Chapter 86.
Sarah stood to greet them as they returned to the parlour. Sam made sure he was at Castiel's shoulder, but he was careful not to seem as if he could be blocking a swift exit if Cas needed one.
Cas looked into Sarah's eyes and said, "I'm sorry for all the ... "
"You needed time to think." she said.
"Yes, I did. I will do as you ask. I will assume Dean is alive until there is more evidence to the contrary than any celestial claim. He probably is dead and if so, there can only be disappointment ahead, but so be it." He looked around at each of them and smiled at Sam. "First time we met, he put a knife in my heart. It seems fitting, in a way, that his last act will be to repeat that when I know for sure that he is gone for good."
"I know how hard it is for you to even consider hope." said Sarah.
"I know how important it is to you that I try." said Cas, "Over the years, you've done so much for me. I owe you."
"You owe me nothing. You literally saved my life. Figuratively too."
"We saved each other, over and over." said Cas, "Everyone in this room has saved me more than once, sometimes at great personal cost." He looked at Jules, sitting on the couch and said, "I know what that prayer did."
"Worth it." she said, "Don't worry about me. I know an angel who can kill bad dreams and night terrors."
He went over and sat beside her. She took his hand again.
Sam sat in the corner, a little away from the others, anxious not to make any of them feel under his scrutiny. Jack seemed quiet, but not as worried as before. Sam wondered what he and Sarah had talked about when the rest of them were outside.
Sarah returned to her chair and cast a watchful eye over each of her adopted family. "This has been a day." she said, the understatement of the year.
"It has." said Sam.
"Can we discuss the situation, naming names, including that name closest to our hearts and carrying most pain?" she said, looking at Cas.
He nodded.
"The loss of Dean has hurt us all." she said, "And we're in a terrible position now. There's no easy way to find him, little chance of his immediate return and everyone in this room is on the brink of despair, if not over the edge. Is that a fair summation?"
"Yes." said Sam.
"And we all know what Dean would say if he were here. He'd yell at us all for thinking of giving up, or for coming up with crazy plans about crossroad deals and suicidal attacks on Michael. He'd tell us he's not worth fighting for, which isn't true and he'd tell us we can't let this defeat us, which is. He'd hold us together, even if he had to do it by making us mad. But Dean isn't with us."
"Sam is a good substitute, when it comes to keeping us together." said Cas.
"Sam is a good leader." said Jules.
"Yes, he is," said Sarah, "But Sam is struggling too, without his brother. Castiel has agreed to behave as if Dean is alive, which he is. I have to ask each of you to agree to something here and now that will get us all through this."
"Agree to what?" said Jules.
"The past few days have been hard. The pressures on us all have been unbearable. We've all been in a state of confusion with occasional side trips to total despair. When each of us falls, the others are there to catch them and that needs to continue, but with all of us one dark thought from destruction, we need to be united as never before. We need to have Dean's stubbornness, Dean's devotion to family. We need to be honest with each other when things get bad."
"You mean no more running away." said Cas.
"You're not the only one who tries to hide the bad stuff." said Jack.
"We all do." said Sarah, "We can't afford to now. When Michael sent out that message, he wanted us to break and scatter. He fears our faith and unity. He defeated his Lucifer, but he's failed, so far, to beat us. I love you all and I need you to believe. Believe in Dean. Believe he will return. Believe in each other."
"I haven't exactly given anyone a reason to believe in me." said Cas.
"I never had more reason to believe in you." said Sam.
"It could be weeks before we can get to Dean," said Sarah, "It could be months. Every day, there will be temptations to give up and give in and any time he can, Michael will try to push us to the point of surrender. We know what losing to Michael looks like." She glanced at Jules, whose face showed little emotion but whose eyes held shadows of her long war. "We know that Dean will never give up fighting, so neither must we."
"We won't." said Sam.
"Together, we're a formidable army, so we stick together and we keep each other strong. When things go wrong, when hope dwindles, we fight on and we believe in Dean and in each other. When one of us falls into despair, the others drag him or her out, whatever it takes."
"Agreed." said Sam.
"And when we get Dean back and he asks us, 'How did you win?' we can say, 'By doing what you would do, by making family the heart of it all.' All the way, whatever it takes, we keep fighting until we bring him home."
"Whatever it takes." Jack agreed.
"And we listen to each other and we understand that despair is natural and understandable and not a sign of weakness, so, when you lose hope, tell someone. When you're scared or guilty or fearful, talk to someone. And when someone confides in you, support and guide them until they can believe again. Above all, remember, Dean loves you and will always try to make it back to you." said Sarah.
Suddenly, Cas turned to Sam and said, "Do you believe Bobby can fix the car?"
"Bobby can fix anything." said Sam.
"Because if Dean gets back and the car is still wrecked ... "
"Then Dean can fix the car." said Sam.
Cas looked at Jules, "Could you teach me basic automobile maintenance?" he said.
"If it's about looking after the car, yes. If it's about accepting that Dean won't be around to do it, no. I want no part of that. I know you rely on him to take care of it."
"It's the first thing." said Cas, "Dean thinks I should know this stuff. Maybe, when he returns, I will know some of it."
Sam felt suddenly tired. His head ached. He ran a hand across his brow.
"Are you okay, Sam?" said Sarah.
He almost lied, but then he decided he needed to honour their new agreement. "No, not even a little, but I'm here and I'm gonna fight."
