Chapter 83 – Alone at Last!

Phoenix P.O.V

As the door to our quarters slid open and we walked in, I felt a sense of overwhelming joy and sheer happiness consume me. I felt so alive. So free. So intoxicatingly ecstatic as the thought flashed through my processor and spark. /Finally! Finally, we are together. Alive. Safe. Alone/. I could not stop the giggle form bursting fourth from my dermas as I stepped into the room.

Prime keyed the door shut behind us, ''Care to share what that was for?'' I felt a pair of strong arms wrap around me as Prime stepped up behind me and pulled me in for a hug. My giggle turned to a deep sigh as I reached up to grab his arms and return the gesture.

''Oh that. That Prime, was the sound of one very contented, happy and overjoyed femme who has finally got what she has been waiting for – seemingly her whole life.''

I felt Prime turn me about in his arms so I could face him, he grasped my cheeks in his servos, brushing them gently, ''and what, pray tell, Phoenix Prime, might that be?'' /OH, how I loved the sound of my name when spoken in that deep rumbling voice of his/.

I placed my servos on his and looked up into his handsome face and azure optics, which shone brightly down into mine. ''YOU! I finally got YOU Prime. Every wish I have ever made upon a star has led me to youmy spark's truest desire.'' I heard a faint gasp before I was pulled towards him in a crushing embrace and his dermas captured mine hungrily with such desperation and passion, it almost overwhelmed me.

With nothing and no one around to disturb us or stop us, I returned his kiss with equal fervour and need. As the kiss deepened, I felt myself bodily lifted from the ground as Optimus sought to hold me as close as possible to him. I closed my optics as my spark sped up and pulsed erratically, to the point I felt like it was trying to burst out of me and leave me entirely.

Optimus must have felt something similar as we both pulled away at the same time. I slid to the ground and we both cycled our vents furiously as we fought to regain control of our emotions and systems. ''Woah, that was intense!'' I managed to gasp out. Prime only nodded, seemingly unable to talk at present.

After a moment, Prime pulled me back towards him and held me close to his chest. ''Phoenix…'' his voice was unsteady as he spoke, as if he was still struggling to gain control of himself. He rested his helm upon the top of mine as he held me close to him. I could faintly hear his spark thrumming inside of him at a much slower pace. ''That, that is the most beautiful thing anyone has said to me. I am truly humbled,'' and he kissed my helm gently.

I raised my optics to look at him, ''Not even?'' I began to ask softly but could not bring myself to say her name. Ghosts did not belong here in this moment between us.

He shook his helm at me in silent answer to my unfinished question before he placed another kiss on my helm and pulled me closer, as if trying to ensure we could not be separated again by any means.

I sighed deeply into his broad chest. A sigh of contentment - and relief. His deep voice rumbled against me, though it seemed somewhat distant, ''We did not share our emotions as, willingly, as you seem to be able to do and seem to be able to elicit from me.'' He gave a derisive snort that was tinged with bitterness, ''We never really had much chance to do so anyway as we were so caught up in the war. In fact, I believe that we..'' All of a sudden, he stopped. ''Anyway, this is not the time to discuss the past.'' He looked down at me and smiled, ''Not when I have such a beautiful future standing in my arms.''

I stood on the tips of my pedes and reached up to wrap my arms about his neck and kissed him tenderly. After a moment I pulled away and once again burrowed into his chest, ''Wow, that was beautiful Optimus.''

He gave a little laugh, ''Well I am glad you think so, it was meant to be a compliment and it is indeed true. Though for a moment I thought you were going to tell me it was, what do the humans say, 'corny'?''

I fired back immediately, ''Oh it was, beautiful and corny in equal measure,'' I laughed at him.

''Duly noted my Phoenix Prime,'' and he wrapped me in his arms again. How good it felt to be here, in this moment, in these arms. /Good things do indeed come to those who wait/ and while a brief stab of pain shot through me as I recalled Chase saying those words, the feeling did not last. I knew deep in my spark, Chase would want me to be happy, he would want me to love again. I would always carry him in my spark, he would always be a part of me, but I would move forward. I had moved forward.

A smile slowly spread across my face as I recalled a certain night with Chase in our kitchen in which he had thought Optimus and I had feelings for each other. I shook my helm in wonder as I thought to myself, /perhaps Chase was right and I just didn't want to acknowledge it, wasn't ready to accept the fact I had indeed fallen in love with Prime/. I stepped out of Optimus' embrace for a moment and with a mischievous smile asked him, ''Would you like to hear a funny/amusing story that may interest you?''

He raised an optic ridge at me in slight suspicion and curiosity, ''I feel as though I should say yes though I admit I am hesitant Phoenix. Besides, I was enjoying the feeling of you in my arms just now.'' Despite his words he started to move towards a massive, raised platform on the opposite side of the room which I assumed was our sleeping berth. Obviously during our repairs Prime had thoughtfully requested his quarters be made suitable for a ''plus one.''

I shook my helm, /Is there nothing that escapes his attention? If I am to be a Prime, I have much to live up to and learn!/. I gave a quick glance around the room, noticing it for the first time. There really wasn't much in the way of furniture or decoration. Transformers did not have all the same needs and quirks humans did.

In terms of furnishings, they were quite minimalist in their approach. There was a sleeping berth, an energon dispenser, /possibly a perk of being the Prime/, a desk, some shelves filled with data pads and a large screen on a wall which I assumed was a monitor for meetings or maybe even served as a tv. However, I doubted Prime was the type to sit and watch the soaps. I followed him to the berth and lay down beside him, snuggling into him. He continued to speak as he pulled me near, ''You do realise it has been millions of years since I have been able to hold a beautiful femme in my arms,'' he began to chastise me good humouredly.

''Nonsense!'' I retorted, ''I was in your arms about 48 hours ago on that bridge in Chicago. You exaggerate to try and earn sympathy points Optimus, I'm onto you!'' I laughed at him.

He held up his free servo in surrender, ''Guilty as charged. Still, you can't blame a mech for trying.'' He smiled down at me and gave me a quick kiss. ''Now, what is this story you have to tell me?'' and he pulled me against him, laying his helm on top of mine.

For a moment I did not reply, just savoured this contact and this feeling between us. /Any moment now I am going to wake up alone in my old room or back as OC and this will all have been some crazy dream/.

''Phoenix?'' His inquiring voice stirred me out of my thoughts.

''Ah right, yeah. Anyway, the story I want to tell you takes place quite a few years ago, when Chase and I were together,'' my voice dropped slightly, and I felt Prime tense a bit at the mention of Chase's name as he held me. ''It's okay Prime,'' I reassured him, ''I can talk about this now. I kind of feel I need to. I don't want there to be any secrets between us.'' I looked up at his face, ''That is one thing I insist on between us if we are to embark on this journey together and commit ourselves to each other. I don't do lies and secrets.'' My optics fixed firmly onto his.

Prime nodded, ''Of course my Phoenix, I would expect nothing less from you than honesty and integrity and you shall have nothing less from me.'' As I nodded, he continued, ''You may not always like what I have to say or agree with what I have to say,'' Prime's voice lowered slightly as he recalled recent events, ''as you have already discovered and I am sure I will not always like or agree with what you have to say to me, but we must both encourage and demand that from each other. All relationships are built on trust.''

I nodded; I had said that same thing to Chase all those years ago. ''Agreed.'' /Hopefully, the rest of our ''chats'' about ''us'' go as smoothly/ I thought to myself.

''Now, what is this story you wish to tell me involving you,'' a slight pause, ''and Chase?'' Optimus asked.

''Well, one night I was doing the dishes in our unit and Chase had come in to help. Nothing unusual there, he often helped me do all that boring stuff that's how I could tell.'' I suddenly stopped myself.

Prime gave me a gentle squeeze, ''You don't have to tell me this if you aren't ready Phoenix.''

''No, I want to it's just that.'' I sighed out loud, ''For me Prime, the way I tell someone really cares about me is the way they do the little stuff in the relationship. Like dry the dishes without being asked, remove scary creatures like frogs, get dinner ready and have a cold Pepsi Max in the fridge.''

Prime interrupted, ''Well I am sorry to report My Phoenix but doing any dishes would be a bit difficult for me. There may be more breakages than it is worth. Same with said scary creatures, especially such tiny ones, I would sadly squash them. Besides,'' Prime's tone held a hint of incredulity, ''how can you fear a frog? They are harmless and somewhat cute.''

I looked up at him and shuffled back from his embrace, fixing him with a shocked and horrified expression, ''Well, that is good to know before we embark on this relationship any further Prime! Cute is a word reserved for baby lambs, foals or puppies. NOT bloody frogs! If you see frogs as cute, I am sorry, but we really should call it a day now before we go any further.'' I began to wriggle away from him before a strong arm snaked out and wrapped itself around me, dragging me back against his broad chest. His actions elicited a playful giggle and a scream from me all at once.

''Get back here you!'' He said gruffly as he kissed my helm. ''Alright my Phoenix, though we may agree to disagree on their appearance, I will ALWAYS promise to protect you from – vicious frogs - whenever there is call for it. Happy?'' He looked down at me with a grin on his dermas.

I nodded, ''Fair enough, guess the relationship is back on.''

''As for having dinner ready, I can whip up a mean cube of energon when the need arises. I am sorry about your Pepsi Max though. Guess it is one negative about being a Transformer.'' Prime sounded genuinely remorseful for me; it was quite endearing.

''You know Prime, I have never really thought about the pros and cons of my transformation.'' I truly hadn't. Now that he mentioned it, several things sprung to mind, but they would be a topic for another time. ''That's something we can discuss later, right now I have a story to finish.''

Prime nodded, ''Right, my bad, continue.''

I gave him a smile. I loved it when he used Earthen terms like that in context. ''As I was saying before, for me when someone does all of those little things, they all add up to being a big thing. Anyway, Chase was in there helping me and then suddenly, out of the blue, he says to me, ''Prime really cares about you, doesn't he?'' which confused me because you care about everyone.''

''Some more than others, such as present company,'' his optics shone brightly for a moment as he looked down at me, ''but yes, I do care about my team very much.''

I nodded, ''Which is what I told him, that you care about everyone in your team and under your protection, and as I was part of that team, it included me. Besides, it was part of the job description.''

''And he believed you?'' Prime asked.

I shook my helm. ''No, he didn't. He told me there was more to it than that between us, that the way you looked at me, interacted with me, and I with you, that there was a genuine affection and concern between us both.'' My voice had trailed off slightly as I processed my own words and their current significance.

Prime's voice sounded almost apologetic, ''There was, perhaps more from me than was necessary. What did you say to that?''

I looked at him, ''I explained to him that of course there was, that you were a very dear friend of mine, had been for a few years even before I was lucky enough to find him. I asked him where he was going with his line of questioning and then I put two and two together and worked out he was jealous.'' I stared intently at Prime as I spoke my next words, trying to gauge his reaction. ''I asked him if he thought I was in love with you or you with me and if there was anything going on between us.''

Prime did not speak but he had tensed up slightly and his optics could not hold my gaze, looking away for a moment. I made a note to come back to that in a moment. ''What did he say to that?'' Prime asked softly.

''At first he denied it but then he came out and asked if there was anything going on between us,'' I supplied matter of factly.

Prime lay still, his optics once again came to rest on my face, and in a quiet voice he asked, ''and what did you tell him?''

''Don't take this the wrong way Prime, remember at that stage I was with Chase and I was in love with him and you were, well YOU! The leader of the Autobots. A female human was not really of interest for you.'' Again, his optics darted away, unable to look at me. ''To be honest, I actually laughed out loud and told him I didn't know what brought the conversation on, but he could be rest assured there was NOTHING going on between us, we were just very dear friends.''

Prime's optics darted about the room nervously for a moment before they came to rest on mine again, though a strange emotion flashed in them. ''I told him that apart from him, YOU were the being I trusted most and turned to for advice and comfort, though since I was with him, he had taken over that roll.'' A fleeting sadness seemed to radiate off Prime, as though he was recalling that point in time, though once again he quickly shook it off and refocused.

I gave a little laugh at the irony of our current situation before I spoke again, ''It is kind of funny NOW, but by that point Chase still didn't seem convinced so I told him, ''For Christ's sake he isn't even the same species as me, he is made of metal and is as tall as a building, don't you think that poses just a FEW problems even IF there was some sort of feeling there?'' Prime flinched physically at my words and closed his optics. I eyed him carefully before concluding my story, ''After those comments, Chase seemed to think the idea of you and I having feelings for each other beyond friendship somewhat silly and he apologised for his jealousy and told me he loved me, that he didn't want to lose me. I guess he was worried you would steal me away from him.'' I gave a half-hearted laugh at my own words which, considering the situation now, seemed eerily accurate.

Prime extricated himself from me and sat up on the edge of the sleeping platform, his helm lowered slightly. /Perhaps not such a funny story after all?/ I chided myself. ''Prime? Are you okay? What's wrong?'' I reached out to him and came to kneel behind him.

He cycled air through his intakes and sat in silence for a few more moments, as if considering how to express what he wanted to say. He did not look at me, but he did raise his helm and look at the wall on the opposite side of the room and spoke in a whispered voice. ''We said no secrets between us. We said that we may not always like what we have to say to each other in honesty. In truth Phoenix,'' he turned to face me, ''your words just now, I found painful to hear,'' he grabbed my servo, ''not because of what you said, but because of my own feelings at the time. My deception towards you and Chase and – to myself.'' His voice held a deep sense of self-reproach and regret.

I moved to sit beside him and turned to face him, placing my servo on his knee, ''What do you mean Optimus? You mean to tell me you had feelings towards me way back then?'' It seemed impossible to believe that Prime had harboured feelings for me even then.

Prime's helm once again slumped, in either shame or fear of reproach. He said nothing for what seemed an eternity before the smallest whisper passed his dermas, ''yes, I did.'' He slowly looked up and his regretful optics found mine. ''Thinking back now, I think I have always had feelings towards you Phoenix, even when you were OC,'' he gave a dismissive snort, ''just a human female who should not have been of any interest to me, the leader of the Autobots, a being made of metal and not even of the same species!'' His optics searched mine.

I placed an encouraging servo on his knee. ''But you were of interest. Have always been. I just did not want to acknowledge why. I was confused and scared by what it meant. Scared of how much I cared, especially when I knew I should not.'' He turned away from me and lowered his helm, his shoulders slumped, and his voice held such sadness and sorrow. ''Hearing your words just now made me feel guilty and ashamed of my feelings back then. Especially how Chase thought I would steal you away from him.'' His voice was cracked slightly and was the faintest of whispers, ''I guess he was right.''

I quickly scooted off the berth and moved to kneel in front of him, leaning forward and placing my servos on either side of his helm, gently encouraging him to raise his helm. He did so reluctantly, though his optics were unable to look at mine. I rested my helm against his. ''Oh Prime! It's okay. Thank you for telling me the truth, but you have nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for. Feelings are nothing to be ashamed of and are difficult to control and contain. But you did! Acting on your feelings is where it can get tricky.'' I pulled back from him and placed a servo under his chin like he often did to me to get my attention. ''Did you actively try and break us up in any way while we were together?'' I raised a questioning optic ridge at him.

His helm snapped back in horror, ''NO! Never. I wanted you to be happy Phoenix, even if that meant I was not. I would never have deliberately tried to come between you and Chase.'' He looked away again for moment, ''being totally honest, that is why I did not go to that party that night. It tore at my spark to see you with him and it would have just reminded me of what I could not have. Of what I had lost – to him.''

I felt as though another piece of the jigsaw puzzle that was ''us'' suddenly clicked into place /So THAT is the real reason he did not show up that night!/. I shook my helm in wonder as I took in all he was telling me. /How blind you have truly been Phoenix. How did you not see?/. Even though Prime felt wracked with guilt and shame, I could not feel anything but joy and happiness. He had cared for me, had feelings for me even when I did not think it possible, dared not hope he did.

Prime once again found the courage to look at me, ''Seeing how happy you were with Chase, though it hurt, made me happy for you. That is all I want for you. Your happiness.'' He paused for a moment and added quickly, ''and your safety. That is of great importance to me too.''

I smiled brightly at Optimus and leant forward to place a gentle kiss on his dermas and then his helm. ''Oh Prime! PLEASE let go of these feelings of shame and guilt. You do not need to feel them. You did not steal me away from Chase, despite what our current situation may look like – death did!'' Prime flinched at the harsh truth of my words but I continued, determined to make him see sense, and perhaps tell a little truth myself. ''If Chase had not died that terrible day, who knows what may have happened. I would have likely married him and been happy BUT,'' once again I fixed my optics firmly on his and placed a servo under his chin to ensure I had his full attention. ''I didn't. Fate, had other plans for him and for us.'' I felt myself gather the courage I needed to say the words out loud. ''And I for one am glad of it.'' /As harsh as those words were, it was true/.

Prime once again flinched in shock, giving a gasp of surprise. His azure optics rapidly searching mine for an explanation of such a seemingly callous statement. ''But, but you loved him,'' he stuttered.

I nodded, ''Yes. I did. Very much. I guess a part of me always will – as you well know that feeling.'' I gave him a small, sad smile and he gave a weak smile back at the intended meaning of my words. ''But Prime, my feelings towards YOU, for you, far outweigh anything I ever felt towards Chase.'' I smiled warmly at him and stroked his cheek; though his dermas were parted in stupor as he struggled to process my words, he leant into my touch. ''Thinking back now, I have always had feelings towards you, even when I was just a human female who had no business crushing on the amazing, imposing and wonderful Autobot leader – even if he was a different species.'' I laughed. ''I think I just told myself all those things about you being made of metal, tall as a building and so on because I did not want to face my feelings towards you! I didn't know how and the depth of them scared me!'' I shook my helm and gave another laugh.

Prime turned to look at me, his optics shining with wonder. ''You know something Prime? Being totally honest with you and myself, I think the real reason I went back to you that night on the beach when you didn't show up at the party was because I had feelings for YOU, deep feelings that I could not explain. I just knew I had to see you. I had missed you and I was hurt you did not show up.''

He bent his helm and touched it against mine, ''Oh Phoenix, I…'' he could not find the words.

I sat there for a moment, relishing the contact and honesty between us. After a moment I pulled back, ''It's okay Prime, truly.'' I smiled at him as a thought struck me. ''You know that gesture I made to you that night?'' Prime nodded silently and tapped his chest twice before laying his servo over his spark. I laughed, ''Yeah that one! Well, thinking back now, I think the reason I made that gesture, told you that you deserved to be held in someone's spark and not on a pedestal, is because that is how I honestly felt about you!'' I shook my helm in wonder at my own flash of insight, ''It was my funny roundabout way of telling you I had feelings for you.''

Prime shook his helm in awe as he appeared to make some connection, ''And that is the night, or morning rather, I knew you lit a flame in my spark my Phoenix that only burned brighter and stronger with each passing day, despite every effort to ignore it.'' Prime raised his servo to brush my cheek briefly as he smiled warmly at me. ''So… YOU had feelings for me back then too? Even though you were with Chase and loved him, deep down you had feelings for me too, you just didn't want to acknowledge them?''

I thought about his words for a moment, ''Well, yes, I guess that is what I am saying. See Prime. You don't have anything to be guilty or ashamed of. If anyone does it is ME,'' he started to shake his helm to refute my words, but I raised a servo to halt him and continued, ''However, I do not. I cannot feel guilty or ashamed of what we have and what we felt and after my discussion with Primus, now more than ever Prime, I know we were meant to be! Two halves of a spark destined to become one.'' He smiled at me and nodded his agreeance. ''The only feelings I have now that I am with you, are joy, happiness, gratitude and pure elation.''

Leaning forward I showed him the truth of my words as I once again kissed him deeply and passionately, trying to convey all I felt for him.