Sunlight streaked through my room from the window as a golden herald of the day, earning a groan and a cold shoulder from me as I rolled over and shoved my face into the pillow. Pointless, of course. I had no choice but to get up. I needed time, first to run to the ruin and warn the cultists, then be back at the gates in time for Astarill's arrival, all before dawn even rose…
A creeping sensation. Over Luke's snores, I heard familiar sounds. Clattering cartwheels, calling merchants, patrolling guards. The city was already awake.
Shit!
I swung out of bed and dressed in a frenzy. How late was I? The sun was well up – dawn had come and gone. I'd missed it by a little over half an hour, sleeping off my restless night. Shit, shit, shit. Why was it every important day of my life, I seemed to oversleep by a hair?
No time to warn them at the ruin – I ran, Luke at my side in a delighted jog, seeming to think my hurry some sort of game. I'd hoped, prayed I might get lucky, but no – there was no sign of Astarill at the gate. I cursed under my breath, panting to catch my breath and question the guard there.
"Did – did an Altmer man come through here?"
"He did. Suppose it was you he was waiting for?" She quirked a brow, looking me over with poorly concealed amusement. "If it's any consolation, the stiff fetcher didn't wait long. He headed off 'bout half an hour ago. You ever find that cat?"
"Thank yo – " I blinked, still trying to wrench my tired brain into waking. "What?"
"Last year you were here in a downpour, begging me to let you go look for some lost cat. Any luck?"
A vague memory crept up, another tax on my overwrought mind leaving me jawing for something to say. She eyed Luke skeptically as he panted. I glanced between them.
"He ate him." A beat. "Goodbye!"
Before she could protest – or ask any other uncomfortable questions – I raced through the open gate, out towards the woods. Half an hour – if I ran, truly ran, I had a slim chance of catching up. I worked through the brush as best I could, suddenly cursing the lush green growth I'd thought beautiful not so long ago.
In the heat of the sheltered canopy, a cold trickle crept down my spine. A pang of anger, of regret, of loss, remembering dancing on the surface of the river that burbled beside me.
You did what you could. I squeezed my eyes shut, pushing the image away. You tried.
Swatting at mosquitoes I fought on, making way over the fern-blanketed riverbank until at last I came to the entrance. Without the dirt and leaves to mask it, it gleamed like a beacon in the verdant growth. Dammit, no wonder it had been noticed – and the door had been left ajar.
Luke was faster than me, wriggling his way through the opening and into the dark of the hall beyond as I pulled my boots free of the mud and raced to catch up. There – smears marked the footprints of my colleague's tracks still drying on the stone. He'd gone in without me. I jogged as fast as I could without slipping, leaving a trail of my own while Luke careened ahead and turned a corner –
Nearly piling into the Altmer there, torch held aloft. Thank gods. I skidded to a stop, panting as he turned and stared.
"I'm so, so sorry! I overslept, I – "
"Hold, intruders!"
Oh, no.
It wasn't hard to recognize the silhouette approaching us – impossibly barrel-wide and square-headed, brandishing a broom at us defensively as his voice boomed through the hall.
"Step no further without stating your purpose here! I wish not to harm you, but none shall disturb the Sanctum beyond, not so long as I draw breath!"
We both fell silent. Even Luke, who had been excitedly sniffing at Astarill's feet, sat down with a confused whine. Dammit! How could I signal for him not to recognize me without my partner seeing? If word got out I was a gods-damned daedra worshipper, when just weeks ago cultists raised the gate outside the city…
Well, I doubted 'I'm not that kind of cultist' would make much of an excuse.
"We're here to investigate the ruin." It was the Altmer who spoke, flat and unimpressed.
"Investigate? Sir, I must protest – for all I know you represent some opposing Lord who seeks to – " At last, Harald's eyes landed on me. I made a face, bringing a finger to my mouth in a panic, begging him to understand –
"Ah!" His bright eyes lit up, moving from me back to my partner as the latter turned his gaze on me. "Are you with her?"
A beat. His eyes narrowed, any words inside me shriveling up dry and small as he replied. "… Yes."
"Well, that changes things!" A swell of both relief and dread as he 'sheathed' his broom. "Please, come in. Will you dance for us again?" I pleaded for silence, mouthing and sawing a finger over my throat, guiltily hiding both when Astarill glanced my way over his shoulder. "Why, you reminded me of my Lady wife at the ball – who, of course, I met when I rescued her from the dragon terrorizing Daggerfall…"
We followed as he rambled on, me scuttling closer to my partner to whisper. "I haven't the faintest idea what he's talking about."
"Hm." Whether he believed me or not, he didn't show it. Another flurry of curses rattling around in my head I slowed my step, speaking clearly and loudly as though to someone addled.
"We're from the Mages Guild." I enunciated each syllable, feeling a flicker of guilt at the look of confusion from Harald. He was mad, not stupid, but I kept up the act – what else could I do? "We're looking for something that might attract bees? You know – bzzz – " I mimed flickering wings, humming.
Both Harald and Astarill stared at me like I was the idiot. I felt my face go hot and went silent, grateful for Luke giving me an excuse to look elsewhere as he nudged my hand. They kept pace as I fell silent, Harald patiently answering as he led the way.
"Well, we'll have to consult Lady Niyaneh, of course, but so long as she consents I'm sure – "
"Consult me on what? Who do you have with you, Harald?"
From the entrance to the apiary Niyaneh stepped out, voice tempered with caution as she approached. A glance at me and bless her, she understood – I made a face again and shook my head just a touch and her gaze moved smoothly between us.
"Ah. Mages Guild?"
"Yes." If he was perturbed by Harald, or Niyaneh's crown of bees, he didn't show it. I interjected, stepping forward as Luke wound around me to sniff her feet.
"They sent us to find where the apiary's colony has migrated. They seem to be coming from here, so we thought to look and…"
"Ah, yes. That would be my fault." Niyaneh chuckled as Luke dove past her now – further down the hall, away from the apiary, but that was the least of my concerns right now. "I've been experimenting with different perfumes – horse mint, asters, foxgloves – they seem to have attracted quite the crowd…"
"We're also looking for any artifacts of historical value." Astarill cut in, just a touch too impatient for manners. Then again, perhaps he didn't think manners applied with madmen.
"Long gone, I'm afraid. There was nothing of value left even when we first arrived – "
"Oh! And we know there's no traps!" The words leapt out of my mouth well ahead of my mind as I turned to my partner, desperate to get him out. "So there's no need for you to waste your time, right? These – these people seem reasonable enough…"
"We're no ruffians," Harald added with a sagely nod.
"So, I can certainly stay with this woman and work something out about the bees, and you could head back and talk to Deetsan, right?"
His lips parted, eyes narrowed, but before he could respond – and before I could blabber more excuses – a shriek silenced us all. I jumped, staring down the hall from where it echoed, now punctuated by a wail and the familiar click of claws.
"BAD doggie! Bad, bad, give her back, bad, give her BACK!"
Luke barreled in, practically grinning around a mouthful of what was once a lovely little corn dollie, now covered in slobber. In hot pursuit came Nura, arms flailing, face red, every bit the temper tantrum of a six-year old in a grown man's body.
"Luke!" He veered to a halt at my scolding, and for an instant I forgot all about my dilemma. "Very bad! Drop it!"
It fell from his mouth in a puddle. Before I could reach to grab it, before I could say anything, Nura had her massive arms wrapped around me and was burying her face against me.
"DUU-UUST! Your doggie was mean!"
"Nura – " I patted her back as best I could reach, then froze. As she bawled into the crook of my neck, Astarill just stared.
He didn't need to say a word. These cultists, these madmen, knew me by name.
"I – " There was no prying Nura off, no soothing her sobs, and certainly no way I could explain this away but I had to try, didn't I? "I – I'm sorry, I didn't tell you, I couldn't, I've been here before but –"
"I don't care, you know."
I trailed into silence. Luke hung his head, Niyaneh glanced between us – even Nura stifled her cries, wiping at her snotty nose and staring at the Altmer, as I did. "You don't… care?"
He returned my stare for a long moment before straightening, features relaxing. "Daedra worship isn't illegal, in Cyrodiil. I've known there was something about you since I first laid eyes on that – thing." He shot a look to Luke, who let out a whine. "I'm here for the guild. That is where my involvement ends."
"I thought…" My hands slid from Nura as she pulled away, my voice thin. "… The Oblivion gates. I thought you'd…"
But he didn't. And now, I realized his words were an echo – 'I don't care, you know.' Just what I'd told him in the cave, when I saw him stealing the necromancer's tomes. And in his steady gaze, in the quirk of his brow, I saw no word of a lie.
"Why don't you two have a walk around the ruin, hm?" It was Niyaneh who intervened, smiling gently and taking Nura by the hand. "I'll put together one of my perfumes for you to give to the apiary – you can claim it's your own solution. And in the meantime, you can ensure there is nothing left of scholarly value."
He doesn't care. I could have laughed aloud. Finally, someone outside of it all – outside of the Brotherhood, the madfolk, outside of even the demands and constraints of the guild, a misfit like me. A suspected necromancer - he, of anyone, understood.
And I wanted that, so dearly. Just once.
We began our stroll, well knowing there was indeed nothing to be found, but that Niyaneh's suggestion would give us room, time to talk.
"… You won't tell anyone?"
We circled the pool, our reflections blurring together in the ripples and bobbing of the surface beside us. The other cultists left us, for now – we walked unimpeded through their world, as they worked and argued and played. At last, he spoke. "No."
"…Thank you."
"I have no one to tell."
I blinked at that, at the unexpected jaunt of humour, the creeping smirk that vanished the moment I laid eyes on it. "Deetsa – " No, of course he wouldn't tell her. His bitterness towards the guild almost matched mine towards the Brotherhood. And didn't he live alone in the city, with nothing but an inn room and a backpack?
I laughed before I knew I had, the words slipping out wistful. "It sounds nice." At his quizzical frown I felt my face go hot, shaking my head. "Not – I mean – I'm sorry."
He stared a moment longer before we continued to walk, his voice even, light. "It is nice."
"… You don't get… lonely?"
Another look of confusion, a beat. "… I strive to get lonely as often as possible."
I nearly cackled at that, grinning ear to ear more out of relief and exhaustion than mirth. He didn't care. He had no vested interest in what I did – he wasn't trying to persuade me, or frighten me, not for his own ends. "I – I have ties. A lot of ties, to people I care about very much. But I feel like they're strangling me, too."
The edges of his mouth curled in a momentary grimace – maybe he, too, was remembering past bonds. But he shook his head just a fraction. "Then leave."
"I… I often wish I could."
"Why not?"
It was my turn to go silent and staring at that, open-mouthed, searching for words that for a long few seconds wouldn't come. At last the truth left me, half-croaked. "… I – I don't want to hurt them. And I think they'd kill me."
It wasn't metaphorical. He could see that much in me, jaw shifting. "And you… care about these people?"
My laughter came out helpless, tears blinked back. "It's complicated. I…"
How could I possibly explain?
And yet, step by step as we circled the yawning halls of the ruin, I did. I censored what I could, of course – I never called the Brotherhood for what it was – but he wasn't stupid. He understood what I implied. And the rest – my family, Oblivion, Sheogorath's offer - the entire sordid tale slipped out, leaving me drained by the time I at last fell silent.
I caught a glimpse of my reflection beside me in the pool, refracted and fragmented. Was it better to be accepted in pieces, or not at all?
His face screwed up in thought, words slow and deliberate.
"So these people, this other - 'cult', will punish you, if you attempt to leave?"
"The Wrath of – " I snapped my mouth shut, hugging myself tight to ward off the cold shudder that came at the thought of it. Of her. "… A wraith."
A scoff. "Is that all?" At my bewildered stare he paused. "A wraith is – "
"At last. He's done it. He's done it!"
A shout echoed over the pool. No, not a shout – a proclamation. Chattering, little sounds of movement – the entire ruin, before docile, now burst abuzz like a hive. The source of the chaos stormed in, Blue-Scales-Shining racing in a frenzy to the lip of the pool on the opposite side as all around him, the cultists gathered.
"He's done what?"
"He has not – "
"I told him not to! Not to do what?"
"Blue?" Niyaneh approached him as we did, a hand moving to her lips. "You don't mean – oh!" Delighted laughter left her as the Argonian scooped her up, twirled her in the air with an air of manic glee I'd never seen so bright in his eyes.
"I do. There is a path – a portal, on the Nibenay Basin, a gate of His faces on an island. He's been speaking to people, beckoning them. The Madgod has opened the way, at last. A gate to the Shivering Isles."
The Shivering Isles.
"Come t'my realm, lass, and you'll have it. Freedom at last, room to be what you are."
"There is no time to waste." Blue spoke snappishly now, the joy he'd shown moments before replaced by a burning intensity, taut like a bowstring. "It could close at any moment. I must leave for Bravil, now." A scaled brow ridge rose as he eyed me, pinning me to the spot.
"I… I…"
"I told you before, morsel." His eyes flashed. "If you want to break those chains, you're going to have to get your hands dirty. To take risks."
I knew that. I knew that so fiercely it hurt, sucking in a breath like I'd taken a blow, squeezing my arms around myself. I'd known it since my breakthrough at the ruin, since I'd first realized that the risks of being myself were worthwhile. And though the thought of hurting them, leaving them clung like a hot fog, I knew it still held true. But… "The wraith…"
"As I was saying." I'd almost forgotten my partner was there, voice flat. "A wraith isn't much punishment, if you know how to deal with it." A flicker of realization, lighting up my mind. Of course. Of course he, a necromancer in hiding, would know.
"No excuses, crumb." Blue interjected, nares flaring, lip curled in impatience. "Now, or never. Take the plunge and find out who you are, or stay lost."
What are you trying to make? You must be your own light in the dark. The words of madmen and gods tangled, leaving my mouth dry, leaving me light-headed and fluttering.
"… I won't leave without telling them." To my surprise there was strength in my voice now, as I straightened and forced my shoulders back. "… I owe them that much."
A snarl twisted Blue's features, but at Niyaneh's hand on his shoulder he stepped back, throwing up his hands. "I will need time to get horses, travel supplies. But I leave tonight." His eyes flashed. "With, or without you."
He stalked away, followed by the cultists peppering him with questions and thoughts and mad little ditties.
He was right. I had no excuses left, nothing to hide behind. Astarill spoke as I turned with a guarded intensity. "… The only one who will fight for your freedom is you."
My breath shuddered out. It was clear on his face, in the life he lived that he knew that all too well. What trials had he suffered? Whom had he once loved and resented, as I did? But it was my story I needed to write now, and my trials I needed to face.
Endure the pestle and fire.
"How quickly can you teach me to turn undead?"
