Chapter 80.
Sam arrived at the meeting place before Cas did. He parked the car and called Bobby, putting his phone on speaker. "What you got?" he said.
"It's a mess. Fixable, with a heap of spare parts, but it won't be quick." said Bobby, "Looks to me like he was trying to kill himself. I suggest we keep him on lockdown for the foreseeable."
"The accident had no chance of killing him." said Sam.
"Maybe he wasn't thinking too clearly." said Bobby, "Sam, his phone was on the passenger seat. His angel blade was under it. He'd never usually leave either. He's not playing with a full deck. Heck, he's barely clinging onto the jokers."
Sam glanced at Jules, knowing that was the last thing she needed to hear.
"Not helpful, Bobby." said Sam, "Cas is okay. He's heading here now."
"How do you know? He doesn't have his phone." said Bobby.
"I know. He's shaken, but he's sane. He just needs a minute."
"He needs supervision." said Bobby, "I'm only thinking of him. He's a danger to himself. You haven't seen what he did to the car."
"Yeah, well, you focus on fixing the car. I'll fix Cas. We'll see you later."
"Tell him I can fix it. He doesn't need to worry about the car." said Bobby.
"Yeah, will do." He ended the call.
"Bobby's right." said Jack, "He's suicidal. We have to watch him. We can't let him go off alone."
"When he knows Dean is alive, he'll be okay" said Sam.
"He ditched his phone! Even at his worst times ... even when he's running away, he never cuts himself off from me." said Jack and Sam heard the hurt and the fear in his voice. Just as Cas could not handle the thought of life without Dean, Jack could not consider a life without Cas.
"He also left the angel blade." said Jules quietly.
"Exactly!" said Jack.
"No. It's a good thing." she said, "We don't know whether the crash was an unthinking attempt to destroy himself or just him being distracted by the news, but we do know that after the crash, he consciously and deliberately left behind the only thing that could destroy him. I call that a hopeful sign."
Sam hadn't considered that, but as soon as she said it, it made perfect sense. He had been thinking of the angel blade as something precious to Cas, something he would only surrender or abandon under extreme circumstances, but now he was thinking differently. It had been the only thing with him that would allow him to die and he had left it and walked away. Jules knew him well. Her interpretation felt correct.
"There he is!" said Jack.
Cas looked a forlorn figure, walking unsteadily along the side of the road, eyes downcast, shoulders slumped. Sam had hoped he might find himself questioning the possibility that the message could be true and finding it doubtful, but it was despair, not doubt on his face.
All three of them were out of the car in seconds. Sam reached Cas first and took his arm and Cas leant against him as if all his energy had left him. Jules was quickly on the other side and took his hand.
"I'm sorry." he said, "I did exactly what you all feared I would do."
"No." said Jules, "You left the angel blade behind. You chose to stay with us. I almost lost the only thing in this world that matters to me and thanks to you, I didn't. Nothing to apologise for. We're fine."
"Honestly?" he said.
"I'm so proud of you right now." she said, "But I'm sorry too. I couldn't pray. Jack asked me to and I couldn't."
He looked into her eyes and said, "You did."
"No. I couldn't even form the words."
"I heard you. Sometimes, a prayer doesn't have to be in words. It was unexpected, because I know you don't pray, but I felt it and it helped me. So did yours, Jack."
Jack was in front of him. "Why did you crash the car?"
"I didn't." said Cas.
"Yes, you did." said Jules.
"I don't remember any crash."
"You remember everything that happened to you for ten thousand years." said Jack accusingly, "You told me so."
"Not the crash." said Cas.
"Did you hit your head?" said Sam, looking for any injury.
"He's an angel." said Jack, "A blow to the head wouldn't do a thing."
"I am unharmed." said Cas.
"Then you remember." said Jack.
"If I remembered, I would say so." said Cas.
"We can talk about this later." said Jules.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Obviously." said Jack.
"Jack, call Sarah." said Sam, "Tell her we're bringing her a damaged angel. I think she's gonna be more help than Bobby."
"I'm fine." said Cas, "I wasn't hurt."
Sam nodded. "We know, Cas, you're fine, but you're also in a lot of pain, so just let us take care of you, okay?"
"It's unnecessary."
"Just get in the car, Cas." said Jules. They guided him to the car and he and Jules got into the back seat, where she instantly took his hand and he rested his head on her shoulder.
"I'm sorry." he said, to all of them or just her, it wasn't clear.
"Stop apologising." said Sam.
"Sorry." said Cas.
Jack got into the front seat, but kept looking back at Cas. "Dean isn't dead." he said.
"Jack, I know you want to believe that ... "
"It's the only conclusion that makes sense."
"Michael heard my attempt to contact Dean and decided to kill him. I'd say that makes perfect sense." said Cas. As usual, he had found a way to blame himself.
"No, it really doesn't." said Sam, "Jack's right. Why would Michael bother to tell us Dean was dead. He could have kept it a secret and lured us somewhere with hints that Dean was alive and escaping."
"Sam, you might want to close the link before you lie to me. I can feel your doubt."
"Look for mine." said Jack, "You can read my mind, if I let you."
"I don't want to."
"Because you think I'm lying or because you think you'll have to accept that there's still hope?"
"Because I know that you believe it because you need to believe it, because losing Dean would be the worst thing that could happen to you and you're scared that if you let the possibility take root in your mind, you will lose everything you are or could be and fall into an abyss of insanity and suffering." said Cas. Everyone but the angel himself knew he was talking about himself, not Jack.
"Take it easy." said Sam, "Just hold hands with Jules and think happy thoughts and we'll get you to Sarah."
"Does Sarah know Dean is dead?" said Cas.
"Dean is not dead." said Sam, hoping it was true.
