road." he said to Sam. He spent a moment in silent orientation and then headed for the nearest road. As he went, he tried to show Sam an image of the route he was taking.

"We'll be there soon." said Sam, "Don't give up. Don't stop. We need you here with us. We need you safe. Together, we can handle anything. You know that, right?"

"Yes." said Cas, sounding uncertain, even to himself.

"We'll talk in person and we'll prove to you that Dean is still alive."

"Sam, this is denial."

"No it isn't." said Sam.

"With respect, Sam, that is precisely what someone in denial would say."