This chapter is based on the lines those random Vikings say when Stoick gets back: "out with the old, in with the new!" "No one will miss that old nuisance!" "The village is throwing a party to celebrate!"
I've always interpreted that to mean that they threw a party for Hiccup because of how good he was doing in training... and that probably wouldn't feel too good for our favorite fishbone...
Entry 81
The party was not for my father. It was for… me.
And I'm pretty upset about it.
'But that's insane!' you say. 'How can you be upset over a celebration about you?' The answer to that question is: it wasn't about celebrating ME. It was about celebrating me not being a failure.
Turns out, they've been planning this for a few days. Ever since my success in Dragon Training became public knowledge, they thought it'd be fun to throw a feast once the search party got home.
My dad even gave a speech, finishing it off with "To Hiccup, for finally learning the ways of the Vikings!" And the whole time, I fought to keep a smile on my face. If anyone had been paying attention, they would have noticed the smile didn't reach my eyes; but of course nobody would care enough to look that closely.
I can't believe THIS is what it's come to. Finally recognizing my existence, simply because I'm good at fighting dragons. And I'm not even FIGHTING them. I've done absolutely nothing of the sort. I've been earning their TRUST. But do they see that? No, why would they? All they see is what they want to see, especially my father. He's been looking at me in a way he hasn't in five years: like I'm suddenly worth his attention again. I hate it… and… I don't want to.
I want to be able to appreciate all this positive attention. I want to accept my father's approval. I want to believe I'm finally part of the tribe. But I can't. Because it's all a lie.
Everything I've done, it's all built on a lie. And if they knew the truth… no one would be singing a song of praise. They'd cast me out, see me as worthless, or even worse, a traitor. I'd be right back to where I was before I met Toothless. Toothless… he'd be killed. Taken as a trophy, a show of Viking power.
And I'd be nothing. No friends. No family. No happiness.
All this party has done is reaffirm the misguided beliefs that build my culture. You can't be anything if you're weak; and you can't be weak if you're killing dragons.
I just want to leave it all behind, you know? Live the life I want, without all this pressure to become someone I'm not. Someone I can never be.
But I'm trapped. Now that my father knows how I've done in Training, there's no escaping it. I just hope I can stay afloat a little longer, just enough to get through without winning but maintaining a good image. Yet part of me knows I've already won.
It's just me and Astrid left. One round remains. And I can't let her get that kill.
Until next time…
-H
