Chapter 85.

Cas saw Sam embrace Jules and he said to the bees, "There, that's Sam Winchester, holding the world together, because no-one else is going to. His brother's dead and he cares about her."

At the word "dead" the bees flinched away, wounded by his pain. It was more than the word. It was his eagerness to use it, to twist the knife in his own heart and he understood their problem with it. Too much of his mind was focused on holding on to the comforting stagnation of despair, the security of knowing things could not get any worse. He had always despised cowards, because he had always known that he was one, deep down.

Dean, he knew, would not have given up so easily. Even Sam, who believed Dean could be dead, was refusing to accept it as fact. Cas wanted, more than anything, to be able to consider it possible that Dean could still be alive, but angel radio ...

Sam and Jules were coming back to the house and Cas knew that they would leave him there, outside, with the bees, if that was what he wanted. It wasn't. He wanted to go back inside, to be with his family, but they had seen him walk out. They knew that he was weak and stupid. He wished he could undo that. He also needed to talk to Sam alone.

"Sam." he said, as they came to the hives.

Sam turned to Jules. "You go in. I'll be right behind you."

She took Cas's hand and kissed his cheek. "You okay?" she said.

"Yes." he said, "I'm sorry about ... "

"No." she said, "There's nothing to be sorry about." She turned and went into the house.

"What is it?" said Sam.

Cas was still staring at the door that had closed behind her. "Tell me she's okay." he said.

"She is." said Sam, "The prayer ... Well, you know how she feels about praying, but she says you're worth all the stuff it stirred up."

"I'm not worth one moment of disquiet in her soul." he said.

"You don't have a clue what you're worth to us." said Sam.

"I saw you hug her."

"Oh, that? Look, Cas, that was just ... "

"I know what it was." said Cas, wondering why Sam would feel a need to explain. "I want to thank you for being a good friend, to her and to me. I'm not in great shape today for interacting on any meaningful level and I know I didn't do the right thing when I knew that she was shaken. You did. You always do. Whatever you're going through, you always care about others. Thankyou, Sam."

"Hey, no problem. She's family. I'm always here for her."

"Yes, you are."

"But don't feel you can't talk to her about it. I told her you'd know what that prayer did to her."

Cas nodded. "When we get some time alone, I'll talk to her. Maybe ... " His voice died away.

"Maybe ... ?" prompted Sam.

"Maybe I can make up for everything I got wrong today."

"You got nothing wrong. Cas, we understand."

"Do you really think Dean can be alive?" said Cas.

"Jack thinks he is."

"Jack thinks I' a suitable role model." said Cas dismissively.

"So do I. Sarah thinks Dean is alive."

"What do you think?"

"I honestly don't know, but I gave up on Dean once before and I've regretted it ever since, so maybe we need to do as Sarah says and put our faith in him."

"Maybe we do." said Cas, "To tell you the truth, I'm afraid to go in there."

"Why?" said Sam, "There's a room full of people who love you with everything they have."

"That's why. I let them down, Sam. I was weak. I was stupid. You know what Dean would say."

"Yeah, and I know how little of it he'd mean."

"Have you discussed yet whether I can be trusted with an angel blade, or at all, without someone to watch over me? Have you considered a warded room to keep me safe from my own frailty?"

"Do you think there's a single one of us who hasn't been thinking and feeling the same weak, stupid things you have?" said Sam.

"I should be the strongest." said Cas.

"Because you're an angel?"

"Yes." It seemed too obvious to need to be said.

"Zachariah was an angel. He seem strong to you?"

"So you think angels are weaker than humans?" said Cas.

"Stop angling for insults. I think you are the strongest of angels. The others broke under pressure. You broke free. When there was an easy way and a right way, you never took the easy one."

"I took a lot of wrong ones."

"We all do. Me, more than most. I ran from my mistakes a lot of the time, when did you ever not try to clear up the mess you made?"

"When did I ever succeed?"

Sam smiled and shook his head. "Would you ever judge a human as harshly as you judge yourself? You know he feels unworthy of you, right? You know he's terrified that you'll come to the same conclusion and wonder why you ever wasted your friendship on him."

"I'm the unworthy one, unfit for the company of Winchesters, undeserving of the love of a woman like Jules."

"You know what I admire most about Jules? She sees things clearly. She knows exactly what you're worth and she loves you and I mean truly loves you, no half measures, no holding back."

"And you think I deserve that?"

"You're the only one who doesn't." said Sam.

"Can't you see what a wreck I am?"

"You know what I see? I see a wreck who wanted to give up and end it all and who had the means to do it and plenty of time, far away from anyone who would try to stop him. That blade is practically part of you. You have it with you everywhere. It's your protection and security blanket and also your way out."

"Security blanket?" said Cas.

"I know what it's like to lose hope, to long for death, just to stop the pain and quiet the chaos. I know how little willpower is left at that point. I know you could barely find the strength to turn around."

"You helped me with that."

"Leaving that blade behind was a supreme act of will. Leaving it took courage and strength and determination and you did it when you should have been incapable of any of that. I don't know if you did it for Dean or Jules or Jack, but I know you overcame despair for love."

"I left the phone too. That was pure cowardice."

"I didn't look for you and Dean when you were in Purgatory."

"At that point, we didn't know Rowena. There was no way you would have found us."

"You left the phone, but you chose not to give up. More than that, when you were going in the wrong direction, you reached out to me."

"You were the only hope I had."

"When I felt your voice in my head ... Cas, I was so afraid we'd lose you and then you showed that you wanted to make it home."

"How can I go in there and talk to them when they saw me at my weakest?"

"How about we go in together?" said Sam, "They've seen me at my weakest too."