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"And just what do you think you're doing?" I glanced up at a faintly Weiss colored blur. I slammed a shot back before she could tell me not to. I opened up the pill bottles before me and took one of both.
"I'm getting shitfaced."
"On your other medications? Are you out of your mind? You will kill yourself."
"Don't you think maybe I should die? Just a little?"
"No. What's in these bottles. What did you just take?"
"Let's relax," I leveraged.
"You're the one who needs to relax."
"I'm… you know what? I'm trying."
"What's in the fucking bottles, Cloud?"
"This one is ketamine. This one is vicodin. Or maybe this one is vicodin and this one is ketamine. I can't read the labels very well right now."
"What's ketamine?"
"Horse tranquilizer."
"Are you serious right now? What on earth makes you think it's a good idea to do something like that? How did I know I would find you here doing something like this?"
"Maybe because I got woken up in the middle of the night by my deranged Mother with my fingers around my future wife's throat?"
"Cloud… I can't believe you're abusing substances to this degree."
"Really? What part of it is out of character?"
"The part where I asked you to quit greens and go steady on your antipsychotics."
"And you know what? I did. I have tried all the typical antipsychotics at this point and most of the atypical ones as well. At what point will it finally hit home for you that this is just me down here?"
"I have seen you and you're not this."
"I'm pretty this. On a scale from one to ten I am pretty much this. Besides. You didn't tell me that I couldn't use anything else ever again. And tonight I needed to 'relax.' Hence the tranquilizers and pain medication. I'm in a lot of pain, darling."
Weiss slid into the red velvet booth next to me. She slid the bottles and shots away from me.
"Ruby's fine. You know? She is built of stern stuff. She walked it off. You barely got through her aura."
"She didn't fight back…" I croaked. "She just laid there and took it."
"She believed in you. I believed in you."
"Believe in me less. Break my heart. Do something. I beggin' ya'…"
"Begging me to what? Leave you?"
"Maybe? Shouldn't you? Shouldn't I go, Weiss. Isn't it time for me to confront the bitch herself?"
"No. Not yet."
"Weiss I can't do what I did tonight and get away with it. I have to be punished somehow. Something horrible has to happen to me. I deserve something horrible to happen to me."
"Something horrible did happen to you, you dumb blonde. That's why you're in agony."
I choked back a sob. "Not bad enough… I hurt her. And she just laid there like a little angel while I strangled her and she took it. I'm an abusive boyfriend."
"You're not an abusive boyfriend, Cloud."
"I act like it's not my fault. Like I'm the victim. Classic abusive stuff. Can't you see that at the bottom of me, I'm the problem. It isn't my Mother. Salem, sorry. It isn't Salem. It's me. I did that to Ruby. I just grabbed her by the throat. And you guys want me around kids? You didn't even try to kill me a little. I can't trust you to really put me down if it comes to it. Can I? You won't do it. You won't even try and really stop me. You'll just hope I'll stop on my own."
"It's worked so far…"
"It isn't good enough."
"You're way too hard on yourself. We heard you talking to her. It was like you were possessed. It was very clearly not you. I don't know how else to express it. Ruby knows you would never hurt her. I know you would never hurt me."
"I did hurt her. Quit acting like I didn't. And she just fucking laid there. Do you-"
"Do I know how awful it must have been to be you in that moment? No. Ruby doesn't either. You sort of woke up and realized what your hands were doing. And you jerked and tensed and battled yourself. I have no idea how difficult that must have been to go from peacefully resting to having that bitch invade your mind and make you do something like that. I have no clue. I know it must have been hard. So hard." She rubbed my thigh. I realized I was sobbing full blown now. The tears were pouring from my eyes. "You're not a handsome crier." She wiped my tears away from my face. I looked away from her. "No," she ordered. "Look at me… that's better. Little fluff. It's okay."
"I can't do that again…" I whispered.
"It's okay…"
"I mean it. If it happens even a single more time, it's over. I'm done."
"You don't mean that. Hush now."
"I'm not worth it. I'm just not. Do you know what I mean?"
"You are worth it, hush," she stroked my back and cupped my cheek.
"No. I'm just straight not. I'm not worth a bruise on Ruby's body. Really. I'm so… I'm so not. I'm just not. If it happens again, I'm flying straight at my Mother and I'm letting that decide things."
"You could die…"
"It will be settled. One way or another."
"I don't want you to die, Cloud. What would I do without you?"
"You'd have Ruby."
"She's not enough for me. I need you too. Ruby needs you. We both need you. That must have been so horrible to have to do what you did. You've had it so hard and I know I don't make it easy on you. You can finally rest. You deserve to rest after everything that you've done. You deserve to sleep with Ruby and I. You don't deserve these awful things that keep happening to you. Come now. Relax."
"That's… that's what the ketamine is for. To relax. The klonopin too. I just… even when I'm resting I can't let my guard down. I have to be on top of her or she can take ground from me. It's… it's a constant battle against her. And every day she takes an inch or a mile. I can only lose ground. Never take it. And it's just a question of how much she takes. I'm worried she'll take all of me and I won't stop next time. And you won't stop me. Ruby won't fight back. Gods damn it, why didn't she fight back? It would be so much easier if she had just struggled against me even a little. But she did nothing. She just didn't do anything. And now I know you won't strike me down either."
"I could never," Weiss murmured.
"Gods damn it. Can't you see that only makes my situation more dire? Why? You have to kill me. Someone has to kill me. I can't take a single minute more. She's always pressing. She encroaches further and further all the time. Someone has to kill me before I start slipping. Somebody I trust to actually do it."
"Ruby won't. I can't."
"Yang and Blake, then. And maybe Qrow. They could do it. They would do it. I have to ask them to kill me."
"You don't have to die."
"I love you but I can't trust you to do what's necessary. If Yang finds out I almost strangled her little sister she won't hesitate. She'll do what's right."
"Killing you is the wrong thing to do. You are innocent."
"No. I put my hands to her. I did it. I'm guilty."
"You are expressly forbidden from trying to kill yourself."
I mimed rattling invisible chains at her. "Every day I stray further from the light. You can't save me. Let me die."
"No. I can't imagine what you're going through but clearly the last thing you need is to be alone." She grabbed the nearly full bottles and tossed them into the crowd of people dancing on the floor.
"I paid for those," I muttered absently. "You just tossed them. Full bottles. Like garbage."
"They were garbage. Let's go home, Cloud. I'll be driving you in my car. You can get your bike tomorrow. Seriously how many of those did you take?"
"Three each."
"Were you trying to kill yourself?"
"I wouldn't say 'yes.' But I don't particularly care if I die. It's like not wearing a seat belt. I won't say 'no' to Death if we crossed paths but I ain't lookin' for her neither. We could hang. It's cool."
"You weren't going to stop at three though."
"I was going to stop when I stopped feeling anything."
"We call that death."
"We technically call that unconsciousness. Death is just one of the forms it takes."
"What am I going to do with you, Cloud?" She led me stumbling by the arm to the exit. My vision was still blurry and would occasionally tunnel into a dark horizon. She was bright enough in… my shirt and a pair of boy shorts? Was that really all she was wearing? She pretty much came after me in her PJs. That's how she came looking for me.
"You look good in my clothes," I managed.
"Flattery won't get you out of this one. You're still in trouble."
"Good."
"Not for what Salem made you do. You dumb blonde. For trying to kill yourself. Ruby is literally fine. She walked it off. She went looking for you."
"She did?"
"She checked Beacon. I looked here. You weren't answering your scroll and she got it in her head that you might try and take your own life. I'm glad she did. We're going to look after you."
"You can't possibly take away every avenue I have for suicide. Not unless you hospitalize me."
"We'll just have to take you at your word. You'll just have to keep it."
"You both ask too much from me… You want me to be this good person."
"You are a good person. You're just frustragous. I'm calling Ruby. I'll let her know I found you. Hold on. Wait a minute! Don't-"
I collapsed in the street. My muscles just sort of spasmed and gave way. I smacked my chin hard on the asphalt. Weiss hauled me to my feet where I wobbled.
"You're really not alright. You're a mess. Holy hell, what am I going to do with you?"
"Let me die. How can I possibly face Ruby? I mean that. How?" I slurred out. "What am I going to say to her. What am I going to do?"
"She knows it wasn't you, you big puppy. She's just worried about you. And rightly so. You tried to end it all tonight. I bet another dose and you would be gone. Aura or not and did you really mix alcohol with all that? And all the atypical antipsychotics you're on? And your lithium and your clonazepam? What are the antipsychotics? Clomipramine and what was the mood stabilizer?"
"Risperdal," I managed.
"What can all that do to you? I'm calling Amanda."
"Hopefully it kills me. Hopefully it stops my heart. Probably the usual. Dizziness, trouble concentrating. That's why she started me on that accelerant."
"What accelerant."
"Dextro-amphetamine? I think?"
"You're on amphetamines?"
"Adderall. That's legal. With a prescription."
"Yeah. Assuming you don't mix it with gods only know. You did. You honestly did. You tried to kill yourself."
"Can you blame me? You should hate my guts too."
"Who else hates your guts?"
"Me."
She hit my chest. "Oh, puh. What can I do to help you?" I wobbled when she tapped me lightly. She reached out and caught me and steadied me.
"You should have been willing to kill me. You should let me pack up and run away again. Let you forget that you were once my friend and girlfriend. Wife. Whatever. I want to end reality but I feel hesitant. Slightly optimistic that the future will be more pleasant than the present. So I didn't drive my bike into a pole or slit my wrists. I went for the meds. Leave me alone."
"The last thing you need is to be left alone. 'I need to go clear my head,' you said. What did that really mean? If you had a gun would you use it on yourself? I have to know."
"Maybe," I slurred. "What?" I wondered at her exasperated look. "Give me Crescent Rose and let's find out. Do it right now."
"Yeah, because you need a weapon right now. That's it. Hand over Crocea Mors."
"No…" I pleaded.
"Yes," she overruled. I took my weapon from my back. The too long handle leading up to the thick guard and sheets of folded metal over the longsword. I saw my own reflection. My eyes were in pits. They looked sunken in. I reversed the blade with a practiced flourish and offered the too long hilt to Weiss. She took it. "Fuck me this is heavy. And I thought Crescent Rose was ridiculous." She leveraged the blade down and hefted it over the asphalt while helping me towards her little white general purpose vehicle. She threw the blade in the back and helped me into the passenger seat. She buckled me in. "The balance is just stupid far forward. How do you swing that thing?"
"It's a really good sword," I cried defensively. "It really does most of the work. It swings me."
"No shit. Let me dial Ruby… Ruby? Yes... I found him... He-... he was trying to kill himself. You were right… Ketamine and vicodin mixed with alcohol. He really went for it... He can barely walk or talk… I'm driving him home right now… I love you too… See you in an hour or so… Okay, bye."
I slumped in the seat and let the pain killers and tranquilizers do their worst. I soaked back into the chair. I was little more than a puddle of a human being. My head lulled to the side and I couldn't keep my eyes open.
"Hey. Hey!" Weiss snapped her fingers in front of my face. "You're not going to pass out and die on me. Are you? I'll seriously- Cloud, I'll seriously never forgive you if you die like this. Don't you dare go to sleep on me."
"I… ca-an't h-help it…" I slurred. "I'm gonna sle-ep."
"Maybe… but you can't die on me. I'll never forgive you. Do you hear me? If you die passed out in the passenger seat of my car I will never get over it. You have to face your mother, fine. I get that. But you don't get to die like this. Not on Ruby and me. Not before you get the chance to see Ruby is fine and well. I mean it. Don't you dare die while I'm driving you home. It's not an option for you."
I groaned. "I'lll stay aw-ke thn. I cn't be trsted."
"However you have to make it happen. Do it." She pulled out of her parking spot with finesse but urgency. My head slammed into the window hard enough to really make a good sound but I, for one, didn't feel a thing. Weiss reached over and smacked me in the gut with the back of her hand and I let out a moan. "Just… just checking. Don't you dare die. What should I even do? Take you to a hospital? What would they do? Pump your stomach? Give you a transfusion? I don't even know. Would they make you drink a lot of water and just pray? Gods I hope not. I hope I'm making the right call here. Hey, drink this." She hit me a water bottle. I fumbled with numb fingers for the cap. I tried to get it in my mouth but between my lips and hand I just spilled it all over my front. "Oh, gods. Yeah. That's my bad. That's on me. Not sure what I was thinking."
I slumped back over and focused on staying awake. Mentally, I counted black sheep as we passed cars on the interstate to try and stay awake. One black sheep. Two black sheep. Three black sheep. Fou-
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-WG
