JACOB'S POV
I wake up in a cold sweat. The recurring nightmare I've had to endure time and time again for weeks continue to haunt me. Nessie; walking away, down the beach. I try to go after her but I cannot move. When I look down, my feet are buried in the sand. When I look back up she is surrounded by wolves. That's when I wake. I keep searching for meaning in these dreams but come up empty.
I sit up and look beside me. Good. I didn't wake Brielle. She is sleeping peacefully. I wipe the sweat from my brow and slide out of bed, making my way to the kitchen, trying to avoid all the boxes. I grab one of the cold Canada Dry Ginger Ales from the fridge that Brielle uses to settle her morning sickness and gulp down the entire can.
The summer is about to come to a close and I haven't seen Nessie since the morning I told her about Brielle and the baby. Every time I got to see River, she makes herself scarce.
I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I have to tell River everything. I have no idea how he's going to react. This won't be the first time we moved homes but it's a big change. The neighbourhood we're relocating to is not exactly well regarded and it's far from his friends and Misty. I'm aware of how he feels about her. To River, the sun rises and sets with Misty. He went on a camping trip with her and a group of their friends so I will swing by the beach house tomorrow morning when he gets back and tell him everything.
I sold the garage. It didn't make sense to keep it. I wasn't making enough money here so I got a job at a popular garage chain in Forks. I'm not a licenced mechanic so I won't be making that much but they've agreed to take me on as a paid apprentice so I will be able to put in the necessary hours to get my certification as long as I can pair it with a certificate program at a community college. Twice a week I have to drive 4hrs to Seattle. So that means working on weekends and evenings to get the hours while doing the program in the city. It starts next week and I am already stressed out about it. Hopefully, that means I will be making more money around the time Brielle has her baby. I'll need it. It's not just going to be River and me anymore.
Aside from the failure that this garage has turned out to be; there also isn't enough room here for all of us. Myself, Brielle, River, the new baby and Brielle's mother, Berta…
Brielle pretty much had a meltdown when I suggested that maybe her mother didn't have to live with us. I have done the whole baby thing before. Brielle is convinced that she will be a complete failure without her mother around. Though, from what I've seen it's more like Berta has Brielle convinced she'll be a complete failure without her. Brielle has never lived without Berta.
Berta is a very cynical and stern woman who despite having a grown daughter is quite young, herself. She had Brielle when she was a teenager and raised her as a single mother. So when Berta found out that Brielle was pregnant she told her to get out and to not come back unless she either had the money for an abortion or a man to raise the baby with. So here we are.
I worry about how Berta will treat River. Twice she has already referred to him as attention-seeking as though he is using his visual impairment to get special treatment. She has yet to meet my capable and brilliant son and she has already decided he is a burden. She mentioned in passing that I should send River to go live with his mother. That will never happen.
I sit down at the kitchen table and rest my head down on my folded arms. I never thought I would be doing it all over again. Especially not considering the first one I have is almost grown. Certainly didn't expect to be doing this with anyone other than Nessie. The thought of what this must have done to Nessie leaves my chest feeling hollow. My beautiful soulmate. I will never love another as I love her. Brielle is kind and sweet. She is not Nessie. And I'm not in love with her.
The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. So I will try my best to do all of the above; love, honour, protect… Vows I broke once before. Tears roll from my eyes for all the time I wasted choosing my stubborn resolve. Choosing to punish Nessie rather than love her, honour her and protect her. I don't deserve her and maybe I never did.
"Jacob?" I hear Brielle call from the bedroom.
I clear my throat, "I'm in the kitchen," I answer, disguising the pain in my voice with a cough.
"Can you bring me the rest of my turkey wrap from the fridge?"
I wipe the moisture from my face and stand. I look in the fridge, "uh… I think you ate it," I reply, the fridge is almost empty apart from some condiments and eggs.
"I'm starving," Briella replies from the bedroom.
I start rummaging through the cupboards, "we have peanut butter and jam. I can make you a sandwich. Other than that I can fry you up some eggs," I suggest and walk to the bedroom door, zigzagging around the boxes. Brielle's face doesn't look impressed with my suggestions. I expel a sigh of frustration, "everything is closed, Bri. What do you want from me?" I ask too harshly and feel immediately guilty for snapping at her.
Brielle frowns, laying down again and turns her back to me, "nevermind," she sulks.
Fuck. I roll my eyes.
"I'm sorry," I apologize and walk over to Brielle. I sit down on the edge of the bed. She doesn't answer, "come on… don't be like that," I rub her shoulder but she jerks away from my touch. I glance down at my phone on the bedside table, "look, it's 12:05, The Switchyard is still open, I can grab you a burger or something if you're really hungry."
"I don't want you to go to any trouble," she mumbles, stubbornly.
"It's no trouble," I reply, "please… tell me what you want?" I ask in a kinder voice. She doesn't reply, "come on. The baby is hungry," I say, trying to appeal to her motherly instinct; I don't know when that actually kicks in but I take a shot.
Brielle rolls over onto her back to look at me, "I guess a burger is fine," she replies.
"Fries?" I ask, "salad? Whatever you want... Don't be mad at me. I'm just stressed out about moving and starting a new job and having to go to Seattle starting next week," I admit. Plus, all I want to do is run to Nessie but I can't.
"I'm sorry," Brielle sits up, pulling her knees to her chest, "you're doing so much for me. For us. And I'm being difficult."
"You're pregnant. That's allowed," I give her a weary smile, "why don't you get dressed. Come to The Switchyard with me for something to eat."
"Like a date?" she asks.
My stomach sinks, "sure," I reply, getting up from the bed to put my jeans back on so that she doesn't see my face. Like a date? Augh… Jake, be nice. I remind myself. I go out to the living room and search the coffee table for my keys and wallet. I find my wallet on the floor near the table. "Have you seen my keys?" I ask Brielle as I pull a t-shirt on. There are so many boxes everywhere and random junk pulled out that I don't know where anything is.
"I'll look!" she says from the bedroom.
I pick my jacket from the couch and locate my keys underneath, "nevermind. I found them," I reply, "are you ready?" I ask. She doesn't answer me. I sigh and zigzag around the boxes again and make my way to the bedroom. "Hey, let's go."
"I can't believe you did this," Brielle's voice is soft and emotional. I have no idea what she is talking about until I glance down and see that she is holding the velvet box that contains the golden moonstone ring. Nessie's ring. She must have found it within the bedside table while looking for my keys. I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I have no idea what to tell her.
"I love it," she says.
"Brielle I-"
"I know that we said that we'd just go down to the courthouse and not make a big deal out of it but… this means so much to me," she says holding the ring to her chest.
"I … um… I uh, I'm glad you like it," I swallow. The words tumble out and I immediately regret it.
"Forever pulling on my heart… what does that mean?" she asks, reading the engraving on the inside of the ring.
"I don't know," I lie, "it's second hand," I reply. That's the truth. It is second hand… What I don't say is that I had it made special for Nessie and that 'Forever pulling on my heart' means everything. It is exactly how I feel about Nessie. Brielle slips the ring on her finger "Don't put it on!"
"What? Of course, I'm going to put it on," Brielle chuckles softly, "I don't need a proposal, this is so sweet. I'm not disappointed that I found it," she replies.
I press my lips together. Seeing the ring on her finger makes me feel sick. Not because I wasn't going to get her a ring after we got married but because that ring doesn't belong to her. It belongs to Nessie. The memory of Nessie sliding it on her finger years ago after I hid it inside of a toy gumball machine flashes in my mind. It's fresh. Like it only just happened. Then I am ripped from the memory, wishing I could go back. Go back and grab myself by the collar and yell, 'don't let her go, you idiot!'.
"Thank you," Brielle beams and walks to me, kissing me on the cheek.
Don't thank me.
On the way to The Switchyard, every time I glance over at Brielle she is admiring the ring. It's making me uncomfortable. I'm tempted to devise a plan where I hide it from her and just get her a new ring. A different one. Something that doesn't have as much symbolism and meaning for my feelings towards Nessie.
I park near the door and get out of the truck. I walk around to Brielle's side and open the door for her. Not because I'm being chivalrous. I had kicked the door in anguish after Nessie and I last spoke, after I broke her heart… now it sticks and Brielle can never get it open on her own.
"Thank you," Brielle says, hopping out of the truck.
"Sure," I whisper and motion for her to lead the way.
I follow her into The Switchyard and wait near the entrance to be seated. I glance around. It's packed, "we might have to order take out," I say to her when I realize that there isn't a table anywhere.
My eyes keep scanning for anything available. That's when I see her. Nessie… Sitting at the bar by herself. Looking beautiful. Why is she here? Shouldn't she be at the beach house with River? Shit. The camping trip… he's not home tonight … fuck… fuck, fuck, fuck. I never told her that Sam and I agreed that she'd stay off the res. The Switchyard is on the res.
"Uh… I'll be right back," I say to Brielle. I walk towards Nessie when I see the kitchen door swing open and I catch a glimpse of Embry in his cook's uniform. Perfect, I quickly change my path and pull the door open. "Embry!"
He looks around before finally making eye contact with me, "hey, man," he says wiping his hands with a towel and goes to the door where I am standing "what's up?"
"Nessie's here," I hold the door open so he can see her at the bar.
"Okay," he looks back to me, "and…"
"...and Sam agreed to leave her alone as long as she stays off the res," I reply, "do you think you can keep an eye on her for me? Just make sure she gets out of here without incident?"
"Come on, man," Embry sighs heavily, "my shift is just about to end. I really just want to go home, not babysit your ex."
I glower at him, "okay, it was a favour but now it's an order," I say using my position as pack alpha to get my way.
"Fine," Embry sighs and looks at the big clock on the wall, "I'm off in 15 minutes so you have to watch her until then," he says going back to the station he was running before I interrupted him.
By the time I walk back out onto the floor I see that Brielle has managed to get a table. I sit down with her while she goes over the menu. She is saying something about an upcoming doctor's appointment or something but I can't pay attention. I just keep looking around for any sign of the Uley pack that could put Nessie in danger. Once Embry gets off his shift we can go.
My eyes keep falling to Nessie, her copper hair is up in a messy bun. She is wearing a short white dress that looks like a loose-fitting men's shirt with off-the-shoulder sleeves exposing her slender neck, delicate collarbones and beautiful shoulders. Her legs are crossed to the side of the chair; showing off the length in beige thigh-high suede boots. She looks amazing and confident. For 15 minutes I watch as Nessie sits at the bar, looking gorgeous, sipping a glass of white wine. Within that timeframe, 3 men approach her. Each time she appears to politely turn them away. Each time I want to politely punch them in the face. This is the longest 15 minutes of my life. I can't watch this anymore.
"Hey, let's get take out," I interrupt Brielle when the waitress finally gets to us, "it's late."
"Oh… okay," she says, looking down. I can tell she is disappointed but I don't care. I can't just sit here and have a nice dinner with her and watch the parade of men proposition the woman I want to be with. I feel too much rage.
"I'll take the double cheeseburger with fries," I tell the waitress, "order whatever you want, Bri" I put my credit card on the table and excuse myself to the bathroom.
I throw the door open and immediately go to the sink to splash cold water on my face. I might be sick. How did everything get so fucked up? My heart is aching for Nessie; she is so close and yet so far away. Then it dawns on me. My worst fear. This may be the last time I ever see her in the flesh. Once she leaves she may never come back. River is now old enough to get on a bus and go see her. My heart starts pounding and I feel sweat trickle down my back. What the hell is happening to me? I splash more water on my face and attempt to calm myself. I need to get out of here.
I throw the door open from the bathroom and look for Brielle but she isn't at the table. The room is spinning. All of the voices, the music, the clinking of glasses and cutlery are muffled. My eyes zero in at the bar and I see Nessie sitting there. She's looking right at me with those beautiful big eyes, full of hurt. She leans back against the bar. It's as though she is moving in slow motion as the room spins around and around at warp speed. Then she looks away, Embry approaches. He gives me a nod and takes a seat next to her at the bar. My mouth is dry, my throat constricted.
"Jacob? Jacob… Jacob!" someone calls my name from behind me. I turn to see Brielle with the takeout bag, "I said let's go," her voice sounds muffled and distorted.
"Okay," I reply but I can't hear myself. My heart is pounding in my ear. I turn to get one last look at Nessie. She doesn't see me look. She's laughing. It looks like she has convinced Embry to do shots with her. I turn to the door, following Brielle, stumbling outside.
"Are you okay?" Brielle asks, again her voice is still muffled. She is standing in front of me yet she sounds like she is yards away.
I nod. The fresh air hits me but my face is hot and I can't seem to catch my breath. Am I dying? My hand shakes as I attempt to locate the key to the truck.
"Nope… no, no, no," Brielle says, taking the keys from me and putting the takeout bags on the roof of the truck, "sit down," she says guiding me down to the curb.
"What's happening?" I ask, sitting, the words shake as they come out. I don't feel in control.
"You're having a panic attack," she replies, helping me take my jacket off, "it'll be fine. Just breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth," Brielle instructs me. I comply with her directions. I hang my head as I sit there on the curb, trying to breathe. I have never felt so helpless and out of control. Brielle takes an elastic from her wrist and pulls my hair away from my face into a ponytail. She then takes off her purple cardigan and stands up, grabbing one of the large drinks from the bags. She scoops out the ice with her hand and drops it into the garment, twisting the fabric closed.
"I've never had a panic attack," I say the best I can between laboured breathing.
"It's okay. You're okay," she reassures me and holds the ice to the back of my neck.
I close my eyes. The ice on the nape of my neck feels good. After a few minutes, I finally regain some control of my breathing but I'm still disoriented. "Can you drive?" I ask her.
"Yeah," she replies softly.
On the way home, I lean my head against the passenger side window as Brielle drives the pick-up slowly. She seems nervous to be driving a big vehicle. It's much bigger than her little white sedan. I close my eyes, trying to ignore how we're driving at a snail's pace and put Nessie out of my mind. Impossible. Tears threaten my eyes for the second time tonight. I manage to hold them off.
"Thank you," I whisper, appreciative of Brielle for helping me.
"It happens," she replies, "you've been under a lot of stress," Brielle exhales, "It's my fault."
I don't reply. I pull the elastic from my hair that Brielle had used earlier and set it down on the dashboard. I could present her with the reassurance that I am doing exactly what I want to do but I'm not sure if I'd even believe it. What I want to do is go back to the pub and get Nessie. Tell her that I'm sorry. Kiss her. Hold her and never let go.
By the time we roll into the drive of the garage I'm no longer hungry. Brielle has a few bites of a burger and then puts the food in the fridge while I go to the bedroom. I turn on the ceiling fan and strip down to my boxers, laying on top of the blankets, allowing the air to cool my skin. The adrenaline has yet to wear off. My mind is still screaming from the panic attack. I doubt I'll be able to settle. I think of Nessie. The selfish part of me wishes that I told Brielle to do whatever she wanted when she told me that she was pregnant... but my instincts couldn't allow it. Just as my gut told me to do anything to protect River. Protect any future leader of the pack... It won't ever be River because of his blindness. And perhaps that's for the best. He can have a normal life unburdened by the responsibilities that come with being part of a pack. But the next child might be an heir to it all. A future alpha.
Brielle crawls into bed beside me in a long t-shirt. I close my eyes, attempting to rest from my spiralling thoughts.
I feel a hand on my chest, I open my eyes and look over at Briella. She's staring back at me with compassionate eyes, laying on her side. Her hand moves from my chest to brush my hair aside. She then inches closer and kisses my neck. Her hand wanders down my torso as her lips migrate from my neck to my chest.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"Comforting you," she whispers.
I let her.
But afterwards whatever comfort I was hoping to gain is shortlived. And as Brielle sleeps peacefully beside me I feel guilty. Guilty because I'm not in love with Brielle. I'm in love with Nessie; so completely in love with her and I broke her heart. And now I lay here next to this sweet girl who I can never love the way she deserves to be loved. Keeping her from whatever future mate could have loved her as completely as I love Nessie; if that is even possible. I don't believe anyone can ever love someone as much as I love Nessie.
So as I lay here next to a girl who I do not love, I think of Nessie sleeping in a cold bed all by herself and wish that I was holding her.
Next chapter on its way!
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