pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq
"You know what the worst part about marrying you is?" I asked Weiss. We were at a smithy getting Crescent Rose modified so it reversed into a glaive. It was a small tweak. Unfortunately what modification to Crescent Rose would be acceptable? We couldn't give it a personal touch like Ruby and I had with Myrtenaster. Or like they did with my new fusion sword and shield, Crocea Mors 3.0.
"I have no idea. Is this going to be depressing or sweet?"
"I was supposed to die young. Step out early. Take myself out of the picture," I explained. "Against my sisters or mother or something I was supposed to, by all accounts, leave early. I planned on that. I bet on that."
"And now?" Weiss wondered. She folded her arms and quirked an elegantly plucked and arched eyebrow.
"Now I have to wait for you. You and Ruby both. When I go out I have to hold back to come back. I had plans and schemes. There was a way this was supposed to pan out."
"And you're upset I won't let you kill yourself?"
"I had a plan. It was supposed to be tragic. 'Oh, he was taken from us so early. Rest in shit we hardly knew ye'.' That sort of thing. I was supposed to wrap this bad boy up and take it to go."
"Ah. You didn't think you'd make it this far. With a woman or just in general?" She pressed.
"Either. Both. What am I supposed to do now? By all accounts I should have died at initiation. I should be stone cold dead from the start. And now that I've made it this far I don't know what to do. I've got no plans or schemes for this."
"Like a fish out of water," Weiss agreed. "You poor, poor thing. How will you cope?"
"You're not even sorry. You fucked everything up. I was supposed to be done. I was cooked and deep fried. Always was and always have been. And you just sit there like you didn't ruin everything. You fucked everything up for me. What am I goin' to do now?"
"I was right when I said this would be depressing or sweet. It was strangely both."
"So yeah, that's the worst thing about dating you. Being engaged to you. Marrying you. You messed up my whole timeline. What the fresh fuck am I supposed to do?"
"Be a good husband and a loving father?"
"That wasn't part of 'the plan.'"
"'The plan?'"
"To die. To die for Ruby at some point before I knew about Salem. To die fighting Cinder or whatever. To make it through Beacon as a student. My plans always get ruined and it's usually my whole fault. But not this time. This time I have to sit around and live and that's your fault. You have to hold that 'l.'"
"I'm pretty sure I don't."
"See what I mean about how you're not even sorry? You're not. You're… you…" I pointed at her angrily. "You did this to me."
She hid a giggle behind her hand in vain. "You're right. I really should apologize."
"I'm waiting," I said, folding my arms.
"Hmm," she hummed musically.
"Still waiting…" I trailed.
She leaned over and kissed my nose. I wrinkled it as though in disgust. I was smiling though.
"Keep waiting…" she purred. "Because you're right. I'm not sorry. And I won't ever be."
"You sadist," I grumbled.
"Because I'm forcing you to be a husband? How peculiarly cruel of me."
"If there's any justice to this…"
"Then what?" She preened. "If there's any justice to this then what?"
"I don't know. You'll get what's comin' to you though."
"What's coming to me? Besides you?" She winked. "Oh sorry. That's what's coming in me."
"You'll get me. I'm probably what you deserve. That's karma. You'll have to deal with me."
"But I want to."
"But you really shouldn't. I'm a bit of a bastard."
"You mean that literally?"
"I meant it as both. Gods, I just want to eat shit and die. Is that too much to ask for?"
"Poor you. Two women love you and want your babies. We want to tether you to this world as long and as firmly as possible. We don't want you to destroy yourself and we want to grow old with you and then one day die with you. Poor you. You must be so miserable with that."
"You're openly admitting that you're tying me to Remnant. You're not even sorry or ashamed. You… you…" I pointed at her face aggressively and she giggled at me again. Her real laugh was a quiet musical thing.
"You're right I should feel guilty. How dare I want that life with you? What cruel horrors will I subject you to next. A loving heart? A forgiving soul?"
"It's almost more cruel than Salem. She'll just kill me and enslave me. She just wants to destroy my life. You want to devour me. You want to swallow my life and pick the plate clean. In a queer way you're more scary than Salem. What you want from me isn't easy."
"I love you so, I'll eat you whole, please don't go," she sang with a laugh. "This is oddly sweet but still a little depressing. Is it really that scary."
"Yeah, I mean-"
"Kids!" She said the same way you might jump out and say 'boo' to try and frighten someone. I shifted uncomfortably. "Babies! It does scare you! Aw. That's so sweet. You're really worried you won't do a very good job. You really are scared. That's so you." She kept laughing at me. She laughed so hard she gave an 'ugly' snort.
"Yeah. Yuck it up."
"You're always so afraid of your power running away from you or some other undercurrent taking you by surprise. You're so scared of it. That's how we know that it's safe with you. You're afraid of all the right things. You're scared you'll be an abusive husband and a terrible father. Does it keep you up at night?"
I looked away. She leaned in close and pulled me by the chin so I was looking back at her.
"Fluff," she reminded me. "Well, does it keep you up at night?"
"You know it does…" I murmured angrily.
She leaned in and kissed me gently. She closed her eyes and pushed into it. It was deep and smooth and I could feel her aura turn against my own. I could feel that she was pleased. She pulled back away. "I'm sure my father isn't up late at night worrying about whether he was a good parent. You're terrified for your kids and they aren't even born yet. You're scared of abusing your power over them. That's how I know you'll be a sweet father."
"It isn't good enough. I'm not good enough," I protested. "I'm telling you that all this stuff isn't good enough to be a good parent."
"You're confusing 'good' with 'perfect,'" she informed me gently. "Nobody wants perfection from you except for you. I like how you challenge yourself and strive for more. You're so hungry to do even better than you're currently doing. I love that about you."
"Good enough isn't good enough," I disagreed.
"Limits were made to be broken," she murmured like that meant something. "I love this drive in you. You always want to be doing more. For Vale. For Beacon. For your students. For me and Ruby. For your unborn children. And for the whole world. You could call it and say you've done enough. You've done your part against the forces of evil. But instead you keep an eye out for serial killers. You accept missions for the Vale council and probably Atlas if they asked. You watch out for your sisters and your mother's activities. You expect more from you. Always. I love that about you. But you have to see where you're demanding the impossible of yourself. You will not be a perfect father. Not even close. But you will do good enough. Better than any other father. Maybe ever."
"This makes me uncomfortable. This praise."
"Because I'm a girl?"
"Because it's a compliment…"
"Oh, psh," she laughed it off. She hit my shoulder with a flick of her hand and I got a taste of her cool aura with it. "What does Ruby call you? A big baby? You'll just have to live with being complimented a little."
I grumbled. She smirked at me. She reached back and pulled her braided hair over her shoulder.
"I should just compliment you until you get used to it. Shouldn't I?" She whispered. "You poor thing. I'm going to tell Ruby."
"Don't…" I pleaded.
"I'm gonna," she purred. She sat back and away from me on the bench we shared. "How are your defenses? What are they like?"
"It isn't as easy as imagining a wall between us. Not unless you're willing to be only thinking about that wall all the time. Instead I have to on watch for things slipping in between that gulf. From those alien shores to mine, what is washing up and influencing me? I have to be watching for that. For things cropping up and growing. I have to weed the garden of my subconscious and I have to be consciously on watch for things which might be delusory. I have to comb through my memories and look for things that couldn't have happened."
"But everyone has memories that couldn't have happened. That just happens to people."
"I know. It makes my job harder since human memory is so fallible."
"So what do you do when you do find something? It can't be as easy as forgetting about it," she wondered.
"I remember it. I focus on it and how it isn't true. Then I wait and see if it expands into other corners of my mind. If it is expanding then it's my mother trying to take ground."
"Salem," she reminded.
"Salem," I agreed. "So I'm on my toes and looking for her influence."
"All the time?"
"Not when I'm sleeping. Not that I know of when I'm sleeping. My mind is vulnerable when I sleep."
"You still stop breathing sometimes."
"Does it scare you?" I pressed absently. "It scares Ruby."
"Yes. It's very frightening. You hold your breath for far too long. We wait together in the silence and wait and wait until finally your chest rises again and we can relax. It goes from us sleeping comfortably on your chest to a sort of mute fear. You twitch as well. You convulse terribly at times. Is she getting you? Is it bad?"
"It's tolerable."
"But you could tolerate anything if I asked you to," Weiss whispered. "Do you want to die still?"
"A little bit," I confessed. "Not too much."
"Are you only alive because I forbid you from killing yourself? If it was your choice would you be dead?"
"I would have confronted her. So maybe. Probably. Yes," I answered as helpfully as I could. "I'd probably be dead now if not for you and Ruby preventing me from facing her now."
"You want to face her."
"I must face her," I disagreed. "They aren't quite the same. I can't live in peace with her standing on my neck. She's got one foot on my throat all the time. At that same moment, she can't thrive with me on the lookout and thwarting her monsters and children and servants. There is a tenuous impasse. She can always just try and wait me out. Since she's immortal and I'm not. But her other children will also die and are useful. She could always have someone make more, however. I'm the only shot our side has at ending her. So I must try and destroy her. And I can't afford to fail when I shoot my shot. Ride or die."
"You take a lot of responsibilities on yourself."
"It's… I asked for this. When I wanted to be a hero at Beacon. I asked for this responsibility. I mean, I didn't know what it would cost me. I didn't know what I would earn and win by doing it. But I did ask for this. I wanted it all on me. I wanted this on some level. I agreed to it. You know what I mean? I can't even say I didn't know. I can't even say I didn't want it. I can't even say I was unwilling or unready thought I probably was. I saw it coming. And right now I'm putting off my real responsibilities by spending time with you and Ruby. She will collect her due from me. I will have to pay the price for it. And I can't even say I didn't see it coming or don't deserve it or whatever because I can and I do see it coming. And I agree to it. I know what you're asking from me. I'm saying 'yes.' I consent. But I also have to face those problems eventually. I'm consenting to that too. I know what it will do to my mind and heart and soul. And I'm saying 'yes.'"
"What will it cost you?" She asked. "This thing you're agreeing to do. What will it take from you if you say that you know now what it is?"
"You and Ruby. Our children. They're all on the line. Everything is on the line. But they're on the line anyways because my- Salem. Salem won't do nothing. She'll make moves and it's on me to be willing to counter her. I have to play the game and do the dance."
"Do you really have to?"
"Yeah I really do. It's what I was born for."
"Your father-"
"My father meant for me to be an assistant or hitman or some combination. I get to choose what I was born for. I was born to oppose my Mother."
"Salem," she corrected.
"Salem," I agreed. "It's what I'm really for. Some people were born to prove things in mathematics or write novels or do battle with alien gods. It's just what some people were born for. It's just what we are. And we have some say in the matter. Some free will. But there's a touch of destiny to it too. I choose to rebel against Salem. I rebel therefore I am. Some people's rebellions take other forms. Yours against your parents and the things they wanted you to be."
"We have to rebel and choose. We have no choice in that we must choose. I choose to combat Salem and take that responsibility on me. That's my choice. I know that. But it also kinda isn't. I'm the best shot at destroying her. I'm the best tool to oppose her when she moves pieces around. So do I really have a choice in that I have to be the one to contest her? And I know it will cost me my life and my death with you and Ruby. I know it will. But I still choose to be a hero and to be that person. Maybe that makes me a coward. Maybe it makes me a bad husband or a bad father. But I still am condemned to choose one way or the other. And I choose to rebel and try to destroy her. I can't let someone weaker than me face her. Her fragments… sure. Someone weaker than me can take those on. But I am condemned to see and do as much as I can." I went on.
"And I know you want me to stay. I know that. I really do want to stay. But I have no choice in this angst. I must face her or let someone else face her. And I can't let someone else face her. That's not an option for me. So I'll give you both as much life as I can. But I still have to go and challenge her. And who knows. Maybe I win and walk away."
"But you don't think you will," she reminded me. "That hurts us."
"Well, I won't lie to you. Or myself. Not anymore."
pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq
-WG
