Chapter 84.
At the creek, Sam said, "Remember when we agreed to believe each other's act and crumble later?"
"I remember." she said, giving little away.
"Great in principle, until that extra, unexpected blow of the hammer. You're strong, Jules, I know that, but I also know you're not okay. You had good reasons not to pray and I'm grateful to you for putting them aside to help Cas, but in doing so, you ... "
"My pain is in the past. Another world, another life." Jules looked back towards the house. "His pain is real now. Yes, I reopened old wounds, but the blade is still in his wounds and fresh blood is flowing."
"So you're happy to sacrifice your wellbeing for his?"
"Isn't that what love is?" she said.
"Maybe, but family is looking after everyone and if I'm gonna get through this, I have to be able to tell myself I took care of you as well as Cas."
"Old trauma." she said.
"Yeah. I know better than most that it doesn't matter how distant the date on the trauma, when it's back, it's fresh and strong and hurts." said Sam.
"I can handle it." she said.
"That's not in doubt. You can handle just about anything."
"Good. So let's go on as before."
She turned to go, but Sam had spent a lifetime butting heads with Dean's stubborn self-reliance. "I'm thinking of Cas too." he said.
"What do you mean?" she said, turning back.
"I know he seems oblivious right now, but don't think he doesn't know. Of all the people in that room, you were the one he was closest to and the one who matters most. He didn't say anything, but you can bet he felt the change in you. If I saw it, so did he. His perception is far above human levels."
"I'll make sure he knows I can deal with it." she said.
"You don't have to deal with it alone." he said.
She looked back to the house again. Cas was a small figure, wandering uncertainly amongst the beehives. Sam knew how much of her strength was spent on giving him her unconditional support, loving him even when he ran from her, burying her own deep wounds from years of war and oppression because she cared so much about his.
"I do it too." he said, "Push it all down so I can be there for the others."
"You were in Hell for a century." she said, "I just went through one little apocalypse."
"You fought for years against Heaven, Hell ... "
"Still nothing compared with what you went through." she said.
"We minimise our own suffering, tell ourselves and others it's not so bad." said Sam, knowing only honesty had a chance here, "We don't have to tell each other that. We're two of a kind."
She smiled at that. "Yeah, we are. We're hunters. We're messed up inside, but we do the job and we keep going. And that's what I need to do, Sam, keep going and keep protecting him." She nodded to Cas.
"Yeah, me too." he said. They watched Cas for a moment and Sam thought he looked a little better, standing straighter, looking less dazed, but it was hard to tell from that distance. "How messed up right now?" he said quietly.
"You're not letting this go, are you?" she said.
"I prefer to think of it as not letting you slip through the cracks." he said, "I know that if he were himself, taking care of you would be his first priority."
"Second, after Jack. Maybe third, after you." she said, "I don't resent it, but I recognise it."
"I think you're wrong." said Sam, "But for now, he's out of action and someone has to step up."
"Well, honestly, I'll be fine. Yes, some stuff got raked up and yes, tonight, I'll have a few nightmares maybe, but I had to get through to him and I did."
"Yeah, so clever, to tap straight into his essential angelic nature and bypass all the crap in his head."
She looked at Cas, who was now standing by the central hive, his hands on the roof. Bees were slowly starting to swirl around him. "That's good." she said, "The bees avoid him when he hates his life."
"Those bees always seem to have a calming effect on him." said Sam, wondering if she intended to distract him.
She smiled ruefully. "You know, I have a horrible feeling that the first time I get to see him naked will be a day when he wants to commune better with the bees."
"You've never ... " Sam began, then he stopped himself. It was inappropriate to ask about their odd sex life.
She looked at him, then back at Cas. "Clothes are a shield to him. Without them, everything is too intense. And he doesn't want things to go too far, while Dean is gone. Of course, when Dean comes back, he'll find some other excuse."
"I know it seems that way, but he does want ... "
"Yeah, he does, but he is so afraid. Maybe it'll never happen and you know what? I'm okay with that. Even now, when he's so cut-off from everyone, being with him is good. You worry about the things buried in my head. Well, they lose power when he's around. Waking up from a night terror and finding him looking at me is so comforting."
"Dean always found it creepy, having Cas watching him sleep."
"Dean wasn't in love with him." she said, "Poor Cas. His PTSD is worse than anyone's. He makes you and me look cheerful and trauma-free. The weight he's carrying, he was never built to carry and he just goes on, trying to be strong for everyone. Worse, he thinks he has no right to feel pain or fear and he hates the fact that he does."
"Just like Dean." said Sam.
"Just like Dean." she agreed.
"And like you."
"And you. Don't make me another burden on your back. I'm a survivor. It's what I do."
He heard the catch in her voice and saw the smallest quiver in her lower lip. She straightened her shoulders and raised her chin and if he had not walked around for years with a head full of Hell, he might have been fooled.
"Yeah, I get that." he said, "Hell, you're strong enough to love him." he said, with a nod to where Cas still stood, head bowed, amidst the bees.
"For as long as I live." she said. A shudder ran through her shoulders and tears filled her eyes and she said, in a shaking, subdued voice, "I'll be okay. I'll be okay. I'm just not okay right now."
Sam hugged her to his chest, squeezing as tightly as he could. "Nobody's okay right now. That's why we need each other. We have each other."
She hugged back. "Never thought I'd pray again."
"I'm sorry you had to." he said.
"Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe I need to ditch the anti-angel precautions now that I'm in love with one of them." she said, snuggling closer. "Never thought I'd get a new brother at this late stage of the game either."
"I know the Winchesters are not the most stable or lucky family in the world, but we take care of our own." he said, letting her step back.
"I had the most stable family in the world. It didn't last long in the apocalypse." she said, "I never stop missing them. I never stop wanting them back. I don't know why I had to be the one to survive."
"Maybe so you could save a fallen angel." he said.
She glanced at Cas again. "I don't think I did much."
"I know exactly what you did." said Sam, "You did everything."
