No one can rewrite the stars
How can you say you'll be mine?
Everything keeps us apart
And I'm not the one you were meant to find
It's not up to you
It's not up to me
When everyone tells us what we can be
How can we rewrite the stars?
Say that the world can be ours
Tonight
Chapter 88 – Flight of the Phoenix
Phoenix P.O.V
Only three short years ago when Optimus had died, I had wondered how much pain a spark could take before it shattered into a million pieces. Now, as I lay staring up into two azure optics that reflected within them the wonder and happiness I felt in this moment, I briefly thought how much love can a spark hold before it bursts?
As Prime lay above me, I was suddenly overcome with such strong emotions. My laughter had died on my dermas, my optics had fixed firmly on his and the depth of my love towards him could no longer be contained. Like a geyser erupting from beneath the ground, the words I had longed to tell him, but had been too afraid to say or had never found the right time, suddenly bubbled forth in a moment of pure joy.
''I LOVE you Optimus Prime, with all my spark.'' At the words I felt my own spark pulse strongly as though once again trying to join with his so he could feel the sincerity and depth of my feelings. His optics closed as he heard the words, as if savouring the sound of them.
I felt a massive smile spread across my dermas as I continued to gaze upon him. When he opened them again to look at me, I added, ''always have, always will''. It was the truth. In this moment I could not imagine EVER being parted from him. He was not the other half of my spark he was my spark.
Prime began to brush his digits down my cheek, his touch leaving a trail of fire in its wake. That mesmerising deep voice of his began to reply, ''Phoenix …''
''This is Elita One..''
I felt as though I was falling, and I could not stop. I could not slow my descent. I wanted to scream in panic, fear and disbelief, but nothing would come out, no sound left my dermas.
From the moment Rachet came to a stop outside the door to the very same room I had first been reunited with Prime after I had become a transformer, I knew something was about to change my life – our lives – forever. When Rachet had fixed me with that apologetic stare I knew that whatever, or whomever lay on the other side of the door would present a potential problem to our newly formed relationship.
I had no idea just how BIG a problem and how drastically our lives were about to be affected until I watched Prime freeze, unable to move and walked up behind him to see what it was that had caused him to react so profoundly. A gasp of shock and disbelief escaped my dermas before I could stop myself.
While I had never met her, I knew only one femme could have elicited such an extreme reaction from Optimus and his team. Only one other femme had been lucky enough to hold Prime's spark in her own. /But she had died millions of years ago hadn't she?/.
And yet, here she lay. /Elita 1/. Optimus Prime's first love and his once spark bonded mate.
As I took in the beautiful white and pink femme that lay recharging before us, I suddenly felt as though I was committing a massive transgression by touching him. While I had offered my servo as silent support to help Optimus process what had happened, I hastily removed it from his shoulder after he uttered those words. I wrapped an arm about my waist while the other servo once again covered my dermas as I struggled to comprehend the scene unfolding before me.
Prime had slowly turned to face me, his voice barely a whisper, ''Phoenix I… I had no idea she lived. I thought she had died… our bond… she…'' Pain and confusion was etched into his face. ''I had no idea.''
My spark ached at the sight of Prime so filled with anguish. I started to remove my arm from around my waist to reach out and hold him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I closed my own optics as I fought my own silent battle. /Primus no, why now? Why her?/.
''Phoenix?'' I opened my optics to see Optimus staring at me imploringly, his own servo reaching out towards me to try and pull me to him and desperately regain the connection we had moments before.
Instinctively I flinched and pulled away from him, though I quickly removed my servos from about my waist and my dermas. I smiled weakly at him, as I tried to soothe the hurt and confusion he obviously felt at my rebuff. ''S'okay Prime,'' I offered. ''I believe you. I… ummm… I'm sure there is an explanation.''
I shuffled anxiously from pede to pede. My spark throbbed painfully in my chest, I felt as though I was going to empty the contents of my tanks on the floor. A sob rose in my throat as I fought to say the next words as impartially as possible. ''I ahh… I think it is best if I leave you both to get…. reacquainted… in private,'' I started to take a step back out of the room.
Optimus shook his helm, his optics going wide with fear and shock as he realised I was trying to leave him here alone, ''NO! Phoenix! PLEASE, don't leave me! Stay!''
I closed my optics briefly as I recalled his voice frantically requesting the same thing the day I nearly died before I changed from OC into a transformer and once again my spark constricted tightly in my chest. I took a steadying ''breath'' as I opened my optics and tried to smile reassuringly at him, ''Prime, I know how much Elita meant to you, I know how much pain you have gone through since… she was lost to you,'' he was shaking his helm violently from side to side in silent protest, ''you have been given a second chance to...''
''NO!'' he yelled out defiantly. ''It is YOU that I want, I NEED you. Phoenix I..''
The sound of someone trying to speak silenced his voice, his words swallowed up by the faint whispers of a disoriented and confused femme, ''Op… Optim… Optimus?''
Prime visibly flinched at the sound of her voice as he quickly turned around to look at Elita, her optics slowly shuttering open. In almost the same spark beat he spun back around to look at me, his servo reaching out beseechingly. His voice barely audible as he mouthed the words, ''Phoenix. Please. Stay.''
I shook my helm and stepped back to the door, a sad smile on my dermas. ''I can't. She needs you.''
Elita spoke once again, her words more coherent as she started to come to after her repairs and recharge, ''Optimus? Is.. is that you?''
Prime's optics flashed pain and guilt as he watched me step towards the door, torn between stopping me and turning around to greet Elita. His servo began to slowly fall back to his side and his shoulders slumped as he realised what had to be done in this moment.
''I'm sorry. It's okay, go!'' I mouthed and waved at him before I slowly slipped out the door and walked down the hallway, though it felt as though a part of my spark remained behind in that room with him.
I was in a trance as I walked past Rachet and out of the Med Bay. I brought my arms up to wrap about my waist as I tried desperately to contain all the pain that threatened to gush out. A choked sob worked its way out of my dermas as I walked blindly towards ''our beach''. It was the only place I could think of going.
''Phoenix! Wait!'' I kept walking. I had to get away. I had to…
''Phoenix, Lil' lady please, stop!'' A flash of silver and yellow appeared before me in the form of Jazz and Rachet, their faces filled with sorrow and pain. Jazz placed his servo on my shoulder. ''Phoenix, I'm so sorry, truly I am,'' my friend sounded so remorseful I couldn't help but raise my optics to look at him.
Rachet also came to stand in front of me. ''We're sorry Phoenix. We had no idea this would happen. We are as shocked as you, well, we can only imagine what you must be feeling, what Prime must be feeling,'' the medic sadly shook his helm.
Jazz spoke up once again, the whole time I looked at him, through him, as I processed what had just happened. ''Please forgive us for having ta tell ya both but we had to. Surely you can..''
''Surely what Jazz?'' my optics snapped fixedly onto him and my voice held a menacing tone to it that caused Jazz and Rachet to take a step back. ''''Surely, I can understand how important Elita 1 is to Prime? How she was his first love, and they were together for millions of years and we have only been together for a matter of days?'' I unfolded my arms from around my waist and my voice rose as the pain and shock gave way to anger and I took a step towards them both. ''Surely, I can understand that Prime and Elita deserve the chance to pick up from where they left off and try to reconnect their bond,'' my sob broke free from my dermas and I raised a servo to my chest to try and stop my spark from constricting painfully as the next words were spat out of my dermas, ''Surely, I can accept the fact that I finally just told Prime I love him and NOW SHE TURNS UP TO STEAL HIM AWAY FROM ME AND I SHOULD LET HER BECAUSE I LOVE HIM?!'' I was shouting my pain and rage at them both.
Jazz and Rachet had both stepped back and seemed to wither under my verbal onslaught as I gave my emotions and feelings free rein. Jazz spoke first, shaking his helm and sighing out loud, ''Phoenix I am SO sorry lil' lady that is not what I meant, and I am sorry ya feel that way. I actually meant ta say, that surely ya can see that Prime loves YOU, his spark beats for YOU and all will be well. It may be awkward for a time and…''
I snorted indignantly, ''Awkward? Jazz, I just watched the mech I JUST told I love with all MY spark introduce me to his formerly spark bonded mate who was, until a few hours ago, considered long dead. Awkward is a slagging fucking understatement!'' Vehement sarcasm dripped off every word.
Jazz looked suitably chastened and looked away for a moment as my words seemed to sink in. Rachet placed a servo on my shoulder then, ''Phoenix, there is nothing I can say to you that may comfort you except maybe this.
Two halves to make a whole,
two battered sparks become one soul.''
I felt myself flinch at the words Primus himself had spoken to me just a few days ago. ''Why would Primus tell you that you are worthy of Optimus and are destined to be with him, put you through everything you have been through, make you a Transformer and a Prime so you and Optimus could be together, ONLY to have Elita and Prime be reunited? Ask yourself that Phoenix.'' Rachet's voice was gentle yet persistent.
I felt my dermas curve into a sneer, ''Perhaps your God has a twisted and sick sense of humour.'' Even as the words left my dermas, I felt a rush of shame at the tone of my voice and the accusation towards the deity that had shown nothing but kindness and favour to me – supposedly.
Rachet and Jazz cringed at the tone in my voice, sadly shaking their helms. I took a step away from them to continue towards my beach – I needed some space to process my emotions and make a decision. In a soft, sad voice I continued, ''Perhaps – perhaps it was a mistake and Primus got the wrong femme. Perhaps it was meant to be… her… all along and I just got in the way.'' I turned away from them and started to walk towards the tree line. ''Now please, leave me alone. I need time to think about all of this. I need time to decide what to do.''
As I walked away and brought my arms about my waist yet again, I heard Rachet's concerned voice call out after me, ''Decide what Phoenix? What decision do you have to make?'' I heard his footfalls start after me and I turned around with a determined look on my face and fire flashing in my optics.
''DON'T Rachet! Do NOT follow me! I need to decide how to handle all of THIS,'' I released my arms from about my waist and gestured towards the Med Bay and myself. ''I need to decide how to move forward,'' I hung my helm in sorrow, ''if I can.'' With that I turned on my pedes and continued walking towards my beach. I didn't look back.
As I pushed my way through the tree line and trudged slowly towards the end of the grass line where the sandy beach began, I felt myself sink to the ground. I was overcome with the enormity of what had just happened. As I brought my knees up to my chin and wrapped my arms about them, I closed my optics and felt the first sobs break free from my dermas.
Soft and muffled at first as I fought to contain everything. /Why? WHY? WHY?/, the words built to a crescendo in my processor until I could no longer silence them and I screamed my spark break and grief out loud, ''WHY!?'' My shoulders shook with each deep cycle of air I took, the sobs became louder to the point I felt myself raise a servo to cover my dermas.
I felt the fire ignite along my arms, up my shoulders until I was consumed in flame. /I cannot cry to cleanse myself, perhaps I can burn the feelings away?/. I sat there on the beach, a fiery statue of self-immolation, as I allowed the flames to swallow me. I could feel the flames rising as my anger and pain increased. I could feel the power surging within me, preparing to be unleashed. The warning thought drifted through my processor /But you PROMISED him you would not do this!/. I felt myself laugh out loud, a half crazed, derisive laugh. ''Maybe promises were meant to be broken?'' I challenged the silence around me, ''Afterall, HE promised me nothing would come between us ever again and now… surprise, surprise. Elita is back!''
I closed my optics tightly trying to squeeze the image of her and him together out of my processor. I shook my helm from side to side in a vain effort to banish the thought. But it was no use. I cycled air through my intake valves furiously as I fought a losing battle to stay in control.
And then it hit me. A defining, crystallizing thought.
All at once my flames were extinguished, my spark began to regain a steady, pulsing rhythm. I opened my optics and fixed them on the blue waters that stretched calmly before me, reminding me of a pair of kind and wise azure optics that held my spark. I whispered to waves and the sky, ''If you love something, set it free.'' I closed my optics as the truth of the words I spoke washed over me. ''If it finds a way back to you, then it was and always will be yours,'' I ex-vented deeply, ''if not, then it was never yours to begin with.''
I LOVED Optimus, with all my spark and it was because of that love that I owed him the opportunity to take this second chance with Elita, to make things right to possibly renew their bond. My spark twisted painfully in my chassis at the thought but the coldness that had wrapped about my spark began to recede slightly as the warmth of my love for him burned within. I thought to myself, /He said to me only last night that he only ever wanted for my happiness, even if it meant his was lost/. I felt a smile spread across my dermas, ''I owe him the same.''
I rose to my pedes and clenched my servos by my sides. I had made a decision. I would step aside and give Optimus and Elita a second chance at the happiness that was so cruelly taken from them.
But I could not stay.
Again, my spark clenched in pain at the thought of being separated from him. I could not stay here and watch as they reconnected, that would be too painful to bear.
With a final gaze out across ''our'' beach I turned to walk back towards the Med Bay to do perhaps the hardest thing I would ever have to do in my life. I had to say goodbye to the other half of my spark, to my dear friends, my family. I was about to leave everything I loved and cared for behind. But I HAD to do it. It was the right thing to do. /Wasn't it?''/.
All of a sudden as I approached the tree line and began to walk through, Primus' words flashed through my processor once again.
''You must stand together, despite the trial that awaits
For if you break ties, the impending darkness will seal all fates''
I froze on the spot. Indecision wracked me. /What if the trial IS Elita? If I leave, effectively ''breaking ties'' with Prime, what will I be setting in motion?/. Once again, a silent war was waged within as I grappled with this thought.
As I stood there locked in a silent battle of wills with my own spark and processor, something caught my optics. A large, impressive red, blue and silver figure emerged from the Med Bay and my spark leapt at the sight of him.
/OPTIMUS!/.
I felt myself begin to walk towards him, as if an invisible power or force compelled me to go to him. I had only taken two steps when another figure followed him outside. A much smaller, daintier white and pink femme with a pretty face and an adoring smile on her dermas as she gazed up to him.
Once again, I froze but this time it was not out of indecision. It was out of shock, jealousy, pain and sorrow. As I looked at Prime and Elita standing side by side together, my spark felt both happiness and joy for them, pain and utter loss for me. I felt my chassis rise and fall as I cycled my air vents deeply, preparing to leave.
I shuttered my optics rapidly as I brought my servo up to my spark, allowing it to hover for a moment. Without warning Prime turned his helm towards my direction, perhaps sensing me near, perhaps knowing where I was or perhaps, I had silently begged him to gaze upon me once more time. His optics fixed upon mine and his whole body tensed.
I raised my servo to my spark and tapped it twice as I looked at Prime, before I laid it reverently over my spark. /Always in my spark Prime/. He began to move towards me, a servo outstretched before him, a silent plea. I gave a sad, wistful smile before I sobbed out loud and turned on my peds, running down the beach, transforming as I ran.
I did not look back. I could not. I let my massive fiery, metallic wings propel me into the sky and take me far away from the one place my spark wanted to be but could not stay.
In his arms.
As I rose higher into the sky, I could no longer contain my spark ache and I gave a final screech of sorrow, pain, loss and love as the heavens consumed me and I disappeared from sight.
