Chapter 81.

Sarah was waiting for them at the roadside. Jack had told her what had happened over the phone and Sam could see she was concerned. He got out of the car and opened the door for Cas. "Come on." he said.

"We shouldn't be bothering Sarah with this." said Cas.

Sarah came to the car door. "Do you want to see the bees, instead of me?"

"No. I shouldn't be around the bees."

"Well, we know that's a bad sign, because the only times the bees don't love you is when you're all wrapped up in hating yourself." she said, "I can get in the car with you, if you want to make an old lady sit in a car when she could be in a comfortable chair."

He got out of the car. "You're manipulating me." he said,

"Yes, but only because I love you." she replied. She hugged him gently. "You look terrible."

"I was not harmed in the accident." he said, "These three are overreacting. They'd rather fuss over me than come to terms with what happened to Dean."

"Well, that's my area, isn't it? So let's get them inside and talk about all of it."

"I don't want to talk about it." said Cas.

"Maybe they need you to." she said.

"We do." said Sam.

Jules was out of the car now and she took Castiel's arm and led him into the house.

"I want to go home." he said in the parlour.

"This is home." said Jules.

Sarah stood in front of him, looking up into his eyes. After a moment, she said, "This seems like an overload situation."

"Yes." he said.

"We've dealt with those before. We need to go quiet, don't we?"

"Dean is dead." said Cas.

She took both his hands. "You're tired. You're exhausted. Everyone in this room loves you. We're your family Your head is full of racing thoughts. We don't need all those thoughts right now. Let's start by focusing on one thought. You are loved."

"I know, but ... "

"That seems like a different thought. Just one for now. You are loved."

"Yes." he said.

"Now, we need to reduce the sensory overload. I want you to lie down on the couch and close your eyes."

"No, There's no need. I am undamaged."

"Castiel. do you really have the strength and focus to argue with me now?"

"Maybe." he said.

Jules spoke to him, quietly but firmly. "Cas, there are four people in this room who have been going through Hell recently and who have only one way to feel better - taking care of you. Jack and Sam and Sarah and I need this, so whether you need it or not, just go along with it for us." She sat at one end of the couch. "Come and rest your head in my lap."

He lay down on the couch and as his head touched her lap, she began to stroke his hair.

"Stop." he said, but it seemed an automatic response. A moment later, he said, "No, continue. It feels good." Shebegan stroking his head again.

"Close your eyes." said Sarah. He did.

"I love you." said Jules.

"I love you too." he said, "I love all of you. I'm so sorry."

"You have nothing to apologise for." said Sam.

"I'm the reason he's dead. And I said I would be fine and then I ... and the car was wrecked."

"You do remember that." said Jack.

"No." said Cas, opening his eyes and trying to sit up. Jules stopped him and he surrendered and went back to his previous position. "I don't remember." he said.

"I don't believe you." said Jack.

"Jack." said Sam, knowing that every word of doubt was a whiplash to Cas.

"Do you believe him?" said Jack.

Sam didn't answer.

Sarah spoke very calmly. "I understand that you don't want to talk about any of it, but there are things we need to know."

"Like why you left your phone behind." said Jack.

"He left the angel blade behind too." said Jules.

"Which proves he was contemplating suicide." said Jack.

"Cas contemplates suicide a thousand times a day." said Jules, "This time, he consciously and deliberately put it beyond his reach."

"Are you fighting?" said Cas, opening his eyes.

Jules stroked his cheek. "No, my love. Close your eyes."

"He says he doesn't remember the crash." said Jack, "But he can't forget anything."

Sarah looked at Jack with kindness in her eyes. She understood his pain. "Jack, dear, we can't interrogate him. He's been through enough." She turned to Cas. "Castiel, I have faith in your word. Do you remember the accident?"

"No. I just found myself standing next to the car. For all I know, it was forced off the road. I know the damage was extensive. Something bad happened."

"Yeah, don't worry about that." said Sam, "Bobby says it'll take a while, but he can fix it."

"Is he angry with me?" said Cas.

"Nobody's angry." said Sam.

Jack sat on the floor in front of the couch. "No-one." he said, putting his hand on Cas's arm. "We're just scared."

"What do you remember before the crash?" said Sarah.

Cas was silent for a long time, then he said, "I'd been on a supply run. I got beer and food and I got pie, in case ... " His voice died away.

"Do you remember driving the car?" said Sarah, letting him avoid the painful thought for now.

"Yes." said Cas, "I was driving calmly, listening to music."

"And then you heard something from the angels?"

"Yes. They said, 'Dean Winchester ... ' They said ... Nobody will believe it and I understand that. I do. If I could unbelieve it, I would. He's dead. Michael killed him. I'd tried to contact him and Michael killed him to prevent it."

He tried to sit up again, but Jules put her hand on his chest and although he had his angelic strength and could easily push past her, that light pressure stopped him. She took his hand, holding it in a strong grip. It seemed to calm him. With her other hand, she continued to stroke his hair.

"He's not dead!" said Jack, "What reason does Michael have to give us that information? It only makes sense if Dean is alive."

"Archangels are creatures of truth." said Cas.

"Michael lied to Dean." said Sam.

Jules looked at Sam. Like him, she obviously knew Cas would never listen unless someone made him. She bowed her head over him and said, "Castiel, my love, you know how hard this is for me. I am begging you to stop fighting this and listen. Just hear what Jack has to say. Amen."

The hand held in hers suddenly gripped more tightly. Her hand stopped stroking his hair. It was visibly shaking. Sam could see the shadows of apocalypse in her eyes. He knew that years of buried trauma had just been given a good stirring. He went over to her, sat in the chair beside the couch and put his hand on her shoulder. It was all he could do.

"I will." said Cas, his voice barely above a whisper.

Jack took a moment to compose himself and then said, "Angels lie, Cas. We both know that. Archangels are the biggest liars. Lucifer is a frickin' archangel."

"I heard the message." said Cas, "There was no doubt."

"Because you were hard-wired to trust angel radio." said Sam.

"The message was aimed at you." said Jack.

"But you heard it too." said Cas, "Didn't you believe it?"

"No." said Jack.

"Jack has human instincts that you don't." said Jules.

"Jack is a child." said Cas, "A child who loves Dean and cannot bear the thought of losing him."

"You're right." said Jack, "Losing Dean is a terrifying thought and I can't handle it ... not on any level. But I've made myself consider the possibility and if that message had felt like anything but a cruel lie, I would have believed it. I knew it wasn't true. I know it now."

"You don't know."

"And you know what would be worse than losing Dean? Losing you. And today, I thought that might happen. And yes, I've been angry and unfair and I yelled at you when I shouldn't, but it's because you scared me. I've lost you before and I can't lose you again."

Cas opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Jack. "You won't lose me, Jack. I will never abandon you. Never."

Jack nodded. "Thanks. You have no idea how much I needed you to say that."

"But Dean is dead." said Cas.

"If he is, we'll bring him back." said Jules, "Him and Meg and Gabriel and everyone else you care about. But I'm with Jack on this. I don't think he is dead."

"Michael knows we have you." said Sam, "The only way he can neutralise the threat of an angel working against him is to kill your hope."

"Actually, he could obliterate me without a second thought. He had no need for a clever ploy. I doubt Michael sees me as any kind of threat. My closest friends think I am a useless wreck." he added bitterly.

"Nobody here thinks that." said Sam.

"Even I think that." said Cas.